happily single = happily married?

I was extremely proud when, at 28 years old, I bought a house.

But as always, people had opinions:

I could never live alone.

I can't imagine doing something like that without a husband.

The truth is, I had just ended a long-term relationship with a man who was supposed to be "the one" and I had begun to wonder if I was ever going to get married. Purchasing a home was the first item on my list of Things To Do By Myself "just in case" a husband was not in the cards.

In my early to mid-twenties I was that woman who couldn't fathom doing anything without a man. I went from relationship to relationship, expecting boyfriends to fill a hole that no human could possible seal.

(Thank God I found Him and learned otherwise.)

I cried the first night I slept in my house. It was dark and quiet and I had never lived in a space by myself that occupied more than one level. Laying in bed alone, where a knife-wielding maniac could be roaming around one or two floors under me, was terrifying.

Mixed in with those tears were the other ones I shed because I couldn't believe I had done something so big...so long term...as a single woman.

I was an accomplished basket case.

The first time my toilet leaked through the bathroom floor down to the dining room ceiling, I cried.

The first time I saw a mouse, I cried.

The first time I caught one of those bammas in a trap and had to dispose of it myself, I cried--and slept with the lights on.

I cried on the phone to my mother about how I should not have purchased a home. She listened, as mothers do, then reminded me of Proverbs 10:22 which reads, "The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow to it" (NKJV). God's Word soothed me and I began to look at my situation a lot differently in the months that followed.

I started to really enjoy living alone. I painted the way I wanted, purchased decor without needing a 2nd opinion, stocked the refrigerator to suit me and I didn't have to worry about someone eating "my" stuff...

I fell head over heels, deliriously in love with being by myself.

Fast forward to today.

I'm 32 and getting married in a few months to a wonderful man. But I struggled in the beginning of our relationship because I had to learn how to share my time and my space when he's here. (Will lives in NY.)

I've had boyfriends since moving into my house (I even went back to that ex I mentioned earlier), but I grew to enjoy being single so much that it became hard for me to take someone else into consideration. Once, when Will and I first started dating I became upset because he wanted to visit two weekends in a row. All I wanted to do was eat, watch TV and drink wine in my pajamas for two days, without having to say a word to anyone if I didn't want to.

I was all about "doing me".

There's something almost addictive about the sweet selfishness that comes with being responsible for only you, and no one else...

Soooo...you may be wondering how I'm feeling, now that my blissful singlehood is about to come to an end.

Like I said, Will is a wonderful man and I'm so blessed to have him. I can't WAIT to start a life with him as my husband. The brightest side, though, is that because I have spent so much time alone, I have grown to a place where I know the only reason I am with him is because I WANT to be, not because I NEED to be.

Want = good. Need = bad.

Once he moves in, I know that if he wants to watch TV or play a video game in another room I won't freak out because I am perfectly capable of occupying myself.

And I know that if he stays out late for work or to hang out with his friends, I won't be blowing up his phone wondering where he is, what he's doing, or when he will be home.

If he doesn't want to go shopping with me, that's fine. I like doing that by myself anyway. :-)

If he decides to go to bed early because he's had a hard day, it won't be a problem.

I can see a movie alone, eat in a restaurant alone, work out alone, or go on vacation for a few days with my girls.

I don't need to smother him or throw tantrums when he wants to do things that don't involve me.

I think the key to being genuinely content with another person, is first being genuinely content with oneself.

My boo told me that one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because, "You just seemed so comfortable in your own skin".

That I am.

I am ready to be happily married because I have finally mastered the art of being happily single.

It's a lovely feeling. :-)

xoxo,
Alonna

You Don't Need "Closure"

The first thing Mary Harvey says in Part One of her tell-all video about ex-husband Steve Harvey is that she needs "closure".

I don't know much about their issues, nor do I care, but the minute she used that word, I instantly decided that her motives were unhealthy.

She aired all of their business, too much of their business.

All in the name of closure.

What is closure? For a woman, closure is getting answers or "peace of mind" after a relationship ends. We especially want closure after our feelings have been hurt for "no reason" or when we weren't ready for the relationship to end. We are pissed off and broken and want to know WHY?!

A few weeks ago I was thinking about a guy I dated last year. I thought we were creating something lovely, then it all went down hill. The demise of our relationship didn't cause me to lose sleep; it didn't even make me cry but I was upset because some things had occurred that I didn't understand and I wanted an explanation.

He never gave me one.

When I sat here thinking that I didn't get any "closure", I instantly had to check myself.

It's human nature to ask questions. Some of the best discoveries started as a"Why?"

But sometimes there are no answers to our questions.

Sometimes it just is.

And we have to accept that.

