He's For Real (this post is for the ladies)

I love being a woman.

But sometimes we let our emotions and our over-analytical minds get the best of us.

We constantly dissect men's actions and words. Twisting and turning and spinning them upside down, trying to make sense out of those things which are obvious.

A woman will make all kinds of excuses for a man she likes. We will read too much into everything, looking for deep, soulful meanings instead of accepting a situation for what it is.

I'm finding that men are very easy to read. And the good ones are even easier because they don't lie or lead us on. :-)

I've been thinking a lot about New Boo, comparing him to others from my past. So far, he stands out in a lot of ways from all of them.

I think he's for real.

But how do you know?

1) He doesn't play games. Mature men know what they want. When a man likes you, he's going to act like it...pretty much from the jump. He won't purposely ignore your calls in an effort to keep you thirsty or to not seem too pressed. He won't try to ignite your interest by talking about all of the other women who want his mind, body and soul. If he wants you, he's not going to do anything that may push you away.

2) He tells you how he feels and what he wants AND it doesn't change daily.
Aretha sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I want to write a song about C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y. Any man can tell you that he cares about you and desires a future with you. The man who is for real feels this way everyday. Oh yeah, and he acts like it.

3) He does what he says he's going to do. Inconsistent men (see #2) don't keep their word. Don't make excuses when he says he's going to call you back, then doesn't; makes plans, then breaks them; gets you excited about going out or on vacation and then doesn't follow through. Chuck up the deuces to bammas like this!

4) He wants to spend as much time with you as he can. Don't confuse this one with a man who is possessive, though. When a man is for real, he WANTS to be around you. He is not going to constantly choose a night out with the guys or an evening with Madden 11 over you! If he is cool with going days and days and days without seeing you, he's not that serious. You can keep telling yourself that he's busy or works hard or has to spend time with his children or his family, but all you're doing is kidding yourself. People make time for the things they want.

5) He makes plans. I was in a relationship with a man for five years and we never took one vacation together. No, going to visit his family in Lewisberg, NC does not count. He never took the time to plan an evening or a weekend or a holiday and that bothered me a lot. It is one of the many reasons we aren't together anymore - he was so lackadaisical about our relationship. Women are often the planners. We like paying attention to details and doing the research to find a new restaurant or vacation spot. I get that; I'm okay with that. BUT every now and then, the man needs to do something. If he doesn't, you may want to inquire...

6) He wants everyone to know about you - including other women. Friends don't know that you exist? Stutters and can't get your name out of his mouth when other women are around? Blows his top when you write on his Facebook wall, "Hey baby, have a great day!"? Ditch him.

7) He wants to talk to you, learn you, know you and remembers the things you say. You love Mexican with extra guacamole? He knows. Red velvet cupcakes? He bought some for your birthday. The argument you had with your Mom? He wants to know if you're okay. The co-worker who gets on your last nerve? She gets on his nerves too and he's never even met her. He knows your siblings' and friends' names, your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite wine. Your conversations are give and take...not all about him. He enjoys learning what makes you, YOU!

Listen, it's okay if a man isn't into you...everything ain't for everybody. And the sooner you know that he's not your match, the sooner the right one can make his way towards you.

But don't waste your time making excuses!

Wait for the real deal,

Alonna

"A Fair Shake"

"I'ma need you to have some faith," he said to me.

Faith.

Although it is a noun, that word definitely feels like a VERB at times since it requires you to DO so much. Like step out there. Put your fears aside. And trust.

New boo has been in my life for a few months. We aren't official yet but things are good.

He says the right things, does the right things and I haven't had to raise my eyebrow or give him the side eye about anything.

Yet.

I say "yet" because I've been there, done that...got the t-shirt, the key chain and the hat.

The last guy I liked wanted me to relocate to NC to be with him. Two months in, he was talking about marriage and babies.

I should've known better.

He seemed sincere. Didn't appear to be the type to run game. Went on and on for months about how much he cared for me and how he had never felt so strongly about a woman so quickly...etc., etc., etc...

All of that yakkety yak and he wasn't over his ex.

There I was spending my hard earned MONEY and my priceless TIME flying back and forth to see him and he was mailing her romantic birthday cards and doing God only knows what else. Ain't that some bull*&%$....?

Got his spot blown up on Facebook, of all places.

Smh.

I'm relieved that I found out sooner than later that he was fluent in two languages - English and LIE.

But I can't pretend I'm not human. There were feelings involved and it stung.

Did I mention that I hate to fly?

Can I send that bamma a bill?

Lately my story seems to be: Meet a guy, let down my guard, he does something ridiculous, I roll, and the recovery process begins.

After this last attempt ended so badly, I started wondering if my relationship failures are my fault. I've been wondering if I am choosing the wrong men...

Soooo...I'm being extremely cautious this time.

Words mean nothing anymore. Actions win all. Consistent actions. No exceptions.

