Cut him!

Women are nurturers. We instinctively desire to cultivate something and watch it grow - especially our relationships.

This is why, even when the writing is on the wall, telling us to leave a dude where he is standing, we linger and hover and wait...hoping that if we keep watering, fertilizing, and yanking out the weeds, a beautiful flower will blossom.

Sometimes you just need to pull everything up and start over.

Cut him if...

1. He lies to you.
This one goes without saying. If you can't trust the man, there really is no reason to stick around. I'm not just talking about suspicions - although those are signs too - I mean, you have flat out caught him in a lie. He said he was taking care of his sick momma, but you found out he went to the strip club with his boys. He told you he was working late but you ran into him at Happy Hour with some thirsty-looking woman from his job. It doesn't matter why he's lying, all that matters is you can't have a relationship with someone whose definition of honesty is, "Whatever she doesn't know, won't hurt her."

2. He lies to other people.
A while ago, when an ex was trying to get back into my good graces, he took me to breakfast, paid for the meal, then saved the receipt so he could write it off as a business expense for his job. RED FLAG! MAN DOWN! Lying about a $30 meal showed a lack of integrity and proved that he was not the one.  If he fibs to his job, his family, his friends, or whomever, please believe that it will be no time before he is lying to YOU (reread #1). That was the last time he ever saw me again.

3. He has baby mama drama.
Unresolved issues with the mother/s of his child/ren WILL affect your life. Trying to take care of babies you did not birth is difficult enough as it is, why add to the stress? I don't care how "good" he is to you, if every conversation he has with the BM turns into World War III you need to let him go.

4. He is inconsistent.
On Monday, Boo Boo is all about you. Whenever your cell vibrates, it's Boo with another syrupy-sweet text, email or call. He even dials you up just to say "good night". Awww. It's precious. On Tuesday, the texts are sweet, but not as delicious as Monday's trip to the candy store. Wednesday is sprinkled with boring, distracted small talk and Thursday looks like this: one text, a chain letter email forward, and a two-minute call. Friday seems promising because he says that he wants to see you and although you're irritated, you agree, giving the benefit of the doubt. Well, the weekend comes and goes and homeboy appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth. He hasn't contacted you, nor is he returning your texts or calls. You get a lame apology the following Tuesday--via text, no less, then don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks. Just when you decide to delete that joker from your address book and your memory bank, he's comes baaaaack. Like a poltergeist.

A man like this usually has unfinished business in the background. His interaction with you depends on how frequently or infrequently the other woman is letting him run the same tired game on her.

Cut. Delete. Unfriend.

5. He never answers the phone.
You call, he doesn't answer, then hours later he calls you back.

Every? Single? Time?

Cut.


The bottom line is this: 1+1 is and always will equal 2. If his words and actions don't add up; if you don't feel at peace; if you have to coerce yourself into making something "fit", then it's not working and you need to move on.

We all have loved and lost but one thing we need to stop wasting is time.

Cut that zero and get with a hero. Lol.

XO,
Alonna

The Don'ts of Dating

We've all learned about relationships through trial and error but some mistakes we should just stop making if we want to keep our sanity. I don't know everything but I did learn some things throughout my 18 years of dating!

1. Don't limit yourself. The saying "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket" is one that all single women must heed.  Until you both make the decision to be exclusive, keep seeing other men! It's perfectly okay to leave your options open until you are committed to one. You don't have to lie or sneak around either. If one of your boos asks, tell him that you are behaving as a single woman until you find the right man. If his ego can't handle it and he walks, oh well...there are more fish in the sea!

2. Don't have sex! Some of you are rolling your eyes but YES, sex is the number one downfall of women. Let's keep it real, we have a lot of power until we drop the drawers. After the "do' is done, a switch is flipped and we become completely different creatures (especially if it was good!). I don't care how liberated some of us claim to be, we can't fight biology. Oxytocin, that bonding hormone that is released during an orgasm, now has you thinking that deadbeat Craig, who was supposed to be a booty call/"friend", could be your potential husband. He doesn't even have a job so you know you are trippin. Besides, it really, really isn't cute to sleep with a bunch of men - check the STD stats. And if you're a Christian...you already know the Lord is not pleased. Keep your legs closed. 

3. Don't bring up commitment. Like I said in my Brainwashed post, it is a myth that men are confused and don't know what they want. If a man behaves otherwise, it's because he doesn't want you. Plain and simple. Nagging him about the "future" is only going to turn him off or make him feel pressured - which men hate. This is why you are following tip #1 - you want your heart and your thoughts to be as light as possible, for as long as possible. Set a deadline in your head (DON'T tell him). If he hasn't brought up monogamy in a reasonable amount of time (1-2 months), it's because he's not interested in it. If that's what you want, move on. Whatever you do, don't sit around waiting for a man to "come to his senses".

