A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:
1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?
I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?
Does love really conquer ALL?
How important is sex in a marriage?
I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...
Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.
I'm not a virgin.
Nope.
Far from it.
Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.
Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!
Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.
But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?
If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?
My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.
Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!
God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!
In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."
I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.
I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...
I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.
For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!
I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.
Now, on the other hand...
There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.
So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?
I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?
What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??
I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Alonna
**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)
Very good thought-provoking post. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers either...all I know is patience and faith in God really plays a part in both topics. Yes God does know your heart and desires, but waiting is key. You just have to remind yourself that "HE is always on time".
ReplyDeleteBTW, I can't wait to have lots of sex w/ my husband...lots of it :)
A man is not going too long without having sex!
ReplyDeleteI agree that sex is important. I don't know the answers to how to deal with sexual incompatibility, however, I can give you some insight a few of those questions.
ReplyDelete1. Why marriages become sexless... I can't speak for ALL married ppl, but in some situations the explanation is simple. Sex for men & women are different. For women its more than just the physical act. I believe its more emotional than physical. In my opinion, alot of women become sexless wives, due to being emotionally deprived or neglected. When a woman is not being fulfilled emotionally by her man, it increasingly becomes difficult to desire that intimacy. Many men complain about women falling off in the sex department after marriage, but what they are NOT saying is they themselves are falling off in a plethura of areas within the marriage that directly contribute to the problem. Lack of quality time, not supportive, no longer courting her or doing those little things they did to get her, emotional abuse, putting her down (i.e. complaining & comparing her post-baby body to women they "know" or see on tv), have more time for friends & hobbies than her, lack of communication, no help with the kids or around the house, are self-centered around their wants & desires, forgetting or not caring that their wives also have wants & desires, etc. and the kicker is that most of these men are typically selfish in the bedroom as well. (Thats that BS right there!) There is so much more I can add.. All of which will make you emotionally unattractive to your wife. When the woman tries to resolve things, she is generally dismissed or accused of nagging.
2. Sex after kids... this again by no means speaks for every mom, but as a mom who thrives on that intimacy... I love you Alonna boo, but having kids for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week means we can definitely relate in many areas, but its not the same as having your own! Your kids go home after 3. You then have all the time in the world to rest up and get re-energized for your midnight sex rendevous. LMAO. However, when they are yours... completely different ball game. As a mom your day begins at the crack of dawn and generally does not end until 9 or 10 easily. Especially with young ones. From waking up, dressing, grooming, feeding, disciplining, gettin them back & forth to school & activities, homework, play time, feeding, bathing and bedtime rituals, you barely have enough time to BLINK let alone try to fit in sex. In my experience, by the time I actually sat down for the night, I would INSTANTLY fall into an involuntary coma! LOL. It had nothing to do with not wanting sex, because I really did! But the exhaustion sets in, your body shuts down and you are out for the count before you even know what hit you. Not saying its impossible to have sex. Honestly it calls for a lot of creativity, spontaneity, and most of all understanding (on the man's part) that sometimes... it just aint gonna happen. LOL But again, some of this responsibility falls on the man. Women playing the role of superwoman, with a man at home is played out! Women take on the majority responsibilities when it comes to the kids, the household, and in today's generation... all while working a full-time 9-5. If more men pitched in and SHARED the load, the outcome would be drastically different. But the reality is they dont. Many men have that old-school selfish mentality that its the womans JOB to do all these things. They are completely content with her working, coming home to tend to the children and the house, playing chauffer with all the activities & events, while EXPECTING her to also tend to his wants and needs...all the while, he has done NOTHING. If he instead cut that Madden game off, parked that motorcycle, or put that beer bottle down and showed his appreciation by letting her sit down or take a bath while he helps with homework, dinner, or bedtime rituals, the issue might rather be trying to keep her off for 2 seconds so he can get his 2nd wind! Thats just my 50 cents! LOL
Thanks for the responses guys!!
