The other day I was thinking about the dating experiences my friends and I have had lately.
Some of them have been lovely.
Some of them have been comical.
Others have been down right ridiculous.
I don't think men realize that they sometimes unintentionally do or say things that push us away.
Soooo, I decided to write this post to help the guys. Even though you don't need my help, right? :-)
These are the things to do if you want to guarantee that the woman you like will NEVER become your boo:
1. Be inconsistent.
No one wants to put himself all the way out there in the beginning. I understand this and if you read my last post, "The Walls" you know that I certainly don't recommend it. BUT let me tell you how this works: when you TELL a woman that you like her and want to be with her, she will begin to develop certain expectations of you even if you have yet to make the relationship "official". She will expect to talk to you and see you consistently. She will expect you to make good on your word. Why? Because you are supposed to be building a relationship. The way you act before you are her man, often gives her a good idea of how you will act once you become her man.
You will experience friction or resistance from her when you:
a.) say you're going to call but don't
b.) take hours to return her texts
c.) make plans and then break them
d.) act like you're really, really into her one day, then treat her like a friend or like she doesn't exist the next
e.) any or all of the above
Make up your mind.
If you have a lot going on and don't have the time to devote to the process, then you need to communicate that. Give her the OPTION to decide if she wants to ride out the inconsistency or if she wants to cut her losses and move on. Don't try to hold a woman in place until YOU get it together simply because you are afraid she will get away. That is selfish and greedy. On the other hand, if you have realized that you aren't that into her, just TELL her. Nobody benefits when you hide the fact that you've changed your mind. The bottom line is this: don't do things to draw a woman to you and then leave her hanging.
Now...if what you're doing is your attempt to appear as though you don't care, when in reality you do, it isn't working. In fact, it is making her look at other options.
2. Go too far with the innuendo.
One of my favorite things about dating someone new is the anticipation of all the "firsts" - first date, first touch, first kiss, first...well, you know the rest. It is fun to get those butterflies in your stomach from all of the unknowns that come with a new romantic interest. BUT, pay attention to HER signals and don't move too quickly.
Know your audience. The good time girl may be down for whatever, but if the woman you like is interested in a relationship, she may want to get to know you better BEFORE hearing about all of your little fantasies and desires. A statement from her such as, "I'm going to bed," should not warrant an, "I wish I were there to put you to sleep, baby."
Yuck.
Furthermore, if those are the only kinds of things you have to say to her, she will quickly infer that perhaps you are only interested in sex OR you have no conversation skills whatsoever. Do not speak that way to a woman you've only known for one week. It may piss her off. And turn her off. Permanently.
3. Talk about other women
Some of you, in an effort to prove how desirable you are (I suppose), feel the need to talk about other women to the woman you want to date!
Who does this?!
Do not tell potential boo that there's a woman at work who goes out of her way to walk past your office 10 times a day. It's also unnecessary to reveal that this same woman keeps asking you to lunch. You are hoping that it will make Ms. Potential realize that she should quit dragging her feet and get with you, the hot commodity, but...umm..it will not.
Now, if potential boo actually likes you, it may ruffle her feathers a little and you might get a reaction BUT your plan could also backfire if she thinks that you are keeping your options open. Comments about your co-worker may motivate her to call that cute guy she met last week. She wasn't going to give him the time of day BUT now she's wondering if you're getting frisky in the copy room when you're supposed to be selling life insurance policies.
And well...if she's not feeling you that much anyway, your comments will most likely make her say, "Why don't you take your co-worker up on the lunch offer and I'll see you when I see you?"
Now you're looking silly.
4. Stalk her.
We want you to be honest, we want you to be interested, we want you to be consistent, but we don't want to feel like you're attached to our hip.
The beginning can be a tricky time for two people. You don't want to come off as too hot or too cold. When in doubt, linger somewhere around the middle. If a woman tells you that she will call you back, let her call you back. A few "I"m thinking about you" texts during the day will make her smile, but don't send her 20 in one hour, each one growing more panicked by the minute because she isn't responding. And if a woman tells you that she wants to see you soon, don't just show up at her house or her job in an effort to "surprise" her.
Actions such as these are creepy and may even be illegal in some states. Lol.
5. Be shady.
Okay, so until an official decision is made about a relationship, the only thing two people really owe each other is honesty. BE HONEST. If you are seeing other women, don't hide it. I'm not saying that you should advertise or even volunteer the information BUT if she asks, "Are you dating other women?" JUST SAY YES. Don't try to smooth talk around the question or massage the answer so it sounds less harsh. If you don't have the time to devote to her (see #1) she probably suspects this already, so you may as well admit it. And cut it out with the, "Oh, you're so great and I've never met anyone like you; I hope we can be together..." when you know that you have a date in 10 minutes with someone else. It's extra and very unnecessary. Besides, it will be all bad if you say those kinds of things and then she runs into you and your other boo at T.G.I.Friday.
Soooo, in summary: Don't play games. Don't say dumb stuff. Don't lie. Don't act crazy.
Hope this helps to alleviate some of your drama, fellas. :-)
Alonna
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
The Walls
My friend is in a new relationship and is really happy.
But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:
"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."
