Cut him!

Women are nurturers. We instinctively desire to cultivate something and watch it grow - especially our relationships.

This is why, even when the writing is on the wall, telling us to leave a dude where he is standing, we linger and hover and wait...hoping that if we keep watering, fertilizing, and yanking out the weeds, a beautiful flower will blossom.

Sometimes you just need to pull everything up and start over.

Cut him if...

1. He lies to you.
This one goes without saying. If you can't trust the man, there really is no reason to stick around. I'm not just talking about suspicions - although those are signs too - I mean, you have flat out caught him in a lie. He said he was taking care of his sick momma, but you found out he went to the strip club with his boys. He told you he was working late but you ran into him at Happy Hour with some thirsty-looking woman from his job. It doesn't matter why he's lying, all that matters is you can't have a relationship with someone whose definition of honesty is, "Whatever she doesn't know, won't hurt her."

2. He lies to other people.
A while ago, when an ex was trying to get back into my good graces, he took me to breakfast, paid for the meal, then saved the receipt so he could write it off as a business expense for his job. RED FLAG! MAN DOWN! Lying about a $30 meal showed a lack of integrity and proved that he was not the one.  If he fibs to his job, his family, his friends, or whomever, please believe that it will be no time before he is lying to YOU (reread #1). That was the last time he ever saw me again.

3. He has baby mama drama.
Unresolved issues with the mother/s of his child/ren WILL affect your life. Trying to take care of babies you did not birth is difficult enough as it is, why add to the stress? I don't care how "good" he is to you, if every conversation he has with the BM turns into World War III you need to let him go.

4. He is inconsistent.
On Monday, Boo Boo is all about you. Whenever your cell vibrates, it's Boo with another syrupy-sweet text, email or call. He even dials you up just to say "good night". Awww. It's precious. On Tuesday, the texts are sweet, but not as delicious as Monday's trip to the candy store. Wednesday is sprinkled with boring, distracted small talk and Thursday looks like this: one text, a chain letter email forward, and a two-minute call. Friday seems promising because he says that he wants to see you and although you're irritated, you agree, giving the benefit of the doubt. Well, the weekend comes and goes and homeboy appears to have dropped off the face of the Earth. He hasn't contacted you, nor is he returning your texts or calls. You get a lame apology the following Tuesday--via text, no less, then don't hear from him for days, maybe even weeks. Just when you decide to delete that joker from your address book and your memory bank, he's comes baaaaack. Like a poltergeist.

A man like this usually has unfinished business in the background. His interaction with you depends on how frequently or infrequently the other woman is letting him run the same tired game on her.

Cut. Delete. Unfriend.

5. He never answers the phone.
You call, he doesn't answer, then hours later he calls you back.

Every? Single? Time?

Cut.


The bottom line is this: 1+1 is and always will equal 2. If his words and actions don't add up; if you don't feel at peace; if you have to coerce yourself into making something "fit", then it's not working and you need to move on.

We all have loved and lost but one thing we need to stop wasting is time.

Cut that zero and get with a hero. Lol.

XO,
Alonna

The Don'ts of Dating

We've all learned about relationships through trial and error but some mistakes we should just stop making if we want to keep our sanity. I don't know everything but I did learn some things throughout my 18 years of dating!

1. Don't limit yourself. The saying "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket" is one that all single women must heed.  Until you both make the decision to be exclusive, keep seeing other men! It's perfectly okay to leave your options open until you are committed to one. You don't have to lie or sneak around either. If one of your boos asks, tell him that you are behaving as a single woman until you find the right man. If his ego can't handle it and he walks, oh well...there are more fish in the sea!

2. Don't have sex! Some of you are rolling your eyes but YES, sex is the number one downfall of women. Let's keep it real, we have a lot of power until we drop the drawers. After the "do' is done, a switch is flipped and we become completely different creatures (especially if it was good!). I don't care how liberated some of us claim to be, we can't fight biology. Oxytocin, that bonding hormone that is released during an orgasm, now has you thinking that deadbeat Craig, who was supposed to be a booty call/"friend", could be your potential husband. He doesn't even have a job so you know you are trippin. Besides, it really, really isn't cute to sleep with a bunch of men - check the STD stats. And if you're a Christian...you already know the Lord is not pleased. Keep your legs closed. 

