I was really disturbed when a guy told me that if a woman does not cook for her man, he will cheat on her.
I started thinking, "THIS is why relationships don't last anymore."
Some people have a l-o-n-g list of traits they want in a mate. And the majority of these people believe that their expectations are "basic" yet some of them are extremely detached from reality.
No one is perfect.
No relationship is perfect.
If you are waiting for someone to come to the table with all of the characteristics you have dreamed up in your creative, little, head, you will be waiting for an eternity. You will also be waiting alone because no one will ever be good enough for you.
Soooo, instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect you'd better start looking for Mr. or Ms. Pretty Much Has What I Want. I'm not asking you to settle but I am asking you to look at that list you've made and start crossing off the things that should be negotiable.
So, what do I mean when I say "negotiable"? A negotiable is something that, at the end of the day, does not determine the overall character of a person or is something that possibly could be improved with time and personal growth. When you adjust (notice I am NOT saying lower) your expectations, you will expand the pool of candidates; giving you an even greater chance of finding someone you really care about.
First, I want to explain to you what I think is negotiable. Then, I'm also going to list for you what I think is NON-negotiable. These are my opinions (as is everything else in this blog, by the way), so if you don't agree, cool. I'd love to chat with you about it and hear your p.o.v. on it.
Now, on to the negotiables...
Physical Appearance
Before you start screaming, "Is she crazy?!" Hear me out first. Take a look around. Most people are not 10s, so it perplexes me as to why a bunch of nickels are walking around looking for dimes and quarters. Listen, stop talking about, "He needs to have a six pack" or "She needs to look like Halle Berry." Really dude? Do you think Halle Berry would date you anyway? You look like Roger from What's Happening! I'm just saying...
In my experience, "average" people start to look like 8s, 9s and 10s as they prove they are worthy of your love and your time. That guy who is a 6.5 starts to look like an 8.5 because he makes you laugh, communicates what's on his mind instead of playing games, and gets along with your friends and family. Before you know it, you realize that you love this man, whom you NEVER thought you would've dated.
It's okay if she doesn't have the breasts, stomach and thighs of a Victoria Secret model.
It's okay if she seems to be perpetually losing that "last 10" pounds.
Which would you prefer, the woman with the tiny pooch in her belly who will ride or die with you or the woman with the taut abs who doesn't know how to pronounce filet mignon when you go out to dinner and can't stop flirting with the hot busboy who brought you the bread? (Remember, you DO look like Roger...)
It's okay if he's the same height as you.
It's okay if he's an inch or two shorter than you.
It's okay if, in the past, you've only dated men who were at least 6 inches taller, but this man is only 3 inches taller than you.
That tall man lied and cheated on you, girl.
Which would you prefer: the 6'5" jerk or the 5'7" gentleman who treats you like you have a crown on your head?
Children
As someone without children, this used to be a non-negotiable for me. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized two things:
1) ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A CHILD OR CHILDREN!!!
2) A lot of these single Mamas and Papas are awesome people.
You CANNOT just rule out a person because he/she has a child.
People are single parents for so many reasons these days, but who really cares what the reasons are so long as he or she takes care of the children and there is no drama with the other parent? If you have witnessed dysfunction or you suspect that there is more than a parenting relationship there, I don't recommend pursuing at that time. However, if you've clearly seen that the situation is amicable and only about the children, don't toss someone away just because s/he has children. It is unfair and quite frankly, a little judgmental.
Side Note: The Baby Baby Baby Daddy or The Baby Baby Baby Momma might have some issues. If she has 3+ baby daddies and has never been married, find out what's up with her before investing your time and energy into a relationship.
Fashion
All of my fashionistas are probably sucking their teeth right now, but look...everyone doesn't know how to put an outfit together, and truthfully some people don't really care much. However, if this fashion-challenged person is open to receiving a few style tips, give him/her a chance. If he treats you lovingly and respectfully will you really walk away or start drama because you wouldn't have picked out that shirt with those pants? As long as his clothes aren't dirty and stanking, work with him.
Culinary Skills (FOR THE MEN!)
I'm still looking for the book that states, "Cooking is solely the responsibility of the woman. Only the woman can prepare the meals. If the man even steps into the kitchen, he will become gravely ill, and should therefore be served every day of the relationship."
I don't understand this demand that men have placed on women.
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with a woman cooking, but what if that is just not her talent?
What if the man is actually the better cook? Should she do it anyway, even though he is probably going to be dissatisfied? Sure, she could go to the local community college and take a few classes, and if she wants to do that, props to her, but what if she doesn't?
What if she can cook the basics and doesn't do much more than that?
What if a couple has different work schedules and the woman isn't home to cook dinner every night? What if the husband has to (GASP), cook for himself most of the time?
Like I said at the beginning of this post, a man told me that men will actually cheat on women who don't cook or who don't cook well! What an immature way to behave in an adult relationship. If that woman possesses all of the traits you've been looking for in a mate, are you telling me that you will really leave her or stray because she isn't a good cook?
I believe that people should do what they are good at in a relationship. There is nothing in a woman's DNA that says that we will be a better cook. And because women are different, some women will love to cook, some will do it only when they have to, and some will actually hate it.
Before you rule out a woman because of this trait, look at the big picture. Do you trust her? Is she loyal and faithful? Would she be a good mother to your bighead children? Do you have fun? Good conversation? Physical/sexual chemistry?
Nuff said.
Age
I don't know what it is, but ever since I turned 30+, the youngins have been flocking!! (Call me Drizzy) LOL! But seriously, consider adjusting your age requirements on a case-by-case basis. Usually, I have found that men who are significantly younger (5+years) still have some room to grow in the maturity department, but then again, I've dated men who were 8-11 years older who were totally clueless as well. Consider dating someone who is a little younger than you (women) and who is a little older than you (men). If you have similar goals and interests, age really won't matter.
Financial/Career Status (MOSTLY FOR THE WOMEN!)
Ok, so most of us want a comfortable, stable life where we can afford what we need and have some left over to attain most of our wants. But...everyone is not going to be a professional athlete, rock star or the CEO of a billion dollar corporation.
