The Single Girl's Bucket List

I'm two weeks into married life and although I can't give much insight into this new "club" I now belong to, I can definitely share some things I learned while being single for 32 years and 9 months. :-)

Remaining single into my 30s was a blessing that I didn't fully appreciate until a couple of years ago.  I learned a lot about myself, about men and about relationships. There's no magic number for when a woman should marry - so stop putting pressure on yourself - but I definitely think that every woman should do these things before jumping the broom!

1. Get educated
Whether it's your BA, MA, or PhD, cosmetology school or classes at the local community college...find something that interests you and become better at it. I read that women with more years of higher education have a lower chance of getting divorced than women without. One "expert" also said that educated women are more confident about who they are and are less likely to settle for a man who doesn't meet their standards. Now, I don't know how accurate these statistics are because I've made plenty of bad relationship decisions since graduating from college but I do know that you'll definitely feel a sense of accomplishment that no man can take away from you - no matter how bad the break up!

2. See the world
If you don't have a passport, go to the State Department's website and apply for one as soon as you're finished reading this post :-). Then, grab a map, call a few of your girls and make plans to get out of town ASAP!  I'd never advise anyone to take on debt but one credit card worth having is the "travel credit card". If you can't get out of the country, travel within it - go on a picnic in Central Park, take in the sights from the top floor of the Hancock building, dance the night away on Ocean Drive - just go! And if you have no idea where any of those places I just mentioned are, then you really need to get to steppin'! 

3. Live alone
One of the best decisions I ever made was purchasing a house by myself.  It doesn't matter if you rent or own, living alone is something every woman should do before getting married. You learn valuable lessons about financial responsibility and best of all, you learn to appreciate your own company.  

4. Eat alone - and often
With most of my friends a 40-minute drive away, I don't always have someone readily available when I'm craving pork empanadas or when I want to treat myself to more than a drive-through meal or curbside take away. Should I wait until someone else's schedule aligns with mine just so I can eat? Heck no! Sometimes I bring a book or magazine, sometimes I just sit and relish the fact that no matter how many couples or families surround me, I'm perfectly okay with eating a meal by myself. I don't feel like a loser because I'm not one and I know that with one call, I could probably find someone to join me...but the best part is that I don't have to. :-)

5. Go to the movies alone - and often
As a teacher, I have a lot of free time in the summer. Sometimes I'll decide in the middle of the afternoon that I want to see a movie when everyone is at work. Soooo what do I do? I go anyway. One ticket, one bucket of popcorn, one large Icee and I am good to go. I even saw "Slumdog Millionaire" on a Saturday night...which some people wouldn't dare to do alone!

6. Date a lot of boys, kiss a lot of frogs
Society has brainwashed women into believing that if we date around, we are just as bad as the players who have broken our hearts.  Newsflash: Being single is all about dating! I always tell women to accept a date with just about any man who asks, so long as he doesn't seem mentally unstable or is a fugitive. Who cares if he isn't your "type"? You don't have to marry him, you're just having dinner or drinks. It won't hurt to spend a few hours of your time with someone new. At the very least, you'll learn one more thing that you want (or don't want) in a partner.


The single life comes with so many freedoms and blessings. Enjoy them all because your life WILL change once you say "I do"!

Have fun!!

Alonna :-)

happily single = happily married?

I was extremely proud when, at 28 years old, I bought a house.

But as always, people had opinions:

I could never live alone.

I can't imagine doing something like that without a husband.

The truth is, I had just ended a long-term relationship with a man who was supposed to be "the one" and I had begun to wonder if I was ever going to get married. Purchasing a home was the first item on my list of Things To Do By Myself "just in case" a husband was not in the cards.

In my early to mid-twenties I was that woman who couldn't fathom doing anything without a man. I went from relationship to relationship, expecting boyfriends to fill a hole that no human could possible seal.

(Thank God I found Him and learned otherwise.)

I cried the first night I slept in my house. It was dark and quiet and I had never lived in a space by myself that occupied more than one level. Laying in bed alone, where a knife-wielding maniac could be roaming around one or two floors under me, was terrifying.

Mixed in with those tears were the other ones I shed because I couldn't believe I had done something so big...so long term...as a single woman.

I was an accomplished basket case.

The first time my toilet leaked through the bathroom floor down to the dining room ceiling, I cried.

The first time I saw a mouse, I cried.

The first time I caught one of those bammas in a trap and had to dispose of it myself, I cried--and slept with the lights on.

I cried on the phone to my mother about how I should not have purchased a home. She listened, as mothers do, then reminded me of Proverbs 10:22 which reads, "The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow to it" (NKJV). God's Word soothed me and I began to look at my situation a lot differently in the months that followed.

