Cut him!

Women are nurturers. We instinctively desire to cultivate something and watch it grow - especially our relationships.

This is why, even when the writing is on the wall, telling us to leave a dude where he is standing, we linger and hover and wait...hoping that if we keep watering, fertilizing, and yanking out the weeds, a beautiful flower will blossom.

Sometimes you just need to pull everything up and start over.

Cut him if...

1. He lies to you.
This one goes without saying. If you can't trust the man, there really is no reason to stick around. I'm not just talking about suspicions - although those are signs too - I mean, you have flat out caught him in a lie. He said he was taking care of his sick momma, but you found out he went to the strip club with his boys. He told you he was working late but you ran into him at Happy Hour with some thirsty-looking woman from his job. It doesn't matter why he's lying, all that matters is you can't have a relationship with someone whose definition of honesty is, "Whatever she doesn't know, won't hurt her."

2. He lies to other people.
A while ago, when an ex was trying to get back into my good graces, he took me to breakfast, paid for the meal, then saved the receipt so he could write it off as a business expense for his job. RED FLAG! MAN DOWN! Lying about a $30 meal showed a lack of integrity and proved that he was not the one.  If he fibs to his job, his family, his friends, or whomever, please believe that it will be no time before he is lying to YOU (reread #1). That was the last time he ever saw me again.

3. He has baby mama drama.
Unresolved issues with the mother/s of his child/ren WILL affect your life. Trying to take care of babies you did not birth is difficult enough as it is, why add to the stress? I don't care how "good" he is to you, if every conversation he has with the BM turns into World War III you need to let him go.

4. He is inconsistent.
On Monday, Boo Boo is all about you. Whenever your cell vibrates, it's Boo with another syrupy-sweet text, email or call. He even dials you up just to say "good night". Awww. It's precious. On Tuesday, the texts are sweet, but not as delicious as Monday's trip to the candy store. Wednesday is sprinkled with boring, distracted small talk and Thursday looks like this: one text, a chain letter email forward, and a two-minute call. Friday seems promising because he says that he wants to see you and although you're irritated, you agree, giving the benefit of the doubt. Well, the weekend comes and goes and homeboy appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth. He hasn't contacted you, nor is he returning your texts or calls. You get a lame apology the following Tuesday--via text, no less, then don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks. Just when you decide to delete that joker from your address book and your memory bank, he's comes baaaaack. Like a poltergeist.

A man like this usually has unfinished business in the background. His interaction with you depends on how frequently or infrequently the other woman is letting him run the same tired game on her.

Cut. Delete. Unfriend.

5. He never answers the phone.
You call, he doesn't answer, then hours later he calls you back.

Every? Single? Time?

Cut.


The bottom line is this: 1+1 is and always will equal 2. If his words and actions don't add up; if you don't feel at peace; if you have to coerce yourself into making something "fit", then it's not working and you need to move on.

We all have loved and lost but one thing we need to stop wasting is time.

Cut that zero and get with a hero. Lol.

XO,
Alonna

The Don'ts of Dating

We've all learned about relationships through trial and error but some mistakes we should just stop making if we want to keep our sanity. I don't know everything but I did learn some things throughout my 18 years of dating!

1. Don't limit yourself. The saying "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket" is one that all single women must heed.  Until you both make the decision to be exclusive, keep seeing other men! It's perfectly okay to leave your options open until you are committed to one. You don't have to lie or sneak around either. If one of your boos asks, tell him that you are behaving as a single woman until you find the right man. If his ego can't handle it and he walks, oh well...there are more fish in the sea!

2. Don't have sex! Some of you are rolling your eyes but YES, sex is the number one downfall of women. Let's keep it real, we have a lot of power until we drop the drawers. After the "do' is done, a switch is flipped and we become completely different creatures (especially if it was good!). I don't care how liberated some of us claim to be, we can't fight biology. Oxytocin, that bonding hormone that is released during an orgasm, now has you thinking that deadbeat Craig, who was supposed to be a booty call/"friend", could be your potential husband. He doesn't even have a job so you know you are trippin. Besides, it really, really isn't cute to sleep with a bunch of men - check the STD stats. And if you're a Christian...you already know the Lord is not pleased. Keep your legs closed. 