ReplyDeleteBut to clarify, my post isn't really about all the reasons why someone doesn't have sex; it's more about couples who are ok in all the areas but sex. Having a neglectful partner who doesn't take care of responsibilities is a whole 'nother topic - maybe we can put that on the show Zee! (lol). Do u stay if the love/companionship is great but the sex isn't good or is non-existent? That's really the question I'm asking. And I didn't downplay how having ur own kids wears u out. I said that from being with kids all day, I see how having kids is exhausting, but u still can't neglect ur spouse. U have to compromise and find a way to make it work. And SN to the parents with small kids: they need to go to bed at a decent time if u want quality time. If parents allow young kids who need supervision to be up late late with them, then yeah aint nobody gettn busy.
Oh I didn't think you were downplaying it at all. Just saying its easier said than done. I certainly agree that kids should have a decent bed time, but there is still work after that and then you have to move on to yourself. LOL. It can become overwhelming so fast. Girl I am READY for the show! Its going to be the bomb! LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd to answer whether you stay or go if everything is good... I say stay. Some things can be taught and learned. And if your partner really loves you, he/she will be attentive and eager to find out what pleases you. The learning process and trying out different things can add a whole other spice to the relationship and can also be fun!
In the words of MC Breed, "I gotta get mine, you gotta get yours!"LMBO..........."Truth is, no two people are completely compatible. We have to learn to become one. That means we may have to make sacrifices; we may have to overlook some things. We must be willing to compromise for the good of the relationship because the perfect spouse does not exist." Now being that I just scolded my students for plagiarism, I cannot take credit for this. My good friend Joel Osteen said it but, I could not have said it better myself (I hope I still have a spot on the show boo lol). Truth is we all have our downfalls...yes WE ALL!!!!! It is up to us (husband, wife, and GOD) to make it work. Did you know that Prayer changes things? I am not talking about " lord help my husband to be more emotionally supportive and stop complaining so I will want to have sex with him more", how about Lord,I ask that you help my husband become the man that you would have him to be and help ME to become the person that I need to be for my family...that covers the wife, mother, teacher, friend, cook, housekeeper, lady in the street, freak in the bed, disciplinarian, cow (for breastfeeding mothers)lol, playmate, lover, dirty nasty whore (for the married people of course) and GOD fearing, Christian woman. Sex is very important, even though we are tired amongst other things, we need to make time. We always have time to encounter negativity, why not have time for a pleasurable experience to put your mind at ease. If only for a small amount of time, to think about nothing and let your body experience pure bliss...ask for so head or give some. Tell your boo you only have two dollars and he/she needs to make it rain! The saying is so true "What you won't do somebody else will." So maybe we/I need to remember that next time we can't remember the last time that we were intimate with our mate.
ReplyDeleteHolla Back!!!!!!!
At the end of the day a communicative relationship will equal out to sex because if it's expressed it will be dealt with, no matter the circumstances. If someone's spouse refuses or uses it as some type of brute force object to 'win' that person might want to either reconsider or not be surprised with divorce papers.
ReplyDeleteTwo people committed to each other will have their ups and downs but at the end of the day that commitment should balance things out. Personally I think society's mirage of what a marriage is supposed to be can ruin it for both sexes (I'm a man) when one or both partners shoot for a dream-like concept when reality comes in 3D without stage makeup on.
You can listen to your single friends when they tell you what they want in a spouse and it's like someone handed them a cue card.
Example from some of my female friends: Good Job, Good Money, Handsome, Takes her out and treats her like a lady. What's wrong with that list? She never seemed to think about if he listened or not or if they have great communication or if they're simply friends. In order for a guy to achieve that he'd need to work his but off (tired when he gets home), take her out frequently (more expenses = more work and time away from home) etc. The same can go for a guy's concept of what he wants in a female. A marriage is a contract between two people so those people should rework that contract as many times as is necessary to keep it working and not let outside influences force them into unhappiness.
Thanks for the comments Ty and Anonymous! You both made some really good points.
ReplyDeleteMy pastor recently did a sermon on this very topic. It was a part of his "Effective Love" series in which he discussed the 5 Love Languages.
ReplyDeleteEach individual has one or more specific unique ways that they speak (receive) love:
[excerpt from http://www.5lovelanguages.com]
1) Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2) Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3) Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4) Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5) Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
(My pastor had FIVE parts to his sermon series. Each part of the sermon series focused on one of the long languages, so it took 5 Sundays to discuss all of each individual language).
(cont'd)