Like I said, I can relate.
Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.
I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.
Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.
Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.
I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.
I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.
Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.
We were giving too much too fast.
No walls, just wisdom,
Alonna
xoxo
But the other night she expressed something in an email that I definitely could relate to:
"He's doing far more than what he's supposed to...I just don't want to be disappointed so I'm not getting my hopes up. That's so sad. No one is exempt from potentially turning into an ass. LOL."
Like I said, I can relate.
Lately I've been told that I have "walls" up.
I wasn't really offended on the occasions when this statement was made, though. I don't see the walls, but if they are there, I suppose it is that way for a reason right now and I'm okay with that.
Walls make a room. Without them, our homes would just be a bunch of ugly studs. They also offer privacy. You're probably grateful for them when you have to use the bathroom or get naked somewhere...right? Homes that are built near highways are often surrounded by walls to block out traffic noise. Back in the day, walls protected cities from being easily attacked. People were safe behind them. Soooo...yeah...walls are pretty helpful.
Growing up, my parents never talked to me about relationships. My dad moved out when I was 14 and wasn't there to school me on men. I'm not knocking him, but he just isn't that heavy conversation type. My mother, as loving and nurturing as she is, never seemed comfortable approaching the topic. I guess she was so afraid that the mention of men or sex would make me wanna do it, so she steered clear. For these reasons, I didn't really know what to expect from guys. I was playing it all by ear -winging it, talking to my friends, learning from our mistakes and getting my feelings hurt in the process.
I didn't really know what standards to set and I didn't know what was unacceptable. I was very naive and I learned the hard way through trial and error.
I've always been one who loves hard. It is in my nature...sometimes I wish it wasn't. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and trusted everyone until given a reason not to. Fundamentally, I'm still that way but I've learned that you can't give good love to just any ol' body.
Throughout college and all of my 20s, I came across some real characters - athletes, musicians, businessmen, lots of money, some money, no money...you name it, I dated him. I started to learn "the game" and I really didn't like it. I saw how certain men could love a woman like she was the only one on Earth, then move on like it was nothing. I had my heart broken. I saw my friends' hearts broken. Yes, it was a part of love and life, but I realized that some of the pain we were experiencing was preventable.
We were giving too much too fast.
Last year, I went through a very painful break up. I chose to love the wrong person and he hurt me deeply. And even after it was over, I became caught up in a very long, drawn out game of "off and on" with him that went on for months before I finally snapped out of it and walked away for good. After all was said and done, I beat myself up HARD about holding onto an unhealthy relationship for so long. I had been so cautious, so hesitant in the beginning, but he convinced me to let my guard down and when I finally did, I let it allllll the way down. Unfortunately, it was a mistake and in spite of the fact that he'd done some terrible things, I blamed myself because let's face it...I chose the guy.
Once I started feeling better (and I feel GREAT by the way), I promised myself that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER (did I mention EVER?) allow someone to hurt me like that again. And I guess that's when those so-called "walls" went up.
These days I have taken caution to the next level.
My tolerance for dumb stuff is at an all time low.
Things that I used to let slide, quickly become deal breakers now. Excessive compliments, lines and "canned game" don't give me butterflies, they make my blood boil. I don't mind flirting and/or casual dating but keep it light and be real about it if that's all you want to do. Don't say you're soooo serious, then try to engage me in a bunch of sexual innuendo and buffoonery when you've only known me for a few weeks. Now you're in your feelings because I'm brushing you off and don't feel like dealing with you? Please. If a man claims he is legit but isn't interested in getting to know me outside of his bedroom, then he has to go. Looks, education, money...none of that matters at all. I recently told someone, "Be real with me while we're getting to know each other. If I decide to become your woman, then you can mack me all day long."
That's the bottom line for me.
I guess this is what some people would call a wall. To me, it's just being more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. My relationship with God is stronger and I feel that I am better able to discern what's genuine and what's a facade. Bells go off quickly when my spirit hears or sees something crazy. Believe me, I want to find the right guy. I don't shut men down as soon as they approach me but I don't entertain foolishness for even one second anymore. When a man is interested, I graciously allow him to have the floor...he can be himself, he can say and do whatever he'd like but the minute I feel he is being shady or spewing his version of game, I bounce.
I have learned that true love takes time to develop. It is not something that springs up over an expensive dinner or during an amazing orgasm. Two people must cultivate a friendship, a mutual respect and an understanding that transcends the superficial. A person can talk until he is blue in the face but unless there are actions backing it up, he will not get to know me past the surface level. I will be cautious because it is the only way that I can determine how serious a man is. I will never place unnecessary obstacles in a man's path just because I can, but he WILL encounter some distance and resistance from me until he has demonstrated that he wants to know more than just what kind of underwear I put on that day.
A man who doesn't want to put in the time to get to know me, who isn't willing to let me get to know him, and who expects everything to come easily in the beginning is not worth my time anyway. I'm sorry, but you just can't expect me to jump all the way out there before I know that my landing will be a safe one.
Proverbs 4:23 says, "Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life." (New Living Translation). How many of us have been absolutely SICK because we prematurely or sometimes knowingly gave our extremely fragile hearts to the wrong person? Giving someone too much before he has proven that he is worthy to even stand in your space, is suicide.