I know that women, especially, like to feel financially secure in a relationship/marriage. However, if your man works HARD at what he does, does it matter that he is a FedEx guy or a Sanitation Worker and you are a Doctor or Corporate Executive? Everyone doesn't have the same career goals and he may be delighted to work on that big truck all day. So long as he isn't complacent and can still dream for himself and for your family, don't put him down or try to set goals for him. And certainly don't curl your lip up at him after you ask, "So, what do you do?" and he replies, "I'm a mailman." Or "I'm a teacher." Or "I'm a mechanic."
Now...if he is 40 and has been working the fries at McDonald's for 20 years, you may have a problem.
But there are a lot of rich, clean nailed, white collared, funky fresh DOGS who will bring home the bacon but will never be around to eat it with you.
Cut a brother some slack...if he's a man he will take care of business.
Here are the non-negotiables:
1. Spiritual/religious differences
2. Differing points of views on monogamy/fidelity
3. Physical, verbal, and/or emotional abuse
4. Moral differences (i.e. drugs, stealing, etc.)
5. Child-raising differences and/or step-child issues (i.e. person will not accept your child from a previous relationship)
6. Mental health concerns (and the person is not receiving treatment)
If any of these are issues in your current relationship, I think you should exit immediately.
I also believe that these particular requirements should REMAIN on your "list" as you continue courting/dating/searching...no matter how fine or rich a person may be, don't compromise something that will put your body, mind or heart in danger.
Love and Happiness!
Alonna
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Love You Deserve
A few days ago, after two lovely months of peace, love and joy, my ex texted me out of the blue.
Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).
Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.
Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.
Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."
Awwww.
Doesn't that just make your insides warm?
I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.
While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.
These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.
For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.
All the lies.
All the secrets.
All the deception.
All the crap.
In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.
Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.
I deserve more than that.
I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.
People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.
You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."
Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.
But I got bills.
Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.
Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.
All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"
They think they're compromising.
Now, if I chose to hate anyone it would definitely be HIM (notice I used the word "chose" because hate is a choice).
Not only did he play games with my feelings for 7 months after our break up, but he was also sleeping with my co-worker during our entire fictitious reconciliation process...causing stress in both my personal life AND on my job.
Just thinking about him makes me wanna break a few laws.
Anyway, he proceeded to list allll the things he misses about me, asked for my forgiveness for what he did, told me that he is in love with me, that I am the only woman he's ever been "in love" with and asked me to take him back because...wait...wait...wait for it...he has "changed."
Awwww.
Doesn't that just make your insides warm?
I bombed him OUT and told him not to contact me anymore.
While in the midst of his nonsense though, I can't lie...a small part of me contemplated taking that bamma back. I am still going through the very recent disappointment of a break from a potential boyfriend and I have been kinda bummed. When you get lonely you tend to entertain some crazy thoughts...right? Many times, it always SEEMS easier to go back to what you already know than it does to start over.
These thoughts only lasted for about an hour or so, though, because I ended up ringing the bell and getting off the bus headed to CRAZY TOWN, as I came back to reality.
For every pleasant memory and for every charming word he threw my way, I called to mind every, single foul thing he'd done.
All the lies.
All the secrets.
All the deception.
All the crap.
In fact, I reminded HIM of ALL of those things, just to refresh his memory as well.
Needless to say, we will NOT be getting back together.
I deserve more than that.
I'm glad I know this now but it isn't always easy for us to see as clearly when our feelings are involved.
People have argued with me that when it comes to love, emotions and all that chocolaty good stuff HAVE to come into play when making decisions. I kinda disagree. Our emotions are fickle. They often change based on what we're doing, where we are doing it and who we're doing it with. They change when we are in a new place, when the weather is different, when our clothes are new...they change when we have been drinking or smoking or whatever it is that you do.
You can't make decisions based solely on how you "feel."
Most days I don't feel like going to work. I'd rather be lying on the top deck of a yacht, getting a tan while Drake serenades me and a hot, young Brazilian guy brings me strong, fruity drinks.
But I got bills.
Soooo, I go in and do what I gotta do, even when I don't feel like it.
Your feelings will fool you. Your feelings will tell you to stay with the wrong person because being sad and disconnected from him/her seems ways worse than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Your good ol' brain though, is telling you to get away as quickly as possible. My feelings..."love"...caused me to go back to this man twice before we finally broke up, even though I didn't trust him.
All around me people seem to be in the midst of relationship drama. I've listened to stories that have left me standing, mouth open, wondering, "Why in the WORLD are you dealing with some b.s. like that?"
They think they're compromising.
All relationships involve compromise, right?
But compromising and settling are not the same.
In case you're unsure of the difference, let me define both words for you the way that I see them. Compromise occurs when both you and your partner come to a mutual agreement about specific issues so that both of you are satisfied. You may give in for the good of the relationship, but you walk away from the dispute feeling loved and most importantly, feeling like YOU.
Settling, on the other hand, occurs when one or both members of the relationship submit themselves to less than what he or she needs. You aren't being yourself; you're often being someone else just to keep the peace or to make the other person happy. I think people settle for a few reasons:
Fear: "I'm afraid to move on...I've invested so much time...What if it hurts too much or what if I can't find someone else to be with me?"
Apathy: "Oh well, this isn't going to change and it may be all I can get so I'll take it..."
Love - "I love him/her...love is work so I will do what I must to keep the relationship intact."
Over the years I have struggled, going back and forth with exes, only to find that the same problems remained and that at the end of the day, I just couldn't force myself to deal with anything that made me extremely unhappy and/or uneasy.
We are often afraid of experiencing the pain that the end of a relationship undoubtedly brings. After you've bonded yourself emotionally, mentally and physically to someone, it is agonizing to sever that tie and walk away. There's no pill or any drink strong enough to take away the feeling that loss or rejection causes.
But we can't make decisions based on fear, apathy or even love.
