A friend of mine--we'll call her "Jane"--went out with a guy for awhile. She thought he was cool and they always had a decent time together but she knew BEFORE Date 1 that he had no chance of becoming her Boo. She never told him this, though, thinking that her feelings (or lack thereof) were implied...until he kissed her unexpectedly during one of their dates.
"Whyyyyyy would he kiss me?" Jane whined to me later. "I never gave him any indication that I was feelin' him like that! It was never like that!"
I could definitely sympathize with my friend, having experienced similar situations in the past. For several days I wondered why would a guy kiss a girl who has given no signs (as far as she can tell) that she "likes likes" him? Are men clueless when it comes to reading women's vibes?
The book/movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was supposedly a big deal because FINALLY women were being given tools to get IT - you know, get it into our heads that we needed to pay attention to the signs that a man didn't want us...but what about all of the women who don't want the men who are after them? Don't the men need to know as well?
Soooo...I'm writing this post for all of the men out there who are wondering, "Is she into me?" If you have to ask, the answer is NO...so take heed to what I'm about to say and save yourself the trouble!
1. If she's not contacting you, she's just not that into you. Once we decide we like you AND feel comfortable with our decision to like you, we will call, text, and/or email you. If you only talk to her when you initiate contact, it's really not like that.
2. If she doesn't invite you to hang out with her friends, she's just not that into you. We love showing off a great guy to our girls (assuming that none of them are man-stealers). If you have been out more than 3 times and she has NEVER mentioned you meeting her friends, she's just not that into you.
3. If she only agrees to hang out in group settings, she just not that into you. Hanging out with a crew is usually a great time, but if she never wants to be alone with you, it's for a reason...she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea.
4. If the two of you only hang out when YOU initiate the plan, she's just not that into you. Like I said in #1, once we feel comfortable liking you, we will start putting ourselves out there; this includes initiating outings. If she never calls you to hang out, you're not the one, hon.
5. If she doesn't touch you or try to be close to you, she's just not that into you. Most women enjoy affection. We want to "invade" your space. We really do :-). Does she put her hand on yours when she laughs? Does she ask you to sit NEXT to her in the booth at the restaurant? If you're at the bar, is her stool touching yours? OR is there a gap the size of the Pacific Ocean between you? If you answered NO to the first 3 questions and YES to the last, sorry, you're just a friend/acquaintance/hang out buddy.
6. If she doesn't lean in, flashing that "kiss me" green light, she's just not that into you. The anticipation of the first kiss is soooo exciting no matter how old you are! We might not initiate the first kiss but we will definitely show you that we want you to start something up. She's not doing that? Umm...she's not feelin' you.
7. If she points out other available women when you're together, she's just not that into you. Even the most confident of us don't really want you looking at other women. But if she's actually TELLING you to look at that woman's booty, or offering to get Ms. Booty's number for you, you are just a friend, sugar pie.
8. If she gets buzzed/tipsy/drunk and STILL doesn't touch you, she's just not that into you. Face it, most of us get a little "extra" once the vino hits our veins, but if she's tossed back 3 glasses of Pinot Grigio and doesn't so much as hold your hand, it's not personal...she just doesn't see you "that way".
9. If she keeps the conversations brief, she's just not that into you. Most of us can t-a-l-k! We want to share information about our day, our job, our family, our friends, whatever! But if your conversations are averaging 4-5 minutes on a good day, she doesn't really want to talk to you.
10. If she never answers the phone when you call ("Oh, sorry I 'missed' your call!") she's just not that into you. When we are into a guy, we are ATTACHED to our phones - waiting, wondering, hoping you'll call, text...do something bamma!!! Lol. She NEVER answers the phone? She's screening. She may even be hitting "ignore" and sending you right to voice mail because she doesn't want to talk to you.
11. If you ask her how she feels about you, and she describes you as "cool" or "nice", she's just not that into you. Women usually have no problem expressing emotions. If she can't clearly articulate her feelings or why she likes you, it's because she doesn't.
12. If you ask what she's doing, she tells you, then she finds out you're going and changes her plan at the last minute, she's just not that into you. I'm laughing as I type this...she doesn't want to hang out with you sweetie.
13. If you only know surface, trivial things about her, she's just not that into you. Think long and hard. Are you getting to know her heart and soul or do you just know the basics - what she does for a living, her last name (maybe - LOL),etc? If she's not calling you or answering your calls regularly, you probably know very little about this woman...and it's for a reason!
Listen, I know that the male ego is fragile. We really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, especially if you are a "nice" (LOL) guy, but you need to pay attention to her behavior and how she's responding to your advances and please, please, please don't touch or kiss a woman until you KNOW that she IS into you! :-)
Jane is STILL traumatized.
