The Walls

My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.

But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:

"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."

Like I said, I can relate.

Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.

I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.

Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.

Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.

I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.

I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.

Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.

We were giving too much too fast.

Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.

Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.

These days I have taken caution to the next level.

My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.

Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."

That's the bottom line for me.

I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.

I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.

A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.

Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?

Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.

His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?

I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."

Good.

When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.

Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.

My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.

No walls, just wisdom,

Alonna
xoxo

Why Rebounds Don't Work

Breakups.

They are a part of life.

They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.

They burn.

They hurt.

They freakin suck.

Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.

Ugh.

When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.

You want to stop crying.

You want to stop thinking about him or her.

You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)

You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."

We all handle break ups differently.

Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.

Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.

And the rest...

Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.

They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.

I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"

We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.

But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.

First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.

Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.

Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.

Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...

After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."

You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.

Soooo what is my advice?

("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)

Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?

If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.

I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.

You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.

My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.

The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.

When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.

Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.

Recover.

Rest.

Rebuild.

Restore.

So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)


Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

When I Break, I Break!

Seven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was cute, Christian, and had good credit. As the saying goes, he looked great "on paper." As far as I was concerned, he was The One. And like many girls in love, I practiced writing my first name with his last name and imagined what our adorable, curly haired little babies would look like.

But there was one BIG problem...

The man had ex-issues.

Very early on, I knew that his inability to cut ties with these women was going to create drama. Ex #1 cheated on him and yet he went to Hawaii with her after their break up...talk about forgiveness! Ex #2 was his best friend's sister-in-law and they went on vacations together with the b.f.'s family even after their break up (translation: THAT chick wasn't going anywhere)!!!! We argued about these women for weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years...and eventually our relationship ended. Did I think he wanted to get back together with either of them? No. Did they have daily, or even weekly contact? Probably not. Did I believe he would cheat on me with one of them? Nope! So...why was I mad? BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WANTED TO MAINTAIN ANY FRIENDSHIPS IF THE RELATIONSHIPS WERE OVER.

Ex #2 was super pressed. She made up any excuse to call, i.e. "I'm looking for your mother. I called her house but she didn't answer...do you know where she is?" Really lady? How 'bout you leave a message on her voice mail like a normal person?! The last straw was when she went on vacation and sent him a postcard - from FLORIDA! First of all, who sends postcards from FLORIDA? Second, WHY is this woman sending you postcards when y'all are supposedly done AND she knows you have a girlfriend who is always at your house? I felt disrespected, but he wasn't understanding me and was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Finally, I made the decision for him and I walked away. The break up lasted a year, but we reunited, spent months in premarital counseling, and broke up again...FOR THE SAME REASON. This time, I found out that he had attended her daughter's high school graduation and didn't tell me. KA-BOOM! I went OFF. "Breaking Dishes" by Rihanna was my theme song that night. Relationship over...almost 5 years down the drain.

It's been 2 years since then. He still contacts me occasionally and enjoys updating me on the fact that he hasn't gotten back with either of those women, but I could care less. It was something I couldn't handle and I know I made the best decision for me.

So...my question is: If there are no children involved, no financial ties, no real estate...why be friends with an ex?

I've never (ever, ever, ever) had the desire to continue seeing or talking to a man after a break up. It's not that I'm bitter, I just don't want to be bothered with the person who either broke my heart, disappointed me, or proved that he didn't even deserve to know me. I always wish them well; I may even pray for them if I'm feeling especially gracious, but I believe in keeping it moving.

One reason I think people play the "Let's be friends" card is because they are afraid to let go. It takes courage to completely walk away from someone you love when you realize it's not working. Remaining "friends" keeps those lines of communication open. If you're still talking, there's still hope of a reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and decide he's ready to marry me or Maybe she will realize her baby's daddy is a douche and come back to me. Other times people know that they can't give you what you need but want to keep you as a friend "just in case". They still want you in the picture just in case they change their minds. Ummm...no. How about you both just move forward? Looking back usually doesn't help anyone.

If you're not dating anyone seriously, then honestly you can do whatever you want. Personally, I don't recommend keeping old wounds open - they prevent you from healing and being completely available for the next one, but hey, do you.
However, once you begin a new relationship, your exes need to FALL BACK. What benefit can come from maintaining a friendship with someone you were in an intimate relationship with, WHILE you are trying to give yourself to a new boo? If you are focused on your new man/woman, how do you even have time for these exes? Yeah, sure the conversations may begin as casual "Hey how ya been?" updates, but at some point someone will get in his or her car and slowly start cruising down Memory Lane: "Hey, remember that time we had drunk sex in Puerto Rico?" or "Man nobody could lick my toes the way you did!" When the "friendly" conversations turn to reminiscing, somebody in this new friendship wants that old thing back. If you are doing this while you are in a relationship, you may not think so, but you are being unfaithful. You may not be sleeping with or even seeing your ex, but the fact that you are initiating or merely entertaining intimate conversations with someone else is wrong. Would your man or your woman be able to sit in the room while you talk to your ex? Probably not.

I don't know why people associate a complete break with malice. Does it mean that I hate you or hope that you get hit by a bus because I no longer want to talk to you or see you? NO! It means that I want to get over you; I want to heal from the pain that may have come from our relationship and our break up so that I can make a fresh start. Call me selfish, but my new life does not need to include you in it.