Why do women give up their keys, their bodies, and their hearts to someone before he has put in work showing that he deserves any of that? Then we are hurt and confused when brotherman rolls out, leaving us to pick up the pieces. I once heard a sermon where the preacher stated, "In order to receive benefits on a job, you have to DO the job first. Aint nobody giving you benefits and you don't even work there!" Think about it. Most employee benefits don't kick in right away. You have to work anywhere between 30-90 days before those perks begin. Yet we give our all to men we've only known for 7 days? 14 days? 21 days? Even 30-60 days? What has he shown other than he was good enough to get hired?
Plenty of people LIE on their resumes.
His good looks, his wit and his charm got him in the door, but can he DO the job? And can he do it WELL? And LONG TERM?
I have been told that the way I come off in the beginning is nothing like the way I am once a friendship or relationship has been formed. "Oh Alonna, I thought you were gonna be like ABC but you were actually like XYZ..."
Good.
When you go into a fine jewelry store, the diamonds are behind glass, protected. They don't want just anyone's grubby or thieving hands touching their fine merchandise...serious inquiries only. Be inviting, be engaging, be you, but don't open that display case before you know what someone is truly about.
Many will stop, linger, gawk and circle around...just because they can, and that's fine. Who wouldn't admire a gorgeous gem when he sees one? But only a few will actually be in the position to make a purchase.
My heart is that diamond, that gem...waiting until a serious buyer comes along.
No walls, just wisdom,
Alonna
xoxo
Saturday, July 24, 2010
"Why Aren't You Married Yet?" (A commentary on asinine questions)
This post is dedicated to all of the people who are single, and/or who don't have children and are tired of people asking "Why?"
It is also dedicated to all of the married people who don't have children yet or who don't want to have children and are also tired of being asked "Why?"
Finally, a special dedication goes out to my friend, Malaika, who inspired me to write this. :-)
Soooo, I was on facebook the other night when I read my friend's status: Dumbest question of all time: "Why aren't you married yet"? If I knew the answer, maybe I wouldn't still be single. People stop asking this question as all you will get in return is a *blank stare*. LOL.
As someone who is 31, single, and child-less I felt the need to "Like" this status and drop a comment immediately.
I could feel her frustration because I have often been asked this question as well. It is usually asked by older people (especially family), married people, or singles who are younger than I.
I always want to reply, "None of your business" (insert an expletive between "your" and "business") but I usually say, "I haven't met the right man yet."
And this is true.
I could have married two or three wrong boyfriends years ago, but by now I may be a member of the ever growing, "I am divorced" or "I hate my spouse" clubs.Not trying to do that.
I could have had some babies, but by now I may be a member of the "My baby daddy never pays his child support or sees his children" club.
Nope, not trying to do that either.
Soooo, here I am single and child-less.
And extremely content, may I add.
My friend Will, who's 31 and single (with 2 children) told me that 30 isn't what it used to be twenty or thirty years ago. "Thirty is really young," he said.
And I agree with him.
I am young. If 30 is the end of the road, my goodness, a lot of us are screwed.
Some of us didn't really start coming into our own until we turned 30 and boy, do we look at life a lot differently than we did five or ten years ago.
Asking someone "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" is like asking a Black person, "Why is your skin dark?" or asking a man, "Why do you have a penis?" The only ways to respond to these questions are with blank stares, as Malaika stated.
These questions are stupid because not all people want to get married or have children. And those that do, aren't going to do it just for the sake of changing their titles to "Mrs." or "Mommy."
Being single is not a bad thing. Nor is not having children. And the fact that one has delayed marriage or parenthood does not mean that something is wrong with that person. I am amazed that being divorced or being a baby mama or daddy is more acceptable than the alternatives. You are a complete and total idiot if you judge someone and believe this. Sorry, but you are.
BY NO MEANS, am I knocking anyone who is married or who has children and although I certainly want these things as well, I am A-OK with living my life as a single woman until I meet my lifelong mate.
I know happily married people. That is wonderful - confetti, balloons, rice, birdseed and all of that to you... hope to be just like ya one day. But I also know frustrated married people who are always fighting or who are on their way to divorce. I know complacent married people who have problems in their marriages but are too tired to fix them. I know mothers who are doing all of the work raising children while the fathers slack off. I know bratty little boys and girls who make my uterus contract every time I'm around them because they are under disciplined and overindulged. I know couples who want everyone to think they are "Mr. and Mrs. Married" but who don't talk to each other civilly or make love once they are behind closed doors.
I will pass...until the time is right, that is.
In the meantime, I am focusing on getting myself together so that I am ready when I meet my future husband. I will focus on making sure that I am coming to the table with more than just good looks or financial security. I want to make sure that I am coming with respect, integrity, strength, honesty, individuality, an ability to communicate effectively and a promise to always pray for and uplift my husband and our children. Being a Godly wife and mother is no easy task and I don't want to half-step it because I rushed into something without thinking.
