I bought my house as a single woman. I know how to check the oil in my car and I can change a wax ring on a toilet. I can caulk windows, cut the grass, and kill mice (although I cry when I see them). I pay my bills on time. I work hard at my full time career and at my side hustle to support my shoe fetish and eating out habit. I'm very much an "independent woman" and I like being this way. I'm not so independent though, that I make statements like, "Women don't need men," nor do I actually want to BE a man - especially when I am in a relationship.
To clarify: I'm not saying that I NEED a man. I don't think any woman should believe that she needs a man. You fall into an ocean of problems with that mindset. But I do love men (the good ones) and I definitely hope to marry and spend my life with one. With that being said, I want to be the WIFE and that is all. I will play my position and I do not wish to take on any of the responsibilities that belong to a man.
I recently watched the video of the Valedictorian who ended her commencement speech by proposing to her boyfriend (who was #2 in their class, by the way). Although the audience clapped and some may have believed that her gesture was romantic and sweet, I wondered if any of them thought that she had just played herself? I know I was thinking it. Call me old-fashioned but I just don't understand why a woman would want to propose to a man. Is it impatience? Impulsion? Desperation? I'm not sure, but for me, it sends the wrong message.
Traditionally, the man has always gotten down on one knee (or not) and popped "the" question. He has a ring, it's a rock (or not), the woman cries, says yes (or not) and the whirlwind of planning for the big day begins. Newly engaged women are asked questions such as: What's the ring like? and How did he propose? I'm not sure I'd be as pumped about my engagement if I had to explain that I was the one who proposed.
Feminists...modern women...independent women....and men alike will argue with me that it is 2010 and we are all are equal. They will say that the traditional rules of engagement and marriage no longer apply. "Times have changed," my friend said and yes, they have changed. However, some things have changed for the better and some things have definitely changed for the worst.
God entrusts a great deal of responsibility to a husband in a marriage. The husband is responsible for his family's well-being. This is a great task. It is a task that I certainly do not wish to take on. The husband should seek God in all he does (Matthew 6:33), provide for his family (1 Timothy 5:8), and love his wife the way Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). When something goes wrong in a family, God is looking at the man first. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden...? (If you don't believe me, read Genesis 3). I think human beings have distorted the role of the husband by implying that unless a man is rolling in dough, he can't be a leader. I disagree with this notion. A husband can be the spiritual and financial head of his home even if he makes $40K and his wife makes $400K. Just because you are earning less money, doesn't mean you don't have a good head on your shoulders about how to manage it. If a garbage collector marries a CEO is he less of a man? Anyway, I digress a bit here...
My point is that God chose men (for whatever reason) to be the leaders in their homes. If you have a problem with this, take it up with God, not me. I think our society is in disarray because it is becoming increasingly difficult to find strong men heading up their households. For a myriad of reasons, women are rising to (and above) the occasion - either by default because they have had no choice or because they were raised to do for themselves no matter what man is on the scene. Men are being edged out of the picture, and treated as sperm donors or as accessories or pets instead of as vital, irreplaceable members of our community. Have you ever had the pleasure of being in the presence of a couple where the woman acted like the man and the man acted like the woman? It is a s-a-d thing to see. If no couple comes to mind, then think of Jon and Kate Gosselin...whoo whee. Pathetic.
The book of Proverbs states, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). Maybe you interpret this differently, but to me, it means that the man should be doing the finding. Now, does this mean that a woman should sit in her home, shut out from the world, waiting for her future husband to ring her doorbell? No indeed, but WE should not be the ones looking for THEM, they should be looking for US. Relationships in which men are the pursuers, where men are a little more pressed than the women have seemed to work a little better (to me). I believe it is because as leaders, the man sets the tone for the relationship. When a man puts the effort into his relationship, when everything is not handed to him on a silver platter, he tends to value it more and will work harder to preserve it...am I wrong? When the woman is running the show, stepping on his toes, not allowing him the opportunity to step up to the plate and BE the man, I think one of two things can happen: 1) the man becomes resentful and will find a woman who treats him like a man or 2) the man sits back and has no problem letting the woman take control of everything - the home, the finances, the children...and how do you think that one's going to work out?
I have some questions for those of you who disagree with me: if the woman proposes does SHE provide the ring? Does the man wear the engagement ring? If not, why? How can a woman propose to a man and then say, "Take me to Tiffany's and buy me a ring, homie."? What if he wasn't emotionally or financially prepared to become engaged, to even step one foot on a marriage path? Soooo, not only does she take over and propose to him but now HE has to buy a ring too? Sheesh. Usually when a man proposes it is because he is READY to get married (note that I said usually...hopefully!!!). Women, this doesn't necessarily apply to us because I think most of us are born ready to be married! :-)
Ladies, if a man loves you and has not proposed, maybe he has valid reasons for what you perceive to be as the "delay". If you're in a serious relationship, hopefully you have discussed marriage. If not, then maybe you two are headed in different directions anyway. Now, I'm not saying you should waste your time, waiting years and years for a man to propose. If he seems to be leading you on, dragging out your courtship and does not want to make a commitment, you definitely should consider taking your love elsewhere. But don't rush a man to the altar just because YOU are ready and feel that he needs to hurry up and make a move. Don't you want him to stand up on your wedding day ready to marry you?
I don't want to revert to prehistoric times where the men were dragging us back to the cave by our hair. A lot of women get more education, make more money, pay more bills, pay for dates and that is fine. But some traditions should be preserved, don't you think? I asked a man who has been happily married for 14 years how he would have felt if his wife had proposed to him and he said he would've felt like a "wuss" (his word, not mine). And rightly so. Proposing marriage is the first step in creating that leadership position in the home. Soooo, if a woman does it, she's taking away from that moment and stealing her man's thunder, if you ask me.
But that's just me! ;-)
Patiently waiting for HIM to put a ring on it,
Alonna
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Why Married People Annoy Me!
Let me preface this by saying, this post is all in good fun, so don't get offended and get your panties in a bunch if you're married. Now, if any of these sound like you, well, then you just may need to change...tee hee. Seriously, though, don't get mad. :-)
Marriage was created by God so it is a beautiful thing, but some married people get on my n-e-r-v-e-s! And here's why:
1. No matter how busted their relationship was before, as soon as they get married, they become marriage experts.
Y'all dated for 15 years, broke up 35 times and have only been married for 6 months, yet you want to tell me what I'M doing wrong? OMG. SITDOWN.
2. Once they have children, that's all they talk about.
I love children and hope to pop out a few one day, but if every, single conversation we have is about little Johnny making a poop in the potty or little Susie's diaper rash, I'm not calling you as much. Read a magazine, turn on the news, get some other topics please! Oh, and if you are one of those parents who puts a 1 year old on the phone to "talk", you are a bamma and your friends have asked me to tell you to stop! That shiggity is annoying!
3. They don't have sex.
Soooo, as someone who's finally trying to be celibate and honor God, (yes, I'm telling you all of my business) I can't stand when I hear married people say they haven't been intimate in weeks, months, years...what is the problem?! Aint nothing making you that tired every single day where you can't have sex with your husband or wife. And if there is, you might wanna get a pill for that ASAP. Single people aren't supposed to have sex, married people don't want to have sex, this does not seem fair!!!!!
4. They say things like, "Don't worry you will find someone...one day," or, "I am soooo glad I don't have to date anymore because it's rough out there."
Gee, thanks. Single people who want to get married love to hear comments like those. Have you considered becoming a motivational speaker? Better yet, you should take your positivity on the road. Why don't you fly on over to Africa and eat cheeseburgers in front of starving women and children?
5. They are always trying hook you up as if being single is a sickness.
Furthermore, please tell me why the hook ups are always with the most REject people they know? Listen: being single is not a horrible thing and I'd rather remain that way than date your cousin Clayvon. Clayvon has issues.
6. They expect you to sympathize with their dumb, petty fights.
If the worst thing your wife does is burn the rice, consider yourself lucky and please shut the heck up.
7. They act like they can't do anything separate from their spouses.
Your friends want you to come out to see Sex and the City 2 but you want to go with your husband?!! WHY?!! He can't remember Carrie from Samantha from Charlotte from Miranda. He doesn't understand why we cried when Carrie broke Aidan's heart BOTH times. He doesn't get why we were all plotting Big's death and he doesn't care! Leave that man at home and go out with your girls!!!
8. They talk as though married life is the only thing in the world and if you don't want to get married or aren't married yet, something is wrong with you.
The divorce rate is high for a reason - marriage is hard and it isn't for everyone. Single people everywhere rejoice over the fact that we have waited each time we hear about another dysfunctional, divorcing married couple.
