The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

Why Bitterness is NOT an Option

Last week I was mad.

No, scratch that.

Last week I was PISSED off.

After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.

I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."

It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.

After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.

I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.

I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.

I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.

I've caught all of them in lies.

I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.

I am not perfect.

I have made a TON of mistakes.

I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.

You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."

I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.

I know how to apologize.

I am learning how to choose my battles.

I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.

My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.

I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.

I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.

I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...

I have seen horrible women marry great men.

I have seen horrible men marry great women.

I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.

I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.

And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.

No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.

But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.

Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.

But don't get me wrong...

I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.

And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.

But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!

I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!

Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.

It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.

I know I am.

But bitterness is not an option for me.

Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.

With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.

It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).

And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.

Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.



Keep the faith,

Alonna