"Why Aren't You Married Yet?" (A commentary on asinine questions)

This post is dedicated to all of the people who are single, and/or who don't have children and are tired of people asking "Why?"

It is also dedicated to all of the married people who don't have children yet or who don't want to have children and are also tired of being asked "Why?"

Finally, a special dedication goes out to my friend, Malaika, who inspired me to write this. :-)

Soooo, I was on facebook the other night when I read my friend's status: Dumbest question of all time: "Why aren't you married yet"? If I knew the answer, maybe I wouldn't still be single. People stop asking this question as all you will get in return is a *blank stare*. LOL.

As someone who is 31, single, and child-less I felt the need to "Like" this status and drop a comment immediately.

I could feel her frustration because I have often been asked this question as well. It is usually asked by older people (especially family), married people, or singles who are younger than I.

I always want to reply, "None of your business" (insert an expletive between "your" and "business") but I usually say, "I haven't met the right man yet."

And this is true.

I could have married two or three wrong boyfriends years ago, but by now I may be a member of the ever growing, "I am divorced" or "I hate my spouse" clubs.

Not trying to do that.

I could have had some babies, but by now I may be a member of the "My baby daddy never pays his child support or sees his children" club.

Nope, not trying to do that either.

Soooo, here I am single and child-less.

And extremely content, may I add.

My friend Will, who's 31 and single (with 2 children) told me that 30 isn't what it used to be twenty or thirty years ago. "Thirty is really young," he said.

And I agree with him.

I am young. If 30 is the end of the road, my goodness, a lot of us are screwed.

Some of us didn't really start coming into our own until we turned 30 and boy, do we look at life a lot differently than we did five or ten years ago.

Asking someone "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" is like asking a Black person, "Why is your skin dark?" or asking a man, "Why do you have a penis?" The only ways to respond to these questions are with blank stares, as Malaika stated.

These questions are stupid because not all people want to get married or have children. And those that do, aren't going to do it just for the sake of changing their titles to "Mrs." or "Mommy."

Being single is not a bad thing. Nor is not having children. And the fact that one has delayed marriage or parenthood does not mean that something is wrong with that person. I am amazed that being divorced or being a baby mama or daddy is more acceptable than the alternatives. You are a complete and total idiot if you judge someone and believe this. Sorry, but you are.

BY NO MEANS, am I knocking anyone who is married or who has children and although I certainly want these things as well, I am A-OK with living my life as a single woman until I meet my lifelong mate.

I know happily married people. That is wonderful - confetti, balloons, rice, birdseed and all of that to you... hope to be just like ya one day. But I also know frustrated married people who are always fighting or who are on their way to divorce. I know complacent married people who have problems in their marriages but are too tired to fix them. I know mothers who are doing all of the work raising children while the fathers slack off. I know bratty little boys and girls who make my uterus contract every time I'm around them because they are under disciplined and overindulged. I know couples who want everyone to think they are "Mr. and Mrs. Married" but who don't talk to each other civilly or make love once they are behind closed doors.

I will pass...until the time is right, that is.

In the meantime, I am focusing on getting myself together so that I am ready when I meet my future husband. I will focus on making sure that I am coming to the table with more than just good looks or financial security. I want to make sure that I am coming with respect, integrity, strength, honesty, individuality, an ability to communicate effectively and a promise to always pray for and uplift my husband and our children. Being a Godly wife and mother is no easy task and I don't want to half-step it because I rushed into something without thinking.

I am also focusing on doing me. I am enjoying my own company, traveling and partying a bit with my friends. I like not having to cook when I don't want to, I love spending my money any way that I choose, and there is nothing better than being able to roll out and do whatever I want at a moment's notice. I want to get some things out of my system because, let's face it, when the husband and the children arrive, many of those luxuries will be on pause temporarily, if not forever.

I have heard men and women express regret over not waiting to marry or having their children. They wish that they had dated more, traveled more, and experienced more before settling down.

You have to know who are you are before you can give yourself completely to another human being.

You can't expect a husband or a child to complete your life. You will be devastated should any of those relationships change due to death, distance or separation.

As I approached the end of my twenties, I was overwhelmed with dread that I was not a wife or a mother, but I've learned that everything will happen on God's time.

I'm good with that.

So when people ask me, "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" I don't mind answering, "Because it's not time yet."

And if your response is, "Because I just don't want to," that is freakin' OK as well.

People should really mind their bi'ness.

:-)

Be content with where God has you,

Alonna

Why Rebounds Don't Work

Breakups.

They are a part of life.

They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.

They burn.

They hurt.

They freakin suck.

Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.

Ugh.

When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.

You want to stop crying.

You want to stop thinking about him or her.

You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)

You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."

We all handle break ups differently.

Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.

Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.

And the rest...

Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.

They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.

I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"

We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.

But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.

