I recently read an article written for Christian singles cautioning us to heed the obstacles that God places in our paths. The author made a point that stuck with me: "It is possible, is it not, that it is this difficult for a reason? Perhaps it is not supposed to BE--at all" (from "On Being Hindered, Part 2" by Hudson Russell Davis). Those two little sentences sent me into deep reflection about relationships and WHY people continue to fight for those things that never should have been in the first place.
As I write this, I'm watching "Tough Love: Couples" wondering if this woman will stay with her boyfriend who just confessed that he received a Happy Ending at a massage parlor. She says she isn't forgiving him, but my gut tells me that she will not only forgive him, but will also stay with him. They are arguing and cursing like two fools on national TV. He says he loves her, but how can you "love" someone and do something like that? Moreover, how can you stay with someone who obviously does not love you and definitely does not respect you? Why are you fighting for something that is not working? *Sigh*.
Some men and women complain about constant, ongoing battles in their relationships. I've heard of couples who beef EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Is this the model of a modern relationship? A miserable cycle of hardcore fighting, name calling, disrespecting, breaking up, and getting back together?
I wonder if toxic couples actually view their own relationships as such, or if they have just accepted that the drama is now a part of who they are? Can I go further and say that these couples actually...dare I say, enjoy the chaos?
It is difficult for us to admit that we have made a bad decision, to admit that the person we CHOSE is not the right one. So, what do we do? We try to force something to work that is not working just so we can save face and avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and facing reality. Or, we look back at the time we've invested thinking, "It's too late to back out now...what about all these months/years I've lost?" But who are you helping when you stay? Especially if the two of you are incompatible and it's just not meant to be.
If you're breaking up once a month, every few months, or just threatening to break up, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If, after a significant amount of time together (let's say 1+ years), you are STILL arguing about things that new couples argue about, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If you don't even LIKE and can barely TOLERATE everything that makes that person who he/she is, then perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you can't remember the last time you had fun together or the last time you laughed with each other but you know exactly what your last fight was about, perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you are upset more than you are content, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Relationships are meant to strengthen and build us up, to challenge us, and make us better...maybe I'm wrong??? If yours is causing you to lose sleep, drink or eat excessively, smoke on something just to deal with your significant other...you may need to rethink the whole thing.
If you're not married, you're lucky...BOUNCE!!!! Stop believing that endless trials are typical and serve to build the "character" of your relationship...they are not and absolutely do not. There is nothing normal about being mad and fighting with someone every day or every other day. If you are married...umm...perhaps you should get some counseling. A third party may need to help the two of you figure out why you got married in the first place. And please don't say those issues weren't apparent when you were dating...you know that's a lie! :-/
I'm not saying don't put the effort into your relationship or run away when you face a challenge, but if the good outweighs the bad; if you're crying more than you're smiling, then maybe you are holding onto something that has passed it's expiration date.
ALL TRUE!
ReplyDeleteMmmm...the fear of being "alone" rears its ugly head through out this piece...Fear can make you believe, hold on and do anything you won't normally do.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree!
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that I have dismissed the fear of being "alone"...doesn't mean I don't get lonely or crave "love", but I will not settle for just anything (but I WILL have fun!)
ReplyDeleteAlso, the feeling of being comfortable comes into play. I am sure that there are a lot of people that stay in poisonous relationships because this is what they have known for a very long time. Furthermore, take into account the types of relationships that people have been exposed to. How was the relationship with mom and dad? How do you know what a "GREAT" relationship is if you have only seen the not so great ones? Many people, because they have not seen good relationships are just...let's say.."winging it", because they know no other way.
ReplyDeleteI've been watching this show too and I think its all about recognizing what you are worth and making a decision to not settle for anything less. I also think that we as women are natural nurtures and are constantly thinking we can "fix" things or "love someone enough" to make them want to change. And the reality is that a person has to genuinely want to change and do it for themselves. And deep down we know this, but when you're in love, you always thinking that "one last chance" could be it.
ReplyDeleteIn addition people that don't love themselves cant possibly love someone else. The sad thing is that most people don't realize it until its too late. The person that doesn't love themself deosn't immediately recognize it, and isn't willing to admit that the case. So when they say they LOVE someone else. They really think they mean it. I think for most women, once we realize that it has nothing to do with us, and that its the other person, it becomes easier to walk away. When people are constantly doing things to hurt you, while claiming they love you... they aren't directly doing it to you. They are doing self-destructive things that are ultimately going to devestate them and their lives, but because we're in that relationship, we are also directly impacted and affected by everything they do. Love doesn't cure dysfunction. Only GOD and self reflection can do that. And if a person is not willing to do that, its over before it even starts.
There is nothing wrong with trying to make something work, but you have to know when to say "when."