God does not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out all fear because fear has to do with punishment..." (1 John 4:18). This verse always makes me think about my love for God, more than it makes me think about my love for a human. Soooo, basically...if I love the Lord, I can't fear what may happen when He allows someone to walk out of my life. I love and trust Him enough to believe that He has something else for me. Therefore, as much as it hurts, I shouldn't hold onto something that is not in His plan just because I am afraid of the pain that will occur when I let go.
God also promises us an abundant life (John 10:10). I love the word "abundant". When I read it, I imagine lush greenery, blue waters and an overflowing of everything that is good. If God wants us to have an abundant life, can we really experience that when we resign ourselves to staying in a relationship that hurts us?
I started to feel that if I remained in situations that didn't work for me, I was saying to God, "I don't trust you to order my steps. I don't trust you to help me guard my heart and only make it available to the right man you've selected for me."
But it took a L-O-N-G time to get to that place.
I've heard people say that everyone has their limits and that not all limits are the same. While this is true, you shouldn't hit your limit after you've allowed someone to drain the essence of you so that you are no good to yourself or to anyone else that may be heading your way. The wrong relationship can destroy us physically, mentally and emotionally. We can contract temporary or permanent diseases or wind up with terrible scars on our hearts that can take so much time to heal.
I loved my ex. After our break up, I often thought about all the things I missed and I was sad that I didn't have those things anymore. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep; I cried enough tears to start an ocean. But eventually I started to GET OVER IT. Eventually, I realized that NO ONE was worth me losing weight and being unproductive at work and being sad all of the daggone time.
Yes, I could certainly reunite with him to alleviate all of this, but what would our relationship be like? I'd be with a man who has already proven that he lacks self control and proper judgment and is weak and untrustworthy. How could we have a healthy relationship? How could I maintain my sanity knowing that, like most relationships, we will be apart a lot of the time due to work and other obligations, and I would have a hard time trusting him?
Soooo...as Jay-Z said, "On to the next one..."
I'm not saying that if there are issues in your relationship you should bounce and never look back. Relationships certainly require effort and work. Putting two totally different people together and expecting them to coexist in perfect harmony is an unrealistic and immature way of thinking. And these days a lot of people walk away too easily, prompting me to ask them how exactly do they define the words "love" and "commitment".
But sometimes it isn't about love or commitment.
Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that if someone cheats on you, yes, maybe that person genuinely made a mistake or maybe that person is just a cheater.
Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that NO, not all men are dogs, pigs, rats or any other animal they have been called and the man who tells you that it is in his "nature" to stray is not being "honest", he is just foul.
Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that a man who doesn't take care of his children/family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8) so why would you give him the time of day?
Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that someone who wants to control, abuse, or manipulate you, does NOT love you AT ALL.
Sometimes it is about accepting the fact that when we allow these things to happen, what we have really done is settle for less than what we deserve because we don't want to let go.
There is nothing worse than looking back on months or years wasted because you tried to make something work with someone whom YOU allowed to overstay his/her "time" in your life. You can make excuses for why you did it but none of that will change what actually happened - you settled.
WAIT for the love you deserve.
xoxo,
Alonna
Monday, June 14, 2010
What Women Want
"What do women want?" Chris Rock asked. "Everything! Women act like life is a big sale: 'I want to get the most s--t before things close down!' "
Chris Rock is a funny dude.
MEN!
Are you ready?
Can you even handle it?
And what will you do with this information once you've been enlightened!?
I asked single, divorced, and happily married women, some with children and some without, from their late twenties to 40 y.o. what they want in a man/relationship and they didn't hold back a thing!!
Soooo...what do women want?
I think this is a question that most, if not all, straight men would like answered. Women are often labeled as emotional, complex, and complicated creatures...and on many levels we are. Men often claim to be "simple" and "easy to please" and maybe in some ways they are but I think men will find that no, women don't want "everything", and yeah, actually we do know what we want.
I hope you're taking notes, guys. ;-)
Women want honesty.
This a trait that every single woman listed. Most of them said this is THE most or second most important thing they need from a man. You would think that this would be a given in any relationship, but sadly it is not. I think I speak for every woman who has been lied to or cheated on when I say: once you damage trust, she will NEVER look at you the same. DO NOT LIE. It's not worth it.
Side note: This does not apply to all situations. For example, if your girlfriend/wife gains 10 pounds, saying, "Wowww, you got fat!" is NOT acceptable. There's a difference between being honest and being rude or mean.
Women want respect.
Yep. Just like men. Let me tell you what disrespect looks like, for those of you who may be unsure:
1. Putting your hands on us
2. Cursing at us
3. Insulting us/name calling (especially in front of others)
4. Cheating
5. Lying
6. Telling us what we can or can't do like we are your daughters
Furthermore, there is nothing worse than feeling disrespected, calling your man on it and having him diminish it by calling you "sensitive" or emotional". What if the women did that to you, men?
R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Women want communication/openness.
Talented, beautiful, educated...we may be all of these things and more, but mind readers we are not. If something is bothering you, SAY IT! "Every time there is something wrong, we don't want to drag it out of them," Ty said. Poor communication RUINS relationships. When women are continuously shut out and pushed away, we begin to feel resentful and withdrawn. Okay, yes, you may be a "manly man" and we know that a lot of you were not raised to express your feelings, but check that caveman pride at the door and TALK to us. Almost every woman said this, guys.
Women want to feel appreciated.
"We don't mind stroking our man's ego, but sometimes we want ours stroked," Lolyta shared. And don't forget about the little things...we should not have to drop hints about how nice it was that our girlfriend or our coworker received flowers or a card from her man. Cards are $0.50 each at the Dollar Tree. Not one with the words? Writing a simple, "I love you" or "You da bomb, boo" will suffice.
I was in a long term relationship with an extremely critical person. Every time I did something for him, he always, always, always made a "suggestion" about what I could do better the next time. I honestly don't love cooking. I barely do it for myself but I will for someone who appreciates it and knows how to say "Thank you." This man made comments like, "Why did you put so much barbecue sauce on the chicken?" or "Why did you make the pancakes so small?" Petty stuff. And when I blew up, he just did...not...get...it. Eventually I didn't want to do ANYTHING anymore.
What if we said things like, "My ex had the tightest abs and he never climaxed in only 4 minutes when we made love. Would you like his number so you can get some tips?" Y'all would be HEATED.
