Drama Queens

The other day I was talking to a friend about our new relationships.

I'm really happy.

She's...umm...happy enough.

He's a good dude - kind, considerate, loyal, loving, attractive...all of that.

Soooo, what's the problem?

According to her, he doesn't give her the "woo woos".

You know, those little butterflies...and that sparkly, fiery, Fourth of July feeling...

But what are the woo woos, really?

With the wrong man, I think they are those feelings of stress a woman experiences when she's in a doomed relationship.

Her stomach flips and dips when he doesn't return her calls, when he can't be reached on his cell and when she suspects him of cheating.

They're the feelings a woman experiences when the love she gives is taken for granted and is not reciprocated but, for some reason, she holds on.

These kind of woo woos should be called the "woe woes".

Because that's what you end up having when the guy who made you see "fireworks" turns out to be a disaster and a regret.

I don't think any woman should commit to a man who does not interest or stimulate her. If he doesn't do it for you, then he doesn't do it for you and you shouldn't force something to work just because the guy is nice and likable.

My man gives me butterflies, fireworks, and everything else in between...but he gives me love more than anything else. Drama free.

When there's no soap opera, why do we fear that he's not "the one"? That he's too boring? And too ordinary? Or too unspecial?

"What if there's someone better?" We wonder.

What if there isn't?

Maybe the calm is a sign of something good.

That saying about wanting what you can't have rings true here. We sometimes desire those unattainable men who string us along, drive us crazy and stress us out. Sure, he's physically present but you know that neither his heart nor his mind are with you.

But you still want him.

They say men enjoy the chase...some women do as well.

After surviving a series of heartbreaks with men who gave her the woo woos and the woe woes, a woman is sometimes unprepared to have a great guy come her way. If he's too loving, too available, too open, we assume that something must be wrong.

And sometimes that causes us to create our own drama...

He accidentally writes "your" instead of "you're" in his text...you want to re-enroll him in the fourth grade.

He wore the wrong socks one time so you decide that he has no style, no swag, and can't possibly be the one.

He pronounces a menu item incorrectly...obviously that means he's an idiot and is not your soul mate.

Stop it.

Stop looking for something to be wrong and let a good man love you.

The Bible defines love as follows:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

The entire passage is the bomb, but I always hover around the first three words, "Love is patient." Doesn't that mean it takes its time?

You might not get the woo woos on the first date. Maybe not even the second or third dates. But if he's a good person and you like him, isn't he worth giving a chance?

I met my boyfriend in Miami, of all places. He's from New York, I'm from Maryland and we seemed worlds apart in the beginning. For the longest time I thought he was "super cool" but I specifically told my girlfriend, "I really like him, but he is not my husband."

But we kept talking and built a friendship. We enjoyed each other as people first, not as potential bed mates or even as a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

And now, he's the peanut butter to my jelly. :-)

Fireworks don't always ignite in the beginning. And maybe that's a good thing. Sometimes fireworks are really lust and infatuation. Give it a reasonable amount of time. Accept him for who he is and not for who you want him to be.

Don't compare him to any jokers from your past who gave you that tingly feeling but also broke your heart.

Don't start fights to test him.

Don't challenge his manhood.

Don't be a drama queen.

:-)

Alonna

How to Lose a Woman (before you even get her)

The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.

Some of them have been lovely.

Some of them have been comical.

Others have been down right ridiculous.

I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.

Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)

These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:

1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.

You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above

Make up your mind.

If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.

Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.

2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.

Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."

Yuck.

Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.

3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!

Who does this?!

Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.

Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.

And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"

Now you're looking silly.

4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.

The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.

Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.

5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.

Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.

Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)

Alonna

The Walls

My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.

But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:

"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."

Like I said, I can relate.

Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.

I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.

Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.

Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.

I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.

I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.

Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.

We were giving too much too fast.

Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.

Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.

These days I have taken caution to the next level.

My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.

Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."

That's the bottom line for me.

I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.

I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.

A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.

Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?

Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.

His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?

I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."

Good.

When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.

Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.

My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.

No walls, just wisdom,

Alonna
xoxo

"Done" With Black Men...? NEVER!

Not too long ago, one of my friends declared on his facebook page that he was "done with sistas".

Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.

When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.

I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.

*Sigh.*

Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.

Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.

Others are "done".

Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.

Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.

But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."

LOL.

I'm not addressing any of those things...today.

But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:

I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.

I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.

My father is black.

My stepfather is black.

My stepbrothers are black.

My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.

Guy friends...they're black too.

Obviously, I've had experience with black men.

It hasn't been all pretty.

In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.

Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.

Such is love and life, though.

God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).

I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.

I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)

Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:

My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)

A black man.

My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.

A black man.

Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.

Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.

They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.

They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.

Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.

Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.

Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.

A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.

Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.

A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.

Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.

A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.

A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.

Black men have wined and dined me.

Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)

Black men have prayed with me and for me.

A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.

Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.

They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.

They've shown me how to have fun.

They are not perfect.

They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.

...But doesn't everyone do these things?

They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.

They handle their business and take care of their families.

They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.

They smell so good.

They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.

For me, the good far outweighs the bad.

I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...

I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.

To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?

I love me. :-)

And I love black men.

XOXO,

Alonna

Do People DATE Anymore?

I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.

I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".

Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.

I'm over it.

I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.

Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".

Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.

I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.

When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"

*BLANK STARE*

The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?

Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.

He said he was fine with that...

I don't know what's going to happen there.

Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.

I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."

A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.

Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.

Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...

Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?

I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.

Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.

Do people DATE anymore?

I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.

Is it really worth all of that?

I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.

Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.

Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.

Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.

Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.

But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.

And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.

You sound L-O-C-O.

And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.

Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...

Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!

And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.

If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.

If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.

Just date.

And date.

And date.

And date...

Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)

Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.

And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...

Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.


All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna

The Negotiables

I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.

I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."

Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.

No one is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.

Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.

So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.

First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.

Now, on to the negotiables...

Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...

In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.

It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.

It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.

Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)

It's okay if he's the same height as you.

It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.

It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.

That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.

Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?

Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:

1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.

You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.

People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.

Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.

Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.

Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."

I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?

What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?

What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?

What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?

Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?

I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.

Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?

Nuff said.

Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.

Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.

I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."

Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.

But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.

Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.

Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)

If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.

I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.


Love and Happiness!

Alonna

What Men Want

This post makes me :-).

I asked a group of men, ages 26-40, of various races, backgrounds and experiences to describe the top 5 things they want in a woman.

A few of them answered straight to the point: I want this, this, this, that and that. Others actually went into detail and explained why those things are important to them.

Some responses were funny. Others were surprising and thought-provoking.

By the time I finished reading and thinking about what they'd all said, I realized something: men want a lot more than us women give them credit for.

This "privileged" information is a summary of their responses and is being presented in no particular order! ;-)


Men want respect.
Almost all of them mentioned this one. A woman should respect a man, his family, his wants and needs and his position as "the man". Men want to know that they aren't going to be second guessed about everything. A woman should try to have faith in her man, even if he's "blown it." This means that if he loses the keys to the car, buys the wrong fabric softener or gets lost on the way to the family reunion, she won't scream on him and make him feel like he's 7 years old or worse, a moron. If a woman refrains from these behaviors, the next time he will "be even more likely to try to impress you," Mike said.

Men want to have fun.
"A sense of humor"
"An ability to laugh"
"Be carefree"
"Have fun"
"Be unpredictable"
This was something that a lot of them said!!

Men want companionship and support.
"I want my lady to be my friend," Jason said.
A man wants someone he can talk to and who won't judge him. She should be someone he can confide in. As a companion, a woman will also support him and his dreams, even if they are "unreachable." She should give, "basic, consistent support," Nate said.

Men want sex.
I found it interesting that not all of them stated this, but MOST of them did - HAHA- no surprise there! Some of them even said "incredible" or "great" sex. There were even a few expletives that I won't repeat. Lol. It is a BIIIIIG deal.

Men want a woman who is "domestic."
Cooking and cleaning...taking care of home...One went so far as to say that if a woman does neither well, the man will cheat...let's hope that ISN'T true!!!! :-(

Men want a woman who is independent.
A man doesn't want a woman who depends on him to do everything. She should also have her own identity outside of the relationship and understand that he sometimes needs space to do the things he likes to do that might not include her. Duane even commented that during the playoffs, "We love to look at you, but would rather not talk to you during that time." LOL! Allen said that a woman should "know how to take care of herself..."