OR ON THE FLIP SIDE...
9. They make marriage sound like it is terrible.
"Don't ever get married," some of them say. Wow. I'm sure your spouse would love to hear that. Why DID you get married if it's so bad? Some don't know if they want to be married or single...make up your mind! The Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8).
10. They say things like, "My life just wasn't complete 'til I married Jermaine."
Really??? You should come to your marriage as complete and as whole as can be or you will have problems. No HUMAN can complete you and even the most perfect person for you will disappoint and hurt you from time to time. If you're looking for completion, look to GOD.
11. As soon as they get divorced they start blowing up their single friends' phones trying to go out.
Umm, where ya been bamma? Oh, NOW you can hang?! LOL! And how about the ones who get mad when you don't wanna go to the club with them?! Single people don't party every night and not all single peeps go clubbing either. Not all of us are constantly on the prowl...some of us are, dare I say it? Happily single?? ;-)
Haaaa!!!
Keep your rings on people!
Love ya!
Alonna
Marriage was created by God so it is a beautiful thing, but some married people get on my n-e-r-v-e-s! And here's why:
1. No matter how busted their relationship was before, as soon as they get married, they become marriage experts.
Y'all dated for 15 years, broke up 35 times and have only been married for 6 months, yet you want to tell me what I'M doing wrong? OMG. SITDOWN.
2. Once they have children, that's all they talk about.
I love children and hope to pop out a few one day, but if every, single conversation we have is about little Johnny making a poop in the potty or little Susie's diaper rash, I'm not calling you as much. Read a magazine, turn on the news, get some other topics please! Oh, and if you are one of those parents who puts a 1 year old on the phone to "talk", you are a bamma and your friends have asked me to tell you to stop! That shiggity is annoying!
3. They don't have sex.
Soooo, as someone who's finally trying to be celibate and honor God, (yes, I'm telling you all of my business) I can't stand when I hear married people say they haven't been intimate in weeks, months, years...what is the problem?! Aint nothing making you that tired every single day where you can't have sex with your husband or wife. And if there is, you might wanna get a pill for that ASAP. Single people aren't supposed to have sex, married people don't want to have sex, this does not seem fair!!!!!
4. They say things like, "Don't worry you will find someone...one day," or, "I am soooo glad I don't have to date anymore because it's rough out there."
Gee, thanks. Single people who want to get married love to hear comments like those. Have you considered becoming a motivational speaker? Better yet, you should take your positivity on the road. Why don't you fly on over to Africa and eat cheeseburgers in front of starving women and children?
5. They are always trying hook you up as if being single is a sickness.
Furthermore, please tell me why the hook ups are always with the most REject people they know? Listen: being single is not a horrible thing and I'd rather remain that way than date your cousin Clayvon. Clayvon has issues.
6. They expect you to sympathize with their dumb, petty fights.
If the worst thing your wife does is burn the rice, consider yourself lucky and please shut the heck up.
7. They act like they can't do anything separate from their spouses.
Your friends want you to come out to see Sex and the City 2 but you want to go with your husband?!! WHY?!! He can't remember Carrie from Samantha from Charlotte from Miranda. He doesn't understand why we cried when Carrie broke Aidan's heart BOTH times. He doesn't get why we were all plotting Big's death and he doesn't care! Leave that man at home and go out with your girls!!!
8. They talk as though married life is the only thing in the world and if you don't want to get married or aren't married yet, something is wrong with you.
The divorce rate is high for a reason - marriage is hard and it isn't for everyone. Single people everywhere rejoice over the fact that we have waited each time we hear about another dysfunctional, divorcing married couple.
OR ON THE FLIP SIDE...
9. They make marriage sound like it is terrible.
"Don't ever get married," some of them say. Wow. I'm sure your spouse would love to hear that. Why DID you get married if it's so bad? Some don't know if they want to be married or single...make up your mind! The Bible says a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways (James 1:8).
10. They say things like, "My life just wasn't complete 'til I married Jermaine."
Really??? You should come to your marriage as complete and as whole as can be or you will have problems. No HUMAN can complete you and even the most perfect person for you will disappoint and hurt you from time to time. If you're looking for completion, look to GOD.
11. As soon as they get divorced they start blowing up their single friends' phones trying to go out.
Umm, where ya been bamma? Oh, NOW you can hang?! LOL! And how about the ones who get mad when you don't wanna go to the club with them?! Single people don't party every night and not all single peeps go clubbing either. Not all of us are constantly on the prowl...some of us are, dare I say it? Happily single?? ;-)
Haaaa!!!
Keep your rings on people!
Love ya!
Alonna
Thursday, May 13, 2010
DON'T DATE THIS MAN!!!
Dating can be fun, but it can also be brutal and feel like a waste of time. Think about those occasions when you realized you got all dressed up to hang out with a buster. Ladies, print this list and keep it in your purse so you can critique all of the men you meet from now on! If any of these guys approach you, DO NOT give out your number! :-)
1. The Metrosexual
He dresses well - knows about complementing colors, not just matching, girl. He likes fine wine and keeps his mani and pedi FRESH every two weeks...is he gay? Maybe. A lot of hetero men who are THAT put together have a woman in their lives guiding them through the fashion, cuisine and hygiene worlds. You can always tell when a straight man is not in a relationship. He may be clean, nicely dressed and well spoken but something is always a tad bit off. Why does he have on white sweat socks with black dress shoes? or Why is he wearing those tacky sunglasses? or Why aren't his nails a little bit cleaner? Cuz he's STRAIGHT! Lol. If a man is so fresh and so clean and so perfect ALL the time he may be GAY. Keep him in your cell but file him under "friend".
2. The Baby Baby Baby Daddy
Today, it is almost impossible to meet someone who DOES NOT have children. I've learned that excluding men based on the fact that they are fathers isn't fair and can cause you to miss out on some really great guys. Soooo, I'm open to dating a baby daddy. HOWEVER, if he has 3+ kids by 3+ baby mommas, you need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is irresponsible and has commitment issues. Mark my words.
3. The Guy with the Substance Abuse Problem
There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, but the guy who gets s--t faced EVERY TIME y'all hang out has a problem. If he talks more enthusiastically about getting drunk than he does about seeing you, that's your clue to roll. My girlfriend told me about a guy who drank so much on their date that an ambulance had to be called because he had alcohol poisoning!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!! And drugs...do I really need to go there? People will argue that having a joint here and there is harmless. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, but I will say that someone who gets high everyday or multiple times a week is a...umm, weedhead. If he's always high, do you even know the real him?
4. The Cheapskate
He never wants to pay, but you know he's making a good salary? Only takes you to restaurants where you have to drive up in your car to place the order? Just buys the "necessities"? Fusses about going to the movies because he says it's a rip off? He's cheap. Give it some time, ask a few questions to find out why he's that way, but be prepared to move on. Who wants to live like that...working hard but never enjoying life?
5. The Angry Man
He flips out and gives the finger to every motorist who won't let him merge; screams at the waitress because she added a lemon wedge to the water; wants to argue with everyone, including you, about every...single...thing. Anger management issues much? Dump him immediately. Seriously, a guy this tightly wound has the potential to be physically and/or verbally abusive.
6. The Punk
Ahh, he seems wonderful at first. Always goes with your flow, never complains, never has a problem, never raises his voice....you never, ever argue. Why doesn't this man have an opinion? Furthermore, why didn't he open his mouth when that guy cut in front of you in line at the grocery store? Easy going is great; soft is not. Dismissed!
7. The Athlete or The Entertainer
This is going to cause some controversy but I don't care! I was watching "Basketball Wives" and one of them said that there is a 4% success rate for NBA marriages...I wonder why?? It doesn't matter if he played college, semi-pro, pro, a head coach, assistant coach, singing in a hole in the wall, or has 3 albums under his belt, he will think he is the shiz-nit. I have dated and have encountered some straight up DOGS under this category...I could write a book. When everything is handed to you, when women fawn all over you and you get what you want, when you want it...do you ever really appreciate anything? Maybe when you find Jesus or when you grow up...I'm not sure.
8. The Dummy
Can't find the U.S. on a world map; has no conversation -- ever...does this man even know that we have a Black president? Your IQ is dropping just by being in the same room as this man.
9. The Underachiever
He is perfectly content living with Mama until she passes away and leaves the house to him. He's been at the same job since he was 21 and has no interest in advancing - did I mention he's 40 now? He doesn't understand why you have a passport or why you actually want to SEE this big, beautiful world? After all, he's never traveled far from Maryland, DC, or Virginia. Seriously? Underachievers usually become, if they're not already, haters. They don't understand why you want more and constantly scoff at your dreams.