4. Don't bring up marriage. Do I need to say more? Look, it's perfectly okay to want to be some man's wife and if you want to mention that in a general conversation, that's fine. But don't go on one or two good dates and expect him to feel the same way. When a man wants to marry you, you will know. How will you know? He will tell you and then he (believe it or not) will set that ball in motion.

5. Don't say "I love you".  I've heard that men fall in love first, women fall in love hardest. Who knows? Scientists spend money on useless studies that really don't prove much about anything. All I know is that every time I said it first, the relationship eventually ended. Lol. For REAL!  My husband was the first and only man to utter those words before I did.  It's different for every couple, but for me, in my spirit, that was one reason why I knew he was The One. Even if you are soooo sure you are feeling it and the words are oozing from your soul, wait until he goes home -- then you can shout it as much as you want, as you dance around your house. Just don't let him hear you. :-)

Dating is hard enough as it is. Don't make it more complicated by setting yourself up for heartache and failure unnecessarily. Repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results is insanity, right?

XOXO,
Alonna

Calm Down

My husband says that I gave him a hard time when he first pursued me. I don't quite remember it that way but if I did...

It must not have been too bad because he was ready to put a ring on it 6 months after we met. :-)

I will admit that I was relatively calm, cool and collected in the beginning. I didn't relinquish my guard this time until I knew that my heart was safe.

And I would not change a thing!

Women get too excited, too fast about a lot of nothing.

We gas ourselves up when men do the most basic things instead of expecting to be treated well. Then, we jump the gun instead of letting the relationship run its natural course - which sometimes means letting it run right on out the door. This is how we end up hurt, analyzing every, little behavior wondering, Oh my gosh! What does this mean...? when sometimes "this" means absolutely nothing.

For example...

"He takes me out."
Any man with a decent job can take you to dinner and a movie (although the latter does cost a grip these days). Men already know that they may have to spend a little to get a little, so while the candlelit tacos may send you over the moon, his feet are still firmly planted on the ground. Yes, dinner is nice. So is breakfast and lunch but it doesn't mean he wants to be your man or that he isn't eating a meal or two with somebody else. Say gracias for the tacos but don't starting choosing bridesmaids yet. 

"He gives me flowers."
They sell flowers on the side of the road. While it's a nice gesture and could mean that he was genuinely thinking about you, it doesn't mean THAT much. It is romantic but breathe. Express your gratitude, put 'em in water and relax.

"He wants to go away with me." 
Have you ever had vacation sex? It's totally awesome. Who doesn't like to get away from it all?  If his pockets are thick or if he just got his tax refund, he may even pay your way, but that doesn't mean homeboy wants to be your man. It could just mean that he thinks he can have some out-of-town fun with you. Traveling with a man can be a big step, so choose wisely before you get on the road or in the air. And please don't sleep with the guy just because he paid for your plane ticket to the Bahamas.

"He brings me around his family and friends."
For some men this is a huge step, for others it doesn't mean a thing. I've seen men bring women in and out of their circle without batting an eye. Meeting Momma and 'em doesn't mean that he's preparing to propose. If you really want to know the deal, find one of his boys with loose lips and ask when was the last time boo boo brought a woman around - he may tell you that it was just yesterday.

"He says that he can see a future with me." 
For some men "the future" could mean the next day or the end of the week. They can spot a hungry woman right away and know when you're feeling vulnerable or desperate. If a man knows that it takes a commitment to get you, then he'll say what you want to hear - whether he means it or not. If he's already talking about "the future" before he even knows you, then he's running game.

I didn't write this post to be a Debbie Downer. I'm not advising women to eye every guy suspiciously, never having fun or cracking a smile. BUT don't get too excited, too soon and don't read more into a situation than you should. Until you've had sufficient time to gauge a man's character and until you've both made decisions about what you would like from each other, take every action with a grain of salt.

He may be sweet and nice and all may be lovely but for real...calm down.

Love openly but wisely,
Alonna

Let Him Lead

I want to start this post by saying that I think relationships should be 100/100, not "50/50" as the saying goes.

You're either all in, or you're not in at all.

With that being said, experience has taught me that the man needs to first demonstrate that he is all in if the relationship is actually going to go somewhere.

The "typical" woman has been dreaming about her wedding day since puberty.  The venue, the dress, the shoes, the rings...the picture is vividly painted in her mind.

The "typical" man is different. He won't genuinely start thinking about marriage until he's been around the block a few times to see for himself that the "grass" pretty much looks the same in every neighborhood.

Or until all of his boys are married. 

Men don't fantasize about their tuxes or about how much their diamonds will sparkle in the light. But they do imagine how their home cooked meals will taste and how many times they will get laid each week.

Mars and Venus indeed.

