Cut him!

Women are nurturers. We instinctively desire to cultivate something and watch it grow - especially our relationships.

This is why, even when the writing is on the wall, telling us to leave a dude where he is standing, we linger and hover and wait...hoping that if we keep watering, fertilizing, and yanking out the weeds, a beautiful flower will blossom.

Sometimes you just need to pull everything up and start over.

Cut him if...

1. He lies to you.
This one goes without saying. If you can't trust the man, there really is no reason to stick around. I'm not just talking about suspicions - although those are signs too - I mean, you have flat out caught him in a lie. He said he was taking care of his sick momma, but you found out he went to the strip club with his boys. He told you he was working late but you ran into him at Happy Hour with some thirsty-looking woman from his job. It doesn't matter why he's lying, all that matters is you can't have a relationship with someone whose definition of honesty is, "Whatever she doesn't know, won't hurt her."

2. He lies to other people.
A while ago, when an ex was trying to get back into my good graces, he took me to breakfast, paid for the meal, then saved the receipt so he could write it off as a business expense for his job. RED FLAG! MAN DOWN! Lying about a $30 meal showed a lack of integrity and proved that he was not the one.  If he fibs to his job, his family, his friends, or whomever, please believe that it will be no time before he is lying to YOU (reread #1). That was the last time he ever saw me again.

3. He has baby mama drama.
Unresolved issues with the mother/s of his child/ren WILL affect your life. Trying to take care of babies you did not birth is difficult enough as it is, why add to the stress? I don't care how "good" he is to you, if every conversation he has with the BM turns into World War III you need to let him go.

4. He is inconsistent.
On Monday, Boo Boo is all about you. Whenever your cell vibrates, it's Boo with another syrupy-sweet text, email or call. He even dials you up just to say "good night". Awww. It's precious. On Tuesday, the texts are sweet, but not as delicious as Monday's trip to the candy store. Wednesday is sprinkled with boring, distracted small talk and Thursday looks like this: one text, a chain letter email forward, and a two-minute call. Friday seems promising because he says that he wants to see you and although you're irritated, you agree, giving the benefit of the doubt. Well, the weekend comes and goes and homeboy appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth. He hasn't contacted you, nor is he returning your texts or calls. You get a lame apology the following Tuesday--via text, no less, then don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks. Just when you decide to delete that joker from your address book and your memory bank, he's comes baaaaack. Like a poltergeist.

A man like this usually has unfinished business in the background. His interaction with you depends on how frequently or infrequently the other woman is letting him run the same tired game on her.

Cut. Delete. Unfriend.

5. He never answers the phone.
You call, he doesn't answer, then hours later he calls you back.

Every? Single? Time?

Cut.


The bottom line is this: 1+1 is and always will equal 2. If his words and actions don't add up; if you don't feel at peace; if you have to coerce yourself into making something "fit", then it's not working and you need to move on.

We all have loved and lost but one thing we need to stop wasting is time.

Cut that zero and get with a hero. Lol.

XO,
Alonna

Brainwashed

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ~ G. Steinem

I was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Love & Hip Hop and was blown when Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her long time boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones.

Gave that man a custom-made, blinged out ring.

Oh yeah, and it cost 12 Gs.

Oh, AND she said that she'd pretty much spent all of her money on it. 

Siiiiiigh.

Where do I even begin?

Women want to be pampered and put on pedestals. "Treat me like a lady," we say. We also want the option to flourish and exist completely separate from a man. "I'm independent and don't need a man," we also say.

Sometimes I understand why dudes are so confused. 

Which one is it? We can't have it both ways.

Chrissy said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. Her message to women? "Go 'head y'all keep waiting. I'ma get what I want".

If you watched the dynamics of their relationship play out on TV, you know that what she's actually getting is the short end of the stick.

They have been dating for six years and are shackin' up. As far as I can tell, their money is separate (I could be wrong). And even after she gave him the ring, he wouldn't discuss wedding plans. When Chrissy told Jim that she would leave if their engagement lasted too long he replied, "Just take the dog with you too."