10. The "High" Chaser
He's never satisfied unless he has something new or is going somewhere. He can never be content with things "as is" and is always complaining about being unfulfilled or bored. Life sucks when he's not on the move. Eventually, he's going to look at you and want something "else". Leave him before he leaves you "high" and dry!
11. The Perpetrator
You thought he was so fly when you first met. He was handsome, funny, and charming. He claimed to know the finest people, eat in the finest restaurants, wear the finest clothes...but the suit he wore on date #1 is the same suit he wore on dates 3, 5, 8, and 10. He doesn't have much but wants you to think he has plenty. Now, everyone can't ball and every baller ain't what he seems (see #7) but why does dude always LIE to impress you and others? He's clearly insecure and although it may seem cute at first that he wants your approval, nobody wants to talk about labels and salaries and celebrity friends throughout every meal! Stop name dropping, homie. Your car is slick but the note is killing you and your apartment doesn't have any furniture in it!!! Get your self-esteem up! And while you're at it, why don't you try actually achieving some of those skills you lied about on your resume?
12. The Young Buck
Aww...he's so cute and hot diggity dang - he doesn't have a baby mama!!! You caught a glimpse of his muscles and almost fainted on the spot - yeah, it's true, the old heads just aren't keeping themselves up anymore. Soooo ok, he's fine, but he's also immature. He thinks dressing up is wearing black jeans, wants to borrow against his 401K to buy Christmas gifts and he doesn't know what brunch is. Dating him is fun at first, but then it gets super annoying. Give him one more goooooooooooood kiss and cut him loose.
I may be adding to this list as I move about town!!! :-)
Alonna
1. The Metrosexual
He dresses well - knows about complementing colors, not just matching, girl. He likes fine wine and keeps his mani and pedi FRESH every two weeks...is he gay? Maybe. A lot of hetero men who are THAT put together have a woman in their lives guiding them through the fashion, cuisine and hygiene worlds. You can always tell when a straight man is not in a relationship. He may be clean, nicely dressed and well spoken but something is always a tad bit off. Why does he have on white sweat socks with black dress shoes? or Why is he wearing those tacky sunglasses? or Why aren't his nails a little bit cleaner? Cuz he's STRAIGHT! Lol. If a man is so fresh and so clean and so perfect ALL the time he may be GAY. Keep him in your cell but file him under "friend".
2. The Baby Baby Baby Daddy
Today, it is almost impossible to meet someone who DOES NOT have children. I've learned that excluding men based on the fact that they are fathers isn't fair and can cause you to miss out on some really great guys. Soooo, I'm open to dating a baby daddy. HOWEVER, if he has 3+ kids by 3+ baby mommas, you need to RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is irresponsible and has commitment issues. Mark my words.
3. The Guy with the Substance Abuse Problem
There's nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, but the guy who gets s--t faced EVERY TIME y'all hang out has a problem. If he talks more enthusiastically about getting drunk than he does about seeing you, that's your clue to roll. My girlfriend told me about a guy who drank so much on their date that an ambulance had to be called because he had alcohol poisoning!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!! And drugs...do I really need to go there? People will argue that having a joint here and there is harmless. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, but I will say that someone who gets high everyday or multiple times a week is a...umm, weedhead. If he's always high, do you even know the real him?
4. The Cheapskate
He never wants to pay, but you know he's making a good salary? Only takes you to restaurants where you have to drive up in your car to place the order? Just buys the "necessities"? Fusses about going to the movies because he says it's a rip off? He's cheap. Give it some time, ask a few questions to find out why he's that way, but be prepared to move on. Who wants to live like that...working hard but never enjoying life?
5. The Angry Man
He flips out and gives the finger to every motorist who won't let him merge; screams at the waitress because she added a lemon wedge to the water; wants to argue with everyone, including you, about every...single...thing. Anger management issues much? Dump him immediately. Seriously, a guy this tightly wound has the potential to be physically and/or verbally abusive.
6. The Punk
Ahh, he seems wonderful at first. Always goes with your flow, never complains, never has a problem, never raises his voice....you never, ever argue. Why doesn't this man have an opinion? Furthermore, why didn't he open his mouth when that guy cut in front of you in line at the grocery store? Easy going is great; soft is not. Dismissed!
7. The Athlete or The Entertainer
This is going to cause some controversy but I don't care! I was watching "Basketball Wives" and one of them said that there is a 4% success rate for NBA marriages...I wonder why?? It doesn't matter if he played college, semi-pro, pro, a head coach, assistant coach, singing in a hole in the wall, or has 3 albums under his belt, he will think he is the shiz-nit. I have dated and have encountered some straight up DOGS under this category...I could write a book. When everything is handed to you, when women fawn all over you and you get what you want, when you want it...do you ever really appreciate anything? Maybe when you find Jesus or when you grow up...I'm not sure.
8. The Dummy
Can't find the U.S. on a world map; has no conversation -- ever...does this man even know that we have a Black president? Your IQ is dropping just by being in the same room as this man.
9. The Underachiever
He is perfectly content living with Mama until she passes away and leaves the house to him. He's been at the same job since he was 21 and has no interest in advancing - did I mention he's 40 now? He doesn't understand why you have a passport or why you actually want to SEE this big, beautiful world? After all, he's never traveled far from Maryland, DC, or Virginia. Seriously? Underachievers usually become, if they're not already, haters. They don't understand why you want more and constantly scoff at your dreams.
10. The "High" Chaser
He's never satisfied unless he has something new or is going somewhere. He can never be content with things "as is" and is always complaining about being unfulfilled or bored. Life sucks when he's not on the move. Eventually, he's going to look at you and want something "else". Leave him before he leaves you "high" and dry!
11. The Perpetrator
You thought he was so fly when you first met. He was handsome, funny, and charming. He claimed to know the finest people, eat in the finest restaurants, wear the finest clothes...but the suit he wore on date #1 is the same suit he wore on dates 3, 5, 8, and 10. He doesn't have much but wants you to think he has plenty. Now, everyone can't ball and every baller ain't what he seems (see #7) but why does dude always LIE to impress you and others? He's clearly insecure and although it may seem cute at first that he wants your approval, nobody wants to talk about labels and salaries and celebrity friends throughout every meal! Stop name dropping, homie. Your car is slick but the note is killing you and your apartment doesn't have any furniture in it!!! Get your self-esteem up! And while you're at it, why don't you try actually achieving some of those skills you lied about on your resume?
12. The Young Buck
Aww...he's so cute and hot diggity dang - he doesn't have a baby mama!!! You caught a glimpse of his muscles and almost fainted on the spot - yeah, it's true, the old heads just aren't keeping themselves up anymore. Soooo ok, he's fine, but he's also immature. He thinks dressing up is wearing black jeans, wants to borrow against his 401K to buy Christmas gifts and he doesn't know what brunch is. Dating him is fun at first, but then it gets super annoying. Give him one more goooooooooooood kiss and cut him loose.
I may be adding to this list as I move about town!!! :-)
Alonna
A Good Man
I would be remiss if I didn't follow up my last post with another, describing the characteristics of a good man. I'm talking to the ladies this time, but fellas, let's see how YOU measure up! :-p
A good man:
1. Loves God more than he loves you.
Like I told the men, someone who has a strong relationship with the Lord just isn't going to do certain things. Again, you should never expect perfection, but he will think differently, act differently, and speak to you differently. He will pray FOR you and WITH you, and no, saying grace doesn't count. God gives us guidelines on how to treat one another - yes the Bible does talk about honesty and fidelity and reaping what you sow. A man who loves the Lord will understand these guidelines and will live by them. You won't have to worry about what he's doing because he is accountable to God before he is accountable to you. And best believe if he steps out of line, the Holy Spirit will put him right back on it. The Bible says that "The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He will." (Proverbs 21:1). You want your "king" to have an ear that is turned towards God's lips. He will wait to hear from the Lord before he acts. He will make sound decisions for your family. You will not have to worry about him spending the mortgage at the casino or sleeping with his administrative assistant. He will seek the Lord in everything he does. I have learned very, very painful lessons from dealing with men who DO NOT have a relationship with God. They have no idea how to treat anybody, especially a woman.
2. Is trustworthy.
I was thinking about how much time we spend away from our significant others. A job may consume at least 10-12+ hours a day, including travel. With that much time apart, you had better be with a man you can trust. Trust is critical to all relationships and once broken, it is almost impossible to repair. A good man WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. HE WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU. He will be where he says he's going to be and with the person/people he says he’s going to be with. This means that if he says he's going out with Craig, Craig is not really Lisa from the office who has a crush on him. BAMMA! It is absolutely, 100% FOOLISH to stay with a man whom you do not trust.