Men want honesty, fidelity and loyalty.
"Even when the truth hurts..." Jason said. (Hmm, I wonder if all men can handle that...)

I'm assuming the rest means: don't cheat and have their backs when necessary.

Men want to be "a man."
Wayne says that the problem with men and women is that there is an arm wrestling version of "who wears the pants." Teddy says that he wants a woman who knows what it means to be submissive. Ramoan said he wants "to feel like the man (needed)." Allen talked about letting him be "the man".

Ok, we get it...they all want to be "da man"...I agree though. Read my post, "Why I will never propose to a man"!!! :-)

Other things they said:

• understanding
• personality
• heart
• spirituality
• "be with me for the right reasons"
• communication
• intellectual stimulation
• compliments
• common sense
  

One thing I definitely learned is that men are more complex than I thought. Like I said, a lot of them went deep on my question. And not all men are the same. Greg told me that a man's needs change with age and that the 20-somethings may want something totally different from the 30+ crowd.

My only question is: when a woman has these things...why do men leave/cheat/still keep their options open??

I hope some of you can explain that to us!

We want to understand you! Believe me!

Stay tuned for "What Women Want..." ;-)


**Much love to Blanchard, Jason, Wayne, Ramoan, Teddy, Mike S., Duane, Anthony, Allen, Nate, Greg, and Gene for your openness and honesty!!


Still trying to figure y'all bammas out,
Alonna

Why Bitterness is NOT an Option

Last week I was mad.

No, scratch that.

Last week I was PISSED off.

After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.

I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."

It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.

After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.

I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.

I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.

I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.

I've caught all of them in lies.

I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.

I am not perfect.

I have made a TON of mistakes.

I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.

You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."

I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.

I know how to apologize.

I am learning how to choose my battles.

I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.

My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.

I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.

I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.

I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...

I have seen horrible women marry great men.

I have seen horrible men marry great women.

I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.

I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.

And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.

No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.

But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.

Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.

But don't get me wrong...

I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.

And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.

But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!

I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!

Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.

It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.

I know I am.

But bitterness is not an option for me.

Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.

With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.

It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).

And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.

Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.



Keep the faith,

Alonna

Why I Will Never Propose to a Man

I bought my house as a single woman. I know how to check the oil in my car and I can change a wax ring on a toilet. I can caulk windows, cut the grass, and kill mice (although I cry when I see them). I pay my bills on time. I work hard at my full time career and at my side hustle to support my shoe fetish and eating out habit. I'm very much an "independent woman" and I like being this way. I'm not so independent though, that I make statements like, "Women don't need men," nor do I actually want to BE a man - especially when I am in a relationship.

To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.

I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.

Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.

Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.

God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...

My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.

The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?

I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)

Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?

I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.

But that's just me! ;-)

Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,

Alonna

DON'T DATE THIS MAN!!!

Dating can be fun, but it can also be brutal and feel like a waste of time. Think about those occasions when you realized you got all dressed up to hang out with a buster. Ladies, print this list and keep it in your purse so you can critique all of the men you meet from now on! If any of these guys approach you, DO NOT give out your number! :-)


1. The Metrosexual
He dresses well - knows about complementing colors, not just matching, girl. He likes fine wine and keeps his mani and pedi FRESH every two weeks...is he gay? Maybe. A lot of hetero men who are THAT put together have a woman in their lives guiding them through the fashion, cuisine and hygiene worlds. You can always tell when a straight man is not in a relationship. He may be clean, nicely dressed and well spoken but something is always a tad bit off. Why does he have on white sweat socks with black dress shoes? or Why is he wearing those tacky sunglasses? or Why aren't his nails a little bit cleaner? Cuz he's STRAIGHT! Lol. If a man is so fresh and so clean and so perfect ALL the time he may be GAY. Keep him in your cell but file him under "friend".


2. The Baby Baby Baby Daddy
Today, it is almost impossible to meet someone who DOES NOT have children. I've learned that excluding men based on the fact that they are fathers isn't fair and can cause you to miss out on some really great guys. Soooo, I'm open to dating a baby daddy. HOWEVER, if he has 3+ kids by 3+ baby mommas, you need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is irresponsible and has commitment issues. Mark my words.