Talk about writing on the wall.

Like most women, I'm sure Chrissy blames "love" for her lack of wisdom.

Poor love.

It gets the worst rap. It seems so selfish and so...well, stupid.

We always fault love when we are not thinking clearly. "The heart wants what it wants," we whine. "Love is blind," we declare.

Blind indeed.

But is it "love" that causes you to propose to a man who, after six years of living with you and sleeping with you, has shown no interest in officially taking you off the market?

Maybe Jim Jones doesn't want to marry Chrissy. Or anyone for that matter...and that's surely his prerogative. But shouldn't he just say that instead of dangling the illusion of commitment in front of her? And isn't Chrissy old enough to read the signs that if a man has not proposed and married her in six years, he isn't serious about ever committing?

Society has brainwashed women into believing that it's okay to chase men who don't step up to the plate. Magazines tell us that there is a man shortage (especially in the Black community) which causes us to commit desperate, reckless actions.

It is a myth that men don't know what they want. Those who stall or drag their feet are just trying to think of a way to escape with minimal drama. Don't make excuses and don't give men like this a pass for hurting your feelings or leading you on. Pay attention and move on.

I was in a relationship with a man for five years. After two major break ups, years of arguing, crying, acting crazy (me, of course) and months of pre-marital counseling, the brother still couldn't buy a ring and set a date.

I left.

He made every excuse in the world for why we weren't moving forward but at the end of the day, that's all they were: EXCUSES.

He wasn't ready. Or maybe he just didn't want to marry me. I wish that he had told the truth but since he couldn't, I had to make a decision that was best for Alonna.

I did not wait it out because "a good man is hard to find".

I did not put my house on the market and force myself into his. 

I did not buy a ring and twist his arm into committing.

If you are a "good" woman and the man you're with doesn't recognize it, leave.

God has something else for you.

I'm not saying that it won't hurt or that it won't be painful. I second-guessed my decision many, many times, especially when each relationship after him was a disaster.

But you have to get to the point where your self-worth outweighs all of the "love" you have for a man. You have to get the point where your time, your heart and your spirit are precious gifts that you will not waste on just anybody.

I'm getting married in 47 days. Our wedding is taking place on the one year anniversary of the day we met.

He brought up commitment, then marriage first. He proposed. He wanted to get married a few months ago.

He knew he had a good thing and was ready to lock it down. (tee hee) ;-)

Some people may say that knowing a man for a year is not "long enough" to know that you want to marry him.

I say that once you've been through some things, with God's help, you can tell in less than six months whether or not someone is temporary or permanent.

I will also say that if marriage is something that's in your heart, you should never give up what you want just because the current man in your life is not ready.

Don't let men, magazines or even your friends and family brainwash you into believing that you should take who and what you can get, any way you can get it.

Speaking of friends and family...surround yourself with people who have sense. Not once did Olivia question Chrissy's reasons for proposing. Not once did she point out the role that men play as leaders in the household and that if he can't lead with something like marriage, he certainly will be unable to lead with finances, child-rearing or anything else significant.

It was the blind leading the blind. And you know what Jesus said about that: "If one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch." (Matthew 15:14).

Hot mess.

You have ONE life.

Don't spend it waiting on anyone.

Hugs,
Alonna

Let Him Lead

I want to start this post by saying that I think relationships should be 100/100, not "50/50" as the saying goes.

You're either all in, or you're not in at all.

With that being said, experience has taught me that the man needs to first demonstrate that he is all in if the relationship is actually going to go somewhere.

The "typical" woman has been dreaming about her wedding day since puberty.  The venue, the dress, the shoes, the rings...the picture is vividly painted in her mind.

The "typical" man is different. He won't genuinely start thinking about marriage until he's been around the block a few times to see for himself that the "grass" pretty much looks the same in every neighborhood.

Or until all of his boys are married. 

Men don't fantasize about their tuxes or about how much their diamonds will sparkle in the light. But they do imagine how their home cooked meals will taste and how many times they will get laid each week.

Mars and Venus indeed.

