I love being a woman.
But sometimes we let our emotions and our over-analytical minds get the best of us.
We constantly dissect men's actions and words. Twisting and turning and spinning them upside down, trying to make sense out of those things which are obvious.
A woman will make all kinds of excuses for a man she likes. We will read too much into everything, looking for deep, soulful meanings instead of accepting a situation for what it is.
I'm finding that men are very easy to read. And the good ones are even easier because they don't lie or lead us on. :-)
I've been thinking a lot about New Boo, comparing him to others from my past. So far, he stands out in a lot of ways from all of them.
I think he's for real.
But how do you know?
1) He doesn't play games. Mature men know what they want. When a man likes you, he's going to act like it...pretty much from the jump. He won't purposely ignore your calls in an effort to keep you thirsty or to not seem too pressed. He won't try to ignite your interest by talking about all of the other women who want his mind, body and soul. If he wants you, he's not going to do anything that may push you away.
2) He tells you how he feels and what he wants AND it doesn't change daily.
Aretha sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I want to write a song about C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y. Any man can tell you that he cares about you and desires a future with you. The man who is for real feels this way everyday. Oh yeah, and he acts like it.
3) He does what he says he's going to do. Inconsistent men (see #2) don't keep their word. Don't make excuses when he says he's going to call you back, then doesn't; makes plans, then breaks them; gets you excited about going out or on vacation and then doesn't follow through. Chuck up the deuces to bammas like this!
4) He wants to spend as much time with you as he can. Don't confuse this one with a man who is possessive, though. When a man is for real, he WANTS to be around you. He is not going to constantly choose a night out with the guys or an evening with Madden 11 over you! If he is cool with going days and days and days without seeing you, he's not that serious. You can keep telling yourself that he's busy or works hard or has to spend time with his children or his family, but all you're doing is kidding yourself. People make time for the things they want.
5) He makes plans. I was in a relationship with a man for five years and we never took one vacation together. No, going to visit his family in Lewisberg, NC does not count. He never took the time to plan an evening or a weekend or a holiday and that bothered me a lot. It is one of the many reasons we aren't together anymore - he was so lackadaisical about our relationship. Women are often the planners. We like paying attention to details and doing the research to find a new restaurant or vacation spot. I get that; I'm okay with that. BUT every now and then, the man needs to do something. If he doesn't, you may want to inquire...
6) He wants everyone to know about you - including other women. Friends don't know that you exist? Stutters and can't get your name out of his mouth when other women are around? Blows his top when you write on his Facebook wall, "Hey baby, have a great day!"? Ditch him.
7) He wants to talk to you, learn you, know you and remembers the things you say. You love Mexican with extra guacamole? He knows. Red velvet cupcakes? He bought some for your birthday. The argument you had with your Mom? He wants to know if you're okay. The co-worker who gets on your last nerve? She gets on his nerves too and he's never even met her. He knows your siblings' and friends' names, your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite wine. Your conversations are give and take...not all about him. He enjoys learning what makes you, YOU!
Listen, it's okay if a man isn't into you...everything ain't for everybody. And the sooner you know that he's not your match, the sooner the right one can make his way towards you.
But don't waste your time making excuses!
Wait for the real deal,
Alonna
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
How to Lose a Woman (before you even get her)
The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.
Some of them have been lovely.
Some of them have been comical.
Others have been down right ridiculous.
I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.
Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)
These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:
1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.
You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above
Make up your mind.
If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.
Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.
2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.
Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."
Yuck.
Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.
3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!
Who does this?!
Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.
Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.
And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"
Now you're looking silly.
4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.
The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.
Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.
5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.
Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.
Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)
Alonna
Some of them have been lovely.
Some of them have been comical.
Others have been down right ridiculous.
I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.
Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)
These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:
1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.
You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above
Make up your mind.
If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.
Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.
2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.
Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."
Yuck.
Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.
3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!
Who does this?!
Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.
Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.
And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"
Now you're looking silly.
4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.
The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.
Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.
5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.
Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.
Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)
Alonna
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Why I Will Never Propose to a Man
I bought my house as a single woman. I know how to check the oil in my car and I can change a wax ring on a toilet. I can caulk windows, cut the grass, and kill mice (although I cry when I see them). I pay my bills on time. I work hard at my full time career and at my side hustle to support my shoe fetish and eating out habit. I'm very much an "independent woman" and I like being this way. I'm not so independent though, that I make statements like, "Women don't need men," nor do I actually want to BE a man - especially when I am in a relationship.
To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.
I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.
Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.
Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.
God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...
My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.
The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?
I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)
Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?
I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.
But that's just me! ;-)
Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,
Alonna
To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.
I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.
Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.
Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.
God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...
My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.
The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?
I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)
Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?
I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.
But that's just me! ;-)
Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,
Alonna
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)