3. Don't bring up commitment. Like I said in my Brainwashed post, it is a myth that men are confused and don't know what they want. If a man behaves otherwise, it's because he doesn't want you. Plain and simple. Nagging him about the "future" is only going to turn him off or make him feel pressured - which men hate. This is why you are following tip #1 - you want your heart and your thoughts to be as light as possible, for as long as possible. Set a deadline in your head (DON'T tell him). If he hasn't brought up monogamy in a reasonable amount of time (1-2 months), it's because he's not interested in it. If that's what you want, move on. Whatever you do, don't sit around waiting for a man to "come to his senses".

4. Don't bring up marriage. Do I need to say more? Look, it's perfectly okay to want to be some man's wife and if you want to mention that in a general conversation, that's fine. But don't go on one or two good dates and expect him to feel the same way. When a man wants to marry you, you will know. How will you know? He will tell you and then he (believe it or not) will set that ball in motion.

5. Don't say "I love you".  I've heard that men fall in love first, women fall in love hardest. Who knows? Scientists spend money on useless studies that really don't prove much about anything. All I know is that every time I said it first, the relationship eventually ended. Lol. For REAL!  My husband was the first and only man to utter those words before I did.  It's different for every couple, but for me, in my spirit, that was one reason why I knew he was The One. Even if you are soooo sure you are feeling it and the words are oozing from your soul, wait until he goes home -- then you can shout it as much as you want, as you dance around your house. Just don't let him hear you. :-)

Dating is hard enough as it is. Don't make it more complicated by setting yourself up for heartache and failure unnecessarily. Repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results is insanity, right?

XOXO,
Alonna

Calm Down

My husband says that I gave him a hard time when he first pursued me. I don't quite remember it that way but if I did...

It must not have been too bad because he was ready to put a ring on it 6 months after we met. :-)

I will admit that I was relatively calm, cool and collected in the beginning. I didn't relinquish my guard this time until I knew that my heart was safe.

And I would not change a thing!

Women get too excited, too fast about a lot of nothing.

We gas ourselves up when men do the most basic things instead of expecting to be treated well. Then, we jump the gun instead of letting the relationship run its natural course - which sometimes means letting it run right on out the door. This is how we end up hurt, analyzing every, little behavior wondering, Oh my gosh! What does this mean...? when sometimes "this" means absolutely nothing.

For example...

"He takes me out."
Any man with a decent job can take you to dinner and a movie (although the latter does cost a grip these days). Men already know that they may have to spend a little to get a little, so while the candlelit tacos may send you over the moon, his feet are still firmly planted on the ground. Yes, dinner is nice. So is breakfast and lunch but it doesn't mean he wants to be your man or that he isn't eating a meal or two with somebody else. Say gracias for the tacos but don't starting choosing bridesmaids yet. 

"He gives me flowers."
They sell flowers on the side of the road. While it's a nice gesture and could mean that he was genuinely thinking about you, it doesn't mean THAT much. It is romantic but breathe. Express your gratitude, put 'em in water and relax.

"He wants to go away with me." 
Have you ever had vacation sex? It's totally awesome. Who doesn't like to get away from it all?  If his pockets are thick or if he just got his tax refund, he may even pay your way, but that doesn't mean homeboy wants to be your man. It could just mean that he thinks he can have some out-of-town fun with you. Traveling with a man can be a big step, so choose wisely before you get on the road or in the air. And please don't sleep with the guy just because he paid for your plane ticket to the Bahamas.

"He brings me around his family and friends."
For some men this is a huge step, for others it doesn't mean a thing. I've seen men bring women in and out of their circle without batting an eye. Meeting Momma and 'em doesn't mean that he's preparing to propose. If you really want to know the deal, find one of his boys with loose lips and ask when was the last time boo boo brought a woman around - he may tell you that it was just yesterday.

"He says that he can see a future with me." 
For some men "the future" could mean the next day or the end of the week. They can spot a hungry woman right away and know when you're feeling vulnerable or desperate. If a man knows that it takes a commitment to get you, then he'll say what you want to hear - whether he means it or not. If he's already talking about "the future" before he even knows you, then he's running game.