3. The Guy with the Substance Abuse Problem
There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, but the guy who gets s--t faced EVERY TIME y'all hang out has a problem. If he talks more enthusiastically about getting drunk than he does about seeing you, that's your clue to roll. My girlfriend told me about a guy who drank so much on their date that an ambulance had to be called because he had alcohol poisoning!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!! And drugs...do I really need to go there? People will argue that having a joint here and there is harmless. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, but I will say that someone who gets high everyday or multiple times a week is a...umm, weedhead. If he's always high, do you even know the real him?


4. The Cheapskate
He never wants to pay, but you know he's making a good salary? Only takes you to restaurants where you have to drive up in your car to place the order? Just buys the "necessities"? Fusses about going to the movies because he says it's a rip off? He's cheap. Give it some time, ask a few questions to find out why he's that way, but be prepared to move on. Who wants to live like that...working hard but never enjoying life?


5. The Angry Man
He flips out and gives the finger to every motorist who won't let him merge; screams at the waitress because she added a lemon wedge to the water; wants to argue with everyone, including you, about every...single...thing. Anger management issues much? Dump him immediately. Seriously, a guy this tightly wound has the potential to be physically and/or verbally abusive.


6. The Punk
Ahh, he seems wonderful at first. Always goes with your flow, never complains, never has a problem, never raises his voice....you never, ever argue. Why doesn't this man have an opinion? Furthermore, why didn't he open his mouth when that guy cut in front of you in line at the grocery store? Easy going is great; soft is not. Dismissed!


7. The Athlete or The Entertainer
This is going to cause some controversy but I don't care! I was watching "Basketball Wives" and one of them said that there is a 4% success rate for NBA marriages...I wonder why?? It doesn't matter if he played college, semi-pro, pro, a head coach, assistant coach, singing in a hole in the wall, or has 3 albums under his belt, he will think he is the shiz-nit. I have dated and have encountered some straight up DOGS under this category...I could write a book. When everything is handed to you, when women fawn all over you and you get what you want, when you want it...do you ever really appreciate anything? Maybe when you find Jesus or when you grow up...I'm not sure.


8. The Dummy
Can't find the U.S. on a world map; has no conversation -- ever...does this man even know that we have a Black president? Your IQ is dropping just by being in the same room as this man.


9. The Underachiever
He is perfectly content living with Mama until she passes away and leaves the house to him. He's been at the same job since he was 21 and has no interest in advancing - did I mention he's 40 now? He doesn't understand why you have a passport or why you actually want to SEE this big, beautiful world? After all, he's never traveled far from Maryland, DC, or Virginia. Seriously? Underachievers usually become, if they're not already, haters. They don't understand why you want more and constantly scoff at your dreams.


10. The "High" Chaser
He's never satisfied unless he has something new or is going somewhere. He can never be content with things "as is" and is always complaining about being unfulfilled or bored. Life sucks when he's not on the move. Eventually, he's going to look at you and want something "else". Leave him before he leaves you "high" and dry!


11. The Perpetrator
You thought he was so fly when you first met. He was handsome, funny, and charming. He claimed to know the finest people, eat in the finest restaurants, wear the finest clothes...but the suit he wore on date #1 is the same suit he wore on dates 3, 5, 8, and 10. He doesn't have much but wants you to think he has plenty. Now, everyone can't ball and every baller ain't what he seems (see #7) but why does dude always LIE to impress you and others? He's clearly insecure and although it may seem cute at first that he wants your approval, nobody wants to talk about labels and salaries and celebrity friends throughout every meal! Stop name dropping, homie. Your car is slick but the note is killing you and your apartment doesn't have any furniture in it!!! Get your self-esteem up! And while you're at it, why don't you try actually achieving some of those skills you lied about on your resume?

12. The Young Buck
Aww...he's so cute and hot diggity dang - he doesn't have a baby mama!!! You caught a glimpse of his muscles and almost fainted on the spot - yeah, it's true, the old heads just aren't keeping themselves up anymore. Soooo ok, he's fine, but he's also immature. He thinks dressing up is wearing black jeans, wants to borrow against his 401K to buy Christmas gifts and he doesn't know what brunch is. Dating him is fun at first, but then it gets super annoying. Give him one more goooooooooooood kiss and cut him loose.


I may be adding to this list as I move about town!!! :-)

Alonna