Calling and texting and emailing someone in an effort to learn the reasons behind his actions only hurts you. You will never get the answers you are seeking, which will lead to further pain or anger.

The best thing to do is to let it go.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter "why". All that matters is that the relationship is over for a reason and it is time for you to move on with your life.

If he cheated on you, is there really anything he can say to make you feel "better"?

If he hit you, what justifications are you seeking?

If he stopped calling, stopped asking to see you, stopped taking your calls, isn't that enough?

Why hold yourself in limbo, trying to decode all of the possible reasons why someone hurt or left you? The fact of the matter is, he did and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

I had to stop racking my brain over the "Whys?" at the end of every relationship. I was worrying myself to death trying to understand what was not meant for me to understand. Each time, I had to say to myself "It is what it is," and that's when I was able to release the pain and move forward blissfully with my life.

As a Christian, I truly believe in Romans 8:28, which states, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (NKJV)

There's your closure right there.

--Alonna

Grow Up

I have a question for men over 30 who are still flying solo:

Why are you single?

Without hesitation some of you will blame your exes:

"She was crazy."

"She was pressuring me to get married."

"She didn't understand me at all."

A few will shrug and mumble, "I'm not ready to settle down".

A handful will say something that makes sense.

And others will have no comment.

Riiiiight.

A lot of men have convinced themselves that they are "selective". These men are always ready to recite the list of qualities they want in a wife and will complain that it's hard to find someone who meets their standards.

I'm not saying that marriage should be on every man's "To Do" list, 'cause let's face it...some wouldn't even be good at it.

BUT...

If you don't want to commit, don't say that you do.

And if you don't want to commit, don't have sex with her.

And if you don't want to commit, don't procreate with her...

But if you do...and you "love" her...why haven't you wifed her?

You know...get the license, go to the courthouse, the church, Vegas...wherever...and get married, "put a ring on it", make her your wife.

Not "wifey".

Ugh. I hate that word.

It irks me when men drag out relationships they don't want in order to use women for sex or money or as a distraction from their personal issues.

But men are not all to blame.

I wish that women made wiser choices. We have intuition and instincts that we tend to ignore.

We linger in relationships that don't fulfill us or that kill our spirits.

We know when a man is runnin' game, yet we keep hanging in there...hoping and wishing and praying...

Making excuses.

We believe it when they say things like, "All men cheat". We listen as they blame their penises, their equally weak friends, and society for why they can't be faithful or honest.

Men play with women's hearts and minds then wonder why their car windows are busted and their voice mails are filled with curses, tears and threats.

I think there'd be a lot less drama in relationships if men just said what they really wanted.

"I just want sex."

"I am only going to call you when my #1 can't hang out with me."

"I know you're a good woman, but I'm too immature to settle down right now and can't make a real commitment to you the way you deserve. I want to keep exploring my options because I really think the grass may be greener..."

Let the woman decide if she wants to deal with inconsistency, immaturity, insensitivity and foolishness.

But don't lie or tell half-truths or lead her on.

Speak up.

Man up.

Grow up.

The women of the world are waiting on you...

Alonna

"A Fair Shake"

"I'ma need you to have some faith," he said to me.

Faith.

Although it is a noun, that word definitely feels like a VERB at times since it requires you to DO so much. Like step out there. Put your fears aside. And trust.

New boo has been in my life for a few months. We aren't official yet but things are good.

He says the right things, does the right things and I haven't had to raise my eyebrow or give him the side eye about anything.

Yet.

I say "yet" because I've been there, done that...got the t-shirt, the key chain and the hat.

The last guy I liked wanted me to relocate to NC to be with him. Two months in, he was talking about marriage and babies.

I should've known better.

He seemed sincere. Didn't appear to be the type to run game. Went on and on for months about how much he cared for me and how he had never felt so strongly about a woman so quickly...etc., etc., etc...

All of that yakkety yak and he wasn't over his ex.

There I was spending my hard earned MONEY and my priceless TIME flying back and forth to see him and he was mailing her romantic birthday cards and doing God only knows what else. Ain't that some bull*&%$....?

Got his spot blown up on Facebook, of all places.

Smh.

I'm relieved that I found out sooner than later that he was fluent in two languages - English and LIE.

But I can't pretend I'm not human. There were feelings involved and it stung.

Did I mention that I hate to fly?

Can I send that bamma a bill?

Lately my story seems to be: Meet a guy, let down my guard, he does something ridiculous, I roll, and the recovery process begins.

After this last attempt ended so badly, I started wondering if my relationship failures are my fault. I've been wondering if I am choosing the wrong men...

Soooo...I'm being extremely cautious this time.

Words mean nothing anymore. Actions win all. Consistent actions. No exceptions.