I am also focusing on doing me. I am enjoying my own company, traveling and partying a bit with my friends. I like not having to cook when I don't want to, I love spending my money any way that I choose, and there is nothing better than being able to roll out and do whatever I want at a moment's notice. I want to get some things out of my system because, let's face it, when the husband and the children arrive, many of those luxuries will be on pause temporarily, if not forever.
I have heard men and women express regret over not waiting to marry or having their children. They wish that they had dated more, traveled more, and experienced more before settling down.
You have to know who are you are before you can give yourself completely to another human being.
You can't expect a husband or a child to complete your life. You will be devastated should any of those relationships change due to death, distance or separation.
As I approached the end of my twenties, I was overwhelmed with dread that I was not a wife or a mother, but I've learned that everything will happen on God's time.
I'm good with that.
So when people ask me, "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Why don't you have children yet?" I don't mind answering, "Because it's not time yet."
And if your response is, "Because I just don't want to," that is freakin' OK as well.
People should really mind their bi'ness.
:-)
Be content with where God has you,
Alonna
Why Rebounds Don't Work
Breakups.
They are a part of life.
They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.
They burn.
They hurt.
They freakin suck.
Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.
Ugh.
When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.
You want to stop crying.
You want to stop thinking about him or her.
You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)
You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."
We all handle break ups differently.
Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.
Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.
And the rest...
Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.
They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.
I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"
We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.
But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.
First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.
Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.
Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.
Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...
After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."
You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.
Soooo what is my advice?
("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)
Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?
If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.
I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.
You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.
My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.
The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.
When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.
Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.
Recover.
Rest.
Rebuild.
Restore.
So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)
Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)
They are a part of life.
They change you - sometimes for the better...sometimes for the worse.
They burn.
They hurt.
They freakin suck.
Your life significantly changes when a relationship ends. You meet someone, fall in love, make plans to spend your days, months, years or even your lives together and just like that: it is over.
Ugh.
When you're experiencing the feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness and anger that a break up causes, it is understandable that you want the pain to end as quickly and as completely as possible.
You want to stop crying.
You want to stop thinking about him or her.
You want to stop listening to the saddest songs ever written for human ears. ("Love is Stronger Than Pride" by Sade always come to my mind...)
You want to stop analyzing every, single, minute detail of what went wrong and how you could have prevented or foreseen"the end."
We all handle break ups differently.
Some of us cry our eyes out and talk about it endlessly to whoever will listen...then, we exhale and we're over it.
Others choose to act like the relationship and the person never even existed. Their trashcans (or fireplaces) are filled with photos, cards, cds, notes, articles of clothing...anything that is a reminder of the ex has to be destroyed or discarded. These people would wipe their minds clean like a hard drive if they could.
And the rest...
Choose to seek comfort in the arms of the nearest person.
They say misery loves company and for some the best way to endure their misery is to find that warm, available company.
I've been through some rough break ups, (I know my friends remember Summer of '09...sheesh!) so I know firsthand that when your heart is wounded, the countdown begins to see "How long will it take for me to stop feeling so horribly?"
We want to get through it. Put it all in the past and MOVE ON.
But jumping into another relationship is not the solution.
First of all, how many break ups are ever cut and dry...BAM! It's over and you never speak again? Many break ups drag on even after the realization has been made that co-existing happily is no longer an option. Love is not a switch that you can flip into the "off" position just because you are no longer together. Many times people still want to get their feelings out. They're still searching for the "Whys" and wondering all of those "What Ifs?" You may still be texting, emailing, talking to or even seeing the other person in an effort to get that elusive thing called closure. It is unfair to bring a new interest on the scene if you are still conversing with your ex about what happened in your relationship. The fact that you are having these conversations proves that you are NOT over him or her and are therefore not ready to be with someone else.
Another reason it is unwise to begin another relationship immediately is that your emotions are still very raw. Most of us are extremely vulnerable after a break up (Yes, men even you!). Sadness and loneliness cloud judgment and the sweet words of someone new taste better than chocolate. But sometimes those words are some sugar, honey, iced tea (did you get that?). The wrong person can easily take advantage of your vulnerability. He or she knows that you're craving affection and attention and may say what you want to hear in order to have his or her way. Once you've really spent time with that person and really gotten to know him you may see that all of those words...were just words. So you have opened yourself up to more disappointment and drama and now, where are you? In the midst of another break up.
Speaking of emotions...you are a big ball of them after a relationship ends. You may be happy one moment and then a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex boo. Before you know it, you're bawling your eyes out. Or you're strolling through the mall and a woman walks by smelling just like ol' girl and your heart aches. You suddenly want to get out of there as quickly as possible, never mind you didn't get what you came for. Now, imagine going through this while in a new relationship. You are probably taking your partner through all of these changes with you. It is unfair to expect him or her to ride this roller coaster of instability as well.
Just look, a simple conversation about where to eat dinner may go like this:
New boo: Let's go to Benihana tonight.
You (remembering how you used to go there all the time with Tasha): Nahhh, I hate that place.
New boo: But I remember you saying you loved it a few weeks ago.
You: What? I never said that.
New boo: Umm, yeah you did. We were driving past one and you said 'I love Benihana.'
You: (screaming like a lunatic) Listen woman! I aint never said that! Now let's choose a new place or we'll be staying in tonight eating cold cut sandwiches!
