Brainwashed

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. ~ G. Steinem

I was watching one of my guilty pleasures, Love & Hip Hop and was blown when Chrissy Lampkin proposed to her long time boyfriend, rapper Jim Jones.

Gave that man a custom-made, blinged out ring.

Oh yeah, and it cost 12 Gs.

Oh, AND she said that she'd pretty much spent all of her money on it. 

Siiiiiigh.

Where do I even begin?

Women want to be pampered and put on pedestals. "Treat me like a lady," we say. We also want the option to flourish and exist completely separate from a man. "I'm independent and don't need a man," we also say.

Sometimes I understand why dudes are so confused. 

Which one is it? We can't have it both ways.

Chrissy said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. Her message to women? "Go 'head y'all keep waiting. I'ma get what I want".

If you watched the dynamics of their relationship play out on TV, you know that what she's actually getting is the short end of the stick.

They have been dating for six years and are shackin' up. As far as I can tell, their money is separate (I could be wrong). And even after she gave him the ring, he wouldn't discuss wedding plans. When Chrissy told Jim that she would leave if their engagement lasted too long he replied, "Just take the dog with you too."

Talk about writing on the wall.

Like most women, I'm sure Chrissy blames "love" for her lack of wisdom.

Poor love.

It gets the worst rap. It seems so selfish and so...well, stupid.

We always fault love when we are not thinking clearly. "The heart wants what it wants," we whine. "Love is blind," we declare.

Blind indeed.

But is it "love" that causes you to propose to a man who, after six years of living with you and sleeping with you, has shown no interest in officially taking you off the market?

Maybe Jim Jones doesn't want to marry Chrissy. Or anyone for that matter...and that's surely his prerogative. But shouldn't he just say that instead of dangling the illusion of commitment in front of her? And isn't Chrissy old enough to read the signs that if a man has not proposed and married her in six years, he isn't serious about ever committing?

Society has brainwashed women into believing that it's okay to chase men who don't step up to the plate. Magazines tell us that there is a man shortage (especially in the Black community) which causes us to commit desperate, reckless actions.

It is a myth that men don't know what they want. Those who stall or drag their feet are just trying to think of a way to escape with minimal drama. Don't make excuses and don't give men like this a pass for hurting your feelings or leading you on. Pay attention and move on.

I was in a relationship with a man for five years. After two major break ups, years of arguing, crying, acting crazy (me, of course) and months of pre-marital counseling, the brother still couldn't buy a ring and set a date.

I left.

He made every excuse in the world for why we weren't moving forward but at the end of the day, that's all they were: EXCUSES.

He wasn't ready. Or maybe he just didn't want to marry me. I wish that he had told the truth but since he couldn't, I had to make a decision that was best for Alonna.

I did not wait it out because "a good man is hard to find".

I did not put my house on the market and force myself into his. 

I did not buy a ring and twist his arm into committing.

If you are a "good" woman and the man you're with doesn't recognize it, leave.

God has something else for you.

I'm not saying that it won't hurt or that it won't be painful. I second-guessed my decision many, many times, especially when each relationship after him was a disaster.

But you have to get to the point where your self-worth outweighs all of the "love" you have for a man. You have to get the point where your time, your heart and your spirit are precious gifts that you will not waste on just anybody.

I'm getting married in 47 days. Our wedding is taking place on the one year anniversary of the day we met.

He brought up commitment, then marriage first. He proposed. He wanted to get married a few months ago.

He knew he had a good thing and was ready to lock it down. (tee hee) ;-)

Some people may say that knowing a man for a year is not "long enough" to know that you want to marry him.

I say that once you've been through some things, with God's help, you can tell in less than six months whether or not someone is temporary or permanent.

I will also say that if marriage is something that's in your heart, you should never give up what you want just because the current man in your life is not ready.

Don't let men, magazines or even your friends and family brainwash you into believing that you should take who and what you can get, any way you can get it.

Speaking of friends and family...surround yourself with people who have sense. Not once did Olivia question Chrissy's reasons for proposing. Not once did she point out the role that men play as leaders in the household and that if he can't lead with something like marriage, he certainly will be unable to lead with finances, child-rearing or anything else significant.

It was the blind leading the blind. And you know what Jesus said about that: "If one blind person guides another, they will both fall into a ditch." (Matthew 15:14).

