Not too long ago, one of my friends declared on his facebook page that he was "done with sistas".
Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.
When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.
I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.
*Sigh.*
Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.
Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.
Others are "done".
Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.
Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.
But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."
LOL.
I'm not addressing any of those things...today.
But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:
I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.
I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.
My father is black.
My stepfather is black.
My stepbrothers are black.
My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.
Guy friends...they're black too.
Obviously, I've had experience with black men.
It hasn't been all pretty.
In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.
Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.
Such is love and life, though.
God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).
I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.
I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)
Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:
My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)
A black man.
My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.
A black man.
Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.
Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.
They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.
They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.
Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.
Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.
Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.
A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.
Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.
A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.
Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.
A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.
A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.
Black men have wined and dined me.
Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)
Black men have prayed with me and for me.
A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.
Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.
They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.
They've shown me how to have fun.
They are not perfect.
They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.
...But doesn't everyone do these things?
They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.
They handle their business and take care of their families.
They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.
They smell so good.
They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.
For me, the good far outweighs the bad.
I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...
I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.
To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?
I love me. :-)
And I love black men.
XOXO,
Alonna
I love this. Its nice to get some positive in this world where things are often portrayed so negative. Me myself, will never be done with black me, just as I would never close myself off from experience other cultures. The faults or good parts of men are universal, not based on race. There are cheating, lying, jackasses of all shapes and colors, just as there are good men, good fathers, good providers and loving men of all colors!
ReplyDeleteAw man...I can't hang in & around Towson anymore?!?? Because I'm done with sistas & PG county women...I MAY think about coming back in the future. To know what you want & need, everyone should explore other cultures!
ReplyDeletePreach Segears! I think anyone who isn't open to the potential of love and happiness because of race or some ignorant stereotypes, hang ups, personal insecurities, etc., DEFINITELY isn't strong enough for a chic like me anyway. I'm just saying...
ReplyDeleteShout out to Mr. Segears for hooking us up at all the parties you held at his house and for the breakfast, lunch and dinner he prepared for you during the Snowpocalypse!!!
This was very well written. I really don't have a comment for this, I just want everyone that I know to read it. I thought that My sister was my favorite post, now I don't know. Well written booskie!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are trying to say...but we do have some black woman out here that just live to make others miserable...my thing is, they are miserable and are so focused on wanting someone to hurt like they hurt...but most of the time, people dont know that they are hurt...lots of woman kill a great relationship or situation because they refuse to let go of the past hurts...even after apologies...and not just verbal apologies but apologies through actions...i will never make this comment, because i always had the approach that God sends us our mates...he sends us the people we have relationships with to help us grow...some people grow and become better people...some miss the test and stay in the same place, these are the woman that most black men run from...it is hard to love someone like Christ loves the Church...when they do not love themselves...I feel so blessed for my "black woman" definitely God sent...GREAT BLOG
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading everyone!!
ReplyDeleteLOL @ Ty! :-) xoxo
M. Powell...there are blk men who also live to make others miserable. I have been deeply hurt by blk men in my past...so much that I could just go gay because of it all. BUT I WON'T. And I'm not going to steretype all blk men or all men b/c of what a few have done to me and my friends. For every bad, there is a good...and I refuse to abandon my brothers, the way some have abandoned us. For every negative thing that can be said about black women or women in general, the same can be said about men. PEOPLE hurt others, PEOPLE do wrong things, ALL PEOPLE...not just women or just men or just certain races. There are also blk women out there who say they are "DONE" with blk men b/c of what their fathers, baby daddies, husbands and boyfriends have done to them. This blog was written to present the case for why that should not be so. :-)
"My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever"
ReplyDeleteThis, to me, is the most powerful paragraph in this blog. I was especially moved to hear that your father is that great a man to his daughter.
This was refreshing. In a world where everything black is usually considered negative it's nice to get post like this. Black men always get bashed for not being there for their children, mistreating women, and not keeping a job. I would like to say thanks from all the GOOD black men, because you're showing others that they are still some good one's out there.
ReplyDeleteGlad you touched on this because I'm always having to fight that horrible statement from my Black guy friends...and all my sistah girls are always holding out for a brother! I think the media is really exaserbating the situation, so there definitely needs to be more positive discussions around it.
ReplyDelete