New boo is worried that I can't give him "a fair shake" (his words) because of my past. It's not that I want to penalize him for the mistakes of others...I just don't want to give my heart or waste my time on any more undeserving men.

I'm too old for the endless fighting, the games, the lies, the half-truths, the omissions, the confusion, and the back and forth.

And I'm too old and too Christian to bust out the windows of a man's car because he lacks the "act right" to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

There is no way of knowing what will happen between two people in a relationship. It is impossible to predict another person's actions and the only one you can control is you. You go in optimistic and open to the possibilities but you keep your eyes wide open.

You don't rush commitment before you or your potential partner are ready.

You don't negotiate your non-negotiables.

And you never ignore the signs and your intuition.

New boo is getting the fair shake he's asking for...I am slowly opening up but I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and blur my vision of what's reality and what's fantasy. One thing I've tried to get him to understand is that I have learned from my mistakes and I refuse to repeat them.

It's not personal.

It's not being defensive or cold or putting up walls.

It's using wisdom.
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment." (New Living Translation, Proverbs 4:7)

And if he is on the up and up...we will be good.

And if not...well, I will add his name to the history book.

I'm still giving love a chance but I'm certainly not opposed to kicking anyone to the curb with the quickness...

Alonna
:-)

How to Lose a Woman (before you even get her)

The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.

Some of them have been lovely.

Some of them have been comical.

Others have been down right ridiculous.

I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.

Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)

These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:

1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.

You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above

Make up your mind.

If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.

Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.

2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.

Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."

Yuck.

Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.

3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!

Who does this?!

Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.

Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.

And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"

Now you're looking silly.

4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.

The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.

Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.

5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.

Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.

Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)

Alonna

Why Rebounds Don't Work

Breakups.

They are a part of life.

They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.

They burn.

They hurt.

They freakin suck.

Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.

Ugh.

When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.

You want to stop crying.

You want to stop thinking about him or her.

You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)

You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."

We all handle break ups differently.

Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.

Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.

And the rest...

Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.

They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.

I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"

We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.

But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.

First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.

Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.

Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.

Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...

After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."

You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.

Soooo what is my advice?

("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)

Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?

If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.

I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.

You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.

My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.

The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.

When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.

Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.

Recover.

Rest.

Rebuild.

Restore.

So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)


Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)

Do People DATE Anymore?

I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.

I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".

Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.

I'm over it.

I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.

Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".

Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.

I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.

When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"

*BLANK STARE*

The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?

Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.

He said he was fine with that...

I don't know what's going to happen there.

Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.

I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."

A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.

Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.

Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...

Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?

I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.

Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.

Do people DATE anymore?

I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.

Is it really worth all of that?

I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.

Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.

Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.

Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.

Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.

But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.

And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.

You sound L-O-C-O.

And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.

Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...

Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!

And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.

If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.

If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.

Just date.

And date.

And date.

And date...

Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)

Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.

And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...

Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.


All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

What Women Want

"What do women want?" Chris Rock asked. "Everything! Women act like life is a big sale: 'I want to get the most s--t before things close down!' "

Chris Rock is a funny dude.

MEN!

Are you ready?

Can you even handle it?

And what will you do with this information once you've been enlightened!?

I asked single, divorced, and happily married women, some with children and some without, from their late twenties to 40 y.o. what they want in a man/relationship and they didn't hold back a thing!!

Soooo...what do women want?

I think this is a question that most, if not all, straight men would like answered. Women are often labeled as emotional, complex, and complicated creatures...and on many levels we are. Men often claim to be "simple" and "easy to please" and maybe in some ways they are but I think men will find that no, women don't want "everything", and yeah, actually we do know what we want.

I hope you're taking notes, guys. ;-)


Women want honesty.
This a trait that every single woman listed. Most of them said this is THE most or second most important thing they need from a man. You would think that this would be a given in any relationship, but sadly it is not. I think I speak for every woman who has been lied to or cheated on when I say: once you damage trust, she will NEVER look at you the same. DO NOT LIE. It's not worth it.
Side note: This does not apply to all situations. For example, if your girlfriend/wife gains 10 pounds, saying, "Wowww, you got fat!" is NOT acceptable. There's a difference between being honest and being rude or mean.

Women want respect.
Yep. Just like men. Let me tell you what disrespect looks like, for those of you who may be unsure:
1. Putting your hands on us
2. Cursing at us
3. Insulting us/name calling (especially in front of others)
4. Cheating
5. Lying
6. Telling us what we can or can't do like we are your daughters

Furthermore, there is nothing worse than feeling disrespected, calling your man on it and having him diminish it by calling you "sensitive" or emotional". What if the women did that to you, men?