Because of these differences, I always advise women to hold their cards close for as long as they can. I don't mean that we should be nasty or aloof and distant, but don't jump out the window, giving everything you have (as we naturally do) until you see that the man you care about is standing on that ledge next to you.

In the beginning, he should be initiating the date requests and the majority of the phone calls.

He should be the first to bring up exclusivity and commitment.

He should be first to say, "I want you to meet my mother..." (or father, auntie, Big Mama, whoever!)

Women are always ready to do these things. We YEARN to do these things. But to do so before a guy has proven that he is capable of giving you what you want is emotional suicide.

Steve Harvey said something to women has stuck in my head: "Only give what you get, until you are getting what you want..."

Don't make excuses or extend undeserved grace to a man who is falling short. "If I give it some more time, he'll come around..." Women who think that men need more time to express their emotions have been bamboozled. 

The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22). The man should be finding the woman, not the other way around. It's in their DNA to pursue. Like Usher sang, he should be looking for you "in the daytime with a flashlight".

When a man is ready, he will not play games. He will not lie or mislead. He will not keep his distance. He will not avoid conversations about marriage and family. In fact, he will initiate those conversations. His heart will be open--wide open.

Unfortunately by this time, he has also probably hurt and/or passed up at least five other great potentials, but the fact is, he just wasn't ready for any of them.

Many women have experienced this. We date a man for years, invest mucho time, hoping that it's going somewhere, but the relationship ends.  Then BAM! in a year or less we hear that homeboy has married someone else.

Cue the music for Vesta's "Congratulations".  Makes you wanna holler, doesn't it?

Don't holler for too long though. He's not "yours" if he ends up with someone else. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry, settle down, pop out some babies and live happily ever after. But do it with someone who wants to do it too. Clubbing someone over the head and dragging him down the aisle will hurt everyone involved. Nagging, whining and hanging on until he "comes around" will only hurt YOU.

Let him lead.

XOXO,
Alonna

You Don't Need "Closure"

The first thing Mary Harvey says in Part One of her tell-all video about ex-husband Steve Harvey is that she needs "closure".

I don't know much about their issues, nor do I care, but the minute she used that word, I instantly decided that her motives were unhealthy.

She aired all of their business, too much of their business.

All in the name of closure.

What is closure? For a woman, closure is getting answers or "peace of mind" after a relationship ends. We especially want closure after our feelings have been hurt for "no reason" or when we weren't ready for the relationship to end. We are pissed off and broken and want to know WHY?!

A few weeks ago I was thinking about a guy I dated last year. I thought we were creating something lovely, then it all went down hill. The demise of our relationship didn't cause me to lose sleep; it didn't even make me cry but I was upset because some things had occurred that I didn't understand and I wanted an explanation.

He never gave me one.

When I sat here thinking that I didn't get any "closure", I instantly had to check myself.

It's human nature to ask questions. Some of the best discoveries started as a"Why?"

But sometimes there are no answers to our questions.

Sometimes it just is.

And we have to accept that.

Calling and texting and emailing someone in an effort to learn the reasons behind his actions only hurts you. You will never get the answers you are seeking, which will lead to further pain or anger.

The best thing to do is to let it go.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter "why". All that matters is that the relationship is over for a reason and it is time for you to move on with your life.

If he cheated on you, is there really anything he can say to make you feel "better"?

If he hit you, what justifications are you seeking?

If he stopped calling, stopped asking to see you, stopped taking your calls, isn't that enough?

Why hold yourself in limbo, trying to decode all of the possible reasons why someone hurt or left you? The fact of the matter is, he did and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

I had to stop racking my brain over the "Whys?" at the end of every relationship. I was worrying myself to death trying to understand what was not meant for me to understand. Each time, I had to say to myself "It is what it is," and that's when I was able to release the pain and move forward blissfully with my life.

As a Christian, I truly believe in Romans 8:28, which states, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (NKJV)

There's your closure right there.

--Alonna

Grow Up

I have a question for men over 30 who are still flying solo:

Why are you single?

Without hesitation some of you will blame your exes:

"She was crazy."

"She was pressuring me to get married."

"She didn't understand me at all."

A few will shrug and mumble, "I'm not ready to settle down".

A handful will say something that makes sense.

And others will have no comment.

Riiiiight.

A lot of men have convinced themselves that they are "selective". These men are always ready to recite the list of qualities they want in a wife and will complain that it's hard to find someone who meets their standards.

I'm not saying that marriage should be on every man's "To Do" list, 'cause let's face it...some wouldn't even be good at it.

BUT...

If you don't want to commit, don't say that you do.

And if you don't want to commit, don't have sex with her.

And if you don't want to commit, don't procreate with her...

But if you do...and you "love" her...why haven't you wifed her?