I'm just sayin...
Women want to feel understood.
Try to put yourself in a woman's shoes. We are wives and mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and co-workers. Most of us work JUST LIKE YOU and some of us have VERY stressful careers. It's not all about you, all of the time. "We need for our men to appreciate all we do," Lolyta said. No, your woman does not want you to go hungry or wear dirty clothes or feel neglected but try to understand that on some days, Chinese will be on the dinner menu and there is a reason why she hasn't done the laundry yet. Although she may want to be domestic, "there is so much more to her than that." (Well said, Ty!) When you understand these things about your woman, you will pitch in to do what needs to be done in your household and not define roles as "only men" or "only women," Kezia said.
We also need men to understand that yes, we can be EMOTIONAL. Sometimes we are running only on emotions, but for real, men, don't you already know that? Accept it. Don't try to change us or make us think and feel the way you do because we probably won't a lot of the time. Ask us about our feelings...ask us about our day and LISTEN when we respond! Try to remember the things we say...pay attention to what we are wearing and compliment us. And oh yeah, PMS is real.
Women want a man who provides/is committed to/leads his family
Take care of your household! Take care of your children! A man should "not be comfortable with letting the woman be the sole provider," Brandi said. Tanika wants a man to have a stable income that will support the family. "My income should be optional," she stated. RaQeeba said she wants to feel secure.
I've known women who have worked TWO jobs while their husbands barely worked one. How any man could do that, I will never understand.
Women want sex.
Are you surprised? Contrary to stereotypes, women want sex just like men do. Yes, we like to get it in too. Umm, but don't get it twisted. A lot of us need to be emotionally stimulated before any type of affection jumps off. Soooo, ignoring our texts and phone calls all day, barely talking when you get home and then trying to cuddle up in bed later on is going to get you the cold shoulder, the grandma drawers and the 'do rag.
Don't believe me? This is real talk from the ladies:
"[I want] constant sex!"
"If I gotta lay beside you for the rest of my life...you'd better be putting it down!"
"[I want a] good and selfless lover."
"I wanted to put sex as #1 [on this list] but didn't want to look like a whore!"
"He has to be able to communicate verbally AND non-verbally!"
Women said these things, homies.
Think about it.
Other things they want:
A guy friend said to me, "Women and men want the same things, just at a different pace..." His words got me thinking: at the end of the day, women and men DO have differences, but are our desires and needs really that far off? God fashioned Adam in His image but He made Eve from Adam's rib.
I think Brandi said it best when she said, "Love me, care for me, be there for me."
For real though...that's all that women really want.
Speaking for the ladies,
Alonna
Shout out to Ty, SunShine, Kezia, Malaika, RaQeeba, Jai, Lolyta, Ami, Brandi, Angie, Tameka, Kyisha, and Tanika for being so open and real with your answers!! Love you!!
Chris Rock is a funny dude.
MEN!
Are you ready?
Can you even handle it?
And what will you do with this information once you've been enlightened!?
I asked single, divorced, and happily married women, some with children and some without, from their late twenties to 40 y.o. what they want in a man/relationship and they didn't hold back a thing!!
Soooo...what do women want?
I think this is a question that most, if not all, straight men would like answered. Women are often labeled as emotional, complex, and complicated creatures...and on many levels we are. Men often claim to be "simple" and "easy to please" and maybe in some ways they are but I think men will find that no, women don't want "everything", and yeah, actually we do know what we want.
I hope you're taking notes, guys. ;-)
Women want honesty.
This a trait that every single woman listed. Most of them said this is THE most or second most important thing they need from a man. You would think that this would be a given in any relationship, but sadly it is not. I think I speak for every woman who has been lied to or cheated on when I say: once you damage trust, she will NEVER look at you the same. DO NOT LIE. It's not worth it.
Side note: This does not apply to all situations. For example, if your girlfriend/wife gains 10 pounds, saying, "Wowww, you got fat!" is NOT acceptable. There's a difference between being honest and being rude or mean.
Women want respect.
Yep. Just like men. Let me tell you what disrespect looks like, for those of you who may be unsure:
1. Putting your hands on us
2. Cursing at us
3. Insulting us/name calling (especially in front of others)
4. Cheating
5. Lying
6. Telling us what we can or can't do like we are your daughters
Furthermore, there is nothing worse than feeling disrespected, calling your man on it and having him diminish it by calling you "sensitive" or emotional". What if the women did that to you, men?
R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Women want communication/openness.
Talented, beautiful, educated...we may be all of these things and more, but mind readers we are not. If something is bothering you, SAY IT! "Every time there is something wrong, we don't want to drag it out of them," Ty said. Poor communication RUINS relationships. When women are continuously shut out and pushed away, we begin to feel resentful and withdrawn. Okay, yes, you may be a "manly man" and we know that a lot of you were not raised to express your feelings, but check that caveman pride at the door and TALK to us. Almost every woman said this, guys.
Women want to feel appreciated.
"We don't mind stroking our man's ego, but sometimes we want ours stroked," Lolyta shared. And don't forget about the little things...we should not have to drop hints about how nice it was that our girlfriend or our coworker received flowers or a card from her man. Cards are $0.50 each at the Dollar Tree. Not one with the words? Writing a simple, "I love you" or "You da bomb, boo" will suffice.
I was in a long term relationship with an extremely critical person. Every time I did something for him, he always, always, always made a "suggestion" about what I could do better the next time. I honestly don't love cooking. I barely do it for myself but I will for someone who appreciates it and knows how to say "Thank you." This man made comments like, "Why did you put so much barbecue sauce on the chicken?" or "Why did you make the pancakes so small?" Petty stuff. And when I blew up, he just did...not...get...it. Eventually I didn't want to do ANYTHING anymore.
What if we said things like, "My ex had the tightest abs and he never climaxed in only 4 minutes when we made love. Would you like his number so you can get some tips?" Y'all would be HEATED.
I'm just sayin...
Women want to feel understood.