R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Women want communication/openness.
Talented, beautiful, educated...we may be all of these things and more, but mind readers we are not. If something is bothering you, SAY IT! "Every time there is something wrong, we don't want to drag it out of them," Ty said. Poor communication RUINS relationships. When women are continuously shut out and pushed away, we begin to feel resentful and withdrawn. Okay, yes, you may be a "manly man" and we know that a lot of you were not raised to express your feelings, but check that caveman pride at the door and TALK to us. Almost every woman said this, guys.

Women want to feel appreciated.
"We don't mind stroking our man's ego, but sometimes we want ours stroked," Lolyta shared. And don't forget about the little things...we should not have to drop hints about how nice it was that our girlfriend or our coworker received flowers or a card from her man. Cards are $0.50 each at the Dollar Tree. Not one with the words? Writing a simple, "I love you" or "You da bomb, boo" will suffice.

I was in a long term relationship with an extremely critical person. Every time I did something for him, he always, always, always made a "suggestion" about what I could do better the next time. I honestly don't love cooking. I barely do it for myself but I will for someone who appreciates it and knows how to say "Thank you." This man made comments like, "Why did you put so much barbecue sauce on the chicken?" or "Why did you make the pancakes so small?" Petty stuff. And when I blew up, he just did...not...get...it. Eventually I didn't want to do ANYTHING anymore.

What if we said things like, "My ex had the tightest abs and he never climaxed in only 4 minutes when we made love. Would you like his number so you can get some tips?" Y'all would be HEATED.

I'm just sayin...

Women want to feel understood.
Try to put yourself in a woman's shoes. We are wives and mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and co-workers. Most of us work JUST LIKE YOU and some of us have VERY stressful careers. It's not all about you, all of the time. "We need for our men to appreciate all we do," Lolyta said. No, your woman does not want you to go hungry or wear dirty clothes or feel neglected but try to understand that on some days, Chinese will be on the dinner menu and there is a reason why she hasn't done the laundry yet. Although she may want to be domestic, "there is so much more to her than that." (Well said, Ty!) When you understand these things about your woman, you will pitch in to do what needs to be done in your household and not define roles as "only men" or "only women," Kezia said.
We also need men to understand that yes, we can be EMOTIONAL. Sometimes we are running only on emotions, but for real, men, don't you already know that? Accept it. Don't try to change us or make us think and feel the way you do because we probably won't a lot of the time. Ask us about our feelings...ask us about our day and LISTEN when we respond! Try to remember the things we say...pay attention to what we are wearing and compliment us. And oh yeah, PMS is real.

Women want a man who provides/is committed to/leads his family
Take care of your household! Take care of your children! A man should "not be comfortable with letting the woman be the sole provider," Brandi said. Tanika wants a man to have a stable income that will support the family. "My income should be optional," she stated. RaQeeba said she wants to feel secure.

I've known women who have worked TWO jobs while their husbands barely worked one. How any man could do that, I will never understand.

Women want sex.
Are you surprised? Contrary to stereotypes, women want sex just like men do. Yes, we like to get it in too. Umm, but don't get it twisted. A lot of us need to be emotionally stimulated before any type of affection jumps off. Soooo, ignoring our texts and phone calls all day, barely talking when you get home and then trying to cuddle up in bed later on is going to get you the cold shoulder, the grandma drawers and the 'do rag.

Don't believe me? This is real talk from the ladies:

"[I want] constant sex!"

"If I gotta lay beside you for the rest of my life...you'd better be putting it down!"

"[I want a] good and selfless lover."

"I wanted to put sex as #1 [on this list] but didn't want to look like a whore!"

"He has to be able to communicate verbally AND non-verbally!"

Women said these things, homies.

Think about it.


Other things they want:

• a spiritual leader
  
• spontaneity
• family-oriented
• "can cook more than Oodles of Noodles, " Malaika said.
  
• accepts and loves me unconditionally
  
• "bring out the best in me and make me want to be a better woman," SunShine said.
  
• diversity - "Not doing the same thing every Friday for 3 years," said Jai.
• fun
• loyalty
• sense of humor/personality
• ambition
  

A guy friend said to me, "Women and men want the same things, just at a different pace..." His words got me thinking: at the end of the day, women and men DO have differences, but are our desires and needs really that far off? God fashioned Adam in His image but He made Eve from Adam's rib.

I think Brandi said it best when she said, "Love me, care for me, be there for me."

For real though...that's all that women really want.

Speaking for the ladies,
Alonna


Shout out to Ty, SunShine, Kezia, Malaika, RaQeeba, Jai, Lolyta, Ami, Brandi, Angie, Tameka, Kyisha, and Tanika for being so open and real with your answers!! Love you!!