Because of these differences, I always advise women to hold their cards close for as long as they can. I don't mean that we should be nasty or aloof and distant, but don't jump out the window, giving everything you have (as we naturally do) until you see that the man you care about is standing on that ledge next to you.

In the beginning, he should be initiating the date requests and the majority of the phone calls.

He should be the first to bring up exclusivity and commitment.

He should be first to say, "I want you to meet my mother..." (or father, auntie, Big Mama, whoever!)

Women are always ready to do these things. We YEARN to do these things. But to do so before a guy has proven that he is capable of giving you what you want is emotional suicide.

Steve Harvey said something to women has stuck in my head: "Only give what you get, until you are getting what you want..."

Don't make excuses or extend undeserved grace to a man who is falling short. "If I give it some more time, he'll come around..." Women who think that men need more time to express their emotions have been bamboozled. 

The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22). The man should be finding the woman, not the other way around. It's in their DNA to pursue. Like Usher sang, he should be looking for you "in the daytime with a flashlight".

When a man is ready, he will not play games. He will not lie or mislead. He will not keep his distance. He will not avoid conversations about marriage and family. In fact, he will initiate those conversations. His heart will be open--wide open.

Unfortunately by this time, he has also probably hurt and/or passed up at least five other great potentials, but the fact is, he just wasn't ready for any of them.

Many women have experienced this. We date a man for years, invest mucho time, hoping that it's going somewhere, but the relationship ends.  Then BAM! in a year or less we hear that homeboy has married someone else.

Cue the music for Vesta's "Congratulations".  Makes you wanna holler, doesn't it?

Don't holler for too long though. He's not "yours" if he ends up with someone else. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry, settle down, pop out some babies and live happily ever after. But do it with someone who wants to do it too. Clubbing someone over the head and dragging him down the aisle will hurt everyone involved. Nagging, whining and hanging on until he "comes around" will only hurt YOU.

Let him lead.

XOXO,
Alonna

You Don't Need "Closure"

The first thing Mary Harvey says in Part One of her tell-all video about ex-husband Steve Harvey is that she needs "closure".

I don't know much about their issues, nor do I care, but the minute she used that word, I instantly decided that her motives were unhealthy.

She aired all of their business, too much of their business.

All in the name of closure.

What is closure? For a woman, closure is getting answers or "peace of mind" after a relationship ends. We especially want closure after our feelings have been hurt for "no reason" or when we weren't ready for the relationship to end. We are pissed off and broken and want to know WHY?!

A few weeks ago I was thinking about a guy I dated last year. I thought we were creating something lovely, then it all went down hill. The demise of our relationship didn't cause me to lose sleep; it didn't even make me cry but I was upset because some things had occurred that I didn't understand and I wanted an explanation.

He never gave me one.

When I sat here thinking that I didn't get any "closure", I instantly had to check myself.

It's human nature to ask questions. Some of the best discoveries started as a"Why?"

But sometimes there are no answers to our questions.

Sometimes it just is.

And we have to accept that.

Calling and texting and emailing someone in an effort to learn the reasons behind his actions only hurts you. You will never get the answers you are seeking, which will lead to further pain or anger.

The best thing to do is to let it go.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter "why". All that matters is that the relationship is over for a reason and it is time for you to move on with your life.

If he cheated on you, is there really anything he can say to make you feel "better"?

If he hit you, what justifications are you seeking?

If he stopped calling, stopped asking to see you, stopped taking your calls, isn't that enough?

Why hold yourself in limbo, trying to decode all of the possible reasons why someone hurt or left you? The fact of the matter is, he did and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

I had to stop racking my brain over the "Whys?" at the end of every relationship. I was worrying myself to death trying to understand what was not meant for me to understand. Each time, I had to say to myself "It is what it is," and that's when I was able to release the pain and move forward blissfully with my life.

As a Christian, I truly believe in Romans 8:28, which states, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (NKJV)

There's your closure right there.

--Alonna

Grow Up

I have a question for men over 30 who are still flying solo:

Why are you single?

Without hesitation some of you will blame your exes:

"She was crazy."