3. Don't bring up commitment. Like I said in my Brainwashed post, it is a myth that men are confused and don't know what they want. If a man behaves otherwise, it's because he doesn't want you. Plain and simple. Nagging him about the "future" is only going to turn him off or make him feel pressured - which men hate. This is why you are following tip #1 - you want your heart and your thoughts to be as light as possible, for as long as possible. Set a deadline in your head (DON'T tell him). If he hasn't brought up monogamy in a reasonable amount of time (1-2 months), it's because he's not interested in it. If that's what you want, move on. Whatever you do, don't sit around waiting for a man to "come to his senses".

4. Don't bring up marriage. Do I need to say more? Look, it's perfectly okay to want to be some man's wife and if you want to mention that in a general conversation, that's fine. But don't go on one or two good dates and expect him to feel the same way. When a man wants to marry you, you will know. How will you know? He will tell you and then he (believe it or not) will set that ball in motion.

5. Don't say "I love you".  I've heard that men fall in love first, women fall in love hardest. Who knows? Scientists spend money on useless studies that really don't prove much about anything. All I know is that every time I said it first, the relationship eventually ended. Lol. For REAL!  My husband was the first and only man to utter those words before I did.  It's different for every couple, but for me, in my spirit, that was one reason why I knew he was The One. Even if you are soooo sure you are feeling it and the words are oozing from your soul, wait until he goes home -- then you can shout it as much as you want, as you dance around your house. Just don't let him hear you. :-)

Dating is hard enough as it is. Don't make it more complicated by setting yourself up for heartache and failure unnecessarily. Repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results is insanity, right?

XOXO,
Alonna

Calm Down

My husband says that I gave him a hard time when he first pursued me. I don't quite remember it that way but if I did...

It must not have been too bad because he was ready to put a ring on it 6 months after we met. :-)

I will admit that I was relatively calm, cool and collected in the beginning. I didn't relinquish my guard this time until I knew that my heart was safe.

And I would not change a thing!

Women get too excited, too fast about a lot of nothing.

We gas ourselves up when men do the most basic things instead of expecting to be treated well. Then, we jump the gun instead of letting the relationship run its natural course - which sometimes means letting it run right on out the door. This is how we end up hurt, analyzing every, little behavior wondering, Oh my gosh! What does this mean...? when sometimes "this" means absolutely nothing.

For example...

"He takes me out."
Any man with a decent job can take you to dinner and a movie (although the latter does cost a grip these days). Men already know that they may have to spend a little to get a little, so while the candlelit tacos may send you over the moon, his feet are still firmly planted on the ground. Yes, dinner is nice. So is breakfast and lunch but it doesn't mean he wants to be your man or that he isn't eating a meal or two with somebody else. Say gracias for the tacos but don't starting choosing bridesmaids yet. 

"He gives me flowers."
They sell flowers on the side of the road. While it's a nice gesture and could mean that he was genuinely thinking about you, it doesn't mean THAT much. It is romantic but breathe. Express your gratitude, put 'em in water and relax.

"He wants to go away with me." 
Have you ever had vacation sex? It's totally awesome. Who doesn't like to get away from it all?  If his pockets are thick or if he just got his tax refund, he may even pay your way, but that doesn't mean homeboy wants to be your man. It could just mean that he thinks he can have some out-of-town fun with you. Traveling with a man can be a big step, so choose wisely before you get on the road or in the air. And please don't sleep with the guy just because he paid for your plane ticket to the Bahamas.

"He brings me around his family and friends."
For some men this is a huge step, for others it doesn't mean a thing. I've seen men bring women in and out of their circle without batting an eye. Meeting Momma and 'em doesn't mean that he's preparing to propose. If you really want to know the deal, find one of his boys with loose lips and ask when was the last time boo boo brought a woman around - he may tell you that it was just yesterday.

"He says that he can see a future with me." 
For some men "the future" could mean the next day or the end of the week. They can spot a hungry woman right away and know when you're feeling vulnerable or desperate. If a man knows that it takes a commitment to get you, then he'll say what you want to hear - whether he means it or not. If he's already talking about "the future" before he even knows you, then he's running game.

I didn't write this post to be a Debbie Downer. I'm not advising women to eye every guy suspiciously, never having fun or cracking a smile. BUT don't get too excited, too soon and don't read more into a situation than you should. Until you've had sufficient time to gauge a man's character and until you've both made decisions about what you would like from each other, take every action with a grain of salt.