I didn't write this post to be a Debbie Downer. I'm not advising women to eye every guy suspiciously, never having fun or cracking a smile. BUT don't get too excited, too soon and don't read more into a situation than you should. Until you've had sufficient time to gauge a man's character and until you've both made decisions about what you would like from each other, take every action with a grain of salt.

He may be sweet and nice and all may be lovely but for real...calm down.

Love openly but wisely,
Alonna

The Single Girl's Bucket List

I'm two weeks into married life and although I can't give much insight into this new "club" I now belong to, I can definitely share some things I learned while being single for 32 years and 9 months. :-)

Remaining single into my 30s was a blessing that I didn't fully appreciate until a couple of years ago.  I learned a lot about myself, about men and about relationships. There's no magic number for when a woman should marry - so stop putting pressure on yourself - but I definitely think that every woman should do these things before jumping the broom!

1. Get educated
Whether it's your BA, MA, or PhD, cosmetology school or classes at the local community college...find something that interests you and become better at it. I read that women with more years of higher education have a lower chance of getting divorced than women without. One "expert" also said that educated women are more confident about who they are and are less likely to settle for a man who doesn't meet their standards. Now, I don't know how accurate these statistics are because I've made plenty of bad relationship decisions since graduating from college but I do know that you'll definitely feel a sense of accomplishment that no man can take away from you - no matter how bad the break up!

2. See the world
If you don't have a passport, go to the State Department's website and apply for one as soon as you're finished reading this post :-). Then, grab a map, call a few of your girls and make plans to get out of town ASAP!  I'd never advise anyone to take on debt but one credit card worth having is the "travel credit card". If you can't get out of the country, travel within it - go on a picnic in Central Park, take in the sights from the top floor of the Hancock building, dance the night away on Ocean Drive - just go! And if you have no idea where any of those places I just mentioned are, then you really need to get to steppin'! 

3. Live alone
One of the best decisions I ever made was purchasing a house by myself.  It doesn't matter if you rent or own, living alone is something every woman should do before getting married. You learn valuable lessons about financial responsibility and best of all, you learn to appreciate your own company.  

4. Eat alone - and often
With most of my friends a 40-minute drive away, I don't always have someone readily available when I'm craving pork empanadas or when I want to treat myself to more than a drive-through meal or curbside take away. Should I wait until someone else's schedule aligns with mine just so I can eat? Heck no! Sometimes I bring a book or magazine, sometimes I just sit and relish the fact that no matter how many couples or families surround me, I'm perfectly okay with eating a meal by myself. I don't feel like a loser because I'm not one and I know that with one call, I could probably find someone to join me...but the best part is that I don't have to. :-)

5. Go to the movies alone - and often
As a teacher, I have a lot of free time in the summer. Sometimes I'll decide in the middle of the afternoon that I want to see a movie when everyone is at work. Soooo what do I do? I go anyway. One ticket, one bucket of popcorn, one large Icee and I am good to go. I even saw "Slumdog Millionaire" on a Saturday night...which some people wouldn't dare to do alone!

6. Date a lot of boys, kiss a lot of frogs
Society has brainwashed women into believing that if we date around, we are just as bad as the players who have broken our hearts.  Newsflash: Being single is all about dating! I always tell women to accept a date with just about any man who asks, so long as he doesn't seem mentally unstable or is a fugitive. Who cares if he isn't your "type"? You don't have to marry him, you're just having dinner or drinks. It won't hurt to spend a few hours of your time with someone new. At the very least, you'll learn one more thing that you want (or don't want) in a partner.


The single life comes with so many freedoms and blessings. Enjoy them all because your life WILL change once you say "I do"!

Have fun!!

Alonna :-)

Brainwashed

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ~ G. Steinem

I was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Love & Hip Hop and was blown when Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her long time boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones.

Gave that man a custom-made, blinged out ring.

Oh yeah, and it cost 12 Gs.

Oh, AND she said that she'd pretty much spent all of her money on it. 

Siiiiiigh.

Where do I even begin?

Women want to be pampered and put on pedestals. "Treat me like a lady," we say. We also want the option to flourish and exist completely separate from a man. "I'm independent and don't need a man," we also say.

Sometimes I understand why dudes are so confused. 

Which one is it? We can't have it both ways.

Chrissy said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. Her message to women? "Go 'head y'all keep waiting. I'ma get what I want".