I started to really enjoy living alone. I painted the way I wanted, purchased decor without needing a 2nd opinion, stocked the refrigerator to suit me and I didn't have to worry about someone eating "my" stuff...

I fell head over heels, deliriously in love with being by myself.

Fast forward to today.

I'm 32 and getting married in a few months to a wonderful man. But I struggled in the beginning of our relationship because I had to learn how to share my time and my space when he's here. (Will lives in NY.)

I've had boyfriends since moving into my house (I even went back to that ex I mentioned earlier), but I grew to enjoy being single so much that it became hard for me to take someone else into consideration. Once, when Will and I first started dating I became upset because he wanted to visit two weekends in a row. All I wanted to do was eat, watch TV and drink wine in my pajamas for two days, without having to say a word to anyone if I didn't want to.

I was all about "doing me".

There's something almost addictive about the sweet selfishness that comes with being responsible for only you, and no one else...

Soooo...you may be wondering how I'm feeling, now that my blissful singlehood is about to come to an end.

Like I said, Will is a wonderful man and I'm so blessed to have him. I can't WAIT to start a life with him as my husband. The brightest side, though, is that because I have spent so much time alone, I have grown to a place where I know the only reason I am with him is because I WANT to be, not because I NEED to be.

Want = good. Need = bad.

Once he moves in, I know that if he wants to watch TV or play a video game in another room I won't freak out because I am perfectly capable of occupying myself.

And I know that if he stays out late for work or to hang out with his friends, I won't be blowing up his phone wondering where he is, what he's doing, or when he will be home.

If he doesn't want to go shopping with me, that's fine. I like doing that by myself anyway. :-)

If he decides to go to bed early because he's had a hard day, it won't be a problem.

I can see a movie alone, eat in a restaurant alone, work out alone, or go on vacation for a few days with my girls.

I don't need to smother him or throw tantrums when he wants to do things that don't involve me.

I think the key to being genuinely content with another person, is first being genuinely content with oneself.

My boo told me that one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because, "You just seemed so comfortable in your own skin".

That I am.

I am ready to be happily married because I have finally mastered the art of being happily single.

It's a lovely feeling. :-)

xoxo,
Alonna

The Walls

My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.

But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:

"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."

Like I said, I can relate.

Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.

I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.

Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.

Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.

I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.

I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.

Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.

We were giving too much too fast.

Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.

Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.

These days I have taken caution to the next level.

My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.

Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."

That's the bottom line for me.

I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.

I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.

A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.

Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?

Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.

His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?

I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."

Good.

When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.

Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.

My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.

No walls, just wisdom,

Alonna
xoxo

"Why Aren't You Married Yet?" (A commentary on asinine questions)

This post is dedicated to all of the people who are single, and/or who don't have children and are tired of people asking "Why?"

It is also dedicated to all of the married people who don't have children yet or who don't want to have children and are also tired of being asked "Why?"

Finally, a special dedication goes out to my friend, Malaika, who inspired me to write this. :-)

Soooo, I was on facebook the other night when I read my friend's status: Dumbest question of all time: "Why aren't you married yet"? If I knew the answer, maybe I wouldn't still be single. People stop asking this question as all you will get in return is a *blank stare*. LOL.

As someone who is 31, single, and child-less I felt the need to "Like" this status and drop a comment immediately.

I could feel her frustration because I have often been asked this question as well. It is usually asked by older people (especially family), married people, or singles who are younger than I.

I always want to reply, "None of your business" (insert an expletive between "your" and "business") but I usually say, "I haven't met the right man yet."

And this is true.

I could have married two or three wrong boyfriends years ago, but by now I may be a member of the ever growing, "I am divorced" or "I hate my spouse" clubs.

Not trying to do that.

I could have had some babies, but by now I may be a member of the "My baby daddy never pays his child support or sees his children" club.

Nope, not trying to do that either.

Soooo, here I am single and child-less.

And extremely content, may I add.

My friend Will, who's 31 and single (with 2 children) told me that 30 isn't what it used to be twenty or thirty years ago. "Thirty is really young," he said.

And I agree with him.

I am young. If 30 is the end of the road, my goodness, a lot of us are screwed.

Some of us didn't really start coming into our own until we turned 30 and boy, do we look at life a lot differently than we did five or ten years ago.

Asking someone "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" is like asking a Black person, "Why is your skin dark?" or asking a man, "Why do you have a penis?" The only ways to respond to these questions are with blank stares, as Malaika stated.

