You Don't Need "Closure"

The first thing Mary Harvey says in Part One of her tell-all video about ex-husband Steve Harvey is that she needs "closure".

I don't know much about their issues, nor do I care, but the minute she used that word, I instantly decided that her motives were unhealthy.

She aired all of their business, too much of their business.

All in the name of closure.

What is closure? For a woman, closure is getting answers or "peace of mind" after a relationship ends. We especially want closure after our feelings have been hurt for "no reason" or when we weren't ready for the relationship to end. We are pissed off and broken and want to know WHY?!

A few weeks ago I was thinking about a guy I dated last year. I thought we were creating something lovely, then it all went down hill. The demise of our relationship didn't cause me to lose sleep; it didn't even make me cry but I was upset because some things had occurred that I didn't understand and I wanted an explanation.

He never gave me one.

When I sat here thinking that I didn't get any "closure", I instantly had to check myself.

It's human nature to ask questions. Some of the best discoveries started as a"Why?"

But sometimes there are no answers to our questions.

Sometimes it just is.

And we have to accept that.

Calling and texting and emailing someone in an effort to learn the reasons behind his actions only hurts you. You will never get the answers you are seeking, which will lead to further pain or anger.

The best thing to do is to let it go.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter "why". All that matters is that the relationship is over for a reason and it is time for you to move on with your life.

If he cheated on you, is there really anything he can say to make you feel "better"?

If he hit you, what justifications are you seeking?

If he stopped calling, stopped asking to see you, stopped taking your calls, isn't that enough?

Why hold yourself in limbo, trying to decode all of the possible reasons why someone hurt or left you? The fact of the matter is, he did and there was nothing you could do to prevent it.

I had to stop racking my brain over the "Whys?" at the end of every relationship. I was worrying myself to death trying to understand what was not meant for me to understand. Each time, I had to say to myself "It is what it is," and that's when I was able to release the pain and move forward blissfully with my life.

As a Christian, I truly believe in Romans 8:28, which states, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (NKJV)

There's your closure right there.

--Alonna

Grow Up

I have a question for men over 30 who are still flying solo:

Why are you single?

Without hesitation some of you will blame your exes:

"She was crazy."

"She was pressuring me to get married."

"She didn't understand me at all."

A few will shrug and mumble, "I'm not ready to settle down".

A handful will say something that makes sense.

And others will have no comment.

Riiiiight.

A lot of men have convinced themselves that they are "selective". These men are always ready to recite the list of qualities they want in a wife and will complain that it's hard to find someone who meets their standards.

I'm not saying that marriage should be on every man's "To Do" list, 'cause let's face it...some wouldn't even be good at it.

BUT...

If you don't want to commit, don't say that you do.

And if you don't want to commit, don't have sex with her.

And if you don't want to commit, don't procreate with her...

But if you do...and you "love" her...why haven't you wifed her?

You know...get the license, go to the courthouse, the church, Vegas...wherever...and get married, "put a ring on it", make her your wife.

Not "wifey".

Ugh. I hate that word.

It irks me when men drag out relationships they don't want in order to use women for sex or money or as a distraction from their personal issues.

But men are not all to blame.

I wish that women made wiser choices. We have intuition and instincts that we tend to ignore.

We linger in relationships that don't fulfill us or that kill our spirits.

We know when a man is runnin' game, yet we keep hanging in there...hoping and wishing and praying...

Making excuses.

We believe it when they say things like, "All men cheat". We listen as they blame their penises, their equally weak friends, and society for why they can't be faithful or honest.

Men play with women's hearts and minds then wonder why their car windows are busted and their voice mails are filled with curses, tears and threats.

I think there'd be a lot less drama in relationships if men just said what they really wanted.

"I just want sex."

"I am only going to call you when my #1 can't hang out with me."

"I know you're a good woman, but I'm too immature to settle down right now and can't make a real commitment to you the way you deserve. I want to keep exploring my options because I really think the grass may be greener..."

Let the woman decide if she wants to deal with inconsistency, immaturity, insensitivity and foolishness.

But don't lie or tell half-truths or lead her on.

Speak up.

Man up.

Grow up.