3. Works.
This goes without saying, right? Wrong. I have seen too many tired dudes in relationships with women who work harder than they do. How do you say goodbye to your girlfriend/wife every morning, then sit your behind on the couch and do nothing all day? The Bible says, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thessalonians 3:10). It also says that a man who does not provide for his family is WORSE THAN an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Men are natural providers (supposed to be, anyway). If he has no desire to work, to find work (if he's unemployed for whatever reason), if he has no problem watching you take care of everything while he chills, he is NOT A MAN. Please dump him immediately. Now, if he is your husband...you need to get on your knees every, single night PRAYING for this boy (yes, I said boy) to change. And this is exactly the reason why it is unwise to marry someone who does not fit criteria #1.
4. Takes care of his children.
If he made them, he should be paying for them AND spending time with them. A deadbeat father is a deadbeat man. He is not even a man. He needs Jesus. Leave him alone.
5. Does what he says he's going to do.
There is nothing more infuriating than someone who says he will do something and then doesn’t do it. A good man keeps his word. If a man doesn’t follow through with the things he says he’s going to do, that’s a form of lying, wouldn't you agree? If you are dating someone like this, think about the big picture and how it would be if you ever had children together. Would you want someone who makes promises to your babies and then breaks them? Many children have sat by the telephone or by the door waiting on a “man” who did not keep his word.
6. Can take criticism.
No man wants to hear that he is falling short, but when the criticism is constructive and is said from a loving place, pride and ego should fly out the window and maturity and open-mindedness should walk in the door. You should be able to tell your man if something isn’t working for you and he should be able to listen to and receive what you have to say. Outside of issues that arise within your relationship, he may need to hear criticism about his professional and personal decisions. As a woman you offer a different perspective and what you have to say IS important. If he is always on the defensive and never wants to hear what you have to say, he has some growing up to do.
7. Respects his Momma.
Where do I even begin with this one? A man who does not respect his mother is not even worth the time of day. This damaged relationship is a perfect indication of how he is going to treat YOU. Does he neglect her? He will neglect YOU. Talk down to her? He will talk down to YOU. Ignore birthdays and holidays? Umm...do I need to go on? This is the woman who gave him life and he mistreats her? NOT good….Now, if your man has a crazy mother, it is still important to watch how he handles her. When we were children, we were supposed to obey our parents (Ephesians 6:1), but as adults we are told to honor them (Exodus 20:12). Honor. This is important to remember when you are dealing with a parent who brings drama and confusion. I’m not saying he has to subject himself to abuse of any kind, but he should still do HIS part in their relationship – call her, check in, just to make sure she is well. He may have to limit his contact with her because of her issues, but unless she is physically or emotionally abusive to him or you or your family, he should never just cut her off or disrespect her. I’ve never met a man who treated his mother poorly who treated his woman well.
8. Supports your dreams.
Women are told to support their men. “Stand by your man,” is how the song goes, right? Well, we need men who will stand by us as well. A good man will support your dreams. He will not be insecure when you announce that you want to go back to school or start your own business. He will not hate on you or try to put roadblocks in your way as you travel the path towards your destiny. Some men see your ascension as the decline of the relationship…i.e. if you better yourself, then you won’t want him anymore. Assure him that your self-improvement is not about him, it’s about you. If he can’t deal with that then…(I’ll let you finish that sentence!)
9. Will commit OR will be honest about not wanting to commit.
One year, two years, three, five, seven, TEN years and he hasn’t married you? Made some babies with you too? Lovely. I shouldn’t need to tell you that this man has commitment issues. Why are you still wasting your time? A good man will lock it down and put a ring on it but if he doesn’t want to get married, that’s perfectly OKAY AS WELL. There are some good men out here who may not want to be married, but they won’t lead you on either if they know that’s what you want.
10. Wants to know you/Is trying to learn you.
A good man will engage in conversations that will allow him to learn more about you. As he gets to know you, he will apply this knowledge in the relationship and will treat you according to what he has discovered. He should know your birthday, your favorite color, your favorite food, your dreams, your family issues, your personal struggles…all the things that make you, YOU! If he seems disinterested or always forgets the things you tell him, he is not the one for you.
11. Puts YOU first.
Respecting his mother is one thing, but treating her like SHE is his boo, or letting her punk you or mistreat you is another. A good man will elevate you to the #1 position in his life (well, #2 after God). As a wife, you should be his priority. When a man neglects to spend time with you because of familial “obligations” or plans with “Momma and ‘em” that is a HUGE problem. If he is determined to financially support his friends, his momma, his daddy, brother, sister, cousin...whoever, and it is hurting you and your family THAT is a problem! If you are not married, pay attention to these signs early. If he tells you that he wants to marry you but also says things like, “Well, my family comes before you,” what do you think he will be like after you get married? Hmmm??
12. Will recognize a good woman.
Are YOU a good woman? ☺
"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22).
YOU ARE A GOOD THING!!! Never settle and don’t let the men who fall short make you believe that what you want is unrealistic. WAIT for that good man and then REJOICE and LOVE him with everything you have when he finds you!!
He's out there!
Blessings,
Alonna
A good man:
1. Loves God more than he loves you.
Like I told the men, someone who has a strong relationship with the Lord just isn't going to do certain things. Again, you should never expect perfection, but he will think differently, act differently, and speak to you differently. He will pray FOR you and WITH you, and no, saying grace doesn't count. God gives us guidelines on how to treat one another - yes the Bible does talk about honesty and fidelity and reaping what you sow. A man who loves the Lord will understand these guidelines and will live by them. You won't have to worry about what he's doing because he is accountable to God before he is accountable to you. And best believe if he steps out of line, the Holy Spirit will put him right back on it. The Bible says that "The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He will." (Proverbs 21:1). You want your "king" to have an ear that is turned towards God's lips. He will wait to hear from the Lord before he acts. He will make sound decisions for your family. You will not have to worry about him spending the mortgage at the casino or sleeping with his administrative assistant. He will seek the Lord in everything he does. I have learned very, very painful lessons from dealing with men who DO NOT have a relationship with God. They have no idea how to treat anybody, especially a woman.
2. Is trustworthy.
I was thinking about how much time we spend away from our significant others. A job may consume at least 10-12+ hours a day, including travel. With that much time apart, you had better be with a man you can trust. Trust is critical to all relationships and once broken, it is almost impossible to repair. A good man WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. HE WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU. He will be where he says he's going to be and with the person/people he says he’s going to be with. This means that if he says he's going out with Craig, Craig is not really Lisa from the office who has a crush on him. BAMMA! It is absolutely, 100% FOOLISH to stay with a man whom you do not trust.
3. Works.
This goes without saying, right? Wrong. I have seen too many tired dudes in relationships with women who work harder than they do. How do you say goodbye to your girlfriend/wife every morning, then sit your behind on the couch and do nothing all day? The Bible says, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thessalonians 3:10). It also says that a man who does not provide for his family is WORSE THAN an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Men are natural providers (supposed to be, anyway). If he has no desire to work, to find work (if he's unemployed for whatever reason), if he has no problem watching you take care of everything while he chills, he is NOT A MAN. Please dump him immediately. Now, if he is your husband...you need to get on your knees every, single night PRAYING for this boy (yes, I said boy) to change. And this is exactly the reason why it is unwise to marry someone who does not fit criteria #1.
4. Takes care of his children.
If he made them, he should be paying for them AND spending time with them. A deadbeat father is a deadbeat man. He is not even a man. He needs Jesus. Leave him alone.
5. Does what he says he's going to do.
There is nothing more infuriating than someone who says he will do something and then doesn’t do it. A good man keeps his word. If a man doesn’t follow through with the things he says he’s going to do, that’s a form of lying, wouldn't you agree? If you are dating someone like this, think about the big picture and how it would be if you ever had children together. Would you want someone who makes promises to your babies and then breaks them? Many children have sat by the telephone or by the door waiting on a “man” who did not keep his word.
6. Can take criticism.
No man wants to hear that he is falling short, but when the criticism is constructive and is said from a loving place, pride and ego should fly out the window and maturity and open-mindedness should walk in the door. You should be able to tell your man if something isn’t working for you and he should be able to listen to and receive what you have to say. Outside of issues that arise within your relationship, he may need to hear criticism about his professional and personal decisions. As a woman you offer a different perspective and what you have to say IS important. If he is always on the defensive and never wants to hear what you have to say, he has some growing up to do.