A Good Man

I would be remiss if I didn't follow up my last post with another, describing the characteristics of a good man. I'm talking to the ladies this time, but fellas, let's see how YOU measure up! :-p


A good man:


1. Loves God more than he loves you.
Like I told the men, someone who has a strong relationship with the Lord just isn't going to do certain things. Again, you should never expect perfection, but he will think differently, act differently, and speak to you differently. He will pray FOR you and WITH you, and no, saying grace doesn't count. God gives us guidelines on how to treat one another - yes the Bible does talk about honesty and fidelity and reaping what you sow. A man who loves the Lord will understand these guidelines and will live by them. You won't have to worry about what he's doing because he is accountable to God before he is accountable to you. And best believe if he steps out of line, the Holy Spirit will put him right back on it. The Bible says that "The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He will." (Proverbs 21:1). You want your "king" to have an ear that is turned towards God's lips. He will wait to hear from the Lord before he acts. He will make sound decisions for your family. You will not have to worry about him spending the mortgage at the casino or sleeping with his administrative assistant. He will seek the Lord in everything he does. I have learned very, very painful lessons from dealing with men who DO NOT have a relationship with God. They have no idea how to treat anybody, especially a woman.


2. Is trustworthy.
I was thinking about how much time we spend away from our significant others. A job may consume at least 10-12+ hours a day, including travel. With that much time apart, you had better be with a man you can trust. Trust is critical to all relationships and once broken, it is almost impossible to repair. A good man WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. HE WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU. He will be where he says he's going to be and with the person/people he says he’s going to be with. This means that if he says he's going out with Craig, Craig is not really Lisa from the office who has a crush on him. BAMMA! It is absolutely, 100% FOOLISH to stay with a man whom you do not trust.

3. Works.
This goes without saying, right? Wrong. I have seen too many tired dudes in relationships with women who work harder than they do. How do you say goodbye to your girlfriend/wife every morning, then sit your behind on the couch and do nothing all day? The Bible says, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thessalonians 3:10). It also says that a man who does not provide for his family is WORSE THAN an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Men are natural providers (supposed to be, anyway). If he has no desire to work, to find work (if he's unemployed for whatever reason), if he has no problem watching you take care of everything while he chills, he is NOT A MAN. Please dump him immediately. Now, if he is your husband...you need to get on your knees every, single night PRAYING for this boy (yes, I said boy) to change. And this is exactly the reason why it is unwise to marry someone who does not fit criteria #1.


4. Takes care of his children.
If he made them, he should be paying for them AND spending time with them. A deadbeat father is a deadbeat man. He is not even a man. He needs Jesus. Leave him alone.


5. Does what he says he's going to do.
There is nothing more infuriating than someone who says he will do something and then doesn’t do it. A good man keeps his word. If a man doesn’t follow through with the things he says he’s going to do, that’s a form of lying, wouldn't you agree? If you are dating someone like this, think about the big picture and how it would be if you ever had children together. Would you want someone who makes promises to your babies and then breaks them? Many children have sat by the telephone or by the door waiting on a “man” who did not keep his word.

6. Can take criticism.
No man wants to hear that he is falling short, but when the criticism is constructive and is said from a loving place, pride and ego should fly out the window and maturity and open-mindedness should walk in the door. You should be able to tell your man if something isn’t working for you and he should be able to listen to and receive what you have to say. Outside of issues that arise within your relationship, he may need to hear criticism about his professional and personal decisions. As a woman you offer a different perspective and what you have to say IS important. If he is always on the defensive and never wants to hear what you have to say, he has some growing up to do.


7. Respects his Momma.
Where do I even begin with this one? A man who does not respect his mother is not even worth the time of day. This damaged relationship is a perfect indication of how he is going to treat YOU. Does he neglect her? He will neglect YOU. Talk down to her? He will talk down to YOU. Ignore birthdays and holidays? Umm...do I need to go on? This is the woman who gave him life and he mistreats her? NOT good….Now, if your man has a crazy mother, it is still important to watch how he handles her. When we were children, we were supposed to obey our parents (Ephesians 6:1), but as adults we are told to honor them (Exodus 20:12). Honor. This is important to remember when you are dealing with a parent who brings drama and confusion. I’m not saying he has to subject himself to abuse of any kind, but he should still do HIS part in their relationship – call her, check in, just to make sure she is well. He may have to limit his contact with her because of her issues, but unless she is physically or emotionally abusive to him or you or your family, he should never just cut her off or disrespect her. I’ve never met a man who treated his mother poorly who treated his woman well.