He may be sweet and nice and all may be lovely but for real...calm down.

Love openly but wisely,
Alonna

Brainwashed

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ~ G. Steinem

I was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Love & Hip Hop and was blown when Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her long time boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones.

Gave that man a custom-made, blinged out ring.

Oh yeah, and it cost 12 Gs.

Oh, AND she said that she'd pretty much spent all of her money on it. 

Siiiiiigh.

Where do I even begin?

Women want to be pampered and put on pedestals. "Treat me like a lady," we say. We also want the option to flourish and exist completely separate from a man. "I'm independent and don't need a man," we also say.

Sometimes I understand why dudes are so confused. 

Which one is it? We can't have it both ways.

Chrissy said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. Her message to women? "Go 'head y'all keep waiting. I'ma get what I want".

If you watched the dynamics of their relationship play out on TV, you know that what she's actually getting is the short end of the stick.

They have been dating for six years and are shackin' up. As far as I can tell, their money is separate (I could be wrong). And even after she gave him the ring, he wouldn't discuss wedding plans. When Chrissy told Jim that she would leave if their engagement lasted too long he replied, "Just take the dog with you too."

Talk about writing on the wall.

Like most women, I'm sure Chrissy blames "love" for her lack of wisdom.

Poor love.

It gets the worst rap. It seems so selfish and so...well, stupid.

We always fault love when we are not thinking clearly. "The heart wants what it wants," we whine. "Love is blind," we declare.

Blind indeed.

But is it "love" that causes you to propose to a man who, after six years of living with you and sleeping with you, has shown no interest in officially taking you off the market?

Maybe Jim Jones doesn't want to marry Chrissy. Or anyone for that matter...and that's surely his prerogative. But shouldn't he just say that instead of dangling the illusion of commitment in front of her? And isn't Chrissy old enough to read the signs that if a man has not proposed and married her in six years, he isn't serious about ever committing?

Society has brainwashed women into believing that it's okay to chase men who don't step up to the plate. Magazines tell us that there is a man shortage (especially in the Black community) which causes us to commit desperate, reckless actions.

It is a myth that men don't know what they want. Those who stall or drag their feet are just trying to think of a way to escape with minimal drama. Don't make excuses and don't give men like this a pass for hurting your feelings or leading you on. Pay attention and move on.

I was in a relationship with a man for five years. After two major break ups, years of arguing, crying, acting crazy (me, of course) and months of pre-marital counseling, the brother still couldn't buy a ring and set a date.

I left.

He made every excuse in the world for why we weren't moving forward but at the end of the day, that's all they were: EXCUSES.

He wasn't ready. Or maybe he just didn't want to marry me. I wish that he had told the truth but since he couldn't, I had to make a decision that was best for Alonna.

I did not wait it out because "a good man is hard to find".

I did not put my house on the market and force myself into his. 

I did not buy a ring and twist his arm into committing.

If you are a "good" woman and the man you're with doesn't recognize it, leave.

God has something else for you.

I'm not saying that it won't hurt or that it won't be painful. I second-guessed my decision many, many times, especially when each relationship after him was a disaster.

But you have to get to the point where your self-worth outweighs all of the "love" you have for a man. You have to get the point where your time, your heart and your spirit are precious gifts that you will not waste on just anybody.

I'm getting married in 47 days. Our wedding is taking place on the one year anniversary of the day we met.

He brought up commitment, then marriage first. He proposed. He wanted to get married a few months ago.

He knew he had a good thing and was ready to lock it down. (tee hee) ;-)

Some people may say that knowing a man for a year is not "long enough" to know that you want to marry him.

I say that once you've been through some things, with God's help, you can tell in less than six months whether or not someone is temporary or permanent.

I will also say that if marriage is something that's in your heart, you should never give up what you want just because the current man in your life is not ready.

Don't let men, magazines or even your friends and family brainwash you into believing that you should take who and what you can get, any way you can get it.

Speaking of friends and family...surround yourself with people who have sense. Not once did Olivia question Chrissy's reasons for proposing. Not once did she point out the role that men play as leaders in the household and that if he can't lead with something like marriage, he certainly will be unable to lead with finances, child-rearing or anything else significant.

It was the blind leading the blind. And you know what Jesus said about that: "If one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch." (Matthew 15:14).