Happy hunting,
A
**Shout out to Kezia, Melee, and Jai for helping with these tips!!! xoxo
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Older, Wiser...Bitter?
An important man in my life commented that my blog seems to focus on the negative aspects of relationships. "Are there any positive, uplifting relationship experiences you can write about?" he wanted to know. My reply was, "No. I haven't had any yet."
I think my response bummed him out, and his question kinda irked me, but it did get me thinking. It's not accurate to say that I didn't have any good times with my exes, but the pain and disappointment that resulted from our breakups does overshadow a lot of the good. Is there a such thing as a good break up anyway? People who say, "Oh we had a good break up..." annoy the heck out of me. Anywhoo, I digress...
Maturity and many, many, many conversations with God have shown me that I must take responsibility for the part that I played in all of my failed relationships. BUT this man's question really made me wonder if my experiences have tainted my perspective. Have I become THAT woman? The one who, after having her heart broken one too many times, has decided that Love Don't Live Here Anymore? This made me nervous because I have seen bitter and it does not look good on anyone! After a bit of soul searching, however, I've decided that my experiences have not made me bitter, they’ve made me BETTER. And since I am wiser and oh so generous, I'd like to share with you what I've learned. :-)
1. God is everything. If you're not a Christian, this one isn't for you (side note: I'd love to talk to you, if you're interested in learning about Jesus), BUT if you are saved, don't ever attach yourself to someone who doesn't have a genuine relationship with the Lord. "Genuine" looks like this: he/she has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Lord and Savior, reads the Bible and is attempting to live its message, prays (only saying grace does not count) and goes to church. Does this mean that person is perfect? HECK NO!!! But that person's perspective on love, fidelity, honesty and respect will be different from someone who is not in a relationship with God. The Bible specifically tells us NOT to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). You are setting yourself up for so much heartache for no reason.
2. Staying with someone who is untrustworthy is STUPID. Do I really need to elaborate?
3. Compromise on the WHATs but don’t compromise WHO you are. I think everyone should have a list of non-negotiables and stick to them. Now, if your list of requirements rivals that of Chili’s from TLC, then you may need to come down to Earth and be more realistic. But what can you simply NOT deal with? Religious/spiritual differences? Baby mama/daddy drama? Lack of ambition? Lack of employment? Mother/father issues? Don’t compromise on those things for anyone. If you do, you’ll eventually resent that person for not being who you want him to be. God knows what you need; you do not need to settle.
4. People make time for the things they want to make time for. If the other person isn’t putting in the effort, why bother? Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Both parties should be all in. When you love someone, sometimes you have to go above and beyond...it isn’t going to work if someone doesn’t feel that way or has other priorities.
5. Multiple children by multiple women or men = someone with commitment issues OR someone who is extremely irresponsible. He looks good and sounds even better, but dude has 4 kids by 3 different women and didn’t marry any of them. He barely has time for the children he created and then tells you that he wants more…with YOU?! Really? We tend to make excuses for people we really want to be with. Is it possible this person was just young and stupid back in the day? Sure. We’ve all been there, made some choices we wish we could reverse but it would be wise to ask those deep, probing questions to find out WHY this person’s seed has been all over the tri-state area and WHY he/she never married. If the answers don’t sound genuine or if the person blames everyone else, walk, no RUN the other way.
6. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right in your spirit, take heed. If you haven’t been diagnosed by a mental health professional as crazy, then every, single voice in your head telling you that something is wrong is RIGHT and you need to ROLL.
7. Listen to your family and friends. If the people who love and genuinely want the best for you are not feeling your boo, you may want to take a closer look at him/her. Find out WHY they feel this way and do not get in your feelings because of it.
8. Do YOU. Your partner is not your lifeline. Yes, he/she will add to and enhance your life (hopefully), but that person cannot BE your life. Don’t give up your hobbies, interests and friends just because you’re in a relationship. You two are better together because you are unique individuals bringing something special to the table. And if someone expects you to always drop what you are doing to be on his/her time, that person is probably not the one.
9. Talk is so cheap. Believe ACTIONS over WORDS every time. Nuff said.
10. For the ladies: DO NOT give a man ultimatums about marriage. If he wants to marry you, he will. If he doesn't, yes it will hurt, yes you will be sad, but you will live and then it's on to the next one. Pressuring, giving deadlines is just wrong. Besides, who wants to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle? Y'all are already starting off wrong.