You know...get the license, go to the courthouse, the church, Vegas...wherever...and get married, "put a ring on it", make her your wife.

Not "wifey".

Ugh. I hate that word.

It irks me when men drag out relationships they don't want in order to use women for sex or money or as a distraction from their personal issues.

But men are not all to blame.

I wish that women made wiser choices. We have intuition and instincts that we tend to ignore.

We linger in relationships that don't fulfill us or that kill our spirits.

We know when a man is runnin' game, yet we keep hanging in there...hoping and wishing and praying...

Making excuses.

We believe it when they say things like, "All men cheat". We listen as they blame their penises, their equally weak friends, and society for why they can't be faithful or honest.

Men play with women's hearts and minds then wonder why their car windows are busted and their voice mails are filled with curses, tears and threats.

I think there'd be a lot less drama in relationships if men just said what they really wanted.

"I just want sex."

"I am only going to call you when my #1 can't hang out with me."

"I know you're a good woman, but I'm too immature to settle down right now and can't make a real commitment to you the way you deserve. I want to keep exploring my options because I really think the grass may be greener..."

Let the woman decide if she wants to deal with inconsistency, immaturity, insensitivity and foolishness.

But don't lie or tell half-truths or lead her on.

Speak up.

Man up.

Grow up.

The women of the world are waiting on you...

Alonna

Check your "list"

A few days ago, I read this status posted by a guy friend on facebook:

It's wild how some women can find plenty of excuses to hold onto a dude with so many negatives but can't find one reason to embrace one with so many positives. Then they want you to listen to them about how bad they were treated. Try listening to yourself as to why you accepted that person and rejected someone who was trying to show you better. You put yourself in that scenario.

Hmm...

Women say that it's hard to find "good" men.

This is true.

BUT...

We won't give the good ones a chance because they don't look or behave exactly the way we fantasized.

We want men who have IT together even when we don't have IT together.

We make excuses for the bad boys who mistreat us but are quick to dismiss the nice guys if they are "too" nice. These days nice = wack for some reason.

We want a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband...but don't want to compromise in the ways we should in order to maintain a healthy, adult relationship.

I know women who are knocking on 40, still making decisions based on the mentality of a 20 year old. They want money, clothes, cars, real estate...all on his dime. They won't even consider dating a guy who can't instantly upgrade their lifestyles.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be financially secure. And there's nothing wrong with desiring a mate who has a stable, substantial income.

BUT...

Before demanding all of this from a potential mate, shouldn't you be there or almost there as well? How can you desire a man with money in the bank when you have none? And why do you say "Oh, he should be able to take me on vacations," when you can't even take you on vacations?

Does the fact that he's a man automatically mean he should be ready to take over your responsibilities?

I'm shocked at the number of women who expect boyfriends or worse, just casual dates, to take on husband-like obligations.

Do you really think that your new man should be paying your bills, babysitting your children and giving you shopping money?

If the answer is yes, you are crazy.

Now, if he offers, because he cares about you, to alleviate the stress of an overdue cell phone or credit card payment, consider yourself blessed. But to expect or even demand such things from a man who is not your husband is ridiculous.

Some women can't wait to rattle off a long list of their "must haves" and before they even mention character and integrity, they are dissecting a man's looks, physique, money, job and earning potential.

If he can pay all of your bills until the day you leave this Earth does that mean he will treat you well?

No.

If he drives a Lambo during the week and a Ferrari on the weekends does that mean he is serving the God who has instructed him to love you the way Christ loved the church, and "gave himself up for her"? (Ephesians 5:25)

Nope.

Right before I met my fiance, I was interested in a guy who seemed so "exciting". He travels the world for his career, earns decent money and knows how to have fun with it. He's a cool person, and even though he acted interested, he wasn't consistent. As a result, my feelings started getting hurt when he didn't follow through on things that he said.

Five or ten years ago I would've waited a little longer, hoping that he'd step up and show me something genuine, but the 32 year old me saw the signs, pulled myself out of the situation and moved on. No harm, no foul, but also no chance with me.

If he wasn't going to cherish me the way I deserve to be cherished, I had to keep it moving.

I'm glad I made that decision because I was ready when the love of my life came calling.

Good looks, money, swag (or whatever you wanna call it) are factors to consider when choosing a mate and one should never settle for less than what she wants. But when you're looking for a life partner, don't curl your lip up at a man just because he lives in a studio apartment or takes the bus to work or doesn't earn six figures.

That "regular" guy may treat you like a queen.

You never know where the Lord plans to take the two of you together. But if you keep the superficial qualities at the top of your list, you may find yourself alone or hooked up with someone who can't do anything for you...except pay your car note.

And at the end of the day, it's just not worth it.

Check your "list"! :-)

-Alonna

He's For Real (this post is for the ladies)

I love being a woman.