Hot mess.

You have ONE life.

Don't spend it waiting on anyone.

Hugs,
Alonna

Let Him Lead

I want to start this post by saying that I think relationships should be 100/100, not "50/50" as the saying goes.

You're either all in, or you're not in at all.

With that being said, experience has taught me that the man needs to first demonstrate that he is all in if the relationship is actually going to go somewhere.

The "typical" woman has been dreaming about her wedding day since puberty.  The venue, the dress, the shoes, the rings...the picture is vividly painted in her mind.

The "typical" man is different. He won't genuinely start thinking about marriage until he's been around the block a few times to see for himself that the "grass" pretty much looks the same in every neighborhood.

Or until all of his boys are married. 

Men don't fantasize about their tuxes or about how much their diamonds will sparkle in the light. But they do imagine how their home cooked meals will taste and how many times they will get laid each week.

Mars and Venus indeed.

Because of these differences, I always advise women to hold their cards close for as long as they can. I don't mean that we should be nasty or aloof and distant, but don't jump out the window, giving everything you have (as we naturally do) until you see that the man you care about is standing on that ledge next to you.

In the beginning, he should be initiating the date requests and the majority of the phone calls.

He should be the first to bring up exclusivity and commitment.

He should be first to say, "I want you to meet my mother..." (or father, auntie, Big Mama, whoever!)

Women are always ready to do these things. We YEARN to do these things. But to do so before a guy has proven that he is capable of giving you what you want is emotional suicide.

Steve Harvey said something to women has stuck in my head: "Only give what you get, until you are getting what you want..."

Don't make excuses or extend undeserved grace to a man who is falling short. "If I give it some more time, he'll come around..." Women who think that men need more time to express their emotions have been bamboozled. 

The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22). The man should be finding the woman, not the other way around. It's in their DNA to pursue. Like Usher sang, he should be looking for you "in the daytime with a flashlight".

When a man is ready, he will not play games. He will not lie or mislead. He will not keep his distance. He will not avoid conversations about marriage and family. In fact, he will initiate those conversations. His heart will be open--wide open.

Unfortunately by this time, he has also probably hurt and/or passed up at least five other great potentials, but the fact is, he just wasn't ready for any of them.

Many women have experienced this. We date a man for years, invest mucho time, hoping that it's going somewhere, but the relationship ends.  Then BAM! in a year or less we hear that homeboy has married someone else.

Cue the music for Vesta's "Congratulations".  Makes you wanna holler, doesn't it?

Don't holler for too long though. He's not "yours" if he ends up with someone else. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry, settle down, pop out some babies and live happily ever after. But do it with someone who wants to do it too. Clubbing someone over the head and dragging him down the aisle will hurt everyone involved. Nagging, whining and hanging on until he "comes around" will only hurt YOU.

Let him lead.

XOXO,
Alonna

Grow Up

I have a question for men over 30 who are still flying solo:

Why are you single?

Without hesitation some of you will blame your exes:

"She was crazy."

"She was pressuring me to get married."

"She didn't understand me at all."

A few will shrug and mumble, "I'm not ready to settle down".

A handful will say something that makes sense.

And others will have no comment.

Riiiiight.

A lot of men have convinced themselves that they are "selective". These men are always ready to recite the list of qualities they want in a wife and will complain that it's hard to find someone who meets their standards.

I'm not saying that marriage should be on every man's "To Do" list, 'cause let's face it...some wouldn't even be good at it.

BUT...

If you don't want to commit, don't say that you do.

And if you don't want to commit, don't have sex with her.

And if you don't want to commit, don't procreate with her...

But if you do...and you "love" her...why haven't you wifed her?

You know...get the license, go to the courthouse, the church, Vegas...wherever...and get married, "put a ring on it", make her your wife.

Not "wifey".

Ugh. I hate that word.

It irks me when men drag out relationships they don't want in order to use women for sex or money or as a distraction from their personal issues.

But men are not all to blame.

I wish that women made wiser choices. We have intuition and instincts that we tend to ignore.

We linger in relationships that don't fulfill us or that kill our spirits.

We know when a man is runnin' game, yet we keep hanging in there...hoping and wishing and praying...

Making excuses.

We believe it when they say things like, "All men cheat". We listen as they blame their penises, their equally weak friends, and society for why they can't be faithful or honest.