Try to put yourself in a woman's shoes. We are wives and mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and co-workers. Most of us work JUST LIKE YOU and some of us have VERY stressful careers. It's not all about you, all of the time. "We need for our men to appreciate all we do," Lolyta said. No, your woman does not want you to go hungry or wear dirty clothes or feel neglected but try to understand that on some days, Chinese will be on the dinner menu and there is a reason why she hasn't done the laundry yet. Although she may want to be domestic, "there is so much more to her than that." (Well said, Ty!) When you understand these things about your woman, you will pitch in to do what needs to be done in your household and not define roles as "only men" or "only women," Kezia said.
We also need men to understand that yes, we can be EMOTIONAL. Sometimes we are running only on emotions, but for real, men, don't you already know that? Accept it. Don't try to change us or make us think and feel the way you do because we probably won't a lot of the time. Ask us about our feelings...ask us about our day and LISTEN when we respond! Try to remember the things we say...pay attention to what we are wearing and compliment us. And oh yeah, PMS is real.
Women want a man who provides/is committed to/leads his family
Take care of your household! Take care of your children! A man should "not be comfortable with letting the woman be the sole provider," Brandi said. Tanika wants a man to have a stable income that will support the family. "My income should be optional," she stated. RaQeeba said she wants to feel secure.
I've known women who have worked TWO jobs while their husbands barely worked one. How any man could do that, I will never understand.
Women want sex.
Are you surprised? Contrary to stereotypes, women want sex just like men do. Yes, we like to get it in too. Umm, but don't get it twisted. A lot of us need to be emotionally stimulated before any type of affection jumps off. Soooo, ignoring our texts and phone calls all day, barely talking when you get home and then trying to cuddle up in bed later on is going to get you the cold shoulder, the grandma drawers and the 'do rag.
Don't believe me? This is real talk from the ladies:
"[I want] constant sex!"
"If I gotta lay beside you for the rest of my life...you'd better be putting it down!"
"[I want a] good and selfless lover."
"I wanted to put sex as #1 [on this list] but didn't want to look like a whore!"
"He has to be able to communicate verbally AND non-verbally!"
Women said these things, homies.
Think about it.
Other things they want:
- a spiritual leader
- spontaneity
- family-oriented
- "can cook more than Oodles of Noodles, " Malaika said.
- accepts and loves me unconditionally
- "bring out the best in me and make me want to be a better woman," SunShine said.
- diversity - "Not doing the same thing every Friday for 3 years," said Jai.
- fun
- loyalty
- sense of humor/personality
- ambition
A guy friend said to me, "Women and men want the same things, just at a different pace..." His words got me thinking: at the end of the day, women and men DO have differences, but are our desires and needs really that far off? God fashioned Adam in His image but He made Eve from Adam's rib.
I think Brandi said it best when she said, "Love me, care for me, be there for me."
For real though...that's all that women really want.
Speaking for the ladies,
Alonna
Shout out to Ty, SunShine, Kezia, Malaika, RaQeeba, Jai, Lolyta, Ami, Brandi, Angie, Tameka, Kyisha, and Tanika for being so open and real with your answers!! Love you!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
What Men Want
This post makes me :-).
I asked a group of men, ages 26-40, of various races, backgrounds and experiences to describe the top 5 things they want in a woman.
A few of them answered straight to the point: I want this, this, this, that and that. Others actually went into detail and explained why those things are important to them.
Some responses were funny. Others were surprising and thought-provoking.
By the time I finished reading and thinking about what they'd all said, I realized something: men want a lot more than us women give them credit for.
This "privileged" information is a summary of their responses and is being presented in no particular order! ;-)
Men want respect.
Almost all of them mentioned this one. A woman should respect a man, his family, his wants and needs and his position as "the man". Men want to know that they aren't going to be second guessed about everything. A woman should try to have faith in her man, even if he's "blown it." This means that if he loses the keys to the car, buys the wrong fabric softener or gets lost on the way to the family reunion, she won't scream on him and make him feel like he's 7 years old or worse, a moron. If a woman refrains from these behaviors, the next time he will "be even more likely to try to impress you," Mike said.
Men want to have fun.
"A sense of humor"
"An ability to laugh"
"Be carefree"
"Have fun"
"Be unpredictable"
This was something that a lot of them said!!
Men want companionship and support.
"I want my lady to be my friend," Jason said.
A man wants someone he can talk to and who won't judge him. She should be someone he can confide in. As a companion, a woman will also support him and his dreams, even if they are "unreachable." She should give, "basic, consistent support," Nate said.
Men want sex.
I found it interesting that not all of them stated this, but MOST of them did - HAHA- no surprise there! Some of them even said "incredible" or "great" sex. There were even a few expletives that I won't repeat. Lol. It is a BIIIIIG deal.
Men want a woman who is "domestic."
Cooking and cleaning...taking care of home...One went so far as to say that if a woman does neither well, the man will cheat...let's hope that ISN'T true!!!! :-(
Men want a woman who is independent.
A man doesn't want a woman who depends on him to do everything. She should also have her own identity outside of the relationship and understand that he sometimes needs space to do the things he likes to do that might not include her. Duane even commented that during the playoffs, "We love to look at you, but would rather not talk to you during that time." LOL! Allen said that a woman should "know how to take care of herself..."
Men want honesty, fidelity and loyalty.
"Even when the truth hurts..." Jason said. (Hmm, I wonder if all men can handle that...)
I'm assuming the rest means: don't cheat and have their backs when necessary.
Men want to be "a man."
Wayne says that the problem with men and women is that there is an arm wrestling version of "who wears the pants." Teddy says that he wants a woman who knows what it means to be submissive. Ramoan said he wants "to feel like the man (needed)." Allen talked about letting him be "the man".
Ok, we get it...they all want to be "da man"...I agree though. Read my post, "Why I will never propose to a man"!!! :-)
Other things they said:
My only question is: when a woman has these things...why do men leave/cheat/still keep their options open??
I hope some of you can explain that to us!
We want to understand you! Believe me!
Stay tuned for "What Women Want..." ;-)
**Much love to Blanchard, Jason, Wayne, Ramoan, Teddy, Mike S., Duane, Anthony, Allen, Nate, Greg, and Gene for your openness and honesty!!