Hot mess.

You have ONE life.

Don't spend it waiting on anyone.

Hugs,
Alonna

Let Him Lead

I want to start this post by saying that I think relationships should be 100/100, not "50/50" as the saying goes.

You're either all in, or you're not in at all.

With that being said, experience has taught me that the man needs to first demonstrate that he is all in if the relationship is actually going to go somewhere.

The "typical" woman has been dreaming about her wedding day since puberty.  The venue, the dress, the shoes, the rings...the picture is vividly painted in her mind.

The "typical" man is different. He won't genuinely start thinking about marriage until he's been around the block a few times to see for himself that the "grass" pretty much looks the same in every neighborhood.

Or until all of his boys are married. 

Men don't fantasize about their tuxes or about how much their diamonds will sparkle in the light. But they do imagine how their home cooked meals will taste and how many times they will get laid each week.

Mars and Venus indeed.

Because of these differences, I always advise women to hold their cards close for as long as they can. I don't mean that we should be nasty or aloof and distant, but don't jump out the window, giving everything you have (as we naturally do) until you see that the man you care about is standing on that ledge next to you.

In the beginning, he should be initiating the date requests and the majority of the phone calls.

He should be the first to bring up exclusivity and commitment.

He should be first to say, "I want you to meet my mother..." (or father, auntie, Big Mama, whoever!)

Women are always ready to do these things. We YEARN to do these things. But to do so before a guy has proven that he is capable of giving you what you want is emotional suicide.

Steve Harvey said something to women has stuck in my head: "Only give what you get, until you are getting what you want..."

Don't make excuses or extend undeserved grace to a man who is falling short. "If I give it some more time, he'll come around..." Women who think that men need more time to express their emotions have been bamboozled. 

The Bible says, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22). The man should be finding the woman, not the other way around. It's in their DNA to pursue. Like Usher sang, he should be looking for you "in the daytime with a flashlight".

When a man is ready, he will not play games. He will not lie or mislead. He will not keep his distance. He will not avoid conversations about marriage and family. In fact, he will initiate those conversations. His heart will be open--wide open.

Unfortunately by this time, he has also probably hurt and/or passed up at least five other great potentials, but the fact is, he just wasn't ready for any of them.

Many women have experienced this. We date a man for years, invest mucho time, hoping that it's going somewhere, but the relationship ends.  Then BAM! in a year or less we hear that homeboy has married someone else.

Cue the music for Vesta's "Congratulations".  Makes you wanna holler, doesn't it?

Don't holler for too long though. He's not "yours" if he ends up with someone else. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry, settle down, pop out some babies and live happily ever after. But do it with someone who wants to do it too. Clubbing someone over the head and dragging him down the aisle will hurt everyone involved. Nagging, whining and hanging on until he "comes around" will only hurt YOU.

Let him lead.

XOXO,
Alonna

"Why Aren't You Married Yet?" (A commentary on asinine questions)

This post is dedicated to all of the people who are single, and/or who don't have children and are tired of people asking "Why?"

It is also dedicated to all of the married people who don't have children yet or who don't want to have children and are also tired of being asked "Why?"

Finally, a special dedication goes out to my friend, Malaika, who inspired me to write this. :-)

Soooo, I was on facebook the other night when I read my friend's status: Dumbest question of all time: "Why aren't you married yet"? If I knew the answer, maybe I wouldn't still be single. People stop asking this question as all you will get in return is a *blank stare*. LOL.

As someone who is 31, single, and child-less I felt the need to "Like" this status and drop a comment immediately.

I could feel her frustration because I have often been asked this question as well. It is usually asked by older people (especially family), married people, or singles who are younger than I.

I always want to reply, "None of your business" (insert an expletive between "your" and "business") but I usually say, "I haven't met the right man yet."

And this is true.

I could have married two or three wrong boyfriends years ago, but by now I may be a member of the ever growing, "I am divorced" or "I hate my spouse" clubs.

Not trying to do that.

I could have had some babies, but by now I may be a member of the "My baby daddy never pays his child support or sees his children" club.

Nope, not trying to do that either.

Soooo, here I am single and child-less.

And extremely content, may I add.