The women of the world are waiting on you...

Alonna

Check your "list"

A few days ago, I read this status posted by a guy friend on facebook:

It's wild how some women can find plenty of excuses to hold onto a dude with so many negatives but can't find one reason to embrace one with so many positives. Then they want you to listen to them about how bad they were treated. Try listening to yourself as to why you accepted that person and rejected someone who was trying to show you better. You put yourself in that scenario.

Hmm...

Women say that it's hard to find "good" men.

This is true.

BUT...

We won't give the good ones a chance because they don't look or behave exactly the way we fantasized.

We want men who have IT together even when we don't have IT together.

We make excuses for the bad boys who mistreat us but are quick to dismiss the nice guys if they are "too" nice. These days nice = wack for some reason.

We want a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband...but don't want to compromise in the ways we should in order to maintain a healthy, adult relationship.

I know women who are knocking on 40, still making decisions based on the mentality of a 20 year old. They want money, clothes, cars, real estate...all on his dime. They won't even consider dating a guy who can't instantly upgrade their lifestyles.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be financially secure. And there's nothing wrong with desiring a mate who has a stable, substantial income.

BUT...

Before demanding all of this from a potential mate, shouldn't you be there or almost there as well? How can you desire a man with money in the bank when you have none? And why do you say "Oh, he should be able to take me on vacations," when you can't even take you on vacations?

Does the fact that he's a man automatically mean he should be ready to take over your responsibilities?

I'm shocked at the number of women who expect boyfriends or worse, just casual dates, to take on husband-like obligations.

Do you really think that your new man should be paying your bills, babysitting your children and giving you shopping money?

If the answer is yes, you are crazy.

Now, if he offers, because he cares about you, to alleviate the stress of an overdue cell phone or credit card payment, consider yourself blessed. But to expect or even demand such things from a man who is not your husband is ridiculous.

Some women can't wait to rattle off a long list of their "must haves" and before they even mention character and integrity, they are dissecting a man's looks, physique, money, job and earning potential.

If he can pay all of your bills until the day you leave this Earth does that mean he will treat you well?

No.

If he drives a Lambo during the week and a Ferrari on the weekends does that mean he is serving the God who has instructed him to love you the way Christ loved the church, and "gave himself up for her"? (Ephesians 5:25)

Nope.

Right before I met my fiance, I was interested in a guy who seemed so "exciting". He travels the world for his career, earns decent money and knows how to have fun with it. He's a cool person, and even though he acted interested, he wasn't consistent. As a result, my feelings started getting hurt when he didn't follow through on things that he said.

Five or ten years ago I would've waited a little longer, hoping that he'd step up and show me something genuine, but the 32 year old me saw the signs, pulled myself out of the situation and moved on. No harm, no foul, but also no chance with me.

If he wasn't going to cherish me the way I deserve to be cherished, I had to keep it moving.

I'm glad I made that decision because I was ready when the love of my life came calling.

Good looks, money, swag (or whatever you wanna call it) are factors to consider when choosing a mate and one should never settle for less than what she wants. But when you're looking for a life partner, don't curl your lip up at a man just because he lives in a studio apartment or takes the bus to work or doesn't earn six figures.

That "regular" guy may treat you like a queen.

You never know where the Lord plans to take the two of you together. But if you keep the superficial qualities at the top of your list, you may find yourself alone or hooked up with someone who can't do anything for you...except pay your car note.

And at the end of the day, it's just not worth it.

Check your "list"! :-)

-Alonna

Drama Queens

The other day I was talking to a friend about our new relationships.

I'm really happy.

She's...umm...happy enough.

He's a good dude - kind, considerate, loyal, loving, attractive...all of that.

Soooo, what's the problem?

According to her, he doesn't give her the "woo woos".

You know, those little butterflies...and that sparkly, fiery, Fourth of July feeling...

But what are the woo woos, really?

With the wrong man, I think they are those feelings of stress a woman experiences when she's in a doomed relationship.

Her stomach flips and dips when he doesn't return her calls, when he can't be reached on his cell and when she suspects him of cheating.

They're the feelings a woman experiences when the love she gives is taken for granted and is not reciprocated but, for some reason, she holds on.