Still trying to figure y'all bammas out,
Alonna
I asked a group of men, ages 26-40, of various races, backgrounds and experiences to describe the top 5 things they want in a woman.
A few of them answered straight to the point: I want this, this, this, that and that. Others actually went into detail and explained why those things are important to them.
Some responses were funny. Others were surprising and thought-provoking.
By the time I finished reading and thinking about what they'd all said, I realized something: men want a lot more than us women give them credit for.
This "privileged" information is a summary of their responses and is being presented in no particular order! ;-)
Men want respect.
Almost all of them mentioned this one. A woman should respect a man, his family, his wants and needs and his position as "the man". Men want to know that they aren't going to be second guessed about everything. A woman should try to have faith in her man, even if he's "blown it." This means that if he loses the keys to the car, buys the wrong fabric softener or gets lost on the way to the family reunion, she won't scream on him and make him feel like he's 7 years old or worse, a moron. If a woman refrains from these behaviors, the next time he will "be even more likely to try to impress you," Mike said.
Men want to have fun.
"A sense of humor"
"An ability to laugh"
"Be carefree"
"Have fun"
"Be unpredictable"
This was something that a lot of them said!!
Men want companionship and support.
"I want my lady to be my friend," Jason said.
A man wants someone he can talk to and who won't judge him. She should be someone he can confide in. As a companion, a woman will also support him and his dreams, even if they are "unreachable." She should give, "basic, consistent support," Nate said.
Men want sex.
I found it interesting that not all of them stated this, but MOST of them did - HAHA- no surprise there! Some of them even said "incredible" or "great" sex. There were even a few expletives that I won't repeat. Lol. It is a BIIIIIG deal.
Men want a woman who is "domestic."
Cooking and cleaning...taking care of home...One went so far as to say that if a woman does neither well, the man will cheat...let's hope that ISN'T true!!!! :-(
Men want a woman who is independent.
A man doesn't want a woman who depends on him to do everything. She should also have her own identity outside of the relationship and understand that he sometimes needs space to do the things he likes to do that might not include her. Duane even commented that during the playoffs, "We love to look at you, but would rather not talk to you during that time." LOL! Allen said that a woman should "know how to take care of herself..."
Men want honesty, fidelity and loyalty.
"Even when the truth hurts..." Jason said. (Hmm, I wonder if all men can handle that...)
I'm assuming the rest means: don't cheat and have their backs when necessary.
Men want to be "a man."
Wayne says that the problem with men and women is that there is an arm wrestling version of "who wears the pants." Teddy says that he wants a woman who knows what it means to be submissive. Ramoan said he wants "to feel like the man (needed)." Allen talked about letting him be "the man".
Ok, we get it...they all want to be "da man"...I agree though. Read my post, "Why I will never propose to a man"!!! :-)
Other things they said:
- understanding
- personality
- heart
- spirituality
- "be with me for the right reasons"
- communication
- intellectual stimulation
- compliments
- common sense
My only question is: when a woman has these things...why do men leave/cheat/still keep their options open??
I hope some of you can explain that to us!
We want to understand you! Believe me!
Stay tuned for "What Women Want..." ;-)
**Much love to Blanchard, Jason, Wayne, Ramoan, Teddy, Mike S., Duane, Anthony, Allen, Nate, Greg, and Gene for your openness and honesty!!
Still trying to figure y'all bammas out,
Alonna
Monday, June 7, 2010
Why Bitterness is NOT an Option
Last week I was mad.
No, scratch that.
Last week I was PISSED off.
After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.
I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."
It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.
After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.
I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.
I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.
I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.
I've caught all of them in lies.
I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.
I am not perfect.
I have made a TON of mistakes.
I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.
You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."
I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.
I know how to apologize.
I am learning how to choose my battles.
I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.
My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.
I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).
...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.
I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.
I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...
I have seen horrible women marry great men.
I have seen horrible men marry great women.
I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.
I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.
And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.
No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.
But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.
Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.
But don't get me wrong...
I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.
And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.
But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!
I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!
Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.
It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.
I know I am.
But bitterness is not an option for me.
Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.
With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.
It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).
And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).
We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).
Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.
Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.
Keep the faith,
Alonna
No, scratch that.
Last week I was PISSED off.
After months of really, really, really liking a guy, we parted ways - and not so nicely, I must add. I was confused, disappointed, sad, blown, salty...whatever you wanna call it, I was all of the above.
I sent a text to one of my closest friends that said, "I see how people can become bitter."
It's been ten years since I graduated from college. In that time span, I've loved 3 men, was preparing myself to love 1 and in between them all, have dealt with a bunch of miscellaneous Joes, most of whom I don't even care to remember.
After a few heartbreaks and many, many, many let downs, I sometimes feel as though I'm becoming less optimistic about finding the right guy.
I've come close to getting married, but walked away because as much as we loved each other, at the end of the day, we were not compatible.
I have chosen some really, really, really, really, really wrong guys.
I've suspected a few of cheating but wasn't able to prove it.
I've caught all of them in lies.
I've dealt with ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and baby mama drama as well as a myriad of other issues that would make for really good TV.
I am not perfect.
I have made a TON of mistakes.
I take full responsibility for some of the hurt I have experienced but I have learned/am still learning.
You will never hear me say, "That's just who I am. Deal with it."
I am constantly evolving and I am always in pursuit of a better me.
I know how to apologize.
I am learning how to choose my battles.
I'm okay with being 31 and single. Wow. I actually meant that when I typed it. What I'm not okay with is constantly going through the cycle of "Meet a guy, like a guy, love a guy, break up with a guy." It is exhausting.
My list of expectations is not absurd. Unlike some women, I don't have height requirements, body requirements, car requirements, don't really have bank account or job requirements (I just want him to have goals and aspirations), I will even date a man with a kid or two, provided the situation is copacetic.
I am a woman of faith so I believe Paul when he wrote, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).
...But at some point, a girl starts to get a little antsy, or like I said at the beginning of this post: a girl starts to get a little pissed off.
