Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ~ G. SteinemI was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Love & Hip Hop and was blown when Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her long time boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones.
Gave that man a custom-made, blinged out ring.
Oh yeah, and it cost 12 Gs.
Oh, AND she said that she'd pretty much spent all of her money on it.
Siiiiiigh.
Where do I even begin?
Women want to be pampered and put on pedestals. "Treat me like a lady," we say. We also want the option to flourish and exist completely separate from a man. "I'm independent and don't need a man," we also say.
Sometimes I understand why dudes are so confused.
Which one is it? We can't have it both ways.
Chrissy said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. Her message to women? "Go 'head y'all keep waiting. I'ma get what I want".
If you watched the dynamics of their relationship play out on TV, you know that what she's actually getting is the short end of the stick.
They have been dating for six years and are shackin' up. As far as I can tell, their money is separate (I could be wrong). And even after she gave him the ring, he wouldn't discuss wedding plans. When Chrissy told Jim that she would leave if their engagement lasted too long he replied, "Just take the dog with you too."
Talk about writing on the wall.
Like most women, I'm sure Chrissy blames "love" for her lack of wisdom.
Poor love.
It gets the worst rap. It seems so selfish and so...well, stupid.
We always fault love when we are not thinking clearly. "The heart wants what it wants," we whine. "Love is blind," we declare.
Blind indeed.
But is it "love" that causes you to propose to a man who, after six years of living with you and sleeping with you, has shown no interest in officially taking you off the market?
Maybe Jim Jones doesn't want to marry Chrissy. Or anyone for that matter...and that's surely his prerogative. But shouldn't he just say that instead of dangling the illusion of commitment in front of her? And isn't Chrissy old enough to read the signs that if a man has not proposed and married her in six years, he isn't serious about ever committing?
Society has brainwashed women into believing that it's okay to chase men who don't step up to the plate. Magazines tell us that there is a man shortage (especially in the Black community) which causes us to commit desperate, reckless actions.
It is a myth that men don't know what they want. Those who stall or drag their feet are just trying to think of a way to escape with minimal drama. Don't make excuses and don't give men like this a pass for hurting your feelings or leading you on. Pay attention and move on.
I was in a relationship with a man for five years. After two major break ups, years of arguing, crying, acting crazy (me, of course) and months of pre-marital counseling, the brother still couldn't buy a ring and set a date.
I left.
He made every excuse in the world for why we weren't moving forward but at the end of the day, that's all they were: EXCUSES.
He wasn't ready. Or maybe he just didn't want to marry me. I wish that he had told the truth but since he couldn't, I had to make a decision that was best for Alonna.
I did not wait it out because "a good man is hard to find".
I did not put my house on the market and force myself into his.
I did not buy a ring and twist his arm into committing.
If you are a "good" woman and the man you're with doesn't recognize it, leave.
God has something else for you.
I'm not saying that it won't hurt or that it won't be painful. I second-guessed my decision many, many times, especially when each relationship after him was a disaster.
But you have to get to the point where your self-worth outweighs all of the "love" you have for a man. You have to get the point where your time, your heart and your spirit are precious gifts that you will not waste on just anybody.
I'm getting married in 47 days. Our wedding is taking place on the one year anniversary of the day we met.
He brought up commitment, then marriage first. He proposed. He wanted to get married a few months ago.
He knew he had a good thing and was ready to lock it down. (tee hee) ;-)
Some people may say that knowing a man for a year is not "long enough" to know that you want to marry him.
I say that once you've been through some things, with God's help, you can tell in less than six months whether or not someone is temporary or permanent.
I will also say that if marriage is something that's in your heart, you should never give up what you want just because the current man in your life is not ready.
Don't let men, magazines or even your friends and family brainwash you into believing that you should take who and what you can get, any way you can get it.
Speaking of friends and family...surround yourself with people who have sense. Not once did Olivia question Chrissy's reasons for proposing. Not once did she point out the role that men play as leaders in the household and that if he can't lead with something like marriage, he certainly will be unable to lead with finances, child-rearing or anything else significant.
It was the blind leading the blind. And you know what Jesus said about that: "If one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch." (Matthew 15:14).
Hot mess.
You have ONE life.
Don't spend it waiting on anyone.
Hugs,
Alonna