First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.

Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.

Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.

Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...

After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."

You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.

Soooo what is my advice?

("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)

Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?

If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.

I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.

You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.

My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.

The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.

When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.

Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.

Recover.

Rest.

Rebuild.

Restore.

So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)


Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)

"Done" With Black Men...? NEVER!

Not too long ago, one of my friends declared on his facebook page that he was "done with sistas".

Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.

When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.

I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.

*Sigh.*

Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.

Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.

Others are "done".

Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.

Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.

But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."

LOL.

I'm not addressing any of those things...today.

But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:

I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.

I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.

My father is black.

My stepfather is black.

My stepbrothers are black.

My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.

Guy friends...they're black too.

Obviously, I've had experience with black men.

It hasn't been all pretty.

In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.

Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.

Such is love and life, though.

God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).

I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.

I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)

Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:

My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)

A black man.

My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.

A black man.

Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.

Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.

They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.

They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.

Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.

Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.

Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.

A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.

Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.

A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.

Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.

A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.

A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.

Black men have wined and dined me.

Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)

Black men have prayed with me and for me.

A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.

Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.

They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.

They've shown me how to have fun.

They are not perfect.

They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.

...But doesn't everyone do these things?

They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.

They handle their business and take care of their families.

They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.

They smell so good.

They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.

For me, the good far outweighs the bad.

I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...

I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.

To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?

I love me. :-)

And I love black men.

XOXO,

Alonna

Do People DATE Anymore?

I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.

I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".

Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.

I'm over it.

I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.

Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".

Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.

I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.

When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"

*BLANK STARE*

The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?

Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.

He said he was fine with that...

I don't know what's going to happen there.

Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.

I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."

A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.

Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.

Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...

Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?

I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.

Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.

Do people DATE anymore?

I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.

Is it really worth all of that?

I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.

Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.

Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.

Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.

Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.

But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.

And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.

You sound L-O-C-O.

And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.

Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...

Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!

And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.

If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.

If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.

Just date.

And date.

And date.

And date...

Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)

Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.

And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...

Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.


All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna

The Negotiables

I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.

I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."

Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.

No one is perfect.

No relationship is perfect.

If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.

Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.

So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.

First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.

Now, on to the negotiables...

Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...

In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.

It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.

It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.

Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)

It's okay if he's the same height as you.

It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.

It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.

That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.

Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?

Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:

1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.

You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.

People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.

Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.

Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.

Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."

I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?

What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?

What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?

What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?

Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?

I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.

Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?

Nuff said.

Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.

Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.

I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."

Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.

But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.

Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.

Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)

If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.

I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.


Love and Happiness!

Alonna

The Love You Deserve

A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.

Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).

Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.

Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.

Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."

Awwww.

Doesn't that just make your insides warm?

I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.

While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.

These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.

For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.

All the lies.

All the secrets.

All the deception.

All the crap.

In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.

Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.

I deserve more than that.

I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.

People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.

You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."

Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.

But I got bills.

Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.

Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.

All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"

They think they're compromising.

All relationships involve compromise, right?

But compromising and settling are not the same.

In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.

Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:

Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"

Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."

Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."

Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.

We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.

But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.

God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.

God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?

I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."

But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.

I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.

I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.

Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?

Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."

I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".

But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.

Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.

There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.

WAIT for the love you deserve.

xoxo,

Alonna

What Women Want

"What do women want?" Chris Rock asked. "Everything! Women act like life is a big sale: 'I want to get the most s--t before things close down!' "

Chris Rock is a funny dude.

MEN!

Are you ready?

Can you even handle it?

And what will you do with this information once you've been enlightened!?

I asked single, divorced, and happily married women, some with children and some without, from their late twenties to 40 y.o. what they want in a man/relationship and they didn't hold back a thing!!

Soooo...what do women want?

I think this is a question that most, if not all, straight men would like answered. Women are often labeled as emotional, complex, and complicated creatures...and on many levels we are. Men often claim to be "simple" and "easy to please" and maybe in some ways they are but I think men will find that no, women don't want "everything", and yeah, actually we do know what we want.

I hope you're taking notes, guys. ;-)


Women want honesty.
This a trait that every single woman listed. Most of them said this is THE most or second most important thing they need from a man. You would think that this would be a given in any relationship, but sadly it is not. I think I speak for every woman who has been lied to or cheated on when I say: once you damage trust, she will NEVER look at you the same. DO NOT LIE. It's not worth it.
Side note: This does not apply to all situations. For example, if your girlfriend/wife gains 10 pounds, saying, "Wowww, you got fat!" is NOT acceptable. There's a difference between being honest and being rude or mean.

Women want respect.
Yep. Just like men. Let me tell you what disrespect looks like, for those of you who may be unsure:
1. Putting your hands on us
2. Cursing at us
3. Insulting us/name calling (especially in front of others)
4. Cheating
5. Lying
6. Telling us what we can or can't do like we are your daughters

Furthermore, there is nothing worse than feeling disrespected, calling your man on it and having him diminish it by calling you "sensitive" or emotional". What if the women did that to you, men?