Men play with women's hearts and minds then wonder why their car windows are busted and their voice mails are filled with curses, tears and threats.

I think there'd be a lot less drama in relationships if men just said what they really wanted.

"I just want sex."

"I am only going to call you when my #1 can't hang out with me."

"I know you're a good woman, but I'm too immature to settle down right now and can't make a real commitment to you the way you deserve. I want to keep exploring my options because I really think the grass may be greener..."

Let the woman decide if she wants to deal with inconsistency, immaturity, insensitivity and foolishness.

But don't lie or tell half-truths or lead her on.

Speak up.

Man up.

Grow up.

The women of the world are waiting on you...

Alonna

He's For Real (this post is for the ladies)

I love being a woman.

But sometimes we let our emotions and our over-analytical minds get the best of us.

We constantly dissect men's actions and words. Twisting and turning and spinning them upside down, trying to make sense out of those things which are obvious.

A woman will make all kinds of excuses for a man she likes. We will read too much into everything, looking for deep, soulful meanings instead of accepting a situation for what it is.

I'm finding that men are very easy to read. And the good ones are even easier because they don't lie or lead us on. :-)

I've been thinking a lot about New Boo, comparing him to others from my past. So far, he stands out in a lot of ways from all of them.

I think he's for real.

But how do you know?

1) He doesn't play games. Mature men know what they want. When a man likes you, he's going to act like it...pretty much from the jump. He won't purposely ignore your calls in an effort to keep you thirsty or to not seem too pressed. He won't try to ignite your interest by talking about all of the other women who want his mind, body and soul. If he wants you, he's not going to do anything that may push you away.

2) He tells you how he feels and what he wants AND it doesn't change daily.
Aretha sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I want to write a song about C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y. Any man can tell you that he cares about you and desires a future with you. The man who is for real feels this way everyday. Oh yeah, and he acts like it.

3) He does what he says he's going to do. Inconsistent men (see #2) don't keep their word. Don't make excuses when he says he's going to call you back, then doesn't; makes plans, then breaks them; gets you excited about going out or on vacation and then doesn't follow through. Chuck up the deuces to bammas like this!

4) He wants to spend as much time with you as he can. Don't confuse this one with a man who is possessive, though. When a man is for real, he WANTS to be around you. He is not going to constantly choose a night out with the guys or an evening with Madden 11 over you! If he is cool with going days and days and days without seeing you, he's not that serious. You can keep telling yourself that he's busy or works hard or has to spend time with his children or his family, but all you're doing is kidding yourself. People make time for the things they want.

5) He makes plans. I was in a relationship with a man for five years and we never took one vacation together. No, going to visit his family in Lewisberg, NC does not count. He never took the time to plan an evening or a weekend or a holiday and that bothered me a lot. It is one of the many reasons we aren't together anymore - he was so lackadaisical about our relationship. Women are often the planners. We like paying attention to details and doing the research to find a new restaurant or vacation spot. I get that; I'm okay with that. BUT every now and then, the man needs to do something. If he doesn't, you may want to inquire...

6) He wants everyone to know about you - including other women. Friends don't know that you exist? Stutters and can't get your name out of his mouth when other women are around? Blows his top when you write on his Facebook wall, "Hey baby, have a great day!"? Ditch him.

7) He wants to talk to you, learn you, know you and remembers the things you say. You love Mexican with extra guacamole? He knows. Red velvet cupcakes? He bought some for your birthday. The argument you had with your Mom? He wants to know if you're okay. The co-worker who gets on your last nerve? She gets on his nerves too and he's never even met her. He knows your siblings' and friends' names, your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite wine. Your conversations are give and take...not all about him. He enjoys learning what makes you, YOU!

Listen, it's okay if a man isn't into you...everything ain't for everybody. And the sooner you know that he's not your match, the sooner the right one can make his way towards you.

But don't waste your time making excuses!

Wait for the real deal,

Alonna

"A Fair Shake"

"I'ma need you to have some faith," he said to me.

Faith.

Although it is a noun, that word definitely feels like a VERB at times since it requires you to DO so much. Like step out there. Put your fears aside. And trust.

New boo has been in my life for a few months. We aren't official yet but things are good.

He says the right things, does the right things and I haven't had to raise my eyebrow or give him the side eye about anything.