New boo: (thinking to herself) This bamma is crazy...
You may be laughing but this stuff happens all of the time. New boo thinks you are a mental patient but you know that your reaction was merely caused by a desire to avoid eating in a restaurant that held too many memories of your past. You don't explain your response because you don't want new boo to know that you and Tasha only broke up three weeks ago...
After break ups, people tend to seek out someone who is completely opposite from the ex. Ex boy was a quiet introvert, but new boy may be the charming, life of the party. Ex girl always wanted to eat out and keep up with trends, but new girl is content staying in the house preparing home cooked meals and watching DVDs. "New" is always exciting and intriguing at first. It is intoxicating because the relationship is so "different" that you don't even have time to think about your ex! Wow-wee-wow this is great!! It is so much better, right!? Wrong. This is infatuation. You just met this person a month ago and all you really know about him or her is that he/she is "different."
You think you're in love with Mr. New or Ms. Different. You may even be so rash as to utter those three little words out of your infatuated, lil mouth. *Sigh*. But what happens when "new" and "different" become annoying and incompatible? What happens when you realize that "new" really isn't that fabulous and the same problems you had in the past have crept into the present?EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS GREAT IN THE BEGINNING. Then, real life sets in and guess what? You have to deal with issues just like you did in your past relationship.
Soooo what is my advice?
("Who cares?" the rebounders are saying...)
Take some time to be by yourself. It took awhile (hopefully) to bond yourself emotionally and/or physically to your ex. Therefore, it is going to take some time to "unbond" yourself after the relationship is over. Use this alone time productively. Don't keep beating yourself up about the mistakes you made and don't keep trashing your ex either. Reflect on both the good and the bad. What did you learn about yourself? What can you do in the future to avoid some of the negativity you experienced in the relationship?
If you have a relationship with God, pray. Ask the Lord to reveal things about yourself that may have contributed to the fall of the relationship or that may have contributed to your own pain. Perhaps there were signs in the beginning that you chose to ignore. Perhaps the relationship you are trying to get over was a rebound relationship that backfired. Did you overstay your time in the relationship? Why? Do you need to work on communication? Has honesty not been your strong point? Does your self esteem need a tune-up? Whatever it is, ask God to show you and then work diligently to make those changes. This may take time, but so what? Your emotional stability is at stake.
I'm not saying you should don a burka and shun the opposite sex. You may even go on a few dates here and there. And that's OK. It is nice to be in the company of someone whom you're attracted to and vice versa. Dating can help rebuild confidence that was lost after a break up. But don't start claiming someone as your "girlfriend" or your "boyfriend" a month after ending a long term, significant relationship.
You will argue with me that you are ready and I will argue with you that you are NOT. I believe that if you truly loved someone, it never really "goes away" but we can manage it so that it is no longer at the forefronts of our hearts and minds. We can lock that love away in a tiny compartment of our heart that allows us to love the next person just as genuinely and as completely as we loved an ex. When you jump into a new situation without giving your heart and your mind time to recover, you are preventing yourself from doing any of that. You are also doing a disservice to the new person who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. When you rebound, all you really have to offer are pieces of you and that isn't fair to anyone, including you.
My advice to the "new" boos is this: don't get involved with someone fresh off a break up. That person is NOT ready and you may end up being very hurt in the end. Why? 1) There's a chance he or she may get back together with the ex (remember, they are probably still communicating). 2) There's also a chance that he or she may quickly realize that all of the things that made you so "different"are not qualities that work for the relationship in the long term. I've seen people attach themselves to rebounders who have flat out told them, "I still love my ex." Why would you do that to yourself? You may think you have what it takes to make that person forget all about the past, but really, you do not. Love yourself enough to wait for someone who can commit all of his or her emotions to you in a relationship. Be very wary if the rebounder is popping off with the "I love yous" early on. It is not love. It is infatuation, lust, curiosity, like...but it aint love. Trust and believe.
The Bible tells us that "Love is patient..." (1 Corinthians 13:4). To me, this means that love takes its time. You cannot be in love after one month. You haven't been through enough with a person and you don't know enough about a person, so DON'T SAY IT. Don't even say, "I think I love you." You are setting yourself up for drama in the long run.
When you're used to having a steady person in your life, the temptation is strong to replace that person as quickly as possibly. But at the end of the day, you can't really replace that person. Your relationship was a unique experience that can never be duplicated, no matter how hard you try.
Some people have never been alone. They choose to settle because they are terrified of coming home to an empty house, or sleeping in a half-empty bed. But sometimes those things are necessary in order to build YOU up as an INDIVIDUAL. When you are insecure and broken and needy, you have absolutely nothing to offer another person, no matter how great he or she truly is for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to love or to be loved. But when that love goes away, don't chase empty relationships trying to fill a void.
Recover.
Rest.
Rebuild.
Restore.
So that you're ready when it comes your way again. :-)
Former Rebounder,
Alonna ;-)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
"Done" With Black Men...? NEVER!
Not too long ago, one of my friends declared on his facebook page that he was "done with sistas".
Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.
When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.
I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.
*Sigh.*
Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.
Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.
Others are "done".
Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.
Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.
But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."
LOL.
I'm not addressing any of those things...today.
But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:
I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.
I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.
My father is black.
My stepfather is black.
My stepbrothers are black.
My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.
Guy friends...they're black too.
Obviously, I've had experience with black men.
It hasn't been all pretty.
In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.
Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.
Such is love and life, though.
God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).
I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.
I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)
Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:
My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)
A black man.
My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.
A black man.
Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.
Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.
They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.
They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.
Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.
Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.
Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.
A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.
Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.
A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.
Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.
A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.
A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.
Black men have wined and dined me.
Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)
Black men have prayed with me and for me.
A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.
Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.
They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.
They've shown me how to have fun.
They are not perfect.
They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.
...But doesn't everyone do these things?
They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.
They handle their business and take care of their families.
They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.
They smell so good.
They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.
For me, the good far outweighs the bad.
I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...
I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.
To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?
I love me. :-)
And I love black men.
XOXO,
Alonna
Being a "sista" of course, I took offense to that statement.
When he and I spoke about it, he claimed that he was frustrated about a failed relationship, was not serious and that he could never be done with us. But then he added that he has traveled all around the world and has noticed that black women are definitely "unlike" other women.
I don't think this was meant to be a compliment, though.
*Sigh.*
Most black men have very strong opinions about black women - our so-called attitudes, our independence, our bodies, our choices...everything about us has been discussed, analyzed, dissected and criticized.
Some of them love us and say that they will only marry and make babies with a black woman.
Others are "done".
Many of the ones who say this also have no shame in trashing us, while expressing their negative point of view.
Their reasons often make no sense and quite frankly, piss me off.
But let me calm down...I don't want to be labeled as another "Angry Black Woman."
LOL.
I'm not addressing any of those things...today.
But I have been thinking a lot about these black men who say they are "done" with black women and I have a message for them:
I will NEVER say that I am done with black men.
I've dated my fair share of guys. I've crushed on, casually hung out with and have been romantically involved with men from other races, but all of my significant relationships have been with black men.
My father is black.
My stepfather is black.
My stepbrothers are black.
My uncles, cousins, grandfathers...all black.
Guy friends...they're black too.
Obviously, I've had experience with black men.
It hasn't been all pretty.
In fact, some of it has been downright ugly.
Because I've only loved black men, this means that every tear I've cried and every scar on my fragile, lil' heart has been caused by a black man.
Such is love and life, though.
God never promised us a pain-free existence, just that He'd always be there to help us make it through (Matthew 28:20).
I think that the bad experiences should remind us to hold onto and cherish the good ones.
I'm certainly not going to demean and degrade black men just because some of the ones I've chosen have been *expletives.* (Lol)
Yes, I certainly have been hurt by black men, but I have been LOVED by them as well, so how could I ever say that I'm done with black men when:
My father takes care of my dog whenever I travel. He cooks big meals for me when I spend the night at his house. He changes the oil and fixes the brakes on my car. I can call him crying, at 11 p.m. after seeing a mouse and he will comfort me and tell me to calm down. He has helped me move into every place I've ever lived, lets me have parties at his house and usually caters them. He buys my favorite wine and bubble gum, and promises that when he wins the lottery, my sister and I will be set forever. :-)
A black man.
My stepfather, who has been in my life for almost 10 years, loves my mother the way the Bible tells a husband to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). It is an awesome thing to see. From day one, he accepted my sister and me as his daughters and has never distinguished us from his own children. He is willing to drive almost two hours to my house to show me how to caulk a window or fix a busted headlight on my car. He calls just to check on me and is always there to give financial, spiritual or relationship advice when I need it.
A black man.
Black men have held me all night and kissed me all day.
Black men have told me that they love my full lips and my sometimes out of control, curly hair.
They have told me that I'm beautiful in the morning - stinky breath, eye boogies and all.
They have said that my body is perfect the way that it is and that I don't need to change anything.
Black men have created CDs for me with my favorite music.
Black men have delivered saltines and ginger ale to me when I was sick.
Black men have given me flowers and teddy bears and chocolate candy.
A black man made a "hot water bottle" for me using gallon-sized Ziploc bags when I needed immediate relief from killer cramps.
Black men have listened to me complain about my job, my friends and my family. They have given me advice and have been my strength when I was weak.
A black man thinks about me when he reads articles about wine or fashion and emails them to me.
Black men have made me laugh so hard that my stomach ached.
A black man stayed up with me all night when I had a toothache and couldn't sleep.
A black man used to draw candlelit baths for me so I could relax in peace after a long day.
Black men have wined and dined me.
Black men have offered to beat down other black men who have hurt me. (Ha ha.)
Black men have prayed with me and for me.
A black man was celibate with me for a year because we had plans to marry and wanted our relationship to be pleasing to God.
Black men have taught me about patience, loyalty and acceptance.
They've shown me why I shouldn't take myself so seriously.
They've shown me how to have fun.
They are not perfect.
They don't always know what to do or what to say. They make mistakes and sometimes are too arrogant to apologize.
...But doesn't everyone do these things?
They are intelligent and strong and God-fearing.
They handle their business and take care of their families.
