Love or Sex?

A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:

1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?

I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?

Does love really conquer ALL?

How important is sex in a marriage?

I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...

Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.

I'm not a virgin.

Nope.

Far from it.

Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.

Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!

Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.

But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?

If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?

My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.

Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!

God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!

In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."

I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.

I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...

I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.

For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!

I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.

Now, on the other hand...

There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.

So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?

I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?

What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??

I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Alonna


**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)