If you watched the dynamics of their relationship play out on TV, you know that what she's actually getting is the short end of the stick.

They have been dating for six years and are shackin' up. As far as I can tell, their money is separate (I could be wrong). And even after she gave him the ring, he wouldn't discuss wedding plans. When Chrissy told Jim that she would leave if their engagement lasted too long he replied, "Just take the dog with you too."

Talk about writing on the wall.

Like most women, I'm sure Chrissy blames "love" for her lack of wisdom.

Poor love.

It gets the worst rap. It seems so selfish and so...well, stupid.

We always fault love when we are not thinking clearly. "The heart wants what it wants," we whine. "Love is blind," we declare.

Blind indeed.

But is it "love" that causes you to propose to a man who, after six years of living with you and sleeping with you, has shown no interest in officially taking you off the market?

Maybe Jim Jones doesn't want to marry Chrissy. Or anyone for that matter...and that's surely his prerogative. But shouldn't he just say that instead of dangling the illusion of commitment in front of her? And isn't Chrissy old enough to read the signs that if a man has not proposed and married her in six years, he isn't serious about ever committing?

Society has brainwashed women into believing that it's okay to chase men who don't step up to the plate. Magazines tell us that there is a man shortage (especially in the Black community) which causes us to commit desperate, reckless actions.

It is a myth that men don't know what they want. Those who stall or drag their feet are just trying to think of a way to escape with minimal drama. Don't make excuses and don't give men like this a pass for hurting your feelings or leading you on. Pay attention and move on.

I was in a relationship with a man for five years. After two major break ups, years of arguing, crying, acting crazy (me, of course) and months of pre-marital counseling, the brother still couldn't buy a ring and set a date.

I left.

He made every excuse in the world for why we weren't moving forward but at the end of the day, that's all they were: EXCUSES.

He wasn't ready. Or maybe he just didn't want to marry me. I wish that he had told the truth but since he couldn't, I had to make a decision that was best for Alonna.

I did not wait it out because "a good man is hard to find".

I did not put my house on the market and force myself into his. 

I did not buy a ring and twist his arm into committing.

If you are a "good" woman and the man you're with doesn't recognize it, leave.

God has something else for you.

I'm not saying that it won't hurt or that it won't be painful. I second-guessed my decision many, many times, especially when each relationship after him was a disaster.

But you have to get to the point where your self-worth outweighs all of the "love" you have for a man. You have to get the point where your time, your heart and your spirit are precious gifts that you will not waste on just anybody.

I'm getting married in 47 days. Our wedding is taking place on the one year anniversary of the day we met.

He brought up commitment, then marriage first. He proposed. He wanted to get married a few months ago.

He knew he had a good thing and was ready to lock it down. (tee hee) ;-)

Some people may say that knowing a man for a year is not "long enough" to know that you want to marry him.

I say that once you've been through some things, with God's help, you can tell in less than six months whether or not someone is temporary or permanent.

I will also say that if marriage is something that's in your heart, you should never give up what you want just because the current man in your life is not ready.

Don't let men, magazines or even your friends and family brainwash you into believing that you should take who and what you can get, any way you can get it.

Speaking of friends and family...surround yourself with people who have sense. Not once did Olivia question Chrissy's reasons for proposing. Not once did she point out the role that men play as leaders in the household and that if he can't lead with something like marriage, he certainly will be unable to lead with finances, child-rearing or anything else significant.

It was the blind leading the blind. And you know what Jesus said about that: "If one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch." (Matthew 15:14).

Hot mess.

You have ONE life.

Don't spend it waiting on anyone.

Hugs,
Alonna

Let Him Lead

I want to start this post by saying that I think relationships should be 100/100, not "50/50" as the saying goes.

You're either all in, or you're not in at all.

With that being said, experience has taught me that the man needs to first demonstrate that he is all in if the relationship is actually going to go somewhere.

The "typical" woman has been dreaming about her wedding day since puberty.  The venue, the dress, the shoes, the rings...the picture is vividly painted in her mind.

The "typical" man is different. He won't genuinely start thinking about marriage until he's been around the block a few times to see for himself that the "grass" pretty much looks the same in every neighborhood.

Or until all of his boys are married. 

Men don't fantasize about their tuxes or about how much their diamonds will sparkle in the light. But they do imagine how their home cooked meals will taste and how many times they will get laid each week.