7. Respects his Momma.
Where do I even begin with this one? A man who does not respect his mother is not even worth the time of day. This damaged relationship is a perfect indication of how he is going to treat YOU. Does he neglect her? He will neglect YOU. Talk down to her? He will talk down to YOU. Ignore birthdays and holidays? Umm...do I need to go on? This is the woman who gave him life and he mistreats her? NOT good….Now, if your man has a crazy mother, it is still important to watch how he handles her. When we were children, we were supposed to obey our parents (Ephesians 6:1), but as adults we are told to honor them (Exodus 20:12). Honor. This is important to remember when you are dealing with a parent who brings drama and confusion. I’m not saying he has to subject himself to abuse of any kind, but he should still do HIS part in their relationship – call her, check in, just to make sure she is well. He may have to limit his contact with her because of her issues, but unless she is physically or emotionally abusive to him or you or your family, he should never just cut her off or disrespect her. I’ve never met a man who treated his mother poorly who treated his woman well.
8. Supports your dreams.
Women are told to support their men. “Stand by your man,” is how the song goes, right? Well, we need men who will stand by us as well. A good man will support your dreams. He will not be insecure when you announce that you want to go back to school or start your own business. He will not hate on you or try to put roadblocks in your way as you travel the path towards your destiny. Some men see your ascension as the decline of the relationship…i.e. if you better yourself, then you won’t want him anymore. Assure him that your self-improvement is not about him, it’s about you. If he can’t deal with that then…(I’ll let you finish that sentence!)
9. Will commit OR will be honest about not wanting to commit.
One year, two years, three, five, seven, TEN years and he hasn’t married you? Made some babies with you too? Lovely. I shouldn’t need to tell you that this man has commitment issues. Why are you still wasting your time? A good man will lock it down and put a ring on it but if he doesn’t want to get married, that’s perfectly OKAY AS WELL. There are some good men out here who may not want to be married, but they won’t lead you on either if they know that’s what you want.
10. Wants to know you/Is trying to learn you.
A good man will engage in conversations that will allow him to learn more about you. As he gets to know you, he will apply this knowledge in the relationship and will treat you according to what he has discovered. He should know your birthday, your favorite color, your favorite food, your dreams, your family issues, your personal struggles…all the things that make you, YOU! If he seems disinterested or always forgets the things you tell him, he is not the one for you.
11. Puts YOU first.
Respecting his mother is one thing, but treating her like SHE is his boo, or letting her punk you or mistreat you is another. A good man will elevate you to the #1 position in his life (well, #2 after God). As a wife, you should be his priority. When a man neglects to spend time with you because of familial “obligations” or plans with “Momma and ‘em” that is a HUGE problem. If he is determined to financially support his friends, his momma, his daddy, brother, sister, cousin...whoever, and it is hurting you and your family THAT is a problem! If you are not married, pay attention to these signs early. If he tells you that he wants to marry you but also says things like, “Well, my family comes before you,” what do you think he will be like after you get married? Hmmm??
12. Will recognize a good woman.
Are YOU a good woman? ☺
"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." (Proverbs 18:22).
YOU ARE A GOOD THING!!! Never settle and don’t let the men who fall short make you believe that what you want is unrealistic. WAIT for that good man and then REJOICE and LOVE him with everything you have when he finds you!!
He's out there!
Blessings,
Alonna
Monday, May 10, 2010
A Good Woman
They say a good man is hard to find. I don't know who "they" are, but I have learned from experience that this statement is definitely true. We already know that women outnumber men, but even though there are plenty of "fish" in the sea, it doesn't mean the catch is always the greatest. Men: once you get past the external, the physical, the superficial, you'd better have someone you can actually stand to be around. I've heard single guys complain that it's just as hard for them to find a good woman as it is for us to find a good man (the women are rolling their eyes). Maybe these men are right. Maybe they're just blind...who knows? What I do know is that people are CRAZY these days so it is difficult to find a quality person--man or woman--period. Soooo...what is a good woman? Men, if you're reading this, I'm going to help you out and tell you what to look for!
A good woman...
1. Loves God more than she loves you.
Most men want to be the "king" of their castles, right? Well, act like one and you will be treated like one (haha!). That's another post, another time...Anyway, the true King of her life should be the Lord. A woman who loves God will communicate differently, will argue differently, will love you differently, compared to a woman who does not have that relationship. She will pray FOR you and WITH you (it's hard being a man...you do know you need prayer, right?). She will esteem you above other men, she will not cheat on you or lie to you...WHY? Because her commitment is to God first and she would never treat you in a way that would dishonor Him. Disappointing God would hurt her far more than disappointing you ever could. This doesn't mean that she is perfect. Of course, she WILL make mistakes but best believe when she does, the Lord is checking her and she will come to you and admit her shortcomings.
2. Doesn't care how much money you have/don't have.
If you're honest with yourself, a few extra dollars in your bank account would make you pretty freakin' happy, but when a woman really loves you, she doesn't care how much money you have. Does this mean you don't have to work and can be a broke down couch potato who watches Maury all day while she is on her grind? NO! But it does mean that if you are working hard everyday and taking care of yourself (or your family if you have one), she really is okay with that. You might not be able to take her on that Tahitian vacation just yet, but if your intentions are sincere, she will decorate a sandbox, fill a plastic pool with water and chill in the backyard...with you. :-)
3. Accepts your children.
**Now, if you cheated and made children outside of the relationship, this one is not for you. Furthermore, if you did that, and put your woman in a position to accept your child, aka your infidelity, you SUCK.** Anyway, if you came to the relationship with children and she made the decision to be with you, she SHOULD accept your children as a part of you. Accept doesn't mean "tolerate" either. It means that she has a genuine desire to integrate your children into your relationship. After all, how can she not care about someone who is an extension of you, the man she claims to like/love? It doesn't matter how old they are, what they look like, none of that matters. And if you get married...she should see "your" children as her children. Any woman who has a problem with that, is not the one.
4. Offers to pay.
Women love to be pampered and it feels good to be with a man who can take care of business; however, she should offer to pay every now and then. I don't know too many men whose egos would be shattered if a woman pulled out her wallet and tossed a few 20s onto the table for a meal; in fact, I think many of you would be extremely PLEASED to have the woman you like/love offer to pay. It's 2010. Many women are earning more than men and let's face it, dating can be expensive. If she offers to and enjoys paying, she is a good chick! ;-)
5. Respects your manhood.
I heard somewhere that the number 1 thing men feel is lacking in their relationships isn't sex...it's respect. WOW. That says a lot. I've seen women cuss out, degrade, and humiliate their men. If you're a woman who does this, I must say, you have a problem. Which brings me back to #1 on this list...the Bible tells wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). IF she is honoring God's Word, she will respect you. This doesn't mean she has to agree with everything you say and it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to boss her around like she is a child. But she will see you as the leader of your household and will weigh heavily the things you say. When a woman respects you, she trusts your judgment and allows you to make decisions that best benefit the relationship or the family. HOWEVER, I would be doing a disservice to the women if I didn't say this: it is hard to respect a brother who is triflin'. It is hard to respect a man who refuses to work. A man who lies. A man who doesn't respect her. A man who doesn't love her. A man who drinks too much, smokes too much and acts like an idiot. A man who is weak and indecisive. It is hard to respect a dude who comes home at 3 a.m. reeking of hoochie. Please, please, please be a respectable man.
6. Supports your dreams.
Do you feel comfortable sharing your dreams with your woman? Does she boost you? Make you feel like you can do anything? Offer to help you make moves in the direction of your goals or does she belittle everything you say? A good woman wants you to be the best man you can be. Your success will not make her feel insecure. She will listen to and do her best to support your vision. If you feel you have a good woman, tell her your dreams. Include her in that vision; don't isolate her or make her feel as though she does not have a place in this bright future you are planning.
7. Is honest with you.
This trait goes hand in hand with #s 5-6. A woman can respect your manhood and still be honest with you. If a decision you are making is not in your best interest, her best interest or in your family's best interest, I hope you'd want to know. If your dreams include you draining the savings account to invest in a business that will be a financial disaster, she can't support that and she has to tell you the truth. If what you dream is a little unrealistic, you want a woman who can tell you that - with love of course. Don't get bent out of shape when she vetoes something you are revved up to do. If you are 40 years old and are thinking about starting a career playing for the Ravens maybe you want her to say, "Umm...baby, that just might not be the best plan..."