But sometimes we let our emotions and our over-analytical minds get the best of us.

We constantly dissect men's actions and words. Twisting and turning and spinning them upside down, trying to make sense out of those things which are obvious.

A woman will make all kinds of excuses for a man she likes. We will read too much into everything, looking for deep, soulful meanings instead of accepting a situation for what it is.

I'm finding that men are very easy to read. And the good ones are even easier because they don't lie or lead us on. :-)

I've been thinking a lot about New Boo, comparing him to others from my past. So far, he stands out in a lot of ways from all of them.

I think he's for real.

But how do you know?

1) He doesn't play games. Mature men know what they want. When a man likes you, he's going to act like it...pretty much from the jump. He won't purposely ignore your calls in an effort to keep you thirsty or to not seem too pressed. He won't try to ignite your interest by talking about all of the other women who want his mind, body and soul. If he wants you, he's not going to do anything that may push you away.

2) He tells you how he feels and what he wants AND it doesn't change daily.
Aretha sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I want to write a song about C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y. Any man can tell you that he cares about you and desires a future with you. The man who is for real feels this way everyday. Oh yeah, and he acts like it.

3) He does what he says he's going to do. Inconsistent men (see #2) don't keep their word. Don't make excuses when he says he's going to call you back, then doesn't; makes plans, then breaks them; gets you excited about going out or on vacation and then doesn't follow through. Chuck up the deuces to bammas like this!

4) He wants to spend as much time with you as he can. Don't confuse this one with a man who is possessive, though. When a man is for real, he WANTS to be around you. He is not going to constantly choose a night out with the guys or an evening with Madden 11 over you! If he is cool with going days and days and days without seeing you, he's not that serious. You can keep telling yourself that he's busy or works hard or has to spend time with his children or his family, but all you're doing is kidding yourself. People make time for the things they want.

5) He makes plans. I was in a relationship with a man for five years and we never took one vacation together. No, going to visit his family in Lewisberg, NC does not count. He never took the time to plan an evening or a weekend or a holiday and that bothered me a lot. It is one of the many reasons we aren't together anymore - he was so lackadaisical about our relationship. Women are often the planners. We like paying attention to details and doing the research to find a new restaurant or vacation spot. I get that; I'm okay with that. BUT every now and then, the man needs to do something. If he doesn't, you may want to inquire...

6) He wants everyone to know about you - including other women. Friends don't know that you exist? Stutters and can't get your name out of his mouth when other women are around? Blows his top when you write on his Facebook wall, "Hey baby, have a great day!"? Ditch him.

7) He wants to talk to you, learn you, know you and remembers the things you say. You love Mexican with extra guacamole? He knows. Red velvet cupcakes? He bought some for your birthday. The argument you had with your Mom? He wants to know if you're okay. The co-worker who gets on your last nerve? She gets on his nerves too and he's never even met her. He knows your siblings' and friends' names, your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite wine. Your conversations are give and take...not all about him. He enjoys learning what makes you, YOU!

Listen, it's okay if a man isn't into you...everything ain't for everybody. And the sooner you know that he's not your match, the sooner the right one can make his way towards you.

But don't waste your time making excuses!

Wait for the real deal,

Alonna

"A Fair Shake"

"I'ma need you to have some faith," he said to me.

Faith.

Although it is a noun, that word definitely feels like a VERB at times since it requires you to DO so much. Like step out there. Put your fears aside. And trust.

New boo has been in my life for a few months. We aren't official yet but things are good.

He says the right things, does the right things and I haven't had to raise my eyebrow or give him the side eye about anything.

Yet.

I say "yet" because I've been there, done that...got the t-shirt, the key chain and the hat.

The last guy I liked wanted me to relocate to NC to be with him. Two months in, he was talking about marriage and babies.

I should've known better.

He seemed sincere. Didn't appear to be the type to run game. Went on and on for months about how much he cared for me and how he had never felt so strongly about a woman so quickly...etc., etc., etc...

All of that yakkety yak and he wasn't over his ex.

There I was spending my hard earned MONEY and my priceless TIME flying back and forth to see him and he was mailing her romantic birthday cards and doing God only knows what else. Ain't that some bull*&%$....?

Got his spot blown up on Facebook, of all places.

Smh.

I'm relieved that I found out sooner than later that he was fluent in two languages - English and LIE.

But I can't pretend I'm not human. There were feelings involved and it stung.

Did I mention that I hate to fly?

Can I send that bamma a bill?

Lately my story seems to be: Meet a guy, let down my guard, he does something ridiculous, I roll, and the recovery process begins.

After this last attempt ended so badly, I started wondering if my relationship failures are my fault. I've been wondering if I am choosing the wrong men...

Soooo...I'm being extremely cautious this time.

