Seven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was cute, Christian, and had good credit. As the saying goes, he looked great "on paper." As far as I was concerned, he was The One. And like many girls in love, I practiced writing my first name with his last name and imagined what our adorable, curly haired little babies would look like.
But there was one BIG problem...
The man had ex-issues.
Very early on, I knew that his inability to cut ties with these women was going to create drama. Ex #1 cheated on him and yet he went to Hawaii with her after their break up...talk about forgiveness! Ex #2 was his best friend's sister-in-law and they went on vacations together with the b.f.'s family even after their break up (translation: THAT chick wasn't going anywhere)!!!! We argued about these women for weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years...and eventually our relationship ended. Did I think he wanted to get back together with either of them? No. Did they have daily, or even weekly contact? Probably not. Did I believe he would cheat on me with one of them? Nope! So...why was I mad? BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WANTED TO MAINTAIN ANY FRIENDSHIPS IF THE RELATIONSHIPS WERE OVER.
Ex #2 was super pressed. She made up any excuse to call, i.e. "I'm looking for your mother. I called her house but she didn't answer...do you know where she is?" Really lady? How 'bout you leave a message on her voice mail like a normal person?! The last straw was when she went on vacation and sent him a postcard - from FLORIDA! First of all, who sends postcards from FLORIDA? Second, WHY is this woman sending you postcards when y'all are supposedly done AND she knows you have a girlfriend who is always at your house? I felt disrespected, but he wasn't understanding me and was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Finally, I made the decision for him and I walked away. The break up lasted a year, but we reunited, spent months in premarital counseling, and broke up again...FOR THE SAME REASON. This time, I found out that he had attended her daughter's high school graduation and didn't tell me. KA-BOOM! I went OFF. "Breaking Dishes" by Rihanna was my theme song that night. Relationship over...almost 5 years down the drain.
It's been 2 years since then. He still contacts me occasionally and enjoys updating me on the fact that he hasn't gotten back with either of those women, but I could care less. It was something I couldn't handle and I know I made the best decision for me.
So...my question is: If there are no children involved, no financial ties, no real estate...why be friends with an ex?
I've never (ever, ever, ever) had the desire to continue seeing or talking to a man after a break up. It's not that I'm bitter, I just don't want to be bothered with the person who either broke my heart, disappointed me, or proved that he didn't even deserve to know me. I always wish them well; I may even pray for them if I'm feeling especially gracious, but I believe in keeping it moving.
One reason I think people play the "Let's be friends" card is because they are afraid to let go. It takes courage to completely walk away from someone you love when you realize it's not working. Remaining "friends" keeps those lines of communication open. If you're still talking, there's still hope of a reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and decide he's ready to marry me or Maybe she will realize her baby's daddy is a douche and come back to me. Other times people know that they can't give you what you need but want to keep you as a friend "just in case". They still want you in the picture just in case they change their minds. Ummm...no. How about you both just move forward? Looking back usually doesn't help anyone.
If you're not dating anyone seriously, then honestly you can do whatever you want. Personally, I don't recommend keeping old wounds open - they prevent you from healing and being completely available for the next one, but hey, do you.
However, once you begin a new relationship, your exes need to FALL BACK. What benefit can come from maintaining a friendship with someone you were in an intimate relationship with, WHILE you are trying to give yourself to a new boo? If you are focused on your new man/woman, how do you even have time for these exes? Yeah, sure the conversations may begin as casual "Hey how ya been?" updates, but at some point someone will get in his or her car and slowly start cruising down Memory Lane: "Hey, remember that time we had drunk sex in Puerto Rico?" or "Man nobody could lick my toes the way you did!" When the "friendly" conversations turn to reminiscing, somebody in this new friendship wants that old thing back. If you are doing this while you are in a relationship, you may not think so, but you are being unfaithful. You may not be sleeping with or even seeing your ex, but the fact that you are initiating or merely entertaining intimate conversations with someone else is wrong. Would your man or your woman be able to sit in the room while you talk to your ex? Probably not.
I don't know why people associate a complete break with malice. Does it mean that I hate you or hope that you get hit by a bus because I no longer want to talk to you or see you? NO! It means that I want to get over you; I want to heal from the pain that may have come from our relationship and our break up so that I can make a fresh start. Call me selfish, but my new life does not need to include you in it.
That's right, break it like a Claussen pickle!! But that's funny to know that woman practice their signature with his (the one's)last name....
ReplyDeleteAlonna this hits SOOO close to home. My most recent ex and current man (same guy) has a crazy ex. During our "relationship" he would periodically accept calls from her, every couple of months...no big deal. As soon as she found out that he was seeing me she starts calling more often finding ways to try to gain his affection including telling him that she's going to kill herself and showing up at his house threatening to come to his door when I was there.
ReplyDeleteI walked away. I realized that unless he handled her PROPERLY and made me feel and know that I was as special as I knew I was, it would never work. I was pissed that he was more concerned about her well being than mine.
He later admitted to me that he had not handled the situation well and had led her to believe that she could come back into his life. He admitted that he had not always been honest with me and going forward I was his priority. He no longer takes her calls and told her that he's moved on and she needs to do the same. I still have not put all of my eggs back into his basket, but I have a MUCH different feeling now than I've had at any point in our relationship. He even sat with my parents and apologized for his unstable decisions and explained to them that he was interested in being in my life long term and "courting" me...yes he said "court" lol. These are the things that should happen and the feelings you should feel when you know you are a priority in a man's life.
Now on the other hand, I am friends with most of my ex's and its basically because we work well together but not necessarily as a couple. I have no problems being friends with my ex's. Most of them are great people with great qualities. If we ended on bad terms we have had conversations about that and found a peaceful relationship. I am not friends with all of my ex-boyfriends but about half. If there is unfinished business it will definitely cause issues in a relationship, otherwise, I dont think it's a big deal as long as both parties are comfortable with the arrangement.
Girl I don't even know! I guess b/c I have had such annoying experiences with exes, I'm so anti-ex. Again, if you're not dating, I think you can do whatever, but if you're seeing someone who doesn't like it...choices have to be made!!
ReplyDeleteWow! I really like your blog!! Interesting !! I totally agree with you!! When a relationship ends it ends!! Move on!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the compliment Trazana! :-)
ReplyDeleteThere is absolutely no other reason outside of having kids, having close family ties or running a business to maintain a friendship with an ex. And even in the instance of close family ties, all thats needed is a common cordiality... not a friendship. In the instance of kids or running a business, its healthy to call a truce and build a friendship in order to be able to positively co-exist without unneeded drama and friction. If you have to be in each others lives then why not do it in a healthy way. But if none of the above exist... hop, skip, jump, RUN in the other direction and dont look back.
ReplyDeleteThe only reason people hold onto to past relationships is either for the hope of mending that relationship, or having the option to have someone to go to when there is no one else. And the fact that your significant other would not give up that person for the sake of your new relationship, or has difficulty doing so is a HUGE sign that they are not all in, and that you are not a priority. At that realization... what reason is there to stay?