I have had some very detailed conversations with God and I believe He has answered me back. He has shown me my mistakes in those moments when all I have are my tears, my Bible, and a quiet house. I am learning to trust Him and to wait on Him; to look for early signs and to keep my heart guarded so not just any ol' body can have access to it and break it all up again. God has worked hard with me to put it back together and He does not want to see our hard work go to waste.
I trust God. Most of the time. Lol. Okay, all of the time but dang, sometimes I just wanna shout, "WHERE IS HE LORD?!!! WHERE?!! GIVE ME A DATE AND TIME AND I'LL BE THERE - 'NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE, NAILS DONE, HAIR DONE'!!" I'm just sayin...
I have seen horrible women marry great men.
I have seen horrible men marry great women.
I have watched beautiful, wonderful friends go through hell and back with douche lords.
I know plenty of people 35 and under who are either separated, divorced, almost divorced, threatening divorce, or wish they were divorced.
And I have seen women (and men, for that matter) let their mistakes and the mistakes of others hinder and stifle their lives. She can't let go of the man who mistreated her. His pride has been wrecked forever because his baby mama cheated with his best friend. Consequently, they are no good to anyone else because from that point on, anyone who approaches them looks like the ones who broke their hearts and their spirits.
No matter how angry or bummed out I get, I refuse to be that way. I refuse to give my power to a human being. Why? My life is a gift from God and should be lived in honor to Him, so I want to make the best of it while I'm here.
But I can definitely see how a person can get to that place.
Last year, I barely escaped a relationship with my sanity intact. I was broken for months, trying to figure out how someone I'd loved so much could hurt me the way that he had. That was my first mistake: trying to understand the actions of another person. I also became stuck in a cycle of trying to reconcile with him. That was my second mistake: trying to open a door that God had closed, locked, and burned down. Each time he came back, I inclined my ear to his words (and that's all they were too) and opened my heart a little to the hope that we could get back together. I ignored the L-O-N-G list of reasons God had shown me NOT to be with him and because I was so afraid of starting over, I had decided it was better to be with someone I already knew than to put myself back out "there" again. Thank the Lord, my eyes were finally opened and I finally walked away. When I did put a period at the end of that sentence, I was even able to pray for my ex because he needs it.
But don't get me wrong...
I laid in bed many a night wondering who I could call to put a hit out on that man.
And if I were not the Saved woman that I am, (that's Saved with a capital "S"), he would have to be in the Witness Protection Program. Believe that.
But I survived - wiser and stronger but also a little frightened. I didn't want to go through anything like that again so I decided that I wasn't putting up with ANY b.s. off any man!
I was called an A.B.W. (Angry Black Woman) by several male friends, but for all I cared, they could get the finger because I was protecting myself. Me, myself and I was all that mattered!
Then, I met a great guy. Everything was lovely in the beginning - chemistry was there, so much in common, friendship was tight - and I started to fall for him. But then things fell apart and I can't really explain why. Bad timing? Other personal issues that we went through? I don't know. Last week we stopped talking. And I'm sadder about it than I thought I would be.
It's hard making connections. Each time you do, that person takes a little piece of you when it's over. Repeat this cycle of connect and disconnect and many of us become tired of saying hello/saying goodbye/saying hello/saying goodbye.
I know I am.
But bitterness is not an option for me.
Like I said before, I refuse to give the people who hurt me, and Satan, for that matter, that much power over my life. I refuse to invest my energy in anger and negativity. If I believe that "all things work together for good" then I know that each experience is a brick on the path that God has chosen for me. Sometimes I get off track because of my own poor choices and missteps. Sometimes it's Him telling me there's another way, a better way. I don't need to see the finish line; I just need to see the next step and believe that He is there with me for the entire journey.
With each disappointment, I pray for strength, for courage and for wisdom. The strength to move on with my life and to not look back at the person who was not suitable for me. The courage to continue believing in love, even when it seems unattainable. The wisdom to learn from my mistakes and to not make them again.
It's okay to be angry as long as our anger doesn't cause us to sin (Ephesians 4:26).
And it's okay to cry so long as you know that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).
We all get scared sometimes, but remember: perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).
Soooo, I know will get over this newest disappointment, just like I have before, and when I do, I won't be bitter.
Because bitterness is NOT an option for me.
Keep the faith,
Alonna
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Love or Sex?
A few years ago I went through pre-marital counseling with a man I was planning to marry. For one assignment, we had to answer a gang of questions about issues that could arise in our relationship. Under the "Sex" category were the following:
1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?
I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?
Does love really conquer ALL?
How important is sex in a marriage?
I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...
Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.
I'm not a virgin.
Nope.
Far from it.
Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.
Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!
Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.
But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?
If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?
My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.
Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!
God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!
In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."
I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.
I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...
I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.
For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!
I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.
Now, on the other hand...
There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.
So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?
I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?
What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??
I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Alonna
**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)
1. In your first year of marriage, how often to you expect to experience sexual intimacy?
2. What are your expectations about sex on your honeymoon?
3. What do you feel about your spouse at times saying no to sex? What about sex during your wife's menstrual cycle?
I wonder what type of conversations the answers to these questions have sparked between couples planning to jump the broom...I also wonder what happens when couples realize their "sexpectations" greatly differ in some or all of these areas?
Does love really conquer ALL?
How important is sex in a marriage?
I'm saying marriage because if you're a Christian, you know that sex was created for a husband and wife by God. Soooo, fornicators - cool it! Repent, pray, take cold showers...
Two expressions come to mind when I think about premarital sex: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" and "You have to test the car before you buy it." For this post, I will focus on the latter epigram.
I'm not a virgin.
Nope.
Far from it.
Glad I even knew how to spell it for this post.
Because I'm not a virgin and because I know that marriage is intended to be a lifelong covenant, I understand why some people feel the need to "test drive" potential spouses prior to saying "I do." The fear of being attached to someone who does not measure up to your wants/needs/expectations is a valid one. I can't imagine finding out after the fact that the man I vowed to spend my life with is impotent, or extra conservative, or just...bad at what he does. WHAT A BLOWER THAT WOULD BE!!!