Words mean nothing anymore. Actions win all. Consistent actions. No exceptions.

New boo is worried that I can't give him "a fair shake" (his words) because of my past. It's not that I want to penalize him for the mistakes of others...I just don't want to give my heart or waste my time on any more undeserving men.

I'm too old for the endless fighting, the games, the lies, the half-truths, the omissions, the confusion, and the back and forth.

And I'm too old and too Christian to bust out the windows of a man's car because he lacks the "act right" to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

There is no way of knowing what will happen between two people in a relationship. It is impossible to predict another person's actions and the only one you can control is you. You go in optimistic and open to the possibilities but you keep your eyes wide open.

You don't rush commitment before you or your potential partner are ready.

You don't negotiate your non-negotiables.

And you never ignore the signs and your intuition.

New boo is getting the fair shake he's asking for...I am slowly opening up but I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and blur my vision of what's reality and what's fantasy. One thing I've tried to get him to understand is that I have learned from my mistakes and I refuse to repeat them.

It's not personal.

It's not being defensive or cold or putting up walls.

It's using wisdom.
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment." (New Living Translation, Proverbs 4:7)

And if he is on the up and up...we will be good.

And if not...well, I will add his name to the history book.

I'm still giving love a chance but I'm certainly not opposed to kicking anyone to the curb with the quickness...

Alonna
:-)

"Done" With Black Men...? NEVER!

Not too long ago, one of my friends declared on his facebook page that he was "done with sistas".

Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.

When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.

I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.

*Sigh.*

Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.

Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.

Others are "done".

Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.

Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.

But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."

LOL.

I'm not addressing any of those things...today.

But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:

I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.

I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.

My father is black.

My stepfather is black.

My stepbrothers are black.

My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.

Guy friends...they're black too.

Obviously, I've had experience with black men.

It hasn't been all pretty.

In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.

Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.

Such is love and life, though.

God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).

I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.

I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)

Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:

My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)

A black man.

My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.

A black man.

Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.

Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.

They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.

They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.

Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.

Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.

Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.

A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.

Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.

A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.

Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.

A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.

A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.

Black men have wined and dined me.

Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)

Black men have prayed with me and for me.

A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.

Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.

They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.

They've shown me how to have fun.

They are not perfect.

They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.

...But doesn't everyone do these things?

They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.

They handle their business and take care of their families.

They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.

They smell so good.

They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.

For me, the good far outweighs the bad.

I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...

I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.

To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?

I love me. :-)

And I love black men.

XOXO,

Alonna

Do People DATE Anymore?

I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.

I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".

Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.

I'm over it.

I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.

Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".

Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.

I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.

When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"

*BLANK STARE*

The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?

Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.

He said he was fine with that...

I don't know what's going to happen there.

Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.

I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."

A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.

Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.

Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...

Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?

I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.

Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.

Do people DATE anymore?

I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.

Is it really worth all of that?

I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.

Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.

Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.

Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.

Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.

But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.

And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.

You sound L-O-C-O.

And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.

Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...

Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!

And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.

If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.

If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.

Just date.

And date.

And date.

And date...

Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)

Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.

And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...

Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.


All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna

The Negotiables

I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.

I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."

Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.

No one is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.

Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.

So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.

First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.

Now, on to the negotiables...

Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...

In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.

It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.

It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.

Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)

It's okay if he's the same height as you.

It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.

It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.

That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.

Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?

Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:

1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.

You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.

People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.

Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.

Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.

Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."

I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?

What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?

What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?

What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?

Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?

I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.

Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?

Nuff said.

Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.

Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.

I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."

Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.

But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.

Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.

Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)

If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.

I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.


Love and Happiness!

Alonna

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

What Women Want

"What do women want?" Chris Rock asked. "Everything! Women act like life is a big sale: 'I want to get the most s--t before things close down!' "

Chris Rock is a funny dude.

MEN!

Are you ready?

Can you even handle it?

And what will you do with this information once you've been enlightened!?

I asked single, divorced, and happily married women, some with children and some without, from their late twenties to 40 y.o. what they want in a man/relationship and they didn't hold back a thing!!

Soooo...what do women want?

I think this is a question that most, if not all, straight men would like answered. Women are often labeled as emotional, complex, and complicated creatures...and on many levels we are. Men often claim to be "simple" and "easy to please" and maybe in some ways they are but I think men will find that no, women don't want "everything", and yeah, actually we do know what we want.

I hope you're taking notes, guys. ;-)


Women want honesty.
This a trait that every single woman listed. Most of them said this is THE most or second most important thing they need from a man. You would think that this would be a given in any relationship, but sadly it is not. I think I speak for every woman who has been lied to or cheated on when I say: once you damage trust, she will NEVER look at you the same. DO NOT LIE. It's not worth it.
Side note: This does not apply to all situations. For example, if your girlfriend/wife gains 10 pounds, saying, "Wowww, you got fat!" is NOT acceptable. There's a difference between being honest and being rude or mean.