"She was pressuring me to get married."

"She didn't understand me at all."

A few will shrug and mumble, "I'm not ready to settle down".

A handful will say something that makes sense.

And others will have no comment.

Riiiiight.

A lot of men have convinced themselves that they are "selective". These men are always ready to recite the list of qualities they want in a wife and will complain that it's hard to find someone who meets their standards.

I'm not saying that marriage should be on every man's "To Do" list, 'cause let's face it...some wouldn't even be good at it.

BUT...

If you don't want to commit, don't say that you do.

And if you don't want to commit, don't have sex with her.

And if you don't want to commit, don't procreate with her...

But if you do...and you "love" her...why haven't you wifed her?

You know...get the license, go to the courthouse, the church, Vegas...wherever...and get married, "put a ring on it", make her your wife.

Not "wifey".

Ugh. I hate that word.

It irks me when men drag out relationships they don't want in order to use women for sex or money or as a distraction from their personal issues.

But men are not all to blame.

I wish that women made wiser choices. We have intuition and instincts that we tend to ignore.

We linger in relationships that don't fulfill us or that kill our spirits.

We know when a man is runnin' game, yet we keep hanging in there...hoping and wishing and praying...

Making excuses.

We believe it when they say things like, "All men cheat". We listen as they blame their penises, their equally weak friends, and society for why they can't be faithful or honest.

Men play with women's hearts and minds then wonder why their car windows are busted and their voice mails are filled with curses, tears and threats.

I think there'd be a lot less drama in relationships if men just said what they really wanted.

"I just want sex."

"I am only going to call you when my #1 can't hang out with me."

"I know you're a good woman, but I'm too immature to settle down right now and can't make a real commitment to you the way you deserve. I want to keep exploring my options because I really think the grass may be greener..."

Let the woman decide if she wants to deal with inconsistency, immaturity, insensitivity and foolishness.

But don't lie or tell half-truths or lead her on.

Speak up.

Man up.

Grow up.

The women of the world are waiting on you...

Alonna

Drama Queens

The other day I was talking to a friend about our new relationships.

I'm really happy.

She's...umm...happy enough.

He's a good dude - kind, considerate, loyal, loving, attractive...all of that.

Soooo, what's the problem?

According to her, he doesn't give her the "woo woos".

You know, those little butterflies...and that sparkly, fiery, Fourth of July feeling...

But what are the woo woos, really?

With the wrong man, I think they are those feelings of stress a woman experiences when she's in a doomed relationship.

Her stomach flips and dips when he doesn't return her calls, when he can't be reached on his cell and when she suspects him of cheating.

They're the feelings a woman experiences when the love she gives is taken for granted and is not reciprocated but, for some reason, she holds on.

These kind of woo woos should be called the "woe woes".

Because that's what you end up having when the guy who made you see "fireworks" turns out to be a disaster and a regret.

I don't think any woman should commit to a man who does not interest or stimulate her. If he doesn't do it for you, then he doesn't do it for you and you shouldn't force something to work just because the guy is nice and likable.

My man gives me butterflies, fireworks, and everything else in between...but he gives me love more than anything else. Drama free.

When there's no soap opera, why do we fear that he's not "the one"? That he's too boring? And too ordinary? Or too unspecial?

"What if there's someone better?" We wonder.

What if there isn't?

Maybe the calm is a sign of something good.

That saying about wanting what you can't have rings true here. We sometimes desire those unattainable men who string us along, drive us crazy and stress us out. Sure, he's physically present but you know that neither his heart nor his mind are with you.

But you still want him.

They say men enjoy the chase...some women do as well.

After surviving a series of heartbreaks with men who gave her the woo woos and the woe woes, a woman is sometimes unprepared to have a great guy come her way. If he's too loving, too available, too open, we assume that something must be wrong.

And sometimes that causes us to create our own drama...

He accidentally writes "your" instead of "you're" in his text...you want to re-enroll him in the fourth grade.

He wore the wrong socks one time so you decide that he has no style, no swag, and can't possibly be the one.