R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Women want communication/openness.
Talented, beautiful, educated...we may be all of these things and more, but mind readers we are not. If something is bothering you, SAY IT! "Every time there is something wrong, we don't want to drag it out of them," Ty said. Poor communication RUINS relationships. When women are continuously shut out and pushed away, we begin to feel resentful and withdrawn. Okay, yes, you may be a "manly man" and we know that a lot of you were not raised to express your feelings, but check that caveman pride at the door and TALK to us. Almost every woman said this, guys.

Women want to feel appreciated.
"We don't mind stroking our man's ego, but sometimes we want ours stroked," Lolyta shared. And don't forget about the little things...we should not have to drop hints about how nice it was that our girlfriend or our coworker received flowers or a card from her man. Cards are $0.50 each at the Dollar Tree. Not one with the words? Writing a simple, "I love you" or "You da bomb, boo" will suffice.

I was in a long term relationship with an extremely critical person. Every time I did something for him, he always, always, always made a "suggestion" about what I could do better the next time. I honestly don't love cooking. I barely do it for myself but I will for someone who appreciates it and knows how to say "Thank you." This man made comments like, "Why did you put so much barbecue sauce on the chicken?" or "Why did you make the pancakes so small?" Petty stuff. And when I blew up, he just did...not...get...it. Eventually I didn't want to do ANYTHING anymore.

What if we said things like, "My ex had the tightest abs and he never climaxed in only 4 minutes when we made love. Would you like his number so you can get some tips?" Y'all would be HEATED.

I'm just sayin...

Women want to feel understood.
Try to put yourself in a woman's shoes. We are wives and mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and co-workers. Most of us work JUST LIKE YOU and some of us have VERY stressful careers. It's not all about you, all of the time. "We need for our men to appreciate all we do," Lolyta said. No, your woman does not want you to go hungry or wear dirty clothes or feel neglected but try to understand that on some days, Chinese will be on the dinner menu and there is a reason why she hasn't done the laundry yet. Although she may want to be domestic, "there is so much more to her than that." (Well said, Ty!) When you understand these things about your woman, you will pitch in to do what needs to be done in your household and not define roles as "only men" or "only women," Kezia said.
We also need men to understand that yes, we can be EMOTIONAL. Sometimes we are running only on emotions, but for real, men, don't you already know that? Accept it. Don't try to change us or make us think and feel the way you do because we probably won't a lot of the time. Ask us about our feelings...ask us about our day and LISTEN when we respond! Try to remember the things we say...pay attention to what we are wearing and compliment us. And oh yeah, PMS is real.

Women want a man who provides/is committed to/leads his family
Take care of your household! Take care of your children! A man should "not be comfortable with letting the woman be the sole provider," Brandi said. Tanika wants a man to have a stable income that will support the family. "My income should be optional," she stated. RaQeeba said she wants to feel secure.

I've known women who have worked TWO jobs while their husbands barely worked one. How any man could do that, I will never understand.

Women want sex.
Are you surprised? Contrary to stereotypes, women want sex just like men do. Yes, we like to get it in too. Umm, but don't get it twisted. A lot of us need to be emotionally stimulated before any type of affection jumps off. Soooo, ignoring our texts and phone calls all day, barely talking when you get home and then trying to cuddle up in bed later on is going to get you the cold shoulder, the grandma drawers and the 'do rag.

Don't believe me? This is real talk from the ladies:

"[I want] constant sex!"

"If I gotta lay beside you for the rest of my life...you'd better be putting it down!"

"[I want a] good and selfless lover."

"I wanted to put sex as #1 [on this list] but didn't want to look like a whore!"

"He has to be able to communicate verbally AND non-verbally!"

Women said these things, homies.

Think about it.


Other things they want:

• a spiritual leader
  
• spontaneity
• family-oriented
• "can cook more than Oodles of Noodles, " Malaika said.
  
• accepts and loves me unconditionally
  
• "bring out the best in me and make me want to be a better woman," SunShine said.
  
• diversity - "Not doing the same thing every Friday for 3 years," said Jai.
• fun
• loyalty
• sense of humor/personality
• ambition
  

A guy friend said to me, "Women and men want the same things, just at a different pace..." His words got me thinking: at the end of the day, women and men DO have differences, but are our desires and needs really that far off? God fashioned Adam in His image but He made Eve from Adam's rib.

I think Brandi said it best when she said, "Love me, care for me, be there for me."

For real though...that's all that women really want.

Speaking for the ladies,
Alonna


Shout out to Ty, SunShine, Kezia, Malaika, RaQeeba, Jai, Lolyta, Ami, Brandi, Angie, Tameka, Kyisha, and Tanika for being so open and real with your answers!! Love you!!