8. Encourages you to be “more” but still accepts you for who you are.
Everyone wants to be accepted "as is" and the woman who loves you will do that. She will accept that you can't spell to save your life or that you may be a little challenged in the fashion department. If she decided to be with you, she shouldn't be trying to change you. That being said, she may see more for you than you see for yourself and when your woman loves you, she may try to propel you in the right direction. Her words may give you the encouragement you need to swallow fears that have prevented you from achieving a goal. Soooo, she accepts you but she never stops believing in you and motivating you to go the distance.
9. Is down for whatever.
Have you ever been with someone who never wanted to do ANYTHING?! Ughhhhhhh. Well, a good woman will ride out this thing called life with you. Office party/function? She's there. Looking for a car and need her opinion? She's sitting next to you on the test drive. Just want to sit in the garage in the new car and pop open a beer to celebrate? She's making the toast. Dinner with your crazy family? She's down. You get a 1 a.m. craving for IHOP and want her to eat pancakes with you? She's passing you the syrup. I'm not saying she will be a punk or a pushover and I'm definitely not saying you should be looking for her to do anything immoral or illegal with you, but the simple, fun, great things that make couplehood so spectacular, she will WANT to do with you. If she doesn't, send her on her way.
"All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend...down to ride 'til the very end, is me and my boyfriend..."
10. Appreciates the little things and respects the effort.
A good woman doesn't care that you burned the chicken wings you tried to make for dinner. Just the fact that you thought about it, went to the grocery store, came home and did your thing makes her glad! One sincere rose is just as good as 2 dozen and a card that says "I love you" may get you more play than a dinner at her favorite restaurant. If you put the effort into the relationship, she WILL appreciate it. If she doesn't, she doesn't appreciate you and you need to move on.
11. Will recognize a good man.
Are YOU a good man?
Hmmm...stay tuned for that list!!! :-)
xoxo,
Alonna
A good woman...
1. Loves God more than she loves you.
Most men want to be the "king" of their castles, right? Well, act like one and you will be treated like one (haha!). That's another post, another time...Anyway, the true King of her life should be the Lord. A woman who loves God will communicate differently, will argue differently, will love you differently, compared to a woman who does not have that relationship. She will pray FOR you and WITH you (it's hard being a man...you do know you need prayer, right?). She will esteem you above other men, she will not cheat on you or lie to you...WHY? Because her commitment is to God first and she would never treat you in a way that would dishonor Him. Disappointing God would hurt her far more than disappointing you ever could. This doesn't mean that she is perfect. Of course, she WILL make mistakes but best believe when she does, the Lord is checking her and she will come to you and admit her shortcomings.
2. Doesn't care how much money you have/don't have.
If you're honest with yourself, a few extra dollars in your bank account would make you pretty freakin' happy, but when a woman really loves you, she doesn't care how much money you have. Does this mean you don't have to work and can be a broke down couch potato who watches Maury all day while she is on her grind? NO! But it does mean that if you are working hard everyday and taking care of yourself (or your family if you have one), she really is okay with that. You might not be able to take her on that Tahitian vacation just yet, but if your intentions are sincere, she will decorate a sandbox, fill a plastic pool with water and chill in the backyard...with you. :-)
3. Accepts your children.
**Now, if you cheated and made children outside of the relationship, this one is not for you. Furthermore, if you did that, and put your woman in a position to accept your child, aka your infidelity, you SUCK.** Anyway, if you came to the relationship with children and she made the decision to be with you, she SHOULD accept your children as a part of you. Accept doesn't mean "tolerate" either. It means that she has a genuine desire to integrate your children into your relationship. After all, how can she not care about someone who is an extension of you, the man she claims to like/love? It doesn't matter how old they are, what they look like, none of that matters. And if you get married...she should see "your" children as her children. Any woman who has a problem with that, is not the one.
4. Offers to pay.
Women love to be pampered and it feels good to be with a man who can take care of business; however, she should offer to pay every now and then. I don't know too many men whose egos would be shattered if a woman pulled out her wallet and tossed a few 20s onto the table for a meal; in fact, I think many of you would be extremely PLEASED to have the woman you like/love offer to pay. It's 2010. Many women are earning more than men and let's face it, dating can be expensive. If she offers to and enjoys paying, she is a good chick! ;-)
5. Respects your manhood.
I heard somewhere that the number 1 thing men feel is lacking in their relationships isn't sex...it's respect. WOW. That says a lot. I've seen women cuss out, degrade, and humiliate their men. If you're a woman who does this, I must say, you have a problem. Which brings me back to #1 on this list...the Bible tells wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). IF she is honoring God's Word, she will respect you. This doesn't mean she has to agree with everything you say and it certainly doesn't mean you have the right to boss her around like she is a child. But she will see you as the leader of your household and will weigh heavily the things you say. When a woman respects you, she trusts your judgment and allows you to make decisions that best benefit the relationship or the family. HOWEVER, I would be doing a disservice to the women if I didn't say this: it is hard to respect a brother who is triflin'. It is hard to respect a man who refuses to work. A man who lies. A man who doesn't respect her. A man who doesn't love her. A man who drinks too much, smokes too much and acts like an idiot. A man who is weak and indecisive. It is hard to respect a dude who comes home at 3 a.m. reeking of hoochie. Please, please, please be a respectable man.
6. Supports your dreams.
Do you feel comfortable sharing your dreams with your woman? Does she boost you? Make you feel like you can do anything? Offer to help you make moves in the direction of your goals or does she belittle everything you say? A good woman wants you to be the best man you can be. Your success will not make her feel insecure. She will listen to and do her best to support your vision. If you feel you have a good woman, tell her your dreams. Include her in that vision; don't isolate her or make her feel as though she does not have a place in this bright future you are planning.
7. Is honest with you.
This trait goes hand in hand with #s 5-6. A woman can respect your manhood and still be honest with you. If a decision you are making is not in your best interest, her best interest or in your family's best interest, I hope you'd want to know. If your dreams include you draining the savings account to invest in a business that will be a financial disaster, she can't support that and she has to tell you the truth. If what you dream is a little unrealistic, you want a woman who can tell you that - with love of course. Don't get bent out of shape when she vetoes something you are revved up to do. If you are 40 years old and are thinking about starting a career playing for the Ravens maybe you want her to say, "Umm...baby, that just might not be the best plan..."
8. Encourages you to be “more” but still accepts you for who you are.
Everyone wants to be accepted "as is" and the woman who loves you will do that. She will accept that you can't spell to save your life or that you may be a little challenged in the fashion department. If she decided to be with you, she shouldn't be trying to change you. That being said, she may see more for you than you see for yourself and when your woman loves you, she may try to propel you in the right direction. Her words may give you the encouragement you need to swallow fears that have prevented you from achieving a goal. Soooo, she accepts you but she never stops believing in you and motivating you to go the distance.
9. Is down for whatever.
Have you ever been with someone who never wanted to do ANYTHING?! Ughhhhhhh. Well, a good woman will ride out this thing called life with you. Office party/function? She's there. Looking for a car and need her opinion? She's sitting next to you on the test drive. Just want to sit in the garage in the new car and pop open a beer to celebrate? She's making the toast. Dinner with your crazy family? She's down. You get a 1 a.m. craving for IHOP and want her to eat pancakes with you? She's passing you the syrup. I'm not saying she will be a punk or a pushover and I'm definitely not saying you should be looking for her to do anything immoral or illegal with you, but the simple, fun, great things that make couplehood so spectacular, she will WANT to do with you. If she doesn't, send her on her way.
"All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend...down to ride 'til the very end, is me and my boyfriend..."
10. Appreciates the little things and respects the effort.
A good woman doesn't care that you burned the chicken wings you tried to make for dinner. Just the fact that you thought about it, went to the grocery store, came home and did your thing makes her glad! One sincere rose is just as good as 2 dozen and a card that says "I love you" may get you more play than a dinner at her favorite restaurant. If you put the effort into the relationship, she WILL appreciate it. If she doesn't, she doesn't appreciate you and you need to move on.
11. Will recognize a good man.
Are YOU a good man?
Hmmm...stay tuned for that list!!! :-)
xoxo,
Alonna
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
My Sister, My Rival, My...Enemy?
Chris Rock once said in one of his stand up performances:
"Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them: 'fk that b----h'. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that b---h's throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man."
Chris Rock can deliver a joke in a way that will make anybody laugh and I cracked up the first time I heard this. But after I stopped laughing, I started wondering...why do some women have that mentality? And why do others find it hard to get along with, support, or simply compliment, another woman?