These kind of woo woos should be called the "woe woes".

Because that's what you end up having when the guy who made you see "fireworks" turns out to be a disaster and a regret.

I don't think any woman should commit to a man who does not interest or stimulate her. If he doesn't do it for you, then he doesn't do it for you and you shouldn't force something to work just because the guy is nice and likable.

My man gives me butterflies, fireworks, and everything else in between...but he gives me love more than anything else. Drama free.

When there's no soap opera, why do we fear that he's not "the one"? That he's too boring? And too ordinary? Or too unspecial?

"What if there's someone better?" We wonder.

What if there isn't?

Maybe the calm is a sign of something good.

That saying about wanting what you can't have rings true here. We sometimes desire those unattainable men who string us along, drive us crazy and stress us out. Sure, he's physically present but you know that neither his heart nor his mind are with you.

But you still want him.

They say men enjoy the chase...some women do as well.

After surviving a series of heartbreaks with men who gave her the woo woos and the woe woes, a woman is sometimes unprepared to have a great guy come her way. If he's too loving, too available, too open, we assume that something must be wrong.

And sometimes that causes us to create our own drama...

He accidentally writes "your" instead of "you're" in his text...you want to re-enroll him in the fourth grade.

He wore the wrong socks one time so you decide that he has no style, no swag, and can't possibly be the one.

He pronounces a menu item incorrectly...obviously that means he's an idiot and is not your soul mate.

Stop it.

Stop looking for something to be wrong and let a good man love you.

The Bible defines love as follows:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

The entire passage is the bomb, but I always hover around the first three words, "Love is patient." Doesn't that mean it takes its time?

You might not get the woo woos on the first date. Maybe not even the second or third dates. But if he's a good person and you like him, isn't he worth giving a chance?

I met my boyfriend in Miami, of all places. He's from New York, I'm from Maryland and we seemed worlds apart in the beginning. For the longest time I thought he was "super cool" but I specifically told my girlfriend, "I really like him, but he is not my husband."

But we kept talking and built a friendship. We enjoyed each other as people first, not as potential bed mates or even as a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

And now, he's the peanut butter to my jelly. :-)

Fireworks don't always ignite in the beginning. And maybe that's a good thing. Sometimes fireworks are really lust and infatuation. Give it a reasonable amount of time. Accept him for who he is and not for who you want him to be.

Don't compare him to any jokers from your past who gave you that tingly feeling but also broke your heart.

Don't start fights to test him.

Don't challenge his manhood.

Don't be a drama queen.

:-)

Alonna

He's For Real (this post is for the ladies)

I love being a woman.

But sometimes we let our emotions and our over-analytical minds get the best of us.

We constantly dissect men's actions and words. Twisting and turning and spinning them upside down, trying to make sense out of those things which are obvious.

A woman will make all kinds of excuses for a man she likes. We will read too much into everything, looking for deep, soulful meanings instead of accepting a situation for what it is.

I'm finding that men are very easy to read. And the good ones are even easier because they don't lie or lead us on. :-)

I've been thinking a lot about New Boo, comparing him to others from my past. So far, he stands out in a lot of ways from all of them.

I think he's for real.

But how do you know?

1) He doesn't play games. Mature men know what they want. When a man likes you, he's going to act like it...pretty much from the jump. He won't purposely ignore your calls in an effort to keep you thirsty or to not seem too pressed. He won't try to ignite your interest by talking about all of the other women who want his mind, body and soul. If he wants you, he's not going to do anything that may push you away.

2) He tells you how he feels and what he wants AND it doesn't change daily.
Aretha sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I want to write a song about C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y. Any man can tell you that he cares about you and desires a future with you. The man who is for real feels this way everyday. Oh yeah, and he acts like it.

3) He does what he says he's going to do. Inconsistent men (see #2) don't keep their word. Don't make excuses when he says he's going to call you back, then doesn't; makes plans, then breaks them; gets you excited about going out or on vacation and then doesn't follow through. Chuck up the deuces to bammas like this!

