Why Bitterness is NOT an Option

Last week I was mad.

No, scratch that.

Last week I was PISSED off.

After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.

I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."

It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.

After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.

I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.

I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.

I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.

I've caught all of them in lies.

I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.

I am not perfect.

I have made a TON of mistakes.

I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.

You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."

I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.

I know how to apologize.

I am learning how to choose my battles.

I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.

My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.

I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.

I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.

I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...

I have seen horrible women marry great men.

I have seen horrible men marry great women.

I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.

I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.

And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.

No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.

But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.

Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.

But don't get me wrong...

I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.

And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.

But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!

I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!

Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.

It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.

I know I am.

But bitterness is not an option for me.

Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.

With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.

It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).

And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.

Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.



Keep the faith,

Alonna