Women want respect.
Yep. Just like men. Let me tell you what disrespect looks like, for those of you who may be unsure:
1. Putting your hands on us
2. Cursing at us
3. Insulting us/name calling (especially in front of others)
4. Cheating
5. Lying
6. Telling us what we can or can't do like we are your daughters

Furthermore, there is nothing worse than feeling disrespected, calling your man on it and having him diminish it by calling you "sensitive" or emotional". What if the women did that to you, men?

R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Women want communication/openness.
Talented, beautiful, educated...we may be all of these things and more, but mind readers we are not. If something is bothering you, SAY IT! "Every time there is something wrong, we don't want to drag it out of them," Ty said. Poor communication RUINS relationships. When women are continuously shut out and pushed away, we begin to feel resentful and withdrawn. Okay, yes, you may be a "manly man" and we know that a lot of you were not raised to express your feelings, but check that caveman pride at the door and TALK to us. Almost every woman said this, guys.

Women want to feel appreciated.
"We don't mind stroking our man's ego, but sometimes we want ours stroked," Lolyta shared. And don't forget about the little things...we should not have to drop hints about how nice it was that our girlfriend or our coworker received flowers or a card from her man. Cards are $0.50 each at the Dollar Tree. Not one with the words? Writing a simple, "I love you" or "You da bomb, boo" will suffice.

I was in a long term relationship with an extremely critical person. Every time I did something for him, he always, always, always made a "suggestion" about what I could do better the next time. I honestly don't love cooking. I barely do it for myself but I will for someone who appreciates it and knows how to say "Thank you." This man made comments like, "Why did you put so much barbecue sauce on the chicken?" or "Why did you make the pancakes so small?" Petty stuff. And when I blew up, he just did...not...get...it. Eventually I didn't want to do ANYTHING anymore.

What if we said things like, "My ex had the tightest abs and he never climaxed in only 4 minutes when we made love. Would you like his number so you can get some tips?" Y'all would be HEATED.

I'm just sayin...

Women want to feel understood.
Try to put yourself in a woman's shoes. We are wives and mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and co-workers. Most of us work JUST LIKE YOU and some of us have VERY stressful careers. It's not all about you, all of the time. "We need for our men to appreciate all we do," Lolyta said. No, your woman does not want you to go hungry or wear dirty clothes or feel neglected but try to understand that on some days, Chinese will be on the dinner menu and there is a reason why she hasn't done the laundry yet. Although she may want to be domestic, "there is so much more to her than that." (Well said, Ty!) When you understand these things about your woman, you will pitch in to do what needs to be done in your household and not define roles as "only men" or "only women," Kezia said.
We also need men to understand that yes, we can be EMOTIONAL. Sometimes we are running only on emotions, but for real, men, don't you already know that? Accept it. Don't try to change us or make us think and feel the way you do because we probably won't a lot of the time. Ask us about our feelings...ask us about our day and LISTEN when we respond! Try to remember the things we say...pay attention to what we are wearing and compliment us. And oh yeah, PMS is real.

Women want a man who provides/is committed to/leads his family
Take care of your household! Take care of your children! A man should "not be comfortable with letting the woman be the sole provider," Brandi said. Tanika wants a man to have a stable income that will support the family. "My income should be optional," she stated. RaQeeba said she wants to feel secure.

I've known women who have worked TWO jobs while their husbands barely worked one. How any man could do that, I will never understand.

Women want sex.
Are you surprised? Contrary to stereotypes, women want sex just like men do. Yes, we like to get it in too. Umm, but don't get it twisted. A lot of us need to be emotionally stimulated before any type of affection jumps off. Soooo, ignoring our texts and phone calls all day, barely talking when you get home and then trying to cuddle up in bed later on is going to get you the cold shoulder, the grandma drawers and the 'do rag.

Don't believe me? This is real talk from the ladies:

"[I want] constant sex!"

"If I gotta lay beside you for the rest of my life...you'd better be putting it down!"

"[I want a] good and selfless lover."

"I wanted to put sex as #1 [on this list] but didn't want to look like a whore!"

"He has to be able to communicate verbally AND non-verbally!"

Women said these things, homies.

Think about it.


Other things they want:

• a spiritual leader
  
• spontaneity
• family-oriented
• "can cook more than Oodles of Noodles, " Malaika said.
  
• accepts and loves me unconditionally
  
• "bring out the best in me and make me want to be a better woman," SunShine said.
  
• diversity - "Not doing the same thing every Friday for 3 years," said Jai.
• fun
• loyalty
• sense of humor/personality
• ambition
  

A guy friend said to me, "Women and men want the same things, just at a different pace..." His words got me thinking: at the end of the day, women and men DO have differences, but are our desires and needs really that far off? God fashioned Adam in His image but He made Eve from Adam's rib.