4) He wants to spend as much time with you as he can. Don't confuse this one with a man who is possessive, though. When a man is for real, he WANTS to be around you. He is not going to constantly choose a night out with the guys or an evening with Madden 11 over you! If he is cool with going days and days and days without seeing you, he's not that serious. You can keep telling yourself that he's busy or works hard or has to spend time with his children or his family, but all you're doing is kidding yourself. People make time for the things they want.

5) He makes plans. I was in a relationship with a man for five years and we never took one vacation together. No, going to visit his family in Lewisberg, NC does not count. He never took the time to plan an evening or a weekend or a holiday and that bothered me a lot. It is one of the many reasons we aren't together anymore - he was so lackadaisical about our relationship. Women are often the planners. We like paying attention to details and doing the research to find a new restaurant or vacation spot. I get that; I'm okay with that. BUT every now and then, the man needs to do something. If he doesn't, you may want to inquire...

6) He wants everyone to know about you - including other women. Friends don't know that you exist? Stutters and can't get your name out of his mouth when other women are around? Blows his top when you write on his Facebook wall, "Hey baby, have a great day!"? Ditch him.

7) He wants to talk to you, learn you, know you and remembers the things you say. You love Mexican with extra guacamole? He knows. Red velvet cupcakes? He bought some for your birthday. The argument you had with your Mom? He wants to know if you're okay. The co-worker who gets on your last nerve? She gets on his nerves too and he's never even met her. He knows your siblings' and friends' names, your favorite color, favorite movie, favorite wine. Your conversations are give and take...not all about him. He enjoys learning what makes you, YOU!

Listen, it's okay if a man isn't into you...everything ain't for everybody. And the sooner you know that he's not your match, the sooner the right one can make his way towards you.

But don't waste your time making excuses!

Wait for the real deal,

Alonna

"A Fair Shake"

"I'ma need you to have some faith," he said to me.

Faith.

Although it is a noun, that word definitely feels like a VERB at times since it requires you to DO so much. Like step out there. Put your fears aside. And trust.

New boo has been in my life for a few months. We aren't official yet but things are good.

He says the right things, does the right things and I haven't had to raise my eyebrow or give him the side eye about anything.

Yet.

I say "yet" because I've been there, done that...got the t-shirt, the key chain and the hat.

The last guy I liked wanted me to relocate to NC to be with him. Two months in, he was talking about marriage and babies.

I should've known better.

He seemed sincere. Didn't appear to be the type to run game. Went on and on for months about how much he cared for me and how he had never felt so strongly about a woman so quickly...etc., etc., etc...

All of that yakkety yak and he wasn't over his ex.

There I was spending my hard earned MONEY and my priceless TIME flying back and forth to see him and he was mailing her romantic birthday cards and doing God only knows what else. Ain't that some bull*&%$....?

Got his spot blown up on Facebook, of all places.

Smh.

I'm relieved that I found out sooner than later that he was fluent in two languages - English and LIE.

But I can't pretend I'm not human. There were feelings involved and it stung.

Did I mention that I hate to fly?

Can I send that bamma a bill?

Lately my story seems to be: Meet a guy, let down my guard, he does something ridiculous, I roll, and the recovery process begins.

After this last attempt ended so badly, I started wondering if my relationship failures are my fault. I've been wondering if I am choosing the wrong men...

Soooo...I'm being extremely cautious this time.

Words mean nothing anymore. Actions win all. Consistent actions. No exceptions.

New boo is worried that I can't give him "a fair shake" (his words) because of my past. It's not that I want to penalize him for the mistakes of others...I just don't want to give my heart or waste my time on any more undeserving men.

I'm too old for the endless fighting, the games, the lies, the half-truths, the omissions, the confusion, and the back and forth.

And I'm too old and too Christian to bust out the windows of a man's car because he lacks the "act right" to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

There is no way of knowing what will happen between two people in a relationship. It is impossible to predict another person's actions and the only one you can control is you. You go in optimistic and open to the possibilities but you keep your eyes wide open.

You don't rush commitment before you or your potential partner are ready.

You don't negotiate your non-negotiables.

And you never ignore the signs and your intuition.