Soooo, I do understand the concept of practicing before the final exam. Note that I say understand - not condone. I want to be clear that although I am very much human and my past is filled with mistakes, I do believe that God's plan for sex to remain within a marriage is necessary for many reasons.
But what do you do if you've met the love of your life and you have tested him or her out and realize that the two of you do not agree when it comes to sex? Or, what do you do if you did wait to have sex with your spouse and you discover that you are sexually incompatible? Had you discussed questions like the ones above could you have avoided the conflict that arose when you both realized that you were unable to meet each others' needs? Or is there any way to really know what's going to happen in a bedroom after a couple is married?
If everything else - the communication, the mutual interests, shared goals, and the quality time - is wonderful, is it a big deal if your sexual relationship is not up to par?
My initial position was YES IT MATTERS! IT MATTERS BIG TIME! but a conversation with a good friend has swayed my opinion somewhat on this topic.
Let me start with why I say YES:
Sex was created FOR a couple by God. The Bible is clear on this, stating:
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self control." (1 Corinthians 7:5, New Living Translation)
Fellas, if this verse doesn't get you saved, I don't know what will!
God isn't anti-sex. If you thought He was hatin, 1 Corin 7:5 should prove to you that He's NOT. If there is no circumstance preventing you from having sex it is NOT okay to deliberately withhold it from your spouse. The Bible is clear that doing so can lead one into temptation. The Lord knows that our flesh and our spirit are in a constant war, which is why we are to do everything we can to walk in the Spirit!
In one of my other posts, "Why Married People Annoy Me", I jokingly stated that many married couples don't have sex. Singles, like me, who are practicing abstinence are appalled! No, sex is not everything in a relationship, but it is probably the greatest bond a couple shares. Sex brings you together and sometimes serves the wonderful purpose of healing small, petty squabbles...who can be mad about dishes and dirty laundry when you're making love? I can always spot couples with active sex lives - they're affectionate and good-natured most of the time. Those who aren't gettin busy, barely look at, speak to or touch each other and when they do it seems forced or fake. One or both of them usually has a sour puss on and really isn't too pleasant to be around. Whenever I come in contact with people who are constant a-holes, I always think to myself, "Wow, you really need to get laid. Pronto."
I don't think that sleeping with someone before marriage will necessarily solve these problems, because there are plenty of people who had sex before they got married and they ain't having it anymore. But I do think that HONEST, OPEN communication about what your needs are should occur. If you are someone who is content with having sex once a month, then your partner, who wants it 5+ times a week needs to know that. Maybe that will be a deal breaker, maybe it won't, but it needs to be addressed.
I'm not married, but I don't understand how two people can stand before God, each other, their family and friends, vowing to remain together "til death" but then one of them removes sex from the equation. Soooo, let me get this straight: you want me to STAY with ONLY you and be FAITHFUL FOREVER, but you're not going to be intimate with me or you're only going to be intimate when YOU want to be - which could very well be: once a month, once every three months, every six months or longer! AND we are young too? That seems unrealistic and unfair, don't you think? I've heard married women say that if they never had sex again, that would be okay with them. A statement such as this automatically sets off a million questions in my mind: Is your husband unattractive? Too fat? Too skinny? Too short? Too tall? Too big? Too small? Funky? Broke? Not working? Why don't you want to sleep with him? I just don't get it...
I am perfectly aware that over the course of a lifelong relationship, situations will arise when sex just isn't an option--long term illness/disability, pregnancy, and distance are a few situations that immediately come to mind, but CHOOSING not to have sex just because you "don't want to" is not cool.
For those with small children: I don't have children, but I work with 'em all day (33 in my classroom ALLLLL DAY) so I can imagine that life drastically changes once you have babies - you're tired, stressed, ladies - your body is different, but still...you're laying in bed every single night with this person that you love (hopefully) and are attracted to (hopefully) and you just don't wanna do it? I always thought that sex was one of the best ways to alleviate stress. Besides, don't you crave the person you fell in love with? *Sigh*. Help me understand!
I recently read an interview given by Erykah Badu (Thanks Kezia boo!) in which she revealed that she does not have a high libido. She went on to say that if a man cheats because of his need to "chase", that would not be a deal breaker for her...hmm...I disagree that infidelity should be accepted, but I wonder if this is the case within a lot of marriages --where you have wives who require less sex than their husbands, so the marriage is practically sex-less. I'm not saying that all women have a low sex drive but let's face it, it is difficult to find a man who is not in the mood for some lovin'. Usually when there is an intimacy problem in a relationship, the man is complaining that he isn't getting it enough.
Now, on the other hand...
There are plenty of people in this world who will gladly have sex with you..some of you have had great sex with complete strangers or mere associates (yuck, but, hey...do you). LOVE, on the other hand, is hard to find. It isn't easy to find someone who will support your dreams; stick by you when you're down to your last dollar, take care of you when you're sick and ugly and love you when you're acting ugly too. Think about how many people you dated before you found "the one" or think about the difficulty some of your single friends are having trying to find a decent person. Love is not for punks. It is a 24/7 gift that requires grace and forgiveness and humility and patience and loyalty...I could go on and on...Simply put: everyone you meet ain't gonna love you RIGHT. When you find someone who genuinely loves you, it would be foolish to walk away from that.
So what do you do if you have that loving partner, but you can't come to an agreement on sex? What if your libido is at a 10 and your partner's is at a 2? Do you bounce? Do you cheat? UMM....I'll answer that one and say NO. How do you find a middle ground? Is there a middle ground? Can there be a win-win situation or will someone undoubtedly lose a little?
I believe that we should seek guidance when choosing a spouse. God knows the desires of our hearts and there are people out there who would be wonderfully compatible with you. I always wonder if/how God would send someone my way who is lacking some of the basic requirements I need in order to be happy - someone who enjoys good, frequent sex is at the top of that list. If there is a such thing as soulmates, would your soulmate and you struggle in the bedroom?
What should couples who are unequally yoked in this way do??
I really don't have the answers to these questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts.
Alonna
**Thanks Eugene B. for the topic suggestion! :-)
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