These questions are stupid because not all people want to get married or have children. And those that do, aren't going to do it just for the sake of changing their titles to "Mrs." or "Mommy."

Being single is not a bad thing. Nor is not having children. And the fact that one has delayed marriage or parenthood does not mean that something is wrong with that person. I am amazed that being divorced or being a baby mama or daddy is more acceptable than the alternatives. You are a complete and total idiot if you judge someone and believe this. Sorry, but you are.

BY NO MEANS, am I knocking anyone who is married or who has children and although I certainly want these things as well, I am A-OK with living my life as a single woman until I meet my lifelong mate.

I know happily married people. That is wonderful - confetti, balloons, rice, birdseed and all of that to you... hope to be just like ya one day. But I also know frustrated married people who are always fighting or who are on their way to divorce. I know complacent married people who have problems in their marriages but are too tired to fix them. I know mothers who are doing all of the work raising children while the fathers slack off. I know bratty little boys and girls who make my uterus contract every time I'm around them because they are under disciplined and overindulged. I know couples who want everyone to think they are "Mr. and Mrs. Married" but who don't talk to each other civilly or make love once they are behind closed doors.

I will pass...until the time is right, that is.

In the meantime, I am focusing on getting myself together so that I am ready when I meet my future husband. I will focus on making sure that I am coming to the table with more than just good looks or financial security. I want to make sure that I am coming with respect, integrity, strength, honesty, individuality, an ability to communicate effectively and a promise to always pray for and uplift my husband and our children. Being a Godly wife and mother is no easy task and I don't want to half-step it because I rushed into something without thinking.

I am also focusing on doing me. I am enjoying my own company, traveling and partying a bit with my friends. I like not having to cook when I don't want to, I love spending my money any way that I choose, and there is nothing better than being able to roll out and do whatever I want at a moment's notice. I want to get some things out of my system because, let's face it, when the husband and the children arrive, many of those luxuries will be on pause temporarily, if not forever.

I have heard men and women express regret over not waiting to marry or having their children. They wish that they had dated more, traveled more, and experienced more before settling down.

You have to know who are you are before you can give yourself completely to another human being.

You can't expect a husband or a child to complete your life. You will be devastated should any of those relationships change due to death, distance or separation.

As I approached the end of my twenties, I was overwhelmed with dread that I was not a wife or a mother, but I've learned that everything will happen on God's time.

I'm good with that.

So when people ask me, "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" I don't mind answering, "Because it's not time yet."

And if your response is, "Because I just don't want to," that is freakin' OK as well.

People should really mind their bi'ness.

:-)

Be content with where God has you,

Alonna

Do People DATE Anymore?

I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.

I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".

Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.

I'm over it.

I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.

Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".

Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.

I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.

When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"

*BLANK STARE*

The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?

Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.

He said he was fine with that...

I don't know what's going to happen there.

Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.

I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."

A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.

Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.

Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...

Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?

I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.

Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.

Do people DATE anymore?

I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.

Is it really worth all of that?

I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.

Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.

Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.

Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.

Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.

But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.

And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.

You sound L-O-C-O.

And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.

Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...

Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!

And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.

If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.

If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.

Just date.

And date.

And date.

And date...

Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)

Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.

And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...

Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.


All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna

The Negotiables

I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.

I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."

Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.

No one is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.

Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.

So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.

First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.

Now, on to the negotiables...

Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...

In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.

It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.

It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.

Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)

It's okay if he's the same height as you.

It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.

It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.

That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.

Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?

Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:

1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.

You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.

People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.

Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.

Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.

Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."

I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?

What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?

What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?

What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?

Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?

I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.

Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?

Nuff said.

Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.

Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.

I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."

Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.

But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.

Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.

Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)

If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.

I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.


Love and Happiness!

Alonna

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

Why I Will Never Propose to a Man

I bought my house as a single woman. I know how to check the oil in my car and I can change a wax ring on a toilet. I can caulk windows, cut the grass, and kill mice (although I cry when I see them). I pay my bills on time. I work hard at my full time career and at my side hustle to support my shoe fetish and eating out habit. I'm very much an "independent woman" and I like being this way. I'm not so independent though, that I make statements like, "Women don't need men," nor do I actually want to BE a man - especially when I am in a relationship.

To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.

I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.

Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.

Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.

God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...

My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.

The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?

I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)

Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?

I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.

But that's just me! ;-)

Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,

Alonna

Why Married People Annoy Me!

Let me preface this by saying, this post is all in good fun, so don't get offended and get your panties in a bunch if you're married. Now, if any of these sound like you, well, then you just may need to change...tee hee. Seriously, though, don't get mad. :-)


Marriage was created by God so it is a beautiful thing, but some married people get on my n-e-r-v-e-s! And here's why:



1. No matter how busted their relationship was before, as soon as they get married, they become marriage experts.
Y'all dated for 15 years, broke up 35 times and have only been married for 6 months, yet you want to tell me what I'M doing wrong? OMG. SITDOWN.