Let me start by saying: I do not think that ALL women betray and disrespect each other. If this were true, I would have NO female friends, and I have several whom I love, love, love and cherish!! :-) I am not attempting to paint every woman with the same brush, BUT the older I get, the more it seems as though women have developed a "kill or be killed" mentality when it comes to jobs, men, or anything that stands between what they don't have and what they want.
I've been blessed. I have an awesome sister and wonderful friends. We uplift and nurture each other. We celebrate each others' successes and encourage each others' dreams. We have a gangsta mentality: "If they get you, they get me..." (I'm listening to Rihanna's "Gangsta 4 Life" as I write this...LOL)! But not all women can say this. There are women who don't trust their co-workers, their so-called friends, their sisters, their cousins, even their mothers! There are women who, like Chris Rock said, would never allow their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands to interact with their friends. There are women who would have no problem betraying someone close to them to achieve a goal. Really??
Historically, women have united to fight for "our" causes: suffrage, workplace equality, motherhood, and more. We have stood up to prove that we are complex, strong, multifaceted creatures - not just sex objects or baby makers or mothers or wives. Soooo, how did we go from marching together, holding up picket signs demanding equal rights to stabbing each other in the backs? The August 2009 issue of Essence magazine features an article titled, "Black Women Behaving Badly". In it, the author examines why Black women sometimes view each other as enemies and what can be done to change this. I love Essence, but it is a magazine that has traditionally been written for Black women, and I want to broaden their perspective by stating that this is a problem among women of all races (If you have seen any of the Real Housewives shows on Bravo you probably agree with me).
As a teacher, I work in a predominantly female profession. As you can imagine, I have heard my fair share of gossip and have been on the receiving end of two-facedness and pettiness. Not too long ago, my friend was speaking about one of our co-workers and stated, "She's a really nice person, but she's always gossiping..." I replied, "If she's such a nice person, would she really be gossiping?" Perhaps some gossip is harmless...eh, perhaps, but what about the "mean girl" discussions where you tear down someone's outfit or job performance or weight? Is that innocent too? Where do we draw the line?
The Bible says, "You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor..." (Leviticus 19:16). This is a powerful statement. Do you HAVE to comment that Suzy Q wore those pants two days in a row? Do you HAVE to talk about Jane's hairdo today? Or, can you bite your tongue and keep those things to yourself? Words are potent and one slip of the tongue can cause irrevocable damage. I've heard women say not-so-nice things about other women, but I've chosen to keep those words to myself, knowing that no good can come from repeating negativity - "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." (Proverbs 26:20). I try really hard not to fuel those fires.
It was recently communicated to me that another teacher doesn't like me. When asked why, she said that she "just doesn't"...NO reason other than that. This woman doesn't know me. We have never had a conversation that exceeded 2-3 minutes, but she doesn't like me?? Hmmm...When I was much younger, I was extra sensitive and my feelings stayed hurt behind what someone else said about me. I hated to be disliked or misread, but now I usually brush my shoulders off and attribute certain negative behaviors to someone "just being a woman". At 31 years old, I'm used to it...isn't that sad? We become used to being discussed, used to being looked up and down, used to having everything we say or do dissected - in search of some flaw, some weakness to exploit and broadcast to anyone willing to listen. I've heard overweight women tear down thin women; thin women criticize overweight women; fashionable women make jokes about the less fashionable; mothers put down non-mothers; I could go on and on. It irks me when I eat Special K or Healthy Choice and hear comments from other women such as, "What? Are YOU on a diet? Why are YOU on a diet? You need to eat!" Umm...seriously?? Maybe I just like Special K and Healthy Choice, maybe that's what I had a taste for today, maybe you need to mind your business and worry about what you're eating and not what I'm eating...Although the conversation led to a discussion about how thin I am, the words didn't sound like compliments, they sounded like jabs...
Soooo...where do these attitudes stem from? Insecurity? Immaturity? Stupidity? We often chalk a lot of these behaviors up to good, old-fashioned hatin', and sometimes we are right...but is it always about hatin' or is it something deeper? In the Essence article it mentions that "At the core of being able to be a sister...is being able to love yourself...intrinsic to sisterhood is self-love, self-esteem and understanding and accepting who you are." WOW. Let me restate that as simply as possible: When you really feel good about YOU, you ain't thinkin' about puttin' down others! Get it? :-)
Speaking from experience, I know that it can be difficult to be excited for someone when she reaches a goal you've wanted so badly. How can you be happy for your YOUNGER sister who is pregnant with her third child, when you and your husband have been struggling just to make baby #1? Or...you send out 10 resumes a day and can't find a new job, but your best friend sends out ONE and is immediately hired? Or maybe...you go to church, pray, practice abstinence and still...no husband, but your loose-as-a-goose neighbor has been with more men than you can count yet she will be skipping down the aisle with Mr. Perfect in six months...SUCKS, right? Of course it does. But how do you prevent your feelings from escalating from understandable disappointment to plain ol' jealousy and hateration? Being a green-eyed monster is unattractive on even the most beautiful woman. If you are Christian, I have an answer for you: Remember that what God has for you is for you, and that those things will happen on His time, when He is ready. You don't have to feel bitterness or envy because of that child, that job, or that husband. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Soooo, yes it's hard, yes it seems unfair, but the psalmist told you everything you need to know right there: God will give you the desires of your heart, IF you delight in Him.
Right before I turned 30, I couldn't BELIEVE I was still single. Thirty and single? That wasn't the plan I had for my life. I was that chick wiling out, exclaiming, "WHAT??? WHO is getting married? How is SHE getting married before ME?" Cry, cry, boo hoo, poor Alonna. Where did that mentality get me? Nowhere! It took some time, but God really had to work on me to start changing my perspective, to start trusting in Him. Once I did that, I could be happy for other women. I could genuinely be excited for my friend who was getting married or my friend who'd just learned she was going to have a baby. I don't have to be mad at another woman who seemingly has "more" than I do. I also learned to stop romanticizing/fantasizing everyone's situations...nothing is perfect and sometimes we envy another woman, having no idea what her story is. STOP IT. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. OK? :-)
When you are unable to accept who you are and where you are, when you don't grab a hold of your thought life, when you continue to envy others and lament when things don't go your way, you may end up resorting to drastic measures to get what you want on your time. You stretch the truth or snitch on a co-worker, hoping to win favor with your supervisor. Maybe tattling or lying will work or maybe it will backfire and you will be exposed for being petty, dishonest and unprofessional. You sleep with another woman's husband because you are 35 and tired of being single. He SAYS he is leaving her and he SAYS he loves you and he SAYS he wants to be with you, but it's been a year and you're still single and he's still married. Why would you do that to another woman? What good can come to you when you attempt to destroy someone's covenant relationship? You try to justify it because it's not like you know her and if she were really doing her "job", he wouldn't have approached you, right? Nope. Wrong. You are wrong, wrong and mo' wrong. A woman from the Essence article declares, "We are our sister's keeper, and if we fail to bring life to our relationships, we automatically sow death." DEATH. The DEATH of your morals, the DEATH of a relationship, the DEATH of your job...it goes on and on...
Recently, a woman in my life hurt me deeply because of a man. It wasn't just the loss of the man that stung, it was the fact that my "sister" had participated in that game. At one point, I was so bothered I could barely look at, much less speak to her, yet I had no choice. Ironically, she also ended up hurt after all was said and done. Perhaps the drama could have been avoided had she made different choices - honoring sisterhood over a temporary want with a bamma who was no good from the jump. I'm working on forgiveness, but I don't think our relationship will ever be what it could have been...See? More death.
Many of us are intimidated by or have been burned by women, so we carry with us these distrustful and demeaning attitudes towards each other, failing to realize that we are more alike than we think. At the end of the day, we want the same things and we hurt from the same pains and disappointments. Unfortunately, we never get to know each other on an intimate level because instead of promoting respect and love, we encourage backbiting and hate. If we grew to the place of having a genuine desire to want the best for each other - even women we don't know - those walls would come down and the fears would slowly begin to disappear. Essence quotes Toni Morrison, who stated in a commencement address: "I want not to ask you but to tell you not to participate in the oppression of your sisters...I am alarmed by the violence that women do to each other: professional violence, competitive violence, emotional violence. I am alarmed by the willingness of women to enslave other women...We are moving in the direction of freedom and the function of freedom is to free someone else."
Yes, you ARE your sister's keeper.
Love and sisterhood,
A.S.
"Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them: 'fk that b----h'. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that b---h's throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man."
Chris Rock can deliver a joke in a way that will make anybody laugh and I cracked up the first time I heard this. But after I stopped laughing, I started wondering...why do some women have that mentality? And why do others find it hard to get along with, support, or simply compliment, another woman?