Mars and Venus indeed.

Because of these differences, I always advise women to hold their cards close for as long as they can. I don't mean that we should be nasty or aloof and distant, but don't jump out the window, giving everything you have (as we naturally do) until you see that the man you care about is standing on that ledge next to you.

In the beginning, he should be initiating the date requests and the majority of the phone calls.

He should be the first to bring up exclusivity and commitment.

He should be first to say, "I want you to meet my mother..." (or father, auntie, Big Mama, whoever!)

Women are always ready to do these things. We YEARN to do these things. But to do so before a guy has proven that he is capable of giving you what you want is emotional suicide.

Steve Harvey said something to women has stuck in my head: "Only give what you get, until you are getting what you want..."

Don't make excuses or extend undeserved grace to a man who is falling short. "If I give it some more time, he'll come around..." Women who think that men need more time to express their emotions have been bamboozled. 

The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22). The man should be finding the woman, not the other way around. It's in their DNA to pursue. Like Usher sang, he should be looking for you "in the daytime with a flashlight".

When a man is ready, he will not play games. He will not lie or mislead. He will not keep his distance. He will not avoid conversations about marriage and family. In fact, he will initiate those conversations. His heart will be open--wide open.

Unfortunately by this time, he has also probably hurt and/or passed up at least five other great potentials, but the fact is, he just wasn't ready for any of them.

Many women have experienced this. We date a man for years, invest mucho time, hoping that it's going somewhere, but the relationship ends.  Then BAM! in a year or less we hear that homeboy has married someone else.

Cue the music for Vesta's "Congratulations".  Makes you wanna holler, doesn't it?

Don't holler for too long though. He's not "yours" if he ends up with someone else. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry, settle down, pop out some babies and live happily ever after. But do it with someone who wants to do it too. Clubbing someone over the head and dragging him down the aisle will hurt everyone involved. Nagging, whining and hanging on until he "comes around" will only hurt YOU.

Let him lead.

XOXO,
Alonna

Fear

"I think I'm scared of what the future holds...I was wishing for some things and now I'm used to those..." -Drake

As Usher would say, "These are my confessions..."

I'm getting married in three months and I am a teeny, tiny bit scared.

The words "til death" sound so final.

They mean forever in case you were wondering.

I love my hubby-to-be, but I do wonder what "happily ever after" will look like once the vows have been made.

Marriage seems a little like graduating from college--you prep for years and years to get that piece of paper, then once you have it, you're left standing there asking, "Umm...so what do I now?"

I know you can't plan these things, but I definitely had no idea that I'd go to Miami on vacation, meet my future husband and get married in a year's time.

My transition from single to girlfriend to fiancee to wife is happening at warp speed.

I thought that I'd at least be given a warning that my husband was coming but it didn't happen that way at all.

Sometimes I still can't believe it.

I'm going to have a husband.

I'm going to be a wife.

Wife.
Wife.
Wife.

It is not a title for the weak, the wack or the wishy washy.

I finally met a man who didn't want to play house or play games or play "doctor", all while dodging commitment.  And this means that I will be responsible for holding him down, keeping our home together and...most importantly, taking care of our children.

That in and of itself brings on another set of concerns.

As a teacher, I see what happens to children whose parents stink, so I have already placed a lot of pressure on myself to be a "good" mother.

Many of us are borderline crazy because of the things our parents did (or didn't do).

I certainly don't want to be responsible for ruining someone else's life.

Mother.
Mother.
Mother.

Exhale....

Will is THE most patient man. We have a lot of "What if" conversations...usually brought on by my neurosis. He says that my brain is a "Sims world" in which I make up fantasies that I actually believe to be true (HAHA).  Nevertheless, he walks with me through the scenarios - always positive, always loving.  

I love that man. :-)

He says that we can't predict the future and while I already know this to be true, that is exactly what breeds "the fear".

The Unknowns. The Maybes. The What Ifs. The Mights.
 
"What if...?"

"What should we do when...?"

"I saw this couple on TV..."

I like to be prepared for everything but you can't always prepare for life--it just happens.

The good thing is that I have a man who's ready to make "it" happen with me.  And for real, that's what really matters.

Changing my fear into faith...
:-)
Alonna