2. Once they have children, that's all they talk about.
I love children and hope to pop out a few one day, but if every, single conversation we have is about little Johnny making a poop in the potty or little Susie's diaper rash, I'm not calling you as much. Read a magazine, turn on the news, get some other topics please! Oh, and if you are one of those parents who puts a 1 year old on the phone to "talk", you are a bamma and your friends have asked me to tell you to stop! That shiggity is annoying!

3. They don't have sex.
Soooo, as someone who's finally trying to be celibate and honor God, (yes, I'm telling you all of my business) I can't stand when I hear married people say they haven't been intimate in weeks, months, years...what is the problem?! Aint nothing making you that tired every single day where you can't have sex with your husband or wife. And if there is, you might wanna get a pill for that ASAP. Single people aren't supposed to have sex, married people don't want to have sex, this does not seem fair!!!!!

4. They say things like, "Don't worry you will find someone...one day," or, "I am soooo glad I don't have to date anymore because it's rough out there."
Gee, thanks. Single people who want to get married love to hear comments like those. Have you considered becoming a motivational speaker? Better yet, you should take your positivity on the road. Why don't you fly on over to Africa and eat cheeseburgers in front of starving women and children?


5. They are always trying hook you up as if being single is a sickness.
Furthermore, please tell me why the hook ups are always with the most REject people they know? Listen: being single is not a horrible thing and I'd rather remain that way than date your cousin Clayvon. Clayvon has issues.

6. They expect you to sympathize with their dumb, petty fights.
If the worst thing your wife does is burn the rice, consider yourself lucky and please shut the heck up.

7. They act like they can't do anything separate from their spouses.
Your friends want you to come out to see Sex and the City 2 but you want to go with your husband?!! WHY?!! He can't remember Carrie from Samantha from Charlotte from Miranda. He doesn't understand why we cried when Carrie broke Aidan's heart BOTH times. He doesn't get why we were all plotting Big's death and he doesn't care! Leave that man at home and go out with your girls!!!

8. They talk as though married life is the only thing in the world and if you don't want to get married or aren't married yet, something is wrong with you.
The divorce rate is high for a reason - marriage is hard and it isn't for everyone. Single people everywhere rejoice over the fact that we have waited each time we hear about another dysfunctional, divorcing married couple.

OR ON THE FLIP SIDE...

9. They make marriage sound like it is terrible.
"Don't ever get married," some of them say. Wow. I'm sure your spouse would love to hear that. Why DID you get married if it's so bad? Some don't know if they want to be married or single...make up your mind! The Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8).


10. They say things like, "My life just wasn't complete 'til I married Jermaine."
Really??? You should come to your marriage as complete and as whole as can be or you will have problems. No HUMAN can complete you and even the most perfect person for you will disappoint and hurt you from time to time. If you're looking for completion, look to GOD.


11. As soon as they get divorced they start blowing up their single friends' phones trying to go out.
Umm, where ya been bamma? Oh, NOW you can hang?! LOL! And how about the ones who get mad when you don't wanna go to the club with them?! Single people don't party every night and not all single peeps go clubbing either. Not all of us are constantly on the prowl...some of us are, dare I say it? Happily single?? ;-)


Haaaa!!!

Keep your rings on people!


Love ya!
Alonna

DON'T DATE THIS MAN!!!

Dating can be fun, but it can also be brutal and feel like a waste of time. Think about those occasions when you realized you got all dressed up to hang out with a buster. Ladies, print this list and keep it in your purse so you can critique all of the men you meet from now on! If any of these guys approach you, DO NOT give out your number! :-)


1. The Metrosexual
He dresses well - knows about complementing colors, not just matching, girl. He likes fine wine and keeps his mani and pedi FRESH every two weeks...is he gay? Maybe. A lot of hetero men who are THAT put together have a woman in their lives guiding them through the fashion, cuisine and hygiene worlds. You can always tell when a straight man is not in a relationship. He may be clean, nicely dressed and well spoken but something is always a tad bit off. Why does he have on white sweat socks with black dress shoes? or Why is he wearing those tacky sunglasses? or Why aren't his nails a little bit cleaner? Cuz he's STRAIGHT! Lol. If a man is so fresh and so clean and so perfect ALL the time he may be GAY. Keep him in your cell but file him under "friend".