8. Supports your dreams.
Women are told to support their men. “Stand by your man,” is how the song goes, right? Well, we need men who will stand by us as well. A good man will support your dreams. He will not be insecure when you announce that you want to go back to school or start your own business. He will not hate on you or try to put roadblocks in your way as you travel the path towards your destiny. Some men see your ascension as the decline of the relationship…i.e. if you better yourself, then you won’t want him anymore. Assure him that your self-improvement is not about him, it’s about you. If he can’t deal with that then…(I’ll let you finish that sentence!)


9. Will commit OR will be honest about not wanting to commit.
One year, two years, three, five, seven, TEN years and he hasn’t married you? Made some babies with you too? Lovely. I shouldn’t need to tell you that this man has commitment issues. Why are you still wasting your time? A good man will lock it down and put a ring on it but if he doesn’t want to get married, that’s perfectly OKAY AS WELL. There are some good men out here who may not want to be married, but they won’t lead you on either if they know that’s what you want.

10. Wants to know you/Is trying to learn you.
A good man will engage in conversations that will allow him to learn more about you. As he gets to know you, he will apply this knowledge in the relationship and will treat you according to what he has discovered. He should know your birthday, your favorite color, your favorite food, your dreams, your family issues, your personal struggles…all the things that make you, YOU! If he seems disinterested or always forgets the things you tell him, he is not the one for you.

11. Puts YOU first.
Respecting his mother is one thing, but treating her like SHE is his boo, or letting her punk you or mistreat you is another. A good man will elevate you to the #1 position in his life (well, #2 after God). As a wife, you should be his priority. When a man neglects to spend time with you because of familial “obligations” or plans with “Momma and ‘em” that is a HUGE problem. If he is determined to financially support his friends, his momma, his daddy, brother, sister, cousin...whoever, and it is hurting you and your family THAT is a problem! If you are not married, pay attention to these signs early. If he tells you that he wants to marry you but also says things like, “Well, my family comes before you,” what do you think he will be like after you get married? Hmmm??


12. Will recognize a good woman.


Are YOU a good woman? ☺


"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22).

YOU ARE A GOOD THING!!! Never settle and don’t let the men who fall short make you believe that what you want is unrealistic. WAIT for that good man and then REJOICE and LOVE him with everything you have when he finds you!!


He's out there!

Blessings,
Alonna

A Good Woman

They say a good man is hard to find. I don't know who "they" are, but I have learned from experience that this statement is definitely true. We already know that women outnumber men, but even though there are plenty of "fish" in the sea, it doesn't mean the catch is always the greatest. Men: once you get past the external, the physical, the superficial, you'd better have someone you can actually stand to be around. I've heard single guys complain that it's just as hard for them to find a good woman as it is for us to find a good man (the women are rolling their eyes). Maybe these men are right. Maybe they're just blind...who knows? What I do know is that people are CRAZY these days so it is difficult to find a quality person--man or woman--period. Soooo...what is a good woman? Men, if you're reading this, I'm going to help you out and tell you what to look for!


A good woman...


1. Loves God more than she loves you.
Most men want to be the "king" of their castles, right? Well, act like one and you will be treated like one (haha!). That's another post, another time...Anyway, the true King of her life should be the Lord. A woman who loves God will communicate differently, will argue differently, will love you differently, compared to a woman who does not have that relationship. She will pray FOR you and WITH you (it's hard being a man...you do know you need prayer, right?). She will esteem you above other men, she will not cheat on you or lie to you...WHY? Because her commitment is to God first and she would never treat you in a way that would dishonor Him. Disappointing God would hurt her far more than disappointing you ever could. This doesn't mean that she is perfect. Of course, she WILL make mistakes but best believe when she does, the Lord is checking her and she will come to you and admit her shortcomings.

2. Doesn't care how much money you have/don't have.
If you're honest with yourself, a few extra dollars in your bank account would make you pretty freakin' happy, but when a woman really loves you, she doesn't care how much money you have. Does this mean you don't have to work and can be a broke down couch potato who watches Maury all day while she is on her grind? NO! But it does mean that if you are working hard everyday and taking care of yourself (or your family if you have one), she really is okay with that. You might not be able to take her on that Tahitian vacation just yet, but if your intentions are sincere, she will decorate a sandbox, fill a plastic pool with water and chill in the backyard...with you. :-)


3. Accepts your children.
**Now, if you cheated and made children outside of the relationship, this one is not for you. Furthermore, if you did that, and put your woman in a position to accept your child, aka your infidelity, you SUCK.** Anyway, if you came to the relationship with children and she made the decision to be with you, she SHOULD accept your children as a part of you. Accept doesn't mean "tolerate" either. It means that she has a genuine desire to integrate your children into your relationship. After all, how can she not care about someone who is an extension of you, the man she claims to like/love? It doesn't matter how old they are, what they look like, none of that matters. And if you get married...she should see "your" children as her children. Any woman who has a problem with that, is not the one.