I think Brandi said it best when she said, "Love me, care for me, be there for me."

For real though...that's all that women really want.

Speaking for the ladies,
Alonna


Shout out to Ty, SunShine, Kezia, Malaika, RaQeeba, Jai, Lolyta, Ami, Brandi, Angie, Tameka, Kyisha, and Tanika for being so open and real with your answers!! Love you!!

What Men Want

This post makes me :-).

I asked a group of men, ages 26-40, of various races, backgrounds and experiences to describe the top 5 things they want in a woman.

A few of them answered straight to the point: I want this, this, this, that and that. Others actually went into detail and explained why those things are important to them.

Some responses were funny. Others were surprising and thought-provoking.

By the time I finished reading and thinking about what they'd all said, I realized something: men want a lot more than us women give them credit for.

This "privileged" information is a summary of their responses and is being presented in no particular order! ;-)


Men want respect.
Almost all of them mentioned this one. A woman should respect a man, his family, his wants and needs and his position as "the man". Men want to know that they aren't going to be second guessed about everything. A woman should try to have faith in her man, even if he's "blown it." This means that if he loses the keys to the car, buys the wrong fabric softener or gets lost on the way to the family reunion, she won't scream on him and make him feel like he's 7 years old or worse, a moron. If a woman refrains from these behaviors, the next time he will "be even more likely to try to impress you," Mike said.

Men want to have fun.
"A sense of humor"
"An ability to laugh"
"Be carefree"
"Have fun"
"Be unpredictable"
This was something that a lot of them said!!

Men want companionship and support.
"I want my lady to be my friend," Jason said.
A man wants someone he can talk to and who won't judge him. She should be someone he can confide in. As a companion, a woman will also support him and his dreams, even if they are "unreachable." She should give, "basic, consistent support," Nate said.

Men want sex.
I found it interesting that not all of them stated this, but MOST of them did - HAHA- no surprise there! Some of them even said "incredible" or "great" sex. There were even a few expletives that I won't repeat. Lol. It is a BIIIIIG deal.

Men want a woman who is "domestic."
Cooking and cleaning...taking care of home...One went so far as to say that if a woman does neither well, the man will cheat...let's hope that ISN'T true!!!! :-(

Men want a woman who is independent.
A man doesn't want a woman who depends on him to do everything. She should also have her own identity outside of the relationship and understand that he sometimes needs space to do the things he likes to do that might not include her. Duane even commented that during the playoffs, "We love to look at you, but would rather not talk to you during that time." LOL! Allen said that a woman should "know how to take care of herself..."

Men want honesty, fidelity and loyalty.
"Even when the truth hurts..." Jason said. (Hmm, I wonder if all men can handle that...)

I'm assuming the rest means: don't cheat and have their backs when necessary.

Men want to be "a man."
Wayne says that the problem with men and women is that there is an arm wrestling version of "who wears the pants." Teddy says that he wants a woman who knows what it means to be submissive. Ramoan said he wants "to feel like the man (needed)." Allen talked about letting him be "the man".

Ok, we get it...they all want to be "da man"...I agree though. Read my post, "Why I will never propose to a man"!!! :-)

Other things they said:

• understanding
• personality
• heart
• spirituality
• "be with me for the right reasons"
• communication
• intellectual stimulation
• compliments
• common sense
  

One thing I definitely learned is that men are more complex than I thought. Like I said, a lot of them went deep on my question. And not all men are the same. Greg told me that a man's needs change with age and that the 20-somethings may want something totally different from the 30+ crowd.

My only question is: when a woman has these things...why do men leave/cheat/still keep their options open??

I hope some of you can explain that to us!

We want to understand you! Believe me!

Stay tuned for "What Women Want..." ;-)


**Much love to Blanchard, Jason, Wayne, Ramoan, Teddy, Mike S., Duane, Anthony, Allen, Nate, Greg, and Gene for your openness and honesty!!


Still trying to figure y'all bammas out,
Alonna

Why Bitterness is NOT an Option

Last week I was mad.

No, scratch that.

Last week I was PISSED off.

After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.

I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."

It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.

After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.

I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.

I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.

I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.

I've caught all of them in lies.

I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.

I am not perfect.

I have made a TON of mistakes.

I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.

You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."

I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.

I know how to apologize.

I am learning how to choose my battles.

I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.

My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.

I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.

I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.

I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...

I have seen horrible women marry great men.

I have seen horrible men marry great women.

I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.

I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.

And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.

No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.

But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.

Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.

But don't get me wrong...

I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.

And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.

But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!

I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!

Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.

It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.

I know I am.

But bitterness is not an option for me.

Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.

With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.

It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).

And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.

Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.



Keep the faith,

Alonna