He pronounces a menu item incorrectly...obviously that means he's an idiot and is not your soul mate.

Stop it.

Stop looking for something to be wrong and let a good man love you.

The Bible defines love as follows:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

The entire passage is the bomb, but I always hover around the first three words, "Love is patient." Doesn't that mean it takes its time?

You might not get the woo woos on the first date. Maybe not even the second or third dates. But if he's a good person and you like him, isn't he worth giving a chance?

I met my boyfriend in Miami, of all places. He's from New York, I'm from Maryland and we seemed worlds apart in the beginning. For the longest time I thought he was "super cool" but I specifically told my girlfriend, "I really like him, but he is not my husband."

But we kept talking and built a friendship. We enjoyed each other as people first, not as potential bed mates or even as a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

And now, he's the peanut butter to my jelly. :-)

Fireworks don't always ignite in the beginning. And maybe that's a good thing. Sometimes fireworks are really lust and infatuation. Give it a reasonable amount of time. Accept him for who he is and not for who you want him to be.

Don't compare him to any jokers from your past who gave you that tingly feeling but also broke your heart.

Don't start fights to test him.

Don't challenge his manhood.

Don't be a drama queen.

:-)

Alonna

Why Rebounds Don't Work

Breakups.

They are a part of life.

They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.

They burn.

They hurt.

They freakin suck.

Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.

Ugh.

When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.

You want to stop crying.

You want to stop thinking about him or her.

You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)

You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."

We all handle break ups differently.

Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.

Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.

And the rest...

Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.

They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.

I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"

We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.

But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.

First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.

Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.

Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.

Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...

After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."

You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.

Soooo what is my advice?

("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)

Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?

If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.

I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.

You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.

My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.

The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.

When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.

Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.

Recover.

Rest.

Rebuild.

Restore.

So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)


Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

Love or Sex?

A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:

1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?

I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?

Does love really conquer ALL?

How important is sex in a marriage?

I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...

Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.

I'm not a virgin.

Nope.

Far from it.

Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.

Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!

Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.

But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?

If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?

My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.

Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!

God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!

In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."

I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.

I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...

I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.

For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!

I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.

Now, on the other hand...

There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.

So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?

I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?

What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??

I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Alonna


**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)

Should it really be this hard...?

I recently read an article written for Christian singles cautioning us to heed the obstacles that God places in our paths. The author made a point that stuck with me: "It is possible, is it not, that it is this difficult for a reason? Perhaps it is not supposed to BE--at all" (from "On Being Hindered, Part 2" by Hudson Russell Davis). Those two little sentences sent me into deep reflection about relationships and WHY people continue to fight for those things that never should have been in the first place.

As I write this, I'm watching "Tough Love: Couples" wondering if this woman will stay with her boyfriend who just confessed that he received a Happy Ending at a massage parlor. She says she isn't forgiving him, but my gut tells me that she will not only forgive him, but will also stay with him. They are arguing and cursing like two fools on national TV. He says he loves her, but how can you "love" someone and do something like that? Moreover, how can you stay with someone who obviously does not love you and definitely does not respect you? Why are you fighting for something that is not working? *Sigh*.

Some men and women complain about constant, ongoing battles in their relationships. I've heard of couples who beef EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Is this the model of a modern relationship? A miserable cycle of hardcore fighting, name calling, disrespecting, breaking up, and getting back together?

I wonder if toxic couples actually view their own relationships as such, or if they have just accepted that the drama is now a part of who they are? Can I go further and say that these couples actually...dare I say, enjoy the chaos?

It is difficult for us to admit that we have made a bad decision, to admit that the person we CHOSE is not the right one. So, what do we do? We try to force something to work that is not working just so we can save face and avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and facing reality. Or, we look back at the time we've invested thinking, "It's too late to back out now...what about all these months/years I've lost?" But who are you helping when you stay? Especially if the two of you are incompatible and it's just not meant to be.