4. Offers to pay.
Women love to be pampered and it feels good to be with a man who can take care of business; however, she should offer to pay every now and then. I don't know too many men whose egos would be shattered if a woman pulled out her wallet and tossed a few 20s onto the table for a meal; in fact, I think many of you would be extremely PLEASED to have the woman you like/love offer to pay. It's 2010. Many women are earning more than men and let's face it, dating can be expensive. If she offers to and enjoys paying, she is a good chick! ;-)


5. Respects your manhood.
I heard somewhere that the number 1 thing men feel is lacking in their relationships isn't sex...it's respect. WOW. That says a lot. I've seen women cuss out, degrade, and humiliate their men. If you're a woman who does this, I must say, you have a problem. Which brings me back to #1 on this list...the Bible tells wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). IF she is honoring God's Word, she will respect you. This doesn't mean she has to agree with everything you say and it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to boss her around like she is a child. But she will see you as the leader of your household and will weigh heavily the things you say. When a woman respects you, she trusts your judgment and allows you to make decisions that best benefit the relationship or the family. HOWEVER, I would be doing a disservice to the women if I didn't say this: it is hard to respect a brother who is triflin'. It is hard to respect a man who refuses to work. A man who lies. A man who doesn't respect her. A man who doesn't love her. A man who drinks too much, smokes too much and acts like an idiot. A man who is weak and indecisive. It is hard to respect a dude who comes home at 3 a.m. reeking of hoochie. Please, please, please be a respectable man.

6. Supports your dreams.
Do you feel comfortable sharing your dreams with your woman? Does she boost you? Make you feel like you can do anything? Offer to help you make moves in the direction of your goals or does she belittle everything you say? A good woman wants you to be the best man you can be. Your success will not make her feel insecure. She will listen to and do her best to support your vision. If you feel you have a good woman, tell her your dreams. Include her in that vision; don't isolate her or make her feel as though she does not have a place in this bright future you are planning.

7. Is honest with you.
This trait goes hand in hand with #s 5-6. A woman can respect your manhood and still be honest with you. If a decision you are making is not in your best interest, her best interest or in your family's best interest, I hope you'd want to know. If your dreams include you draining the savings account to invest in a business that will be a financial disaster, she can't support that and she has to tell you the truth. If what you dream is a little unrealistic, you want a woman who can tell you that - with love of course. Don't get bent out of shape when she vetoes something you are revved up to do. If you are 40 years old and are thinking about starting a career playing for the Ravens maybe you want her to say, "Umm...baby, that just might not be the best plan..."

8. Encourages you to be “more” but still accepts you for who you are.
Everyone wants to be accepted "as is" and the woman who loves you will do that. She will accept that you can't spell to save your life or that you may be a little challenged in the fashion department. If she decided to be with you, she shouldn't be trying to change you. That being said, she may see more for you than you see for yourself and when your woman loves you, she may try to propel you in the right direction. Her words may give you the encouragement you need to swallow fears that have prevented you from achieving a goal. Soooo, she accepts you but she never stops believing in you and motivating you to go the distance.


9. Is down for whatever.
Have you ever been with someone who never wanted to do ANYTHING?! Ughhhhhhh. Well, a good woman will ride out this thing called life with you. Office party/function? She's there. Looking for a car and need her opinion? She's sitting next to you on the test drive. Just want to sit in the garage in the new car and pop open a beer to celebrate? She's making the toast. Dinner with your crazy family? She's down. You get a 1 a.m. craving for IHOP and want her to eat pancakes with you? She's passing you the syrup. I'm not saying she will be a punk or a pushover and I'm definitely not saying you should be looking for her to do anything immoral or illegal with you, but the simple, fun, great things that make couplehood so spectacular, she will WANT to do with you. If she doesn't, send her on her way.
"All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend...down to ride 'til the very end, is me and my boyfriend..."

10. Appreciates the little things and respects the effort.
A good woman doesn't care that you burned the chicken wings you tried to make for dinner. Just the fact that you thought about it, went to the grocery store, came home and did your thing makes her glad! One sincere rose is just as good as 2 dozen and a card that says "I love you" may get you more play than a dinner at her favorite restaurant. If you put the effort into the relationship, she WILL appreciate it. If she doesn't, she doesn't appreciate you and you need to move on.

11. Will recognize a good man.



Are YOU a good man?

Hmmm...stay tuned for that list!!! :-)


xoxo,

Alonna

SHE'S just not that into YOU! [Advice for the men :-)]

A friend of mine--we'll call her "Jane"--went out with a guy for awhile. She thought he was cool and they always had a decent time together but she knew BEFORE Date 1 that he had no chance of becoming her Boo. She never told him this, though, thinking that her feelings (or lack thereof) were implied...until he kissed her unexpectedly during one of their dates.