They are dark chocolate, mocha, caramel and vanilla.
They smell so good.
They are lovely and wonderful and delicious.
For me, the good far outweighs the bad.
I do not have a problem with interracial relationships. I am not saying that I could not date, or possibly marry, outside of my race but...
I will NEVER say that I am "done" with black men.
To make a statement such as this would not only be ignorant but would also hurt me and why would I want to do that?
I love me. :-)
And I love black men.
XOXO,
Alonna
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Do People DATE Anymore?
I recently had to have a "Come to Jesus" moment with a guy I'd gone out with a few times.
I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".
Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.
I'm over it.
I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.
Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".
Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.
I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.
When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"
*BLANK STARE*
The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?
Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.
He said he was fine with that...
I don't know what's going to happen there.
Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.
I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."
A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.
Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.
Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...
Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?
I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.
Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.
Do people DATE anymore?
I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.
Is it really worth all of that?
I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.
Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.
Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.
Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.
Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.
But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.
And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.
You sound L-O-C-O.
And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.
Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...
Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!
And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.
If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.
If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.
It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.
Just date.
And date.
And date.
And date...
Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)
Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.
And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...
Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.
All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna
I'm in a place right now where I'm not looking to settle into an official relationship with someone unless I really believe this man could be "the one".
Gone are the days of having boyfriends just "for fun". The recovery time after falling in love and then breaking up does not get any shorter or easier, for that matter, with age.
I'm over it.
I'm perfectly okay with casually dating around until both of us make a decision that we think we could really be together.
Until I meet THAT man, I ain't claiming anyone else as a "boyfriend".
Soooo anyway, the guy I mentioned took me out a few times and it was cool. He's really nice, smart, funny, the conversations were always decent and we have things in common...like I said, it was cool. But I realized almost immediately that for me, the chemistry wasn't there. Perhaps I should've said something but really, how do you say a thing like that: "Oh, by the by, I don't like you in 'that way'. Please pass the salt." Soooo, I didn't say anything; figuring it'd be obvious that romance was not an option for us. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him anymore, I just didn't want to lead him into thinking that we could go beyond the platonic realm.
I was totally okay with him seeing other women if that's what he wanted to do 'cause I was surely going to see other men if the opportunity presented itself.
When he invited me to come to his house, however, I decided that perhaps we DID need to have that uncomfortable conversation. I really, really thought about his offer and made a decision to tell him that while going to bars, restaurants, etc. was cool, I didn't think we were in the "home visit" place. Before I could tell him this though, he texted me saying, "...I think I should finally take the hints at this point. You just wanna be friends, right?"
*BLANK STARE*
The message irritated me for several reasons: 1) It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd extended the invitation, 2) I sensed a 'tude in his tone, 3) I felt pressured to start drawing out a relationship map after only 5 or so CASUAL dates and 4) Can you not send me that in a text, homeboy?
Because I was slightly perturbed, my reply reflected my own lil 'tude. This is when we had to have our C2J moment. We went back and forth for awhile, but the conversation ended with me telling him that yes, all I could offer him was friendship and that I completely understood if he chose not to hang out with me anymore.
He said he was fine with that...
I don't know what's going to happen there.
Later that day, my girlfriend and I had a conversation about dating and we both wondered: Where did it go? At my age, people should understand that making someone your official boo after a few good dates is not wise.
I'm all about having options and I'm quick to tell a brother, "Listen, I don't care if you see other women. Just don't lie to me or act shady or stupid because there's no reason to and I will do the same."
A lot of men don't like to hear that though. It's okay for them to explore but when we do it, it is a blow to their egos.
Some people are PRESSED to be in relationships, no matter what. They'd rather be with anybody instead of chilling by themselves or casually dating until someone compatible and/or decent comes their way.
Maybe I will write about that...hmmm...
Crowning someone your "man" or your "woman" should not be something you do hastily. This person is probably going to interact with your family, your friends, and your children, if you have them...don't you want to know a few things about him or her before you throw open the doors to your life and say, "Here is allllll my business! Come on in!"?
I see people changing their relationship status on facebook all of the time. First, you're single, then it's complicated, then you're single, then you're in a relationship, then you're engaged, then it's complicated, then you're single...are you freakin' kidding me? I wish facebook had two options: "Single" or "Married" and THAT IS IT! I should write them a letter...haha. If you are going through all of that angst, it is obvious that you are unsure about the person you are dealing with. Uncertainty is okay but the best way to handle uncertainty is to continue to get to know a person and to continue dating others until you are sure that you want to settle down into an exclusive situation.
Why, after only three dates, do we have to have a conversation about where "we" are going? I still don't know that much about you! "We" ain't going anywhere except to The Cheesecake Factory, which is where "we" are having dinner tonight. Sheesh.
Do people DATE anymore?
I think people often associate serial dating with promiscuity and that's just not the case. I'm not having SEX with anyone and you shouldn't either...sex will complicate a situation that should've remained casual in the first place. You kinda, maybe, sorta liked him, but now that you've slept with him, you feel like you have to make it work, even though the sight of his number coming across your cell makes you wanna vomit...or, more realistically, change your number.
Is it really worth all of that?