Yet.

I say "yet" because I've been there, done that...got the t-shirt, the key chain and the hat.

The last guy I liked wanted me to relocate to NC to be with him. Two months in, he was talking about marriage and babies.

I should've known better.

He seemed sincere. Didn't appear to be the type to run game. Went on and on for months about how much he cared for me and how he had never felt so strongly about a woman so quickly...etc., etc., etc...

All of that yakkety yak and he wasn't over his ex.

There I was spending my hard earned MONEY and my priceless TIME flying back and forth to see him and he was mailing her romantic birthday cards and doing God only knows what else. Ain't that some bull*&%$....?

Got his spot blown up on Facebook, of all places.

Smh.

I'm relieved that I found out sooner than later that he was fluent in two languages - English and LIE.

But I can't pretend I'm not human. There were feelings involved and it stung.

Did I mention that I hate to fly?

Can I send that bamma a bill?

Lately my story seems to be: Meet a guy, let down my guard, he does something ridiculous, I roll, and the recovery process begins.

After this last attempt ended so badly, I started wondering if my relationship failures are my fault. I've been wondering if I am choosing the wrong men...

Soooo...I'm being extremely cautious this time.

Words mean nothing anymore. Actions win all. Consistent actions. No exceptions.

New boo is worried that I can't give him "a fair shake" (his words) because of my past. It's not that I want to penalize him for the mistakes of others...I just don't want to give my heart or waste my time on any more undeserving men.

I'm too old for the endless fighting, the games, the lies, the half-truths, the omissions, the confusion, and the back and forth.

And I'm too old and too Christian to bust out the windows of a man's car because he lacks the "act right" to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

There is no way of knowing what will happen between two people in a relationship. It is impossible to predict another person's actions and the only one you can control is you. You go in optimistic and open to the possibilities but you keep your eyes wide open.

You don't rush commitment before you or your potential partner are ready.

You don't negotiate your non-negotiables.

And you never ignore the signs and your intuition.

New boo is getting the fair shake he's asking for...I am slowly opening up but I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and blur my vision of what's reality and what's fantasy. One thing I've tried to get him to understand is that I have learned from my mistakes and I refuse to repeat them.

It's not personal.

It's not being defensive or cold or putting up walls.

It's using wisdom.
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment." (New Living Translation, Proverbs 4:7)

And if he is on the up and up...we will be good.

And if not...well, I will add his name to the history book.

I'm still giving love a chance but I'm certainly not opposed to kicking anyone to the curb with the quickness...

Alonna
:-)

How to Lose a Woman (before you even get her)

The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.

Some of them have been lovely.

Some of them have been comical.

Others have been down right ridiculous.

I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.

Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)

These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:

1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.

You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above

Make up your mind.

If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.

Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.

2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.

Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."

Yuck.

Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.

3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!

Who does this?!

Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.

Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.

And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"

Now you're looking silly.

4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.

The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.

Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.

5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.

Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.

Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)

Alonna

The Walls

My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.

But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:

"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."

Like I said, I can relate.

Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.

I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.

Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.

Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.

I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.

I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.

Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.

We were giving too much too fast.

Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.

Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.

These days I have taken caution to the next level.

My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.

Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."

That's the bottom line for me.

I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.

I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.

A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.

Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?

Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.

His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?

I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."

Good.

When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.

Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.

My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.

No walls, just wisdom,

Alonna
xoxo

Why Rebounds Don't Work

Breakups.

They are a part of life.

They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.

They burn.

They hurt.

They freakin suck.

Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.

Ugh.

When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.

You want to stop crying.

You want to stop thinking about him or her.

You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)

You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."

We all handle break ups differently.

Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.

Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.

And the rest...

Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.

They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.

I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"

We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.

But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.

First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.

Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.

Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.

Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...

After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."

You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.

Soooo what is my advice?

("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)

Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?

If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.

I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.

You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.

My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.

The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.

When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.

Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.

Recover.

Rest.

Rebuild.

Restore.

So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)


Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

Love or Sex?

A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:

1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?

I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?

Does love really conquer ALL?

How important is sex in a marriage?

I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...

Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.

I'm not a virgin.

Nope.

Far from it.

Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.

Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!

Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.

But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?

If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?

My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.

Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!

God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!

In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."

I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.

I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...

I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.

For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!

I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.

Now, on the other hand...

There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.

So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?

I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?

What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??

I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Alonna


**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)