2. The Baby Baby Baby Daddy
Today, it is almost impossible to meet someone who DOES NOT have children. I've learned that excluding men based on the fact that they are fathers isn't fair and can cause you to miss out on some really great guys. Soooo, I'm open to dating a baby daddy. HOWEVER, if he has 3+ kids by 3+ baby mommas, you need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is irresponsible and has commitment issues. Mark my words.


3. The Guy with the Substance Abuse Problem
There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, but the guy who gets s--t faced EVERY TIME y'all hang out has a problem. If he talks more enthusiastically about getting drunk than he does about seeing you, that's your clue to roll. My girlfriend told me about a guy who drank so much on their date that an ambulance had to be called because he had alcohol poisoning!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!! And drugs...do I really need to go there? People will argue that having a joint here and there is harmless. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, but I will say that someone who gets high everyday or multiple times a week is a...umm, weedhead. If he's always high, do you even know the real him?


4. The Cheapskate
He never wants to pay, but you know he's making a good salary? Only takes you to restaurants where you have to drive up in your car to place the order? Just buys the "necessities"? Fusses about going to the movies because he says it's a rip off? He's cheap. Give it some time, ask a few questions to find out why he's that way, but be prepared to move on. Who wants to live like that...working hard but never enjoying life?


5. The Angry Man
He flips out and gives the finger to every motorist who won't let him merge; screams at the waitress because she added a lemon wedge to the water; wants to argue with everyone, including you, about every...single...thing. Anger management issues much? Dump him immediately. Seriously, a guy this tightly wound has the potential to be physically and/or verbally abusive.


6. The Punk
Ahh, he seems wonderful at first. Always goes with your flow, never complains, never has a problem, never raises his voice....you never, ever argue. Why doesn't this man have an opinion? Furthermore, why didn't he open his mouth when that guy cut in front of you in line at the grocery store? Easy going is great; soft is not. Dismissed!


7. The Athlete or The Entertainer
This is going to cause some controversy but I don't care! I was watching "Basketball Wives" and one of them said that there is a 4% success rate for NBA marriages...I wonder why?? It doesn't matter if he played college, semi-pro, pro, a head coach, assistant coach, singing in a hole in the wall, or has 3 albums under his belt, he will think he is the shiz-nit. I have dated and have encountered some straight up DOGS under this category...I could write a book. When everything is handed to you, when women fawn all over you and you get what you want, when you want it...do you ever really appreciate anything? Maybe when you find Jesus or when you grow up...I'm not sure.


8. The Dummy
Can't find the U.S. on a world map; has no conversation -- ever...does this man even know that we have a Black president? Your IQ is dropping just by being in the same room as this man.


9. The Underachiever
He is perfectly content living with Mama until she passes away and leaves the house to him. He's been at the same job since he was 21 and has no interest in advancing - did I mention he's 40 now? He doesn't understand why you have a passport or why you actually want to SEE this big, beautiful world? After all, he's never traveled far from Maryland, DC, or Virginia. Seriously? Underachievers usually become, if they're not already, haters. They don't understand why you want more and constantly scoff at your dreams.


10. The "High" Chaser
He's never satisfied unless he has something new or is going somewhere. He can never be content with things "as is" and is always complaining about being unfulfilled or bored. Life sucks when he's not on the move. Eventually, he's going to look at you and want something "else". Leave him before he leaves you "high" and dry!


11. The Perpetrator
You thought he was so fly when you first met. He was handsome, funny, and charming. He claimed to know the finest people, eat in the finest restaurants, wear the finest clothes...but the suit he wore on date #1 is the same suit he wore on dates 3, 5, 8, and 10. He doesn't have much but wants you to think he has plenty. Now, everyone can't ball and every baller ain't what he seems (see #7) but why does dude always LIE to impress you and others? He's clearly insecure and although it may seem cute at first that he wants your approval, nobody wants to talk about labels and salaries and celebrity friends throughout every meal! Stop name dropping, homie. Your car is slick but the note is killing you and your apartment doesn't have any furniture in it!!! Get your self-esteem up! And while you're at it, why don't you try actually achieving some of those skills you lied about on your resume?

12. The Young Buck
Aww...he's so cute and hot diggity dang - he doesn't have a baby mama!!! You caught a glimpse of his muscles and almost fainted on the spot - yeah, it's true, the old heads just aren't keeping themselves up anymore. Soooo ok, he's fine, but he's also immature. He thinks dressing up is wearing black jeans, wants to borrow against his 401K to buy Christmas gifts and he doesn't know what brunch is. Dating him is fun at first, but then it gets super annoying. Give him one more goooooooooooood kiss and cut him loose.


I may be adding to this list as I move about town!!! :-)

Alonna