New boo is worried that I can't give him "a fair shake" (his words) because of my past. It's not that I want to penalize him for the mistakes of others...I just don't want to give my heart or waste my time on any more undeserving men.

I'm too old for the endless fighting, the games, the lies, the half-truths, the omissions, the confusion, and the back and forth.

And I'm too old and too Christian to bust out the windows of a man's car because he lacks the "act right" to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

There is no way of knowing what will happen between two people in a relationship. It is impossible to predict another person's actions and the only one you can control is you. You go in optimistic and open to the possibilities but you keep your eyes wide open.

You don't rush commitment before you or your potential partner are ready.

You don't negotiate your non-negotiables.

And you never ignore the signs and your intuition.

New boo is getting the fair shake he's asking for...I am slowly opening up but I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and blur my vision of what's reality and what's fantasy. One thing I've tried to get him to understand is that I have learned from my mistakes and I refuse to repeat them.

It's not personal.

It's not being defensive or cold or putting up walls.

It's using wisdom.
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment." (New Living Translation, Proverbs 4:7)

And if he is on the up and up...we will be good.

And if not...well, I will add his name to the history book.

I'm still giving love a chance but I'm certainly not opposed to kicking anyone to the curb with the quickness...

Alonna
:-)

Stick to rapping, Nelly

I listened to a brief interview that Nelly ("Hot in Herre") gave on a radio show. The host asked him why he thinks so many black women are single.

(Listen to the interview here: http://bossip.com/291322/nelly-chimes-in-on-why-so-many-black-women-are-single-video69691/)

The first thing I wondered was why she asked NELLY of all people that question...I mean, how long has he been with Ashanti...did he put a ring on it yet?

Anyway, I digress.

Soooo, basically Nelly stated that women want the "perfect guy" and will turn down the "nice guy" who may not "look the part" for the wrong guy who does look the part, even though he isn't on his job.

Is it really that simple, Nelly?

I don't think women are looking for the perfect guy. When maturity and real life set in, most of us understand that perfection doesn't exist.

We know there's no knight in shining armor waiting to carry us off into the sunset to live happily ever after as soon as we are of marrying age. We also understand that we are far from perfect, so how can we demand perfection in a mate?

What a woman really wants is a man who is "perfect" for her. We want a man who can meet whatever emotional, physical or economical needs we require for our lives.

Does he have to be 6'5" with a perfect face, perfect teeth, and perfect skin? Nope. Muscles bulging all over and a six pack that could grate cheese? Nah.

I will step out there on behalf of women to say that a man who is honest, faithful, responsible, independent and hardworking is way more desirable than a "perfect" one. And yes, we definitely would like him to be clean, well-groomed and attractive. But as far as I'm concerned, if a man is these things, I can deal with him leaving the toilet seat up and watching football all day on Sunday.

I thought these were the basics but maybe I'm wrong.

Now, every woman will have additional spiritual, financial and emotional criteria based on her individual preferences, but nobody is looking for perfection, Nelly.

In reference to the comment that women shun the nice guys: I will admit, some women are attracted to the stereotypical "bad boy" - the mysterious, inconsistent, charming, yet manipulative and selfish man who never opens up his heart in an effort to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.

BUT...

That's not all women. That's not even most.

Women do want that "nice guy", Nelly. But should a woman be with a man based on his "nice" qualities alone? What about chemistry? Common goals? Mutual interests? Religious beliefs? There are plenty of nice guys in the world, but it's not really about that...it's about finding and connecting with the right nice guy.

Finally, Dr. Nelly stated that women need to "let a man be a man" because men need to feel "needed".

"If we're not needed...we feel like...we're useless,"

Useless indeed.

His comment not, men.

I have seen women work two jobs because their husbands or boyfriends refused to get one.

I have seen women hide black eyes that were given to them by "men" who couldn't control their tempers.

I know women who were strangers until discovering they each had children who were days, weeks, or months apart in age...all by the same "man".

"Let a man be a man." What does this mean exactly, Nelly?

Women don't want to be men.

The role of a man, as ordained by God, is a BIG one.

It requires strength, humility, intelligence, wisdom and grace.

Men know this. And so do their families who benefit from their manhood.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure and responsibility at the top--if you are on your job. And every woman I've talked to has said that she certainly isn't filling out that application.

But what does a woman do when she is forced into that role because the man in her life refuses to play his position?

She does what she has to do.

For herself, for her babies...for her family.

The problem today is that a lot of men are not men. And we could examine and dissect and discuss all of the reasons why, and maybe some of them are valid, but it is what it is...and it ain't what it ain't.

It is humorous to me when men like Nelly have all of this "advice" for women. How can a man speak on how we feel? Discuss what we need? Tell us what we should want?

He can't.

Because he's not a woman.

And he has no clue what it's like to be one.

Stick to rapping, Nelly.

:-)
Alonna