If you're breaking up once a month, every few months, or just threatening to break up, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If, after a significant amount of time together (let's say 1+ years), you are STILL arguing about things that new couples argue about, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If you don't even LIKE and can barely TOLERATE everything that makes that person who he/she is, then perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you can't remember the last time you had fun together or the last time you laughed with each other but you know exactly what your last fight was about, perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you are upset more than you are content, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Relationships are meant to strengthen and build us up, to challenge us, and make us better...maybe I'm wrong??? If yours is causing you to lose sleep, drink or eat excessively, smoke on something just to deal with your significant other...you may need to rethink the whole thing.

If you're not married, you're lucky...BOUNCE!!!! Stop believing that endless trials are typical and serve to build the "character" of your relationship...they are not and absolutely do not. There is nothing normal about being mad and fighting with someone every day or every other day. If you are married...umm...perhaps you should get some counseling. A third party may need to help the two of you figure out why you got married in the first place. And please don't say those issues weren't apparent when you were dating...you know that's a lie! :-/

I'm not saying don't put the effort into your relationship or run away when you face a challenge, but if the good outweighs the bad; if you're crying more than you're smiling, then maybe you are holding onto something that has passed it's expiration date.

Thinking like a man....

When Steve Harvey first told women to "act like a lady, think like a man" I rolled my eyes. For the longest time I wondered, what exactly is thinking like a man (no I haven't read the book)? But the longer I remain single, the more I realize that "thinking like a man" is the best way for a woman to survive "the game" until she meets The One.

To me, thinking like a man means keeping your options OPEN!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm realistic and I know from firsthand experience that dating is rough, sometimes brutal. There are many "fish" out there but not all of them are good catches. So, women have been programmed to think that once we FINALLY click with a nice, attractive guy, we should settle down in our choice and be content with our good luck. But, listen...going on a few good dates does not make dude the end all and the be all for you. Most likely, after he pulls away from your house, he is whipping out his cell and calling the next chica to set up tomorrow's date...nothing personal, he's just keeping his options open until he's absolutely, positively, certain that he is making the right choice. After all, it's not "natural" for a man to be with one woman, right? At least that's what they want us to believe...So until they KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW, they aren't ruling out anything halfway decent that's coming their way.

There's nothing wrong with you. You ARE all that and then some. He knows that you own/rent your home and your car, that you pay your bills on time and that your credit score is high enough to buy him and his Mama. He understands that you are educated and well read and that you have a career. His compliments about your hair and your clothes are genuine. He appreciates that you are on your shoe game and that your mani and pedi are always fresh. He's glad you can make a subject and a verb agree in a sentence and that you didn't flirt with the busboy who looked like Idris Elba. He knows ALL of that, but to him you are just WOMAN I LIKE until he is ready to make that commitment. This is how many (not all) of them think and it isn't wrong in their minds.

So what are WE doing after that magical date? While homeboy is barely out of our neighborhood and on his cell talking to WOMAN I LIKE #2, we are on our cells calling the bff exclaiming "Girl, I think he could be IT. He paid for dinner and opened my doors..." Really? Umm...no. Yea, he was cute and it's great that he paid for your meal, but why should you shut the door to all of the other fun, attractive, will-also-pay-for-your-meal guys that would love to take you out? Let those guys see how fabulous you are too! You wouldn't invest all of your money in one company, you don't do all of your shopping in one store...so why would you date that way? There's nothing wrong with diversifying, doing some browsing until YOU are sure as well. Women are often waiting for a man to be sure. How about we start making sure that WE are sure? "You don't know if you want ME? Well, maybe I don't know if I want YOU!" ;-) And that's just the way it goes...

So, don't immediately call the bff. Change your clothes, wash your face and return those text messages and missed calls that are waiting on YOUR cell phone (you probably turned off your ringer during that dream date, right?). Tell Dude #2 and Dude #3 that dinner on Friday and brunch on Saturday sounds great. And if Dude #1 calls for another date (and he probably will), tell him that you MAY be able to fit him in on Sunday after church...he does go to church, right? :-) That's a TOTALLY different topic...but anyway....you're not cheating when there's no commitment (and Lord, please don't sleep with all of these dudes), you're just thinking like a man!! :-p


Alonna