How to Lose a Woman (before you even get her)

The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.

Some of them have been lovely.

Some of them have been comical.

Others have been down right ridiculous.

I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.

Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)

These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:

1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.

You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above

Make up your mind.

If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.

Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.

2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.

Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."

Yuck.

Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.

3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!

Who does this?!

Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.

Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.

And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"

Now you're looking silly.

4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.

The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.

Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.

5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.

Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.

Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)

Alonna

The Walls

My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.

But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:

"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."

Like I said, I can relate.

Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.

I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.

Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.

Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.

I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.

I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.

Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.

We were giving too much too fast.

Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.

Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.

These days I have taken caution to the next level.

My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.

Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."

That's the bottom line for me.

I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.

I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.

A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.

Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.

Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?

Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.

His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?

I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."

Good.

When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.

Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.

My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.

No walls, just wisdom,

Alonna
xoxo