"Whyyyyyy would he kiss me?" Jane whined to me later. "I never gave him any indication that I was feelin' him like that! It was never like that!"

I could definitely sympathize with my friend, having experienced similar situations in the past. For several days I wondered why would a guy kiss a girl who has given no signs (as far as she can tell) that she "likes likes" him? Are men clueless when it comes to reading women's vibes?

The book/movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was supposedly a big deal because FINALLY women were being given tools to get IT - you know, get it into our heads that we needed to pay attention to the signs that a man didn't want us...but what about all of the women who don't want the men who are after them? Don't the men need to know as well?

Soooo...I'm writing this post for all of the men out there who are wondering, "Is she into me?" If you have to ask, the answer is NO...so take heed to what I'm about to say and save yourself the trouble!


1. If she's not contacting you, she's just not that into you. Once we decide we like you AND feel comfortable with our decision to like you, we will call, text, and/or email you. If you only talk to her when you initiate contact, it's really not like that.

2. If she doesn't invite you to hang out with her friends, she's just not that into you. We love showing off a great guy to our girls (assuming that none of them are man-stealers). If you have been out more than 3 times and she has NEVER mentioned you meeting her friends, she's just not that into you.

3. If she only agrees to hang out in group settings, she just not that into you. Hanging out with a crew is usually a great time, but if she never wants to be alone with you, it's for a reason...she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea.

4. If the two of you only hang out when YOU initiate the plan, she's just not that into you. Like I said in #1, once we feel comfortable liking you, we will start putting ourselves out there; this includes initiating outings. If she never calls you to hang out, you're not the one, hon.

5. If she doesn't touch you or try to be close to you, she's just not that into you. Most women enjoy affection. We want to "invade" your space. We really do :-). Does she put her hand on yours when she laughs? Does she ask you to sit NEXT to her in the booth at the restaurant? If you're at the bar, is her stool touching yours? OR is there a gap the size of the Pacific Ocean between you? If you answered NO to the first 3 questions and YES to the last, sorry, you're just a friend/acquaintance/hang out buddy.

6. If she doesn't lean in, flashing that "kiss me" green light, she's just not that into you. The anticipation of the first kiss is soooo exciting no matter how old you are! We might not initiate the first kiss but we will definitely show you that we want you to start something up. She's not doing that? Umm...she's not feelin' you.

7. If she points out other available women when you're together, she's just not that into you. Even the most confident of us don't really want you looking at other women. But if she's actually TELLING you to look at that woman's booty, or offering to get Ms. Booty's number for you, you are just a friend, sugar pie.

8. If she gets buzzed/tipsy/drunk and STILL doesn't touch you, she's just not that into you. Face it, most of us get a little "extra" once the vino hits our veins, but if she's tossed back 3 glasses of Pinot Grigio and doesn't so much as hold your hand, it's not personal...she just doesn't see you "that way".

9. If she keeps the conversations brief, she's just not that into you. Most of us can t-a-l-k! We want to share information about our day, our job, our family, our friends, whatever! But if your conversations are averaging 4-5 minutes on a good day, she doesn't really want to talk to you.

10. If she never answers the phone when you call ("Oh, sorry I 'missed' your call!") she's just not that into you. When we are into a guy, we are ATTACHED to our phones - waiting, wondering, hoping you'll call, text...do something bamma!!! Lol. She NEVER answers the phone? She's screening. She may even be hitting "ignore" and sending you right to voice mail because she doesn't want to talk to you.

11. If you ask her how she feels about you, and she describes you as "cool" or "nice", she's just not that into you. Women usually have no problem expressing emotions. If she can't clearly articulate her feelings or why she likes you, it's because she doesn't.

12. If you ask what she's doing, she tells you, then she finds out you're going and changes her plan at the last minute, she's just not that into you. I'm laughing as I type this...she doesn't want to hang out with you sweetie.

13. If you only know surface, trivial things about her, she's just not that into you. Think long and hard. Are you getting to know her heart and soul or do you just know the basics - what she does for a living, her last name (maybe - LOL),etc? If she's not calling you or answering your calls regularly, you probably know very little about this woman...and it's for a reason!


Listen, I know that the male ego is fragile. We really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, especially if you are a "nice" (LOL) guy, but you need to pay attention to her behavior and how she's responding to your advances and please, please, please don't touch or kiss a woman until you KNOW that she IS into you! :-)

Jane is STILL traumatized.

Happy hunting,

A


**Shout out to Kezia, Melee, and Jai for helping with these tips!!! xoxo