New boo is getting the fair shake he's asking for...I am slowly opening up but I don't want my emotions to get the best of me and blur my vision of what's reality and what's fantasy. One thing I've tried to get him to understand is that I have learned from my mistakes and I refuse to repeat them.

It's not personal.

It's not being defensive or cold or putting up walls.

It's using wisdom.
"Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment." (New Living Translation, Proverbs 4:7)

And if he is on the up and up...we will be good.

And if not...well, I will add his name to the history book.

I'm still giving love a chance but I'm certainly not opposed to kicking anyone to the curb with the quickness...

Alonna
:-)

Stick to rapping, Nelly

I listened to a brief interview that Nelly ("Hot in Herre") gave on a radio show. The host asked him why he thinks so many black women are single.

(Listen to the interview here: http://bossip.com/291322/nelly-chimes-in-on-why-so-many-black-women-are-single-video69691/)

The first thing I wondered was why she asked NELLY of all people that question...I mean, how long has he been with Ashanti...did he put a ring on it yet?

Anyway, I digress.

Soooo, basically Nelly stated that women want the "perfect guy" and will turn down the "nice guy" who may not "look the part" for the wrong guy who does look the part, even though he isn't on his job.

Is it really that simple, Nelly?

I don't think women are looking for the perfect guy. When maturity and real life set in, most of us understand that perfection doesn't exist.

We know there's no knight in shining armor waiting to carry us off into the sunset to live happily ever after as soon as we are of marrying age. We also understand that we are far from perfect, so how can we demand perfection in a mate?

What a woman really wants is a man who is "perfect" for her. We want a man who can meet whatever emotional, physical or economical needs we require for our lives.

Does he have to be 6'5" with a perfect face, perfect teeth, and perfect skin? Nope. Muscles bulging all over and a six pack that could grate cheese? Nah.

I will step out there on behalf of women to say that a man who is honest, faithful, responsible, independent and hardworking is way more desirable than a "perfect" one. And yes, we definitely would like him to be clean, well-groomed and attractive. But as far as I'm concerned, if a man is these things, I can deal with him leaving the toilet seat up and watching football all day on Sunday.

I thought these were the basics but maybe I'm wrong.

Now, every woman will have additional spiritual, financial and emotional criteria based on her individual preferences, but nobody is looking for perfection, Nelly.

In reference to the comment that women shun the nice guys: I will admit, some women are attracted to the stereotypical "bad boy" - the mysterious, inconsistent, charming, yet manipulative and selfish man who never opens up his heart in an effort to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.

BUT...

That's not all women. That's not even most.

Women do want that "nice guy", Nelly. But should a woman be with a man based on his "nice" qualities alone? What about chemistry? Common goals? Mutual interests? Religious beliefs? There are plenty of nice guys in the world, but it's not really about that...it's about finding and connecting with the right nice guy.

Finally, Dr. Nelly stated that women need to "let a man be a man" because men need to feel "needed".

"If we're not needed...we feel like...we're useless,"

Useless indeed.

His comment not, men.

I have seen women work two jobs because their husbands or boyfriends refused to get one.

I have seen women hide black eyes that were given to them by "men" who couldn't control their tempers.

I know women who were strangers until discovering they each had children who were days, weeks, or months apart in age...all by the same "man".

"Let a man be a man." What does this mean exactly, Nelly?

Women don't want to be men.

The role of a man, as ordained by God, is a BIG one.

It requires strength, humility, intelligence, wisdom and grace.

Men know this. And so do their families who benefit from their manhood.

There is a tremendous amount of pressure and responsibility at the top--if you are on your job. And every woman I've talked to has said that she certainly isn't filling out that application.

But what does a woman do when she is forced into that role because the man in her life refuses to play his position?

She does what she has to do.

For herself, for her babies...for her family.

The problem today is that a lot of men are not men. And we could examine and dissect and discuss all of the reasons why, and maybe some of them are valid, but it is what it is...and it ain't what it ain't.

It is humorous to me when men like Nelly have all of this "advice" for women. How can a man speak on how we feel? Discuss what we need? Tell us what we should want?

He can't.

Because he's not a woman.

And he has no clue what it's like to be one.

Stick to rapping, Nelly.

:-)
Alonna