My friend Will, who's 31 and single (with 2 children) told me that 30 isn't what it used to be twenty or thirty years ago. "Thirty is really young," he said.

And I agree with him.

I am young. If 30 is the end of the road, my goodness, a lot of us are screwed.

Some of us didn't really start coming into our own until we turned 30 and boy, do we look at life a lot differently than we did five or ten years ago.

Asking someone "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" is like asking a Black person, "Why is your skin dark?" or asking a man, "Why do you have a penis?" The only ways to respond to these questions are with blank stares, as Malaika stated.

These questions are stupid because not all people want to get married or have children. And those that do, aren't going to do it just for the sake of changing their titles to "Mrs." or "Mommy."

Being single is not a bad thing. Nor is not having children. And the fact that one has delayed marriage or parenthood does not mean that something is wrong with that person. I am amazed that being divorced or being a baby mama or daddy is more acceptable than the alternatives. You are a complete and total idiot if you judge someone and believe this. Sorry, but you are.

BY NO MEANS, am I knocking anyone who is married or who has children and although I certainly want these things as well, I am A-OK with living my life as a single woman until I meet my lifelong mate.

I know happily married people. That is wonderful - confetti, balloons, rice, birdseed and all of that to you... hope to be just like ya one day. But I also know frustrated married people who are always fighting or who are on their way to divorce. I know complacent married people who have problems in their marriages but are too tired to fix them. I know mothers who are doing all of the work raising children while the fathers slack off. I know bratty little boys and girls who make my uterus contract every time I'm around them because they are under disciplined and overindulged. I know couples who want everyone to think they are "Mr. and Mrs. Married" but who don't talk to each other civilly or make love once they are behind closed doors.

I will pass...until the time is right, that is.

In the meantime, I am focusing on getting myself together so that I am ready when I meet my future husband. I will focus on making sure that I am coming to the table with more than just good looks or financial security. I want to make sure that I am coming with respect, integrity, strength, honesty, individuality, an ability to communicate effectively and a promise to always pray for and uplift my husband and our children. Being a Godly wife and mother is no easy task and I don't want to half-step it because I rushed into something without thinking.

I am also focusing on doing me. I am enjoying my own company, traveling and partying a bit with my friends. I like not having to cook when I don't want to, I love spending my money any way that I choose, and there is nothing better than being able to roll out and do whatever I want at a moment's notice. I want to get some things out of my system because, let's face it, when the husband and the children arrive, many of those luxuries will be on pause temporarily, if not forever.

I have heard men and women express regret over not waiting to marry or having their children. They wish that they had dated more, traveled more, and experienced more before settling down.

You have to know who are you are before you can give yourself completely to another human being.

You can't expect a husband or a child to complete your life. You will be devastated should any of those relationships change due to death, distance or separation.

As I approached the end of my twenties, I was overwhelmed with dread that I was not a wife or a mother, but I've learned that everything will happen on God's time.

I'm good with that.

So when people ask me, "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" I don't mind answering, "Because it's not time yet."

And if your response is, "Because I just don't want to," that is freakin' OK as well.

People should really mind their bi'ness.

:-)

Be content with where God has you,

Alonna

The Negotiables

I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.

I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."

Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.

No one is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.

Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.

So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.

First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.

Now, on to the negotiables...

Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...

In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.

It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.

It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.

Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)

It's okay if he's the same height as you.

It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.

It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.

That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.

Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?

Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:

1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.

You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.

People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.

Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.

Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.

Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."

I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?

What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?

What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?

What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?

Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?

I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.

Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?

Nuff said.

Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.

Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.

I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."

Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.

But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.

Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.

Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)

If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.

I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.


Love and Happiness!

Alonna

Love or Sex?

A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:

1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?

I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?

Does love really conquer ALL?

How important is sex in a marriage?

I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...

Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.

I'm not a virgin.

Nope.

Far from it.

Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.

Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!

Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.

But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?

If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?

My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.

Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!

God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!

In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."

I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.

I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...

I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.

For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!

I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.

Now, on the other hand...

There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.

So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?

I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?

What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??