I don't understand WHY people put so many expectations on STRANGERS. That is what someone is until you get to know him/her - a stranger. This person isn't here to complete your life, fulfill your dreams, or erase the bad memories of your ex. In fact, this person could be a psycho or in the less extreme case, simply incompatible with you. Get to KNOW someone before you allow her to see where you live, before you bring her around your co-workers and your family and friends. That way if it doesn't work out, the only person who knew that bamma was YOU and since you didn't sleep with her, you can walk away feeling light, ready to date the next one, without all those extra "strings" you decided to attach.
Dating can be exhausting enough as it is without adding a bunch of needless drama.
Dudes have called me "baby" or "boo" after only 1 or 2 dates...really? You sound so simple and immature. And I can't tell if you're just macking (trying to, anyway) or if you really want to claim this, which does NOT belong to you so early in the game.
Go to dinner, a wine tasting, bowling, the movies, museums, listen to live music, go to a game, play mini golf, have a picnic, go to the beach, work out together...there are tons of ways to SIMPLY DATE people and not all of them cost a grip of money, either. These types of experiences will allow you to TALK and GET TO KNOW SOMEONE, to see a person in different environments, and to observe how he or she interacts with others. Learn how to have fun and just "be", instead of placing a bunch of expectations on people you just met.
Hey, take the pressure off even more and...GASP...go Dutch, if it helps.
But don't ask a woman you've known for only one week what color her bra is.
And don't tell a man, on the first date, that you would love to redecorate his place and start pulling paint swatches out of your purse.
You sound L-O-C-O.
And you may not even get another chance with a person when you come out the gate like that.
Ladies, I know we are all about courting, but courting comes after dating, once the decision has been made that he really wants to pursue you. So, no, he doesn't HAVE to pay. I'm always ready to pull out my debit card because a man doesn't OWE me anything just because he asked me out. Dating can get expensive, even when you're only seeing one person. Now, if he offers to pay, great...that's more money in my shoe budget but if he expected me to pay for myself, I certainly wouldn't write him off as broke, or cheap, or rude...there will be plenty of opportunities for that man to pay in the future, if you decide to keep seeing each other. But that's just me...
Maybe there should be a new first date rule: pay for yourself. That way if I want to order the crab cakes, I can get 'em without worrying he will break into a sweat when he sees that they cost $22, which was his budget for the whole dinner...LOL!!!
And guys...stop chasing TAIL all the time. Choose women based on more than just their bra sizes and backsides. We know that you're visual and physical and that's Kool and the Gang, but seriously, that gets OLD and soon you will be the OLD man at the club, looking like a predator while your boys are at home with their wives, being LOVED. Treat a woman like a lady. Be kind and respectful - open doors, pull out chairs, don't CURSE around a woman you don't even know - UGH. UGH. UGH. That is the WORST...Basically, act like you have some sense. Talk. Ask questions and listen to her replies. Try to remember the things she tells you. That's how you get to know a woman. And at the end of the date, don't expect to touch her tonsils with your tongue just because you think she's fine...if she kisses you, that's great, but if she doesn't, so what? Again, y'all are STRANGERS. Calm down.
If you want to see each other again, hook it up. Don't play games. But don't go on ONE good date and decide that this person is going to be the mother or father of your children. And if you have a bad first date, consider giving the person another chance. Sometimes first dates blow.
If you decide not to see each other again, that's alright too. Who cares if he doesn't want to go on another date?Don't stalk him trying to find out why. And do not take it personally - you don't know her and she doesn't know you.
It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People have a right to see/not see whomever they wish.
Just date.
And date.
And date.
And date...
Until you are REALLY ready call someone your "baby." :-)
Because, for real, sistergirl, your friends are talking about you behind your back...every other week you have a new "man" and at 34 years old, that looks insane.
And dude, at 36 years old, bouncing from "official" chick to "official" chick is just lame. If you are doing this, though, have some dignity. Keep it on the low, man. Stop updating your facebook status every 3 weeks: you were in a relationship with Keisha, then you were in a relationship with Jackie, now you are in a relationship with SuzieQ. Your friends have already started placing their bets...
Do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you...? Haha.
All about the fun...until I meet the one,
Alonna
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Negotiables
I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.
I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."
Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.
No one is perfect.
No relationship is perfect.
If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.
Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.
So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.
First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.
Now, on to the negotiables...
Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...
In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.
It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.
It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.
Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)
It's okay if he's the same height as you.
It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.
It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.
That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.
Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?
Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:
1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.
You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.
People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.
Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.
Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.
Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."
I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?
What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?
What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?
What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?
Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?
I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.
Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?
Nuff said.
Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.
Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.
I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."
Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.
But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.
Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.
Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)
If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.
I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.
Love and Happiness!
Alonna
I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."
Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.
No one is perfect.
No relationship is perfect.
If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.
Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.
So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.
First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.
Now, on to the negotiables...
Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...
In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.
It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.
It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.
Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)
It's okay if he's the same height as you.
It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.
It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.
That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.
Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?
Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:
1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.
You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.
People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.
Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.
Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.
Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."
I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?
What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?
What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?
What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?
Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?
I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.
Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?
Nuff said.
Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.
Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.
I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."
Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.
But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.
Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.
Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)
If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.
I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.
Love and Happiness!
Alonna
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