11. Timing is everything. Being with the right person at the wrong time can be just as detrimental as being with the wrong person. WAIT. Don't rush the natural progression of your relationship. It's always exciting to click with someone new, to learn someone new, to kiss and hold someone new...but let things flow. Don't talk about marriage too soon. Don't sign up for the wedding registry at all of your favorite stores just yet. Date that person. And if you are a woman, let that man COURT you. Enjoy each other where you are, the rest will come as it is supposed to. And if it doesn't blossom, that's okay too; that means there's someone else better suited for you.
12. If someone tells you who he/she is, believe it. "I have commitment issues." "I don't have time for a relationship." Umm...why are you sticking around?
13. If your relationship started off dirty because you did something dirty to someone else, it is going to end that way too. Karma, reaping what you sow...whatever you may call it, is real. Don't go after people who are off limits...that man's wife? Your girl's ex boo? What God has for you is for YOU. Besides, if that person dogged out the one before you, why do you think you will be different?
14. Seek a partner who does more than satisfy your body; seek someone who satisfies your heart and your soul. A friend told me that the person you choose should help you on your way to your dreams and vice versa. If that bamma doesn't even know what color your eyes are or where you grew up, is he/she really trying to get to know YOU? If you feel worse or indifferent after your interactions, are you being uplifted or torn down? Think about it...
15. Make people earn your trust but don't punish someone new because the last person hurt you. Guarding your heart is great, not being naive is awesome, allowing someone to prove him/herself BEFORE you give away your time and energy in vain is important but every man is not like the last man. Give everyone his/her own chance. It's hard but you've gotta do it!
and FINALLY...
16. Stop fornicating! No, I'm not a virgin. This is why I know that sex clouds judgment. How many of us have stayed connected to someone for too long because of the emotional tie that sex creates? It is MUCH easier to walk away from someone you have not been intimate with. If you are trusting God, He is NOT going to connect you to someone you are sexually incompatible with. He knows you like to get down. He has someone for you who likes to get down too. You do NOT need to test the car before you buy it.
I don't profess to know everything, but I have learned some things.
Hope this helped. :-)
Love and butterflies,
Alonna
I think my response bummed him out, and his question kinda irked me, but it did get me thinking. It's not accurate to say that I didn't have any good times with my exes, but the pain and disappointment that resulted from our breakups does overshadow a lot of the good. Is there a such thing as a good break up anyway? People who say, "Oh we had a good break up..." annoy the heck out of me. Anywhoo, I digress...
Maturity and many, many, many conversations with God have shown me that I must take responsibility for the part that I played in all of my failed relationships. BUT this man's question really made me wonder if my experiences have tainted my perspective. Have I become THAT woman? The one who, after having her heart broken one too many times, has decided that Love Don't Live Here Anymore? This made me nervous because I have seen bitter and it does not look good on anyone! After a bit of soul searching, however, I've decided that my experiences have not made me bitter, they’ve made me BETTER. And since I am wiser and oh so generous, I'd like to share with you what I've learned. :-)
1. God is everything. If you're not a Christian, this one isn't for you (side note: I'd love to talk to you, if you're interested in learning about Jesus), BUT if you are saved, don't ever attach yourself to someone who doesn't have a genuine relationship with the Lord. "Genuine" looks like this: he/she has accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Lord and Savior, reads the Bible and is attempting to live its message, prays (only saying grace does not count) and goes to church. Does this mean that person is perfect? HECK NO!!! But that person's perspective on love, fidelity, honesty and respect will be different from someone who is not in a relationship with God. The Bible specifically tells us NOT to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14). You are setting yourself up for so much heartache for no reason.
2. Staying with someone who is untrustworthy is STUPID. Do I really need to elaborate?
3. Compromise on the WHATs but don’t compromise WHO you are. I think everyone should have a list of non-negotiables and stick to them. Now, if your list of requirements rivals that of Chili’s from TLC, then you may need to come down to Earth and be more realistic. But what can you simply NOT deal with? Religious/spiritual differences? Baby mama/daddy drama? Lack of ambition? Lack of employment? Mother/father issues? Don’t compromise on those things for anyone. If you do, you’ll eventually resent that person for not being who you want him to be. God knows what you need; you do not need to settle.
4. People make time for the things they want to make time for. If the other person isn’t putting in the effort, why bother? Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100. Both parties should be all in. When you love someone, sometimes you have to go above and beyond...it isn’t going to work if someone doesn’t feel that way or has other priorities.
5. Multiple children by multiple women or men = someone with commitment issues OR someone who is extremely irresponsible. He looks good and sounds even better, but dude has 4 kids by 3 different women and didn’t marry any of them. He barely has time for the children he created and then tells you that he wants more…with YOU?! Really? We tend to make excuses for people we really want to be with. Is it possible this person was just young and stupid back in the day? Sure. We’ve all been there, made some choices we wish we could reverse but it would be wise to ask those deep, probing questions to find out WHY this person’s seed has been all over the tri-state area and WHY he/she never married. If the answers don’t sound genuine or if the person blames everyone else, walk, no RUN the other way.
6. Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right in your spirit, take heed. If you haven’t been diagnosed by a mental health professional as crazy, then every, single voice in your head telling you that something is wrong is RIGHT and you need to ROLL.
7. Listen to your family and friends. If the people who love and genuinely want the best for you are not feeling your boo, you may want to take a closer look at him/her. Find out WHY they feel this way and do not get in your feelings because of it.
8. Do YOU. Your partner is not your lifeline. Yes, he/she will add to and enhance your life (hopefully), but that person cannot BE your life. Don’t give up your hobbies, interests and friends just because you’re in a relationship. You two are better together because you are unique individuals bringing something special to the table. And if someone expects you to always drop what you are doing to be on his/her time, that person is probably not the one.
9. Talk is so cheap. Believe ACTIONS over WORDS every time. Nuff said.
10. For the ladies: DO NOT give a man ultimatums about marriage. If he wants to marry you, he will. If he doesn't, yes it will hurt, yes you will be sad, but you will live and then it's on to the next one. Pressuring, giving deadlines is just wrong. Besides, who wants to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle? Y'all are already starting off wrong.
11. Timing is everything. Being with the right person at the wrong time can be just as detrimental as being with the wrong person. WAIT. Don't rush the natural progression of your relationship. It's always exciting to click with someone new, to learn someone new, to kiss and hold someone new...but let things flow. Don't talk about marriage too soon. Don't sign up for the wedding registry at all of your favorite stores just yet. Date that person. And if you are a woman, let that man COURT you. Enjoy each other where you are, the rest will come as it is supposed to. And if it doesn't blossom, that's okay too; that means there's someone else better suited for you.
12. If someone tells you who he/she is, believe it. "I have commitment issues." "I don't have time for a relationship." Umm...why are you sticking around?
13. If your relationship started off dirty because you did something dirty to someone else, it is going to end that way too. Karma, reaping what you sow...whatever you may call it, is real. Don't go after people who are off limits...that man's wife? Your girl's ex boo? What God has for you is for YOU. Besides, if that person dogged out the one before you, why do you think you will be different?
14. Seek a partner who does more than satisfy your body; seek someone who satisfies your heart and your soul. A friend told me that the person you choose should help you on your way to your dreams and vice versa. If that bamma doesn't even know what color your eyes are or where you grew up, is he/she really trying to get to know YOU? If you feel worse or indifferent after your interactions, are you being uplifted or torn down? Think about it...
15. Make people earn your trust but don't punish someone new because the last person hurt you. Guarding your heart is great, not being naive is awesome, allowing someone to prove him/herself BEFORE you give away your time and energy in vain is important but every man is not like the last man. Give everyone his/her own chance. It's hard but you've gotta do it!
and FINALLY...
16. Stop fornicating! No, I'm not a virgin. This is why I know that sex clouds judgment. How many of us have stayed connected to someone for too long because of the emotional tie that sex creates? It is MUCH easier to walk away from someone you have not been intimate with. If you are trusting God, He is NOT going to connect you to someone you are sexually incompatible with. He knows you like to get down. He has someone for you who likes to get down too. You do NOT need to test the car before you buy it.
I don't profess to know everything, but I have learned some things.
Hope this helped. :-)
Love and butterflies,
Alonna
Thursday, April 22, 2010
When I Break, I Break!
Seven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was cute, Christian, and had good credit. As the saying goes, he looked great "on paper." As far as I was concerned, he was The One. And like many girls in love, I practiced writing my first name with his last name and imagined what our adorable, curly haired little babies would look like.
But there was one BIG problem...
The man had ex-issues.
Very early on, I knew that his inability to cut ties with these women was going to create drama. Ex #1 cheated on him and yet he went to Hawaii with her after their break up...talk about forgiveness! Ex #2 was his best friend's sister-in-law and they went on vacations together with the b.f.'s family even after their break up (translation: THAT chick wasn't going anywhere)!!!! We argued about these women for weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years...and eventually our relationship ended. Did I think he wanted to get back together with either of them? No. Did they have daily, or even weekly contact? Probably not. Did I believe he would cheat on me with one of them? Nope! So...why was I mad? BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WANTED TO MAINTAIN ANY FRIENDSHIPS IF THE RELATIONSHIPS WERE OVER.
Ex #2 was super pressed. She made up any excuse to call, i.e. "I'm looking for your mother. I called her house but she didn't answer...do you know where she is?" Really lady? How 'bout you leave a message on her voice mail like a normal person?! The last straw was when she went on vacation and sent him a postcard - from FLORIDA! First of all, who sends postcards from FLORIDA? Second, WHY is this woman sending you postcards when y'all are supposedly done AND she knows you have a girlfriend who is always at your house? I felt disrespected, but he wasn't understanding me and was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Finally, I made the decision for him and I walked away. The break up lasted a year, but we reunited, spent months in premarital counseling, and broke up again...FOR THE SAME REASON. This time, I found out that he had attended her daughter's high school graduation and didn't tell me. KA-BOOM! I went OFF. "Breaking Dishes" by Rihanna was my theme song that night. Relationship over...almost 5 years down the drain.
It's been 2 years since then. He still contacts me occasionally and enjoys updating me on the fact that he hasn't gotten back with either of those women, but I could care less. It was something I couldn't handle and I know I made the best decision for me.
So...my question is: If there are no children involved, no financial ties, no real estate...why be friends with an ex?
I've never (ever, ever, ever) had the desire to continue seeing or talking to a man after a break up. It's not that I'm bitter, I just don't want to be bothered with the person who either broke my heart, disappointed me, or proved that he didn't even deserve to know me. I always wish them well; I may even pray for them if I'm feeling especially gracious, but I believe in keeping it moving.
One reason I think people play the "Let's be friends" card is because they are afraid to let go. It takes courage to completely walk away from someone you love when you realize it's not working. Remaining "friends" keeps those lines of communication open. If you're still talking, there's still hope of a reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and decide he's ready to marry me or Maybe she will realize her baby's daddy is a douche and come back to me. Other times people know that they can't give you what you need but want to keep you as a friend "just in case". They still want you in the picture just in case they change their minds. Ummm...no. How about you both just move forward? Looking back usually doesn't help anyone.
If you're not dating anyone seriously, then honestly you can do whatever you want. Personally, I don't recommend keeping old wounds open - they prevent you from healing and being completely available for the next one, but hey, do you.
However, once you begin a new relationship, your exes need to FALL BACK. What benefit can come from maintaining a friendship with someone you were in an intimate relationship with, WHILE you are trying to give yourself to a new boo? If you are focused on your new man/woman, how do you even have time for these exes? Yeah, sure the conversations may begin as casual "Hey how ya been?" updates, but at some point someone will get in his or her car and slowly start cruising down Memory Lane: "Hey, remember that time we had drunk sex in Puerto Rico?" or "Man nobody could lick my toes the way you did!" When the "friendly" conversations turn to reminiscing, somebody in this new friendship wants that old thing back. If you are doing this while you are in a relationship, you may not think so, but you are being unfaithful. You may not be sleeping with or even seeing your ex, but the fact that you are initiating or merely entertaining intimate conversations with someone else is wrong. Would your man or your woman be able to sit in the room while you talk to your ex? Probably not.
I don't know why people associate a complete break with malice. Does it mean that I hate you or hope that you get hit by a bus because I no longer want to talk to you or see you? NO! It means that I want to get over you; I want to heal from the pain that may have come from our relationship and our break up so that I can make a fresh start. Call me selfish, but my new life does not need to include you in it.
But there was one BIG problem...
The man had ex-issues.
Very early on, I knew that his inability to cut ties with these women was going to create drama. Ex #1 cheated on him and yet he went to Hawaii with her after their break up...talk about forgiveness! Ex #2 was his best friend's sister-in-law and they went on vacations together with the b.f.'s family even after their break up (translation: THAT chick wasn't going anywhere)!!!! We argued about these women for weeks, which turned into months, which turned into years...and eventually our relationship ended. Did I think he wanted to get back together with either of them? No. Did they have daily, or even weekly contact? Probably not. Did I believe he would cheat on me with one of them? Nope! So...why was I mad? BECAUSE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE WANTED TO MAINTAIN ANY FRIENDSHIPS IF THE RELATIONSHIPS WERE OVER.
Ex #2 was super pressed. She made up any excuse to call, i.e. "I'm looking for your mother. I called her house but she didn't answer...do you know where she is?" Really lady? How 'bout you leave a message on her voice mail like a normal person?! The last straw was when she went on vacation and sent him a postcard - from FLORIDA! First of all, who sends postcards from FLORIDA? Second, WHY is this woman sending you postcards when y'all are supposedly done AND she knows you have a girlfriend who is always at your house? I felt disrespected, but he wasn't understanding me and was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Finally, I made the decision for him and I walked away. The break up lasted a year, but we reunited, spent months in premarital counseling, and broke up again...FOR THE SAME REASON. This time, I found out that he had attended her daughter's high school graduation and didn't tell me. KA-BOOM! I went OFF. "Breaking Dishes" by Rihanna was my theme song that night. Relationship over...almost 5 years down the drain.
It's been 2 years since then. He still contacts me occasionally and enjoys updating me on the fact that he hasn't gotten back with either of those women, but I could care less. It was something I couldn't handle and I know I made the best decision for me.
So...my question is: If there are no children involved, no financial ties, no real estate...why be friends with an ex?
I've never (ever, ever, ever) had the desire to continue seeing or talking to a man after a break up. It's not that I'm bitter, I just don't want to be bothered with the person who either broke my heart, disappointed me, or proved that he didn't even deserve to know me. I always wish them well; I may even pray for them if I'm feeling especially gracious, but I believe in keeping it moving.
One reason I think people play the "Let's be friends" card is because they are afraid to let go. It takes courage to completely walk away from someone you love when you realize it's not working. Remaining "friends" keeps those lines of communication open. If you're still talking, there's still hope of a reconciliation. Maybe he will change his mind and decide he's ready to marry me or Maybe she will realize her baby's daddy is a douche and come back to me. Other times people know that they can't give you what you need but want to keep you as a friend "just in case". They still want you in the picture just in case they change their minds. Ummm...no. How about you both just move forward? Looking back usually doesn't help anyone.
If you're not dating anyone seriously, then honestly you can do whatever you want. Personally, I don't recommend keeping old wounds open - they prevent you from healing and being completely available for the next one, but hey, do you.
However, once you begin a new relationship, your exes need to FALL BACK. What benefit can come from maintaining a friendship with someone you were in an intimate relationship with, WHILE you are trying to give yourself to a new boo? If you are focused on your new man/woman, how do you even have time for these exes? Yeah, sure the conversations may begin as casual "Hey how ya been?" updates, but at some point someone will get in his or her car and slowly start cruising down Memory Lane: "Hey, remember that time we had drunk sex in Puerto Rico?" or "Man nobody could lick my toes the way you did!" When the "friendly" conversations turn to reminiscing, somebody in this new friendship wants that old thing back. If you are doing this while you are in a relationship, you may not think so, but you are being unfaithful. You may not be sleeping with or even seeing your ex, but the fact that you are initiating or merely entertaining intimate conversations with someone else is wrong. Would your man or your woman be able to sit in the room while you talk to your ex? Probably not.
I don't know why people associate a complete break with malice. Does it mean that I hate you or hope that you get hit by a bus because I no longer want to talk to you or see you? NO! It means that I want to get over you; I want to heal from the pain that may have come from our relationship and our break up so that I can make a fresh start. Call me selfish, but my new life does not need to include you in it.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Should it really be this hard...?
I recently read an article written for Christian singles cautioning us to heed the obstacles that God places in our paths. The author made a point that stuck with me: "It is possible, is it not, that it is this difficult for a reason? Perhaps it is not supposed to BE--at all" (from "On Being Hindered, Part 2" by Hudson Russell Davis). Those two little sentences sent me into deep reflection about relationships and WHY people continue to fight for those things that never should have been in the first place.
As I write this, I'm watching "Tough Love: Couples" wondering if this woman will stay with her boyfriend who just confessed that he received a Happy Ending at a massage parlor. She says she isn't forgiving him, but my gut tells me that she will not only forgive him, but will also stay with him. They are arguing and cursing like two fools on national TV. He says he loves her, but how can you "love" someone and do something like that? Moreover, how can you stay with someone who obviously does not love you and definitely does not respect you? Why are you fighting for something that is not working? *Sigh*.
Some men and women complain about constant, ongoing battles in their relationships. I've heard of couples who beef EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Is this the model of a modern relationship? A miserable cycle of hardcore fighting, name calling, disrespecting, breaking up, and getting back together?
I wonder if toxic couples actually view their own relationships as such, or if they have just accepted that the drama is now a part of who they are? Can I go further and say that these couples actually...dare I say, enjoy the chaos?
It is difficult for us to admit that we have made a bad decision, to admit that the person we CHOSE is not the right one. So, what do we do? We try to force something to work that is not working just so we can save face and avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and facing reality. Or, we look back at the time we've invested thinking, "It's too late to back out now...what about all these months/years I've lost?" But who are you helping when you stay? Especially if the two of you are incompatible and it's just not meant to be.
If you're breaking up once a month, every few months, or just threatening to break up, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If, after a significant amount of time together (let's say 1+ years), you are STILL arguing about things that new couples argue about, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If you don't even LIKE and can barely TOLERATE everything that makes that person who he/she is, then perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you can't remember the last time you had fun together or the last time you laughed with each other but you know exactly what your last fight was about, perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you are upset more than you are content, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Relationships are meant to strengthen and build us up, to challenge us, and make us better...maybe I'm wrong??? If yours is causing you to lose sleep, drink or eat excessively, smoke on something just to deal with your significant other...you may need to rethink the whole thing.
If you're not married, you're lucky...BOUNCE!!!! Stop believing that endless trials are typical and serve to build the "character" of your relationship...they are not and absolutely do not. There is nothing normal about being mad and fighting with someone every day or every other day. If you are married...umm...perhaps you should get some counseling. A third party may need to help the two of you figure out why you got married in the first place. And please don't say those issues weren't apparent when you were dating...you know that's a lie! :-/
I'm not saying don't put the effort into your relationship or run away when you face a challenge, but if the good outweighs the bad; if you're crying more than you're smiling, then maybe you are holding onto something that has passed it's expiration date.
As I write this, I'm watching "Tough Love: Couples" wondering if this woman will stay with her boyfriend who just confessed that he received a Happy Ending at a massage parlor. She says she isn't forgiving him, but my gut tells me that she will not only forgive him, but will also stay with him. They are arguing and cursing like two fools on national TV. He says he loves her, but how can you "love" someone and do something like that? Moreover, how can you stay with someone who obviously does not love you and definitely does not respect you? Why are you fighting for something that is not working? *Sigh*.
Some men and women complain about constant, ongoing battles in their relationships. I've heard of couples who beef EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Is this the model of a modern relationship? A miserable cycle of hardcore fighting, name calling, disrespecting, breaking up, and getting back together?
I wonder if toxic couples actually view their own relationships as such, or if they have just accepted that the drama is now a part of who they are? Can I go further and say that these couples actually...dare I say, enjoy the chaos?
It is difficult for us to admit that we have made a bad decision, to admit that the person we CHOSE is not the right one. So, what do we do? We try to force something to work that is not working just so we can save face and avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and facing reality. Or, we look back at the time we've invested thinking, "It's too late to back out now...what about all these months/years I've lost?" But who are you helping when you stay? Especially if the two of you are incompatible and it's just not meant to be.
If you're breaking up once a month, every few months, or just threatening to break up, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If, after a significant amount of time together (let's say 1+ years), you are STILL arguing about things that new couples argue about, perhaps, this isn't the person for you. If you don't even LIKE and can barely TOLERATE everything that makes that person who he/she is, then perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you can't remember the last time you had fun together or the last time you laughed with each other but you know exactly what your last fight was about, perhaps this isn't the person for you. If you are upset more than you are content, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Relationships are meant to strengthen and build us up, to challenge us, and make us better...maybe I'm wrong??? If yours is causing you to lose sleep, drink or eat excessively, smoke on something just to deal with your significant other...you may need to rethink the whole thing.
If you're not married, you're lucky...BOUNCE!!!! Stop believing that endless trials are typical and serve to build the "character" of your relationship...they are not and absolutely do not. There is nothing normal about being mad and fighting with someone every day or every other day. If you are married...umm...perhaps you should get some counseling. A third party may need to help the two of you figure out why you got married in the first place. And please don't say those issues weren't apparent when you were dating...you know that's a lie! :-/
I'm not saying don't put the effort into your relationship or run away when you face a challenge, but if the good outweighs the bad; if you're crying more than you're smiling, then maybe you are holding onto something that has passed it's expiration date.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thinking like a man....
When Steve Harvey first told women to "act like a lady, think like a man" I rolled my eyes. For the longest time I wondered, what exactly is thinking like a man (no I haven't read the book)? But the longer I remain single, the more I realize that "thinking like a man" is the best way for a woman to survive "the game" until she meets The One.
To me, thinking like a man means keeping your options OPEN!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm realistic and I know from firsthand experience that dating is rough, sometimes brutal. There are many "fish" out there but not all of them are good catches. So, women have been programmed to think that once we FINALLY click with a nice, attractive guy, we should settle down in our choice and be content with our good luck. But, listen...going on a few good dates does not make dude the end all and the be all for you. Most likely, after he pulls away from your house, he is whipping out his cell and calling the next chica to set up tomorrow's date...nothing personal, he's just keeping his options open until he's absolutely, positively, certain that he is making the right choice. After all, it's not "natural" for a man to be with one woman, right? At least that's what they want us to believe...So until they KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW, they aren't ruling out anything halfway decent that's coming their way.
There's nothing wrong with you. You ARE all that and then some. He knows that you own/rent your home and your car, that you pay your bills on time and that your credit score is high enough to buy him and his Mama. He understands that you are educated and well read and that you have a career. His compliments about your hair and your clothes are genuine. He appreciates that you are on your shoe game and that your mani and pedi are always fresh. He's glad you can make a subject and a verb agree in a sentence and that you didn't flirt with the busboy who looked like Idris Elba. He knows ALL of that, but to him you are just WOMAN I LIKE until he is ready to make that commitment. This is how many (not all) of them think and it isn't wrong in their minds.
So what are WE doing after that magical date? While homeboy is barely out of our neighborhood and on his cell talking to WOMAN I LIKE #2, we are on our cells calling the bff exclaiming "Girl, I think he could be IT. He paid for dinner and opened my doors..." Really? Umm...no. Yea, he was cute and it's great that he paid for your meal, but why should you shut the door to all of the other fun, attractive, will-also-pay-for-your-meal guys that would love to take you out? Let those guys see how fabulous you are too! You wouldn't invest all of your money in one company, you don't do all of your shopping in one store...so why would you date that way? There's nothing wrong with diversifying, doing some browsing until YOU are sure as well. Women are often waiting for a man to be sure. How about we start making sure that WE are sure? "You don't know if you want ME? Well, maybe I don't know if I want YOU!" ;-) And that's just the way it goes...
So, don't immediately call the bff. Change your clothes, wash your face and return those text messages and missed calls that are waiting on YOUR cell phone (you probably turned off your ringer during that dream date, right?). Tell Dude #2 and Dude #3 that dinner on Friday and brunch on Saturday sounds great. And if Dude #1 calls for another date (and he probably will), tell him that you MAY be able to fit him in on Sunday after church...he does go to church, right? :-) That's a TOTALLY different topic...but anyway....you're not cheating when there's no commitment (and Lord, please don't sleep with all of these dudes), you're just thinking like a man!! :-p
Alonna
To me, thinking like a man means keeping your options OPEN!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm realistic and I know from firsthand experience that dating is rough, sometimes brutal. There are many "fish" out there but not all of them are good catches. So, women have been programmed to think that once we FINALLY click with a nice, attractive guy, we should settle down in our choice and be content with our good luck. But, listen...going on a few good dates does not make dude the end all and the be all for you. Most likely, after he pulls away from your house, he is whipping out his cell and calling the next chica to set up tomorrow's date...nothing personal, he's just keeping his options open until he's absolutely, positively, certain that he is making the right choice. After all, it's not "natural" for a man to be with one woman, right? At least that's what they want us to believe...So until they KNOW that they KNOW that they KNOW, they aren't ruling out anything halfway decent that's coming their way.
There's nothing wrong with you. You ARE all that and then some. He knows that you own/rent your home and your car, that you pay your bills on time and that your credit score is high enough to buy him and his Mama. He understands that you are educated and well read and that you have a career. His compliments about your hair and your clothes are genuine. He appreciates that you are on your shoe game and that your mani and pedi are always fresh. He's glad you can make a subject and a verb agree in a sentence and that you didn't flirt with the busboy who looked like Idris Elba. He knows ALL of that, but to him you are just WOMAN I LIKE until he is ready to make that commitment. This is how many (not all) of them think and it isn't wrong in their minds.
So what are WE doing after that magical date? While homeboy is barely out of our neighborhood and on his cell talking to WOMAN I LIKE #2, we are on our cells calling the bff exclaiming "Girl, I think he could be IT. He paid for dinner and opened my doors..." Really? Umm...no. Yea, he was cute and it's great that he paid for your meal, but why should you shut the door to all of the other fun, attractive, will-also-pay-for-your-meal guys that would love to take you out? Let those guys see how fabulous you are too! You wouldn't invest all of your money in one company, you don't do all of your shopping in one store...so why would you date that way? There's nothing wrong with diversifying, doing some browsing until YOU are sure as well. Women are often waiting for a man to be sure. How about we start making sure that WE are sure? "You don't know if you want ME? Well, maybe I don't know if I want YOU!" ;-) And that's just the way it goes...
So, don't immediately call the bff. Change your clothes, wash your face and return those text messages and missed calls that are waiting on YOUR cell phone (you probably turned off your ringer during that dream date, right?). Tell Dude #2 and Dude #3 that dinner on Friday and brunch on Saturday sounds great. And if Dude #1 calls for another date (and he probably will), tell him that you MAY be able to fit him in on Sunday after church...he does go to church, right? :-) That's a TOTALLY different topic...but anyway....you're not cheating when there's no commitment (and Lord, please don't sleep with all of these dudes), you're just thinking like a man!! :-p
Alonna
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