I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

Alonna


**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)

Why I Will Never Propose to a Man

I bought my house as a single woman. I know how to check the oil in my car and I can change a wax ring on a toilet. I can caulk windows, cut the grass, and kill mice (although I cry when I see them). I pay my bills on time. I work hard at my full time career and at my side hustle to support my shoe fetish and eating out habit. I'm very much an "independent woman" and I like being this way. I'm not so independent though, that I make statements like, "Women don't need men," nor do I actually want to BE a man - especially when I am in a relationship.

To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.

I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.

Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.

Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.

God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...

My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.

The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?

I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)

Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?

I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.

But that's just me! ;-)

Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,

Alonna

Why Married People Annoy Me!

Let me preface this by saying, this post is all in good fun, so don't get offended and get your panties in a bunch if you're married. Now, if any of these sound like you, well, then you just may need to change...tee hee. Seriously, though, don't get mad. :-)


Marriage was created by God so it is a beautiful thing, but some married people get on my n-e-r-v-e-s! And here's why:



1. No matter how busted their relationship was before, as soon as they get married, they become marriage experts.
Y'all dated for 15 years, broke up 35 times and have only been married for 6 months, yet you want to tell me what I'M doing wrong? OMG. SITDOWN.

2. Once they have children, that's all they talk about.
I love children and hope to pop out a few one day, but if every, single conversation we have is about little Johnny making a poop in the potty or little Susie's diaper rash, I'm not calling you as much. Read a magazine, turn on the news, get some other topics please! Oh, and if you are one of those parents who puts a 1 year old on the phone to "talk", you are a bamma and your friends have asked me to tell you to stop! That shiggity is annoying!

3. They don't have sex.
Soooo, as someone who's finally trying to be celibate and honor God, (yes, I'm telling you all of my business) I can't stand when I hear married people say they haven't been intimate in weeks, months, years...what is the problem?! Aint nothing making you that tired every single day where you can't have sex with your husband or wife. And if there is, you might wanna get a pill for that ASAP. Single people aren't supposed to have sex, married people don't want to have sex, this does not seem fair!!!!!

4. They say things like, "Don't worry you will find someone...one day," or, "I am soooo glad I don't have to date anymore because it's rough out there."
Gee, thanks. Single people who want to get married love to hear comments like those. Have you considered becoming a motivational speaker? Better yet, you should take your positivity on the road. Why don't you fly on over to Africa and eat cheeseburgers in front of starving women and children?


5. They are always trying hook you up as if being single is a sickness.
Furthermore, please tell me why the hook ups are always with the most REject people they know? Listen: being single is not a horrible thing and I'd rather remain that way than date your cousin Clayvon. Clayvon has issues.

6. They expect you to sympathize with their dumb, petty fights.
If the worst thing your wife does is burn the rice, consider yourself lucky and please shut the heck up.

7. They act like they can't do anything separate from their spouses.
Your friends want you to come out to see Sex and the City 2 but you want to go with your husband?!! WHY?!! He can't remember Carrie from Samantha from Charlotte from Miranda. He doesn't understand why we cried when Carrie broke Aidan's heart BOTH times. He doesn't get why we were all plotting Big's death and he doesn't care! Leave that man at home and go out with your girls!!!

8. They talk as though married life is the only thing in the world and if you don't want to get married or aren't married yet, something is wrong with you.
The divorce rate is high for a reason - marriage is hard and it isn't for everyone. Single people everywhere rejoice over the fact that we have waited each time we hear about another dysfunctional, divorcing married couple.

OR ON THE FLIP SIDE...

9. They make marriage sound like it is terrible.
"Don't ever get married," some of them say. Wow. I'm sure your spouse would love to hear that. Why DID you get married if it's so bad? Some don't know if they want to be married or single...make up your mind! The Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8).


10. They say things like, "My life just wasn't complete 'til I married Jermaine."
Really??? You should come to your marriage as complete and as whole as can be or you will have problems. No HUMAN can complete you and even the most perfect person for you will disappoint and hurt you from time to time. If you're looking for completion, look to GOD.


11. As soon as they get divorced they start blowing up their single friends' phones trying to go out.
Umm, where ya been bamma? Oh, NOW you can hang?! LOL! And how about the ones who get mad when you don't wanna go to the club with them?! Single people don't party every night and not all single peeps go clubbing either. Not all of us are constantly on the prowl...some of us are, dare I say it? Happily single?? ;-)


Haaaa!!!

Keep your rings on people!


Love ya!
Alonna