Older, Wiser...Bitter?

An important man in my life commented that my blog seems to focus on the negative aspects of relationships. "Are there any positive, uplifting relationship experiences you can write about?" he wanted to know. My reply was, "No. I haven't had any yet."

I think my response bummed him out, and his question kinda irked me, but it did get me thinking. It's not accurate to say that I didn't have any good times with my exes, but the pain and disappointment that resulted from our breakups does overshadow a lot of the good. Is there a such thing as a good break up anyway? People who say, "Oh we had a good break up..." annoy the heck out of me. Anywhoo, I digress...

Maturity and many, many, many conversations with God have shown me that I must take responsibility for the part that I played in all of my failed relationships. BUT this man's question really made me wonder if my experiences have tainted my perspective. Have I become THAT woman? The one who, after having her heart broken one too many times, has decided that Love Don't Live Here Anymore? This made me nervous because I have seen bitter and it does not look good on anyone! After a bit of soul searching, however, I've decided that my experiences have not made me bitter, they’ve made me BETTER. And since I am wiser and oh so generous, I'd like to share with you what I've learned. :-)

1. God is everything. If you're not a Christian, this one isn't for you (side note: I'd love to talk to you, if you're interested in learning about Jesus), BUT if you are saved, don't ever attach yourself to someone who doesn't have a genuine relationship with the Lord. "Genuine" looks like this: he/she has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Lord and Savior, reads the Bible and is attempting to live its message, prays (only saying grace does not count) and goes to church. Does this mean that person is perfect? HECK NO!!! But that person's perspective on love, fidelity, honesty and respect will be different from someone who is not in a relationship with God. The Bible specifically tells us NOT to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). You are setting yourself up for so much heartache for no reason.

2. Staying with someone who is untrustworthy is STUPID. Do I really need to elaborate?


3. Compromise on the WHATs but don’t compromise WHO you are. I think everyone should have a list of non-negotiables and stick to them. Now, if your list of requirements rivals that of Chili’s from TLC, then you may need to come down to Earth and be more realistic. But what can you simply NOT deal with? Religious/spiritual differences? Baby mama/daddy drama? Lack of ambition? Lack of employment? Mother/father issues? Don’t compromise on those things for anyone. If you do, you’ll eventually resent that person for not being who you want him to be. God knows what you need; you do not need to settle.

4. People make time for the things they want to make time for. If the other person isn’t putting in the effort, why bother? Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Both parties should be all in. When you love someone, sometimes you have to go above and beyond...it isn’t going to work if someone doesn’t feel that way or has other priorities.

5. Multiple children by multiple women or men = someone with commitment issues OR someone who is extremely irresponsible. He looks good and sounds even better, but dude has 4 kids by 3 different women and didn’t marry any of them. He barely has time for the children he created and then tells you that he wants more…with YOU?! Really? We tend to make excuses for people we really want to be with. Is it possible this person was just young and stupid back in the day? Sure. We’ve all been there, made some choices we wish we could reverse but it would be wise to ask those deep, probing questions to find out WHY this person’s seed has been all over the tri-state area and WHY he/she never married. If the answers don’t sound genuine or if the person blames everyone else, walk, no RUN the other way.

6. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right in your spirit, take heed. If you haven’t been diagnosed by a mental health professional as crazy, then every, single voice in your head telling you that something is wrong is RIGHT and you need to ROLL.

7. Listen to your family and friends. If the people who love and genuinely want the best for you are not feeling your boo, you may want to take a closer look at him/her. Find out WHY they feel this way and do not get in your feelings because of it.

8. Do YOU. Your partner is not your lifeline. Yes, he/she will add to and enhance your life (hopefully), but that person cannot BE your life. Don’t give up your hobbies, interests and friends just because you’re in a relationship. You two are better together because you are unique individuals bringing something special to the table. And if someone expects you to always drop what you are doing to be on his/her time, that person is probably not the one.

9. Talk is so cheap. Believe ACTIONS over WORDS every time. Nuff said.

10. For the ladies: DO NOT give a man ultimatums about marriage. If he wants to marry you, he will. If he doesn't, yes it will hurt, yes you will be sad, but you will live and then it's on to the next one. Pressuring, giving deadlines is just wrong. Besides, who wants to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle? Y'all are already starting off wrong.

11. Timing is everything. Being with the right person at the wrong time can be just as detrimental as being with the wrong person. WAIT. Don't rush the natural progression of your relationship. It's always exciting to click with someone new, to learn someone new, to kiss and hold someone new...but let things flow. Don't talk about marriage too soon. Don't sign up for the wedding registry at all of your favorite stores just yet. Date that person. And if you are a woman, let that man COURT you. Enjoy each other where you are, the rest will come as it is supposed to. And if it doesn't blossom, that's okay too; that means there's someone else better suited for you.

12. If someone tells you who he/she is, believe it. "I have commitment issues." "I don't have time for a relationship." Umm...why are you sticking around?

13. If your relationship started off dirty because you did something dirty to someone else, it is going to end that way too. Karma, reaping what you sow...whatever you may call it, is real. Don't go after people who are off limits...that man's wife? Your girl's ex boo? What God has for you is for YOU. Besides, if that person dogged out the one before you, why do you think you will be different?

14. Seek a partner who does more than satisfy your body; seek someone who satisfies your heart and your soul. A friend told me that the person you choose should help you on your way to your dreams and vice versa. If that bamma doesn't even know what color your eyes are or where you grew up, is he/she really trying to get to know YOU? If you feel worse or indifferent after your interactions, are you being uplifted or torn down? Think about it...


15. Make people earn your trust but don't punish someone new because the last person hurt you. Guarding your heart is great, not being naive is awesome, allowing someone to prove him/herself BEFORE you give away your time and energy in vain is important but every man is not like the last man. Give everyone his/her own chance. It's hard but you've gotta do it!


and FINALLY...


16. Stop fornicating! No, I'm not a virgin. This is why I know that sex clouds judgment. How many of us have stayed connected to someone for too long because of the emotional tie that sex creates? It is MUCH easier to walk away from someone you have not been intimate with. If you are trusting God, He is NOT going to connect you to someone you are sexually incompatible with. He knows you like to get down. He has someone for you who likes to get down too. You do NOT need to test the car before you buy it.



I don't profess to know everything, but I have learned some things.
Hope this helped. :-)

Love and butterflies,

Alonna