Let me start by saying: I do not think that ALL women betray and disrespect each other. If this were true, I would have NO female friends, and I have several whom I love, love, love and cherish!! :-) I am not attempting to paint every woman with the same brush, BUT the older I get, the more it seems as though women have developed a "kill or be killed" mentality when it comes to jobs, men, or anything that stands between what they don't have and what they want.
I've been blessed. I have an awesome sister and wonderful friends. We uplift and nurture each other. We celebrate each others' successes and encourage each others' dreams. We have a gangsta mentality: "If they get you, they get me..." (I'm listening to Rihanna's "Gangsta 4 Life" as I write this...LOL)! But not all women can say this. There are women who don't trust their co-workers, their so-called friends, their sisters, their cousins, even their mothers! There are women who, like Chris Rock said, would never allow their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands to interact with their friends. There are women who would have no problem betraying someone close to them to achieve a goal. Really??
Historically, women have united to fight for "our" causes: suffrage, workplace equality, motherhood, and more. We have stood up to prove that we are complex, strong, multifaceted creatures - not just sex objects or baby makers or mothers or wives. Soooo, how did we go from marching together, holding up picket signs demanding equal rights to stabbing each other in the backs? The August 2009 issue of Essence magazine features an article titled, "Black Women Behaving Badly". In it, the author examines why Black women sometimes view each other as enemies and what can be done to change this. I love Essence, but it is a magazine that has traditionally been written for Black women, and I want to broaden their perspective by stating that this is a problem among women of all races (If you have seen any of the Real Housewives shows on Bravo you probably agree with me).
As a teacher, I work in a predominantly female profession. As you can imagine, I have heard my fair share of gossip and have been on the receiving end of two-facedness and pettiness. Not too long ago, my friend was speaking about one of our co-workers and stated, "She's a really nice person, but she's always gossiping..." I replied, "If she's such a nice person, would she really be gossiping?" Perhaps some gossip is harmless...eh, perhaps, but what about the "mean girl" discussions where you tear down someone's outfit or job performance or weight? Is that innocent too? Where do we draw the line?
The Bible says, "You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor..." (Leviticus 19:16). This is a powerful statement. Do you HAVE to comment that Suzy Q wore those pants two days in a row? Do you HAVE to talk about Jane's hairdo today? Or, can you bite your tongue and keep those things to yourself? Words are potent and one slip of the tongue can cause irrevocable damage. I've heard women say not-so-nice things about other women, but I've chosen to keep those words to myself, knowing that no good can come from repeating negativity - "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." (Proverbs 26:20). I try really hard not to fuel those fires.
It was recently communicated to me that another teacher doesn't like me. When asked why, she said that she "just doesn't"...NO reason other than that. This woman doesn't know me. We have never had a conversation that exceeded 2-3 minutes, but she doesn't like me?? Hmmm...When I was much younger, I was extra sensitive and my feelings stayed hurt behind what someone else said about me. I hated to be disliked or misread, but now I usually brush my shoulders off and attribute certain negative behaviors to someone "just being a woman". At 31 years old, I'm used to it...isn't that sad? We become used to being discussed, used to being looked up and down, used to having everything we say or do dissected - in search of some flaw, some weakness to exploit and broadcast to anyone willing to listen. I've heard overweight women tear down thin women; thin women criticize overweight women; fashionable women make jokes about the less fashionable; mothers put down non-mothers; I could go on and on. It irks me when I eat Special K or Healthy Choice and hear comments from other women such as, "What? Are YOU on a diet? Why are YOU on a diet? You need to eat!" Umm...seriously?? Maybe I just like Special K and Healthy Choice, maybe that's what I had a taste for today, maybe you need to mind your business and worry about what you're eating and not what I'm eating...Although the conversation led to a discussion about how thin I am, the words didn't sound like compliments, they sounded like jabs...
Soooo...where do these attitudes stem from? Insecurity? Immaturity? Stupidity? We often chalk a lot of these behaviors up to good, old-fashioned hatin', and sometimes we are right...but is it always about hatin' or is it something deeper? In the Essence article it mentions that "At the core of being able to be a sister...is being able to love yourself...intrinsic to sisterhood is self-love, self-esteem and understanding and accepting who you are." WOW. Let me restate that as simply as possible: When you really feel good about YOU, you ain't thinkin' about puttin' down others! Get it? :-)
Speaking from experience, I know that it can be difficult to be excited for someone when she reaches a goal you've wanted so badly. How can you be happy for your YOUNGER sister who is pregnant with her third child, when you and your husband have been struggling just to make baby #1? Or...you send out 10 resumes a day and can't find a new job, but your best friend sends out ONE and is immediately hired? Or maybe...you go to church, pray, practice abstinence and still...no husband, but your loose-as-a-goose neighbor has been with more men than you can count yet she will be skipping down the aisle with Mr. Perfect in six months...SUCKS, right? Of course it does. But how do you prevent your feelings from escalating from understandable disappointment to plain ol' jealousy and hateration? Being a green-eyed monster is unattractive on even the most beautiful woman. If you are Christian, I have an answer for you: Remember that what God has for you is for you, and that those things will happen on His time, when He is ready. You don't have to feel bitterness or envy because of that child, that job, or that husband. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Soooo, yes it's hard, yes it seems unfair, but the psalmist told you everything you need to know right there: God will give you the desires of your heart, IF you delight in Him.
Right before I turned 30, I couldn't BELIEVE I was still single. Thirty and single? That wasn't the plan I had for my life. I was that chick wiling out, exclaiming, "WHAT??? WHO is getting married? How is SHE getting married before ME?" Cry, cry, boo hoo, poor Alonna. Where did that mentality get me? Nowhere! It took some time, but God really had to work on me to start changing my perspective, to start trusting in Him. Once I did that, I could be happy for other women. I could genuinely be excited for my friend who was getting married or my friend who'd just learned she was going to have a baby. I don't have to be mad at another woman who seemingly has "more" than I do. I also learned to stop romanticizing/fantasizing everyone's situations...nothing is perfect and sometimes we envy another woman, having no idea what her story is. STOP IT. TODAY. RIGHT NOW. OK? :-)
When you are unable to accept who you are and where you are, when you don't grab a hold of your thought life, when you continue to envy others and lament when things don't go your way, you may end up resorting to drastic measures to get what you want on your time. You stretch the truth or snitch on a co-worker, hoping to win favor with your supervisor. Maybe tattling or lying will work or maybe it will backfire and you will be exposed for being petty, dishonest and unprofessional. You sleep with another woman's husband because you are 35 and tired of being single. He SAYS he is leaving her and he SAYS he loves you and he SAYS he wants to be with you, but it's been a year and you're still single and he's still married. Why would you do that to another woman? What good can come to you when you attempt to destroy someone's covenant relationship? You try to justify it because it's not like you know her and if she were really doing her "job", he wouldn't have approached you, right? Nope. Wrong. You are wrong, wrong and mo' wrong. A woman from the Essence article declares, "We are our sister's keeper, and if we fail to bring life to our relationships, we automatically sow death." DEATH. The DEATH of your morals, the DEATH of a relationship, the DEATH of your job...it goes on and on...
Recently, a woman in my life hurt me deeply because of a man. It wasn't just the loss of the man that stung, it was the fact that my "sister" had participated in that game. At one point, I was so bothered I could barely look at, much less speak to her, yet I had no choice. Ironically, she also ended up hurt after all was said and done. Perhaps the drama could have been avoided had she made different choices - honoring sisterhood over a temporary want with a bamma who was no good from the jump. I'm working on forgiveness, but I don't think our relationship will ever be what it could have been...See? More death.
Many of us are intimidated by or have been burned by women, so we carry with us these distrustful and demeaning attitudes towards each other, failing to realize that we are more alike than we think. At the end of the day, we want the same things and we hurt from the same pains and disappointments. Unfortunately, we never get to know each other on an intimate level because instead of promoting respect and love, we encourage backbiting and hate. If we grew to the place of having a genuine desire to want the best for each other - even women we don't know - those walls would come down and the fears would slowly begin to disappear. Essence quotes Toni Morrison, who stated in a commencement address: "I want not to ask you but to tell you not to participate in the oppression of your sisters...I am alarmed by the violence that women do to each other: professional violence, competitive violence, emotional violence. I am alarmed by the willingness of women to enslave other women...We are moving in the direction of freedom and the function of freedom is to free someone else."
Yes, you ARE your sister